V-Card Punched!

Well my friends I did it.  I did the deed.  The horizontal Mambo. The cat scratch meow.  I had SEXual relations!  It was ABSOLUTLY, UNDENIABLY, INDECSCIBABLY… an action. What?  Were you expecting me to tell you it completed me? That I am now a woman?  That I am one with this man?  That I am riddled with pain and guilt?  Of course you were because you were raised a Mormon. 

The expectation put on sex grows exponentially with age.  So as a 27 year old virgin I had placed sex on the same unattainable playing field as singing Scotland’s national anthem for the 3014 Mars Olympics.   It’s not just the action but the mystery behind sex that creates an unhealthy obsession for Mormons. So in this post I will be going into detail about my first experience having sex.  (EEEEEEUUUWWWWW!)

The first step when you decided to activate your sexuality is to decide how.  I don’t mean you should practice humping a pillow (though it couldn’t hurt).  You need to sit down and decided under what context you would like you V-card to be punched.  I decided I did not want my first time to be with a person I was romantic with.  The church had filled my head with many confusing rules and fears about sex (See: Couch Surfing Shame.)  I needed to separate the romantic and vulnerable component temporarily.  I was looking for someone I sort of liked who was patient, kind, and maybe Indian.  After all they did write the book on neat ways to have sex. 

 Dahan was sexy and fun to be with.  We had gone on 6 dates.  He had already made it clear he would like to have sex but was not looking for a relationship.  JACKPOT!  After a minor freak out (see: Couch Surfing Shame) I realized that this was exactly what I was looking for.  It is important to note, my readers, that this is what I needed in a first time.  But everyone is different.  And more importantly it’s okay to be different.

The night I was de-flowered I had NO intention of having sex with him…sort of. I felt guilty admitting what I really wanted.  I told him we could make out and that was it.  I said this but I also wore my sexiest underwear.  It has been a fantasy of mine to wear sexy underwear in front of a man and dance around really sexy for him.  We made out for a good 30 min before I informed him that I had on sexy underwear.

“oooh can I see it?”, He said

I stood up in front of him and unzipped my jeans.  I slowly pulled down one side of my paints so you could just see the lace from my panties.  Then I yanked my jeans back up, fell onto his bed and started laughing uncontrollably. 

“Ohhhhkay.” He said with a smile.

I repeated this about 3 times.  Eventually he asked me if maybe I would actually show him my underwear.  “I must be doing something right!” I thought.   I took a big breath and slowly removed everything but my bra and unders.  He told me I looked sexy and that gave me quite the confidence boost.   I then proceed to dance…I started with the Macarena, then moved to the Sprinkler and finished off with the ever popular Mormon Shopping Cart. (a dance where you mime walking down the aisle of a grocery store)  He laughed and then grabbed me and pulled me to the bed.  We made out for quite a while.  Then eventually he began pulling at the panties. 

“Okay” I said, “but remember our deal.  No sex.”

As soon as he tried to take off my bra I once again collapsed in on myself.  Suddenly his touch was too sensual.  And I did what I do best… laugh uncontrollably.  I was so overwhelmed by the experience I could not relax.  The poor man could not touch me without my body spasming.  Dahan went to his desk and grabbed a blindfold.  That helped a little but not much as I still was in a state of pleasant shock.  Eventually the underwear came off and I had accomplished nudity!   He began to do what boys do down there and the more he did it the less I cared about wearing clothing.  He asked if he could grab a condom.  I said it was fine as long as he did not go inside.  As we were going I changed my mind.  It's important to note I communicated to him that I was ready to go all the way. I wanted it all along but felt a ting of guilt for my "free thinking".   I wanted him inside me and so there went my virginity! 

I was a little worried about the ejaculation.  For those who don’t know that’s when a man’s penis is so happy it spits on you.  Of course he had a condom on but I still was frightened by this icky thing that can pregnantize you.   It was not that weird. When he was done um…poking me… the sperm was just in the condom.  I could see it.  His little Indian had shrunk down but you could see clearly no spermies had escaped because the condom was holding it all.   FEW!

*SIDE NOTE:  due to the sheltered nature of Mormon sex ED there is a common misconception that to be double sure you don’t get pregnant use two condoms. Or "dubble bag it".  WRONG!  Two condoms are more likely to break because the latex rubs together.  Use one good condom. 

 I was still nervous I got pregnant but I tried to calm that fear by reminding myself that EVERYONE, not just woman, worry about that after their first time.   You worry that maybe one sperm escaped and now you are with child.  Ask your doctor about contraception option.  Also it would be helpful to try and research sex and how it really works and STDs.  I never did this because I was too scared, but I should have(see: Cosmo Girl).  

I was surprised at how simple the act was.  It was just natural.  I did not fall in love with him as the church professed.  I felt no guilt.  But it was not the most sensational thing I have ever experienced as many Mormons build it up to be. Here is the funny thing.  I realized how very little I understand sex.  I thought once I had it I would just know EVERYTHING about it.  Sex jokes still go over my head. I still flinch if I see a naked man on TV.   I feel like I know even less about sex now than I did when I was a virgin. Luckily I have plenty of time to figure it out.

Sex is just sex.  It is what you make of it. It is not worth getting married for.  It is not better when God is involved. (Or as I call it “the holy trinity”)  It is not something to fear.  Approach sex responsibly.  It is not making out. It is not smart to have sex with a stranger.  STD and pregnancy change your life forever.  Have safe sex.  Have it as often as you are comfortable.  Most importantly have fun.