Saturday, August 31, 2013

Coming Out the IKEA-Mormon Closet

You are going all in. Your palms are sweaty, your mouth is dry.  Why are these three little words so hard to say?  It’s silent.  Their eyes anticipating as the letters rock from one side of your mouth to the other.  Like a sea sick sailor it’s time to spill...  “I don’t believe”

There is one thing every single post-Mormon must face.  Telling people.  You can’t hide it.  Once you pick up a beer, or ware a tube top, or move in with your boyfriend the word is out.  You imagine all the things people will say about you. Probably the same things you said about those who left before you.  Coming out is a big deal.  Before you open the door to the closet, do a little IKEA style organization.  There are thing you need to have in place mentally before you open yourself up to scrutiny. If you don’t clean the closet your baggage will spill everywhere and make a real mess of your life.

#1.  Set up Your "PORTIS"  There are so many different people from different walks of life.  Put yourself in your friend’s and family’s shoes.  They love you and they love the church.  You need to do your best to make it possible for them to love you both.  Avoid using words like “hate” “brainwashed” “cult” “indoctrinated”.  Find people you can trust as your outlet. 

#2  Sort out the rogue socks  You may have a strong feeling of betrayal.  Suddenly you just hate every darn thing about the church.  Some things you used to love.  Some ideas may still be good ideas but now you want to rebel.  And some grudges that are highly exaggerated in your mind.  You may, like me, just have crazy mouth (see: Gift of Tongues) It is wise to find those Ideas that are destructive and just throw them away.  Like the red sock with green dotes. You will never ware it again in will just turn all your white socks pink. 

#4  Organize your “BESTÅ  You may want to have a throw down with your friends or family.  Tell them everything you learned.  You may be thinking it’s not personal.  Wrong!  It is very personal.  If it is a true friendship they will be able to Shelf the disagreement and focus on the person you are. Keep your copy of No Man Knows My History right where it is.  When they pull out their Book of Mormon remind them that you already have one. If they try to argue with you simply don't.  If they tell you "you will be punished" smile and nod.  Some of your friends my earnestly want to know the history. With this I take a Que from Le Var Burton.  I say, "Here are some other books you may like, but you don't have to take my word for it."

#3  Get a "HEMNES" with Closed Drawers  Just because your closet is a walk in dose not mean anyone is welcome.  You need to set up boundaries for yourself.  You can leave out your Sunday Sailing hat but maybe tuck away your lacy lingerie with the front clasp. I'm not ashamed of my *cough* experiments.  But I don't feel a need to share with  my relief society friends exactly who has been vacuuming my shag carpet. It is no one business what you do. You decided to Whom, exactly When, and precisely What you want them to know.  

#5  Hope Chest I’ll bet your head is swimming with confusion.  I know mine is. Regrets, what ifs, and emotional unrest.  Throw everything you don’t understand in your hope chest and sort it out later.  Maybe with time, or a therapist, or even a soul searching trip to Thailand you will find your inner peace.  Until then, make do with what you have.  You will never have all the answers. That is okay.  All you need is the confidence to build your own life. Do what you believe is right and hope for the best.

I’m no expert.  I’m just a 27 yr old girl with an optimistic attitude and a concussion. Start by telling your closest friends.  People who you trust like family.  Recognize that the dynamics with your friends may change. It is not because they don’t like you, but because you may not be able to relate as well.  It’s times like these when you find out who your real friends are.  Wheather you have lost your religion or lost your car to a Buick going 45 mph, your friends are the ones who come over with a bowl of soup and a big ass hug.  

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Car Crash

on the 22nd I was stopped at a red light. I looked a the rearview to see a car careening toward me.  An old man driving 45mph smashed into me. I was throw a crossed the intersection and blacked out.  I have whiplash and a concussion.  They say I'm lucky. 

at the emergency room the woman asked me a few questions.

Nurse: Whats your name?

Me: Emma(naild it)

Nurse:  Your address?

Me: 123 main st

Nurse: And your last name?

