Sunday, January 19, 2014

V-Card Punched!

Well my friends I did it.  I did the deed.  The horizontal Mambo. The cat scratch meow.  I had SEXual relations!  It was ABSOLUTLY, UNDENIABLY, INDECSCIBABLY… an action. What?  Were you expecting me to tell you it completed me? That I am now a woman?  That I am one with this man?  That I am riddled with pain and guilt?  Of course you were because you were raised a Mormon. 

The expectation put on sex grows exponentially with age.  So as a 27 year old virgin I had placed sex on the same unattainable playing field as singing Scotland’s national anthem for the 3014 Mars Olympics.   It’s not just the action but the mystery behind sex that creates an unhealthy obsession for Mormons. So in this post I will be going into detail about my first experience having sex.  (EEEEEEUUUWWWWW!)

The first step when you decided to activate your sexuality is to decide how.  I don’t mean you should practice humping a pillow (though it couldn’t hurt).  You need to sit down and decided under what context you would like you V-card to be punched.  I decided I did not want my first time to be with a person I was romantic with.  The church had filled my head with many confusing rules and fears about sex (See: Couch Surfing Shame.)  I needed to separate the romantic and vulnerable component temporarily.  I was looking for someone I sort of liked who was patient, kind, and maybe Indian.  After all they did write the book on neat ways to have sex. 

 Dahan was sexy and fun to be with.  We had gone on 6 dates.  He had already made it clear he would like to have sex but was not looking for a relationship.  JACKPOT!  After a minor freak out (see: Couch Surfing Shame) I realized that this was exactly what I was looking for.  It is important to note, my readers, that this is what I needed in a first time.  But everyone is different.  And more importantly it’s okay to be different.

The night I was de-flowered I had NO intention of having sex with him…sort of. I felt guilty admitting what I really wanted.  I told him we could make out and that was it.  I said this but I also wore my sexiest underwear.  It has been a fantasy of mine to wear sexy underwear in front of a man and dance around really sexy for him.  We made out for a good 30 min before I informed him that I had on sexy underwear.

“oooh can I see it?”, He said

I stood up in front of him and unzipped my jeans.  I slowly pulled down one side of my paints so you could just see the lace from my panties.  Then I yanked my jeans back up, fell onto his bed and started laughing uncontrollably. 

“Ohhhhkay.” He said with a smile.

I repeated this about 3 times.  Eventually he asked me if maybe I would actually show him my underwear.  “I must be doing something right!” I thought.   I took a big breath and slowly removed everything but my bra and unders.  He told me I looked sexy and that gave me quite the confidence boost.   I then proceed to dance…I started with the Macarena, then moved to the Sprinkler and finished off with the ever popular Mormon Shopping Cart. (a dance where you mime walking down the aisle of a grocery store)  He laughed and then grabbed me and pulled me to the bed.  We made out for quite a while.  Then eventually he began pulling at the panties. 

“Okay” I said, “but remember our deal.  No sex.”

As soon as he tried to take off my bra I once again collapsed in on myself.  Suddenly his touch was too sensual.  And I did what I do best… laugh uncontrollably.  I was so overwhelmed by the experience I could not relax.  The poor man could not touch me without my body spasming.  Dahan went to his desk and grabbed a blindfold.  That helped a little but not much as I still was in a state of pleasant shock.  Eventually the underwear came off and I had accomplished nudity!   He began to do what boys do down there and the more he did it the less I cared about wearing clothing.  He asked if he could grab a condom.  I said it was fine as long as he did not go inside.  As we were going I changed my mind.  It's important to note I communicated to him that I was ready to go all the way. I wanted it all along but felt a ting of guilt for my "free thinking".   I wanted him inside me and so there went my virginity! 

I was a little worried about the ejaculation.  For those who don’t know that’s when a man’s penis is so happy it spits on you.  Of course he had a condom on but I still was frightened by this icky thing that can pregnantize you.   It was not that weird. When he was done um…poking me… the sperm was just in the condom.  I could see it.  His little Indian had shrunk down but you could see clearly no spermies had escaped because the condom was holding it all.   FEW!

