Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The "S" Talk

While living in New York City I met the most fascinating Mormon woman.  She was a brilliant, hard working, fashionista wanabe. Well traveled. Studying journalism.  She did a slave labor “internship” for Marie Claire. Devil wares Prada too a tee.   She was also was quite possibly the most sheltered Mormon I have ever known.  I loved her but frequently wanted to tie her down and force her to watch a 70’s Sex ED tape.  She knew nothing about sex.  She would not even say the word.  She called it “S”. I made it my duty to educate her. Blind leading the blind but if I didn’t do it who would? I taught her about erections, ejaculation, masturbation, clitoris and hot flashes. She always covered her ears.

The less you know about sex the better a Mormon you are. A woman’s best virtue is her virginity.  Abstain until you’re married, and then it’s a commandment.  Mormon babies!  Even then a part of me knew there was something wrong with sex in the church. I once had a young man confide in me that he had Pornography “Addiction”. He looked at it once every year or 6 months.  Inside I was like “I don’t care.”   However, I knew if I didn’t chastise him I would not be a good Mormon so I put him through hell.  I dated this young man for quite a while.  He had one girlfriend before me.  They were together for 4 years but they never kissed any more than a peck.  The first time we made out I blew his mind.  He was so amazed it was really all he wanted to do and that made me feel just fine.

My little sister is getting married soon.  Wedding nights are notoriously awkward for Mormon brides.  I can’t tell you how many stories I have heard about woman crying in the bathroom before or after sex.  One girl actually called her mom from the shower screaming about how terrible it was.  I always knew I would be different…right?

About a week ago I started getting some hands on Sex ED lessons from an attractive man from down the street.  I realized I really don’t understand "S".  He was very patient with me but he promptly stopped texting me after our last date.  Might have had something to do with me running into the bathroom when he took off my underwear. I was grateful for the experience. however, He deserves a woman who can pull of more advance sex moves like being completely naked.  One day when I was supposed to be at church he took me to a sex shop.  I wanted get a gift for my little sister who is the world to me.  If you read my post Life or Death you will remember I owe her my life. I just hate that she is embarking on something that I know nothing about.  I have always tried to protect my little sister. She is the Primrose to my Katniss.  

The night before my sister wedding in the temple I gave her my sexy gift.   I bought it to embarrass her yes, but also to help educate her as I’m still a virgin.(and apparently will be for life) It’s was fun.  We all enjoyed making her blush.  Then there came an uncomfortable moment.  My parents wanted to give her a blessing.  I was still teasing her about the honeymoon.  I don’t remember how it happened, but yet again I turned into the bad guy. Story of my life.  I was chastised and I had to leave the room while they gave her the blessing.  My eyes filled with tears.  Sex is not a bad thing.  I just want her I know what I can’t teach her. She came out and saw me crying.  She gave me a hug and privately thanked me for the gift.

 With tears in my eyes I cried innocently,“I just want you to have good Sex.”  


  1. Tried to post another time but I guess the Lord is preventing me from connecting to you. Hahaha. Anyway, I'm trying it again. I'm in a similar place as you. I'm just now leaving the church and I am struggling. I think I need a blog to work it out. If you'd like to talk (if any of you want to talk) you can get me at jdcampbe69@gmail.com (sent you a yahoo email before but I guess I need to use a gmail account, using my public gmail now). Anyway, be strong, I know that this post shouldn't have made me chuckle but it did. We're not alone in this and one day we will overcome.

    1. HAHAHA! Please laugh at every single one of my posts! Laughter is the best medicine so I'm kind like a doctor. I worked as a comedian at BYU and if i wasn't so good at making my self laugh i would probably be dead. I will e-mail ya! My next post took me 4 days to write. you will see why. But even in the most tragic of times we can always find something in us to laugh at!

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  3. I can't wait to read it. Instead of BYU I opted to go to school in my homestate (not that it matters but I was accepted to the Y). Going to school here maybe why I haven't married yet. You have a talent with your writing and drawings. If you make your stories non-mormon themed (funny, they are non-mormon theme but you know what i mean) you might have the makings of a funny cartoon. Though I do love the title of your blog.

  4. I've also tried to comment before, but needed to create an email to do so. :) You are a great sister, she is lucky to have you. I am lucky because my mom was not the typical Mormon mom. She was a self proclaimed nympho.
    However, wearing the temple garment really took a toll on my marriage. It really removed the sexiness. I think it's a crying shame.

    My husband and I are also new on this journey. It's difficult. I have a calling in the primary presidency, and we don't want to rip our families hearts out, so we have to proceed with caution. It's a constant struggle for me though because I value authenticity more than anything and I feel like a fraud. Sundays are very emotional for me, as I put my Mormon underwear back on and try be the best chameleon I can pull off. My saving grace is that I believe in the same God you do, a loving one, and I get to teach the kids that and help them feel His love. I try to look at some of the gospel doctrine like a fairytale. Take the morale of the story and teach from it.

    Anyway, I don't know why I am telling you all this, accept that I don't want you to feel alone. There are lots of non-jerk men out there (I dated a few before I was married.) You deserve one. In the normal worlds years you are young. :) In the mean time get a good vibrator. ;) It's good to know what you like.

    Also, my main reason for posting was to share this(yes, I actually had a point.) If you want to help your sister still, to have great sex, I highly recommend, The Sexually Confident Wife: Connecting with Your Husband Mind Body Heart Spirit, by Shannon Ethridge. This was life changing in my marriage. And the author is Christian, so while she is open she is never crude. It was amazing!

    Anyway, I look forward to reading, so keep on writing! :)

  5. Damn maybe I should get that book. See I'm too scared to read a book about sex. Tugging on his ding dong that's okay. I just can't read about it. That's still a sin. As for Vibrators...that will be it's own post shortly. ha ha ha

  6. The best part is how she talks about it not being a sin. Though she is on the side of it being the business of man and wife. But she had dozens of partners before she was married. It's a fantastic read. :)