Me: 123 ma...ah  main no.  123 main

Nurse:  phone number?

123 main

Nurse: okay whats the date?

Me: ah the 22nd

Nurse:  and the month?

Me: October, no. September,,,,No. January.  it's January.

This has been one hell of a year.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

The Douchebag Hunter

Ga Dae Ladies!  Welcome ta the first installment of The Douchebag Hunter.  Now the douchebag is a frisky creature. He comes in all shapes and sizes.  It is important for any woman who has newly discovered her sexuality to understand the douchebag.  The douchebag can be found of course in his natural habitat the gym or the club.  But do not feel a false sense of security because you are riding the #12 bus.  He could very well be at church, a Lumineers concert, Wal-mart, even standing behind you….Boo!  Ha ha. Only jokeing! It’s just me! You friendly Douchebag Hunter. Let’s get started!

Today we will be focusing on the very common douchebag scenario. The booty call.  I will attempt to wart off the textual advances of a certain douchebag I kissed and promptly dropped.(See: Sleeping with the Enemy) I must remind you ladies I am a professional.  I have encountered every kind of douchebag you can imagine.  For your own safety please DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.  I’m going to enter into a rather dangerous conversation with a skilled douchebag in order to understand him better and there for defend against him.  You MUST penetrate his psyche before he penetrates you.

The booty texts always starts friendly but unexpectedly.  A truly skilled douchebag will fain interest in you.  Though he will be quick to innuendo. Now as an Ex-mormon I expect this innuendo will go over your head. Don’t worry he will be sure you caught it.

Douchebag: I’m jealous.  I love odder pops. I can defiantly see you putting your mouth all over that.

Myself: I like the orange ones the best.

Douchebag: Yeah the blue ones make such a sickly mess all over your face.

Myself: No blue is good too.  They are just as sticky as orange. How are you?

Douchebag: I always enjoy making sicky messes.

Myself: Not me. My niece is so cute.  Guess what she just did?

Douchebag: I want to cum on your face.

And We’re Off!  The douchebag has made his first move.  Now watch as I bait this douchebag.  I like to use the “I’m a naïve virgin technique”. Just watch…

Myself: Ah what a mess I am. Ex-Mormon girls can't have sex. They don't know how. Ha ha

Douchebag:  If you want to fool around again I would be game...

Myself:  hmmmmm... I’m not sure that’s a good idea.

Douchebag: So you'll think about it? Like in the ten minutes I could be driving over there?

Myself: Oh gosh. You know how weird I am about this. I haven't gotten much better.
You will just get annoyed with my silliness and leave all pisst off again.

Douchbag: Hey, I'm willing to get over it, and if it get too much I'll just say I'm leaving and we'll call it a night

Ladies I want you to notice his phrasing here… “I'm willing to get over it.” Let’s continue. Shhhhh…

Myself: I don't see why you would want to come over just to watch me hide under blankets again :p

Douchebag: I could get under the blankets with you?

Myself:  I already know what will happen. You will come over. We make out. You play with me. Then I run in the bathroom like a tweenager and you never get off. I’m a horrible hook up.

Douchebag: I don't care, I would settle for some make out right now, but if you want to come out of the bathroom we can do more. You're never going to get over it unless you work on it. You're just lucky that I'm willing to work on it with you.

Ding Ding Ding!  Did you see that ladies. If you missed it go back and read it again.  See, the skilled douchebag will not come right out and say “Hi! I’m a Douchbag”.  On the contrary, he will be very nice until he fears he will not get what he wants.  You will only see a sliver of his true color.  The trick is NOT to ignore it. Also it is good to take note that the douchebag never said he was concerned with my feelings.  He said if it got weird he would just leave. Now this is where things get fun.  Watch as the Douchbag correct his obvious blunder.

Myself: Wow.

Douchbag: (long pause) I'm kidding, you realize that, right? I'm not that much of a condescending dick.

Myself: you know I’m a cool person. I'm not desperate. If I fool around with a guy it's going to be because I want too. I don’t need you to teach me because there are plenty of nice guys who will enjoy watching me run into the bathroom.