*SIDE NOTE:  due to the sheltered nature of Mormon sex ED there is a common misconception that to be double sure you don’t get pregnant use two condoms. Or "dubble bag it".  WRONG!  Two condoms are more likely to break because the latex rubs together.  Use one good condom. 

 I was still nervous I got pregnant but I tried to calm that fear by reminding myself that EVERYONE, not just woman, worry about that after their first time.   You worry that maybe one sperm escaped and now you are with child.  Ask your doctor about contraception option.  Also it would be helpful to try and research sex and how it really works and STDs.  I never did this because I was too scared, but I should have(see: Cosmo Girl).  

I was surprised at how simple the act was.  It was just natural.  I did not fall in love with him as the church professed.  I felt no guilt.  But it was not the most sensational thing I have ever experienced as many Mormons build it up to be. Here is the funny thing.  I realized how very little I understand sex.  I thought once I had it I would just know EVERYTHING about it.  Sex jokes still go over my head. I still flinch if I see a naked man on TV.   I feel like I know even less about sex now than I did when I was a virgin. Luckily I have plenty of time to figure it out.

Sex is just sex.  It is what you make of it. It is not worth getting married for.  It is not better when God is involved. (Or as I call it “the holy trinity”)  It is not something to fear.  Approach sex responsibly.  It is not making out. It is not smart to have sex with a stranger.  STD and pregnancy change your life forever.  Have safe sex.  Have it as often as you are comfortable.  Most importantly have fun. 


  1. Congratulations!

    I'm glad that protection remained on your mind even during the over excitement.

    Next up.....Mars Olympics. But lets go for something a bit sooner than 3014.

  2. I BURST out laughing at your description of ejaculation. As a guy, I thought I'd heard all the creative names for that by the time 7th grade was out. Totally original. Very great read. So educational and informative.
    My first time was decidedly UN-safe and NON-emotional. I wish I'd have done it with more thought rather than "SCREW THE CHURCH! IMMA BANG SOMEONE!"...which is what I did. Haha. Regardless, your blog is awesome. Thank you.

  3. Congrats!!! I've been reading your blog for a little while and your posts are hilarious! Definitely one of my favorite ex-mo blogs.

  4. This is the sole reason that I'm so self-conscious about this. If I'm being honest this is what keeps me mad at the church and from moving on. I turned down opportunities when I was TBM out of a desire to do what's right. But now that I'm out I'm in this viscous cycle of depression stemming from, as far as i can tell, this issue exclusively. I'm a 27 y.o. virgin and feel beyond self-conscious at the idea that seemingly everyone is invited to this club that seems completely alien to me. Then I hear everyone say how sex isn't that big of a deal and I feel even more inadequate for my inability to join the ubiquitous club that is trivially simple to everyone else. I've noticed that I can't even form or keep up platonic friendships anymore because I feel like such a loser whenever anyone casually asks about my love life. I can't help but wonder if the church hadn't influenced my life so much if I might fit in and not keep everyone I know at acquaintance distance now.

  5. As a 34 year old ex-mo that just punched her V-card less than a month ago, I totally get where you are coming from. Congrats!!

  6. Thank you for sharing your story. You are not weak for feeling lonely and sad sometimes. You are strong for sharing that with us, even through a "throwaway" account.
    Vulnerability is part of what makes you human, and is part of what allows people to connect with each other. I think you should try to find someone you care about, who cares about you, and share with them what you've shared with us. If you don't have anyone like that, then maybe that can help be a goalpost to give you an idea of what to work towards, and how to treat others. The more you open up to others, the less afraid you will be of their opinions, and the more you will be able to connect with them.