Douchbag: I enjoy fooling around with you, and I just would like to f*ck you proper.  Did you read the part that I said I was kidding?

Myself: I read it after you realized you put you dick in your mouth.

 Like any snake you pick up, make sure you know exactly what he is and don’t let him bite you.  I don’t recommend inviting the douchbag over.  As you are newly leaving the fold I must warn you, the stakes have been raised in the douchbag department. Sex is not making out.  Provoites like to tell themselves it is about the same but that is simply not true.  I should not even have engaged in conversation with this man. Men you must know that many women can be douchbags as well. There is no need to settle for a douchebooty. Thanks for joining me taday, and remember it doesn’t take a sexually active person to spot a Dick!

Friday, August 9, 2013

Gift of Tongues

I decided to give religion another try.  It had only been a month since I had sworn off Mormonism. God and I were not on speaking term but I missed the community.  I walked into a non-denominational church.  Huge crucifix on the wall, huge coffee shop, huge gift shop, and even a guest services counter.

 “Excuse me.” I said to the jolly woman at the desk, “When is your service for young single adults?”

“Our youth programs are listed in this pamphlet-“

“oh… I’m sorry. I was looking for activities for unmarried people in their 20’s.” I corrected

Jolly looked at me a little confused. “Are you an expecting mother?”

“What? no!” I said, immediately checking my stomach for a taco baby. “No I’m not pregnant. Unless you believe in immaculate conception. Ha ha.” She gave an un-amused smile.

“Well we have an expecting mother’s class or a small Bible study for adults of all ages.”  

“Christ no!” I thought, “Sounds like seminary all over again(See: Seminary Buff). And no offence to expecting mothers, but I relate to better to women who don’t have little people inside them telling them when to pee.” I leaned over the desk searching for a pamphlet with activities for 20’s singles.  At Mormon Church there were loads of fun activities every week.  I went home and scoured the internet.  I finally found one service for people in their 20’s and 30’s. Jackpot!

 I walked into a dark room with a smoke machines and laser beams. I enjoyed watching the rock bad play and the pastor’s enthusiasm.  People were shouting and having fun. I couldn’t quite get into the raise the roof style of worship but I had just spent the last 26 years baptizing dead people so who am I to judge. I cringed every time he said the words sinner or saved.  What do those words even mean?  Afterword I met a cute girl with a nose ring and she invited me to her house for a pizza party. I was excited to make some new friends.  I had loads of questions for them.  “You don’t believe you have to be baptized to go to heaven?”,  “Marriage is not required?”,  “You don’t have a problem with drinking?”

“Well, we don’t believe in getting drunk?”, Said nose ring.

“Oh…okay” I failed to see the difference. “What about clothing?  Can you ware tank tops? ” I said, assuming they would say “Yes!”

There was a slight pause. “We believe in dressing modestly,” said another girl.  I suddenly felt very self-concusses about my strappy polka dot dress.   As we continued talking I realized how similar these people were to Mormons.  One guy swore and was chastised for it.  Yeah they had tattoos and nose rings but they also had specific ideas about how life was to be lived.  Soon they started asking me questions about the Mormon Church.  I used to know how to answer these questions.  Not anymore.  I told them what I perceived the church to be, and I did not hold back.  One man was very interested in what I had to say. He was a youth minister.

“So how does it feel now that God finally hears your prayers?” Said the minister.

“um… I think God has always listened to my prayers…  What are you saying? You don’t believe God hears the prayers of Mormons?” I asked. Everyone laughed.

“Well of course not. Mormons aren’t really with God.”He said

“hang on! hang on!” A knot formed in my stomach, “You are telling me that of the millions of Mormons out there God is just plugging his ears.  Sure I don’t agree with how it started but I doubt God would punish these people.  I mean they pray, ‘in the name of Jesus Christ Amen!’  What about my brothers and sisters who go to church every Sunday for three hours?”

He launched into a story about how he knew a man who was blind and sick.  So he prayed and the guy got better.  I didn’t see how God answering his prayer negated God answering a Mormons prayer. I told him about some Mormon miracle prayers.