  7. It's fucking weird and it's hard to communicate to others why being a virgin past X age is so mortifying and yet how much you hate how people patronize you. Society, not just the church, turns it into this HUGE deal - and then people tell you it's not that big a deal and you're overthinking things, which hurts.
    Your feelings are valid. No one can tell you what an experience is like until you've had it... but how that experience is is mostly decided by how you feel about it going in.
    I spent a lot of time (a few years) basically lowering my expectations about sex before I lost my virginity. It helped that I had friends who didn't think I was a loser for being a virgin at my age, and understood that I wasn't a particularly willing virgin (read: stayed a virgin for religious reasons). Unsurprisingly, many of those friends were formerly religious/conservatively raised. They understood.
    On the other end, dealing with the guilt and self-hatred around sex basically required therapy on my part. I promise there are a lot of ex-mos, never-mos, and even TBMs who feel a lot of these same emotions and are talking to therapists about it

  8. Thank Heavenly Father that you are out of that abusive religion.Thank Dahan that you can move onto more important things in your life.

  9. You should strongly consider starting some form of birth control (Personally, I'm a fan of the NuvaRing, but whatever works for you). Doesn't mean you shouldn't still use condoms, but having a second line of defense can help put your mind at ease. The less worry, the more enjoyment!

  10. Oi! Congrats and good luck exploring the strange and alluring Sex Land. I mean, I'm pretty sure even _I_ don't know everything yet, despite being sexually active for ten years or so. And psst, a secret: it's different on each time with each person. Sometimes it's not fun (and if it's not, you should probably take a break or stop for the time being). Sometimes it's totally the best thing ever. Sometimes it's like a cheap pizza: not the best, but still a fulfilling treat, after which you will feel sleepy. Sometimes the guy knows exactly what he's doing. More often he probably doesn't. But that's okay, that is what communication is for. You can just tell him what you want (I know it's not easy, but definitely worth it).

    But yay! I'm anyway happy for you for more than "just the sex". You've done something you had been scared of and confused about for so long, and that is a HUGE step. You go, girl!

    <3 from Finland

  11. I'm happy for you that it all went well and that you had an enjoyable experience. :)

  12. I´m an Exmormon in my early 30s, who just recently had SEX for the first time too. Sexual repression, fear of intimacy, guilt and shame almost made me give up on myself. I felt so desperate, even like an alien for so many years and wondered what is "wrong" with me. If you are told by the church for so many years that sex is bad and something dirty, how are you supposed to suddenly enjoy it, right? It takes time and patience.
    It was a long process for me, but a decision after all.
    Thank you for this blog. It helped me realize that i am/was not alone in this.
    To all those who are still virgins past X age and feel uncomfortable or doubt themselves because of it, I want to say: you are not weird. Things are as they are. To approach this sex- issue is so individual and everybody has their own timing. There is no right and wrong or perfect way to do it.
    If I had known before how healthy and relaxing sex actually feels like i might have faced my fear much earlier. But then again, i needed that time and there were reasons.
    Good luck to everybody who is struggling with his or her sexuality!

  13. This article sounds to be written by a non mormon so please do not believe everything it says

  14. I'm currently making a website for Mormons and ex Mormons to talk about their expirences in the church positive and negative. Sex and what not. Heres some recent news:
    I recently went to lds church (not a member but I know so much being rased momo, for 10 years that I might as well be one.) in Logan Utah and a man talked about how he read a blog about how his mission companion left the church and how upset he was about it and I was laughing my ass off in my head and yet I was sad for the Guy on how brainwashed the church has everyone including myself. It's sick what the church reppresses. I'm not going to lie I haven't had sex yet and im not even 20 yet and its been misrable as f*** untill I decided to start dating confidently and its been a great expirience, except the fact I'm a poor college student who lives with Mormon family still . Anyways, let the barrier to the real world down and feel free to explore your body you've been given, everyone has a light from God in them. Your actions reflect your light and sex is completely natural (even though my vcard has not been yet taken) . The church teaches you not to think yourself which is why your brain has caused you to read this, and you need to seize the oppertunites your given and have fun with them!!!

    If you want to be appart of my email list, I can make it discrete if you are curious. Just email this email:
    And I will respond as soon as I can.

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