“Well that’s just a coincidence.”  He said. Then the minister jumped up on the couch.  He threw a coat over his head and started dancing.  Everyone began laughing as he sang…

Look at me I’m joseph Smith I have a magic hat.
 My golden plates have never been seen
 but God wrote them and that’s a fact.
  So join me a my lovely wife and all her lovely friends
And we will start a new planet where the sex never ends”

You know that friend you have who is really really fat. And even though she makes jokes all the time about how big she is you don’t ever join in.  Well I kind of felt like that.  I can make fun of Joe Smith because I lived it.  It is the heavy weight that shaped me.  When this little show tune started I had no respect for the Mormon Church. I should have jumped up on the table with him.  Something in me knew this was wrong.  For the first time I sympathized with the church.  I was still angry.  Angry that I had lived my life around what I now believed to be a lie.  But I wasn’t going to become a better, happier person by tearing it apart.  I left that night and I never went back. I guess you could say I received the gift of tongues. I learned to bite it. 

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Great Sexpectations

When I was at BYU I fancied myself a sexpert minus the sex.  I was not shy, timid, or afraid of the topic of sex.  I knew I would be a tiger on my wedding night. I had many different ways to please a man while making out.  I would talk about my technique openly. My friends looked to me for wisdom, like a make out guru. I scandalously made out in a spaghetti strap shirt, and short shorts.  I would lay on top of them, suck their fingers, Kiss their necks until I found their sweet spot. I was Samantha from Sex and The City.  “How are you so good at this?” one guy asked me “seriously. I want to know.”

 “Kissing 101,” I would say, “I’m the TA.”

How the tables have turned my friends. I went from a sexual predator to the prey. It’s not my fault!  They introduced all this new equipment I’m not familiar with. As you recall the first time a man took of his pants off I ran for the hills. (see: the “S” Talk) The first time I touched a dick I just held it and looked at the guy.

“um…what should I do?”, I said sheepishly

“Put your mouth on it.” He said

“WHAT! Gross. I’m not putting my mouth on that.” I said

“Why not?” He said

“Well… That’s where the pee comes out!” I asserted then I proceeded to lick it briskly one time.

I’m a good performer. I have spent my life on stage in front of thousands of people.  Yet get me alone in a room with a sexual active man and stage fright. I’m rather embarrassed that I thought I understood this.  I recently found myself in a situation where I was alone with an attractive man in his bedroom. Seth was much more patient than Rob. He constantly asked me if I was comfortable with what was happening.  As we were kissing I was thinking about all my old tricks I used on Mormon boys.  “Maybe I should suck on his finger” I thought, “No…he would just wonder why I wasn’t sucking on his Dick.”  As a result I felt lost and uncreative.  I didn’t know how to please him and even if I did I’m not sure I could. According to Cosmo Magazine there are at least 3,521 different ways to please a man.  I could not think of 1.

At one point I did get up the courage put my hands down his boxer shorts.  At first I thought, “his junk is small.” Then I realized it was not erected. I have never seen a penis in its shell. (I like to think it’s because I’m just too sizzling)  What was I doing wrong?  Where was my salute to being sexy? I was naked after all. What more could it want.  Seth assured me that men don’t just pop out.  Humph! Fail.

Seth took off his boxer and I did NOT run into the bathroom. Winning!  I was a dear in the headlights.  Seth gave me a quick tutorial of how it works. He coaxed it out, (It was not small) showed me a few of its favorite places to be tickled and explained how to give it a hand job.  You milk it.  See penis have clear liquid that comes out of them before they go off.  I was too scared to milk it.  I tried but I was slightly overwhelmed.  This was a lot to take in.  What if I did it wrong?  He saw I was in shock so he asked if I would like to watch him jerk off.  “Yes please!”  He jerked off and I just watched.  He said I was helping by watching. I couldn't help but wonder if my “helping” him was similar to when a child “helps” you sweep by throwing Cheerios on the floor.  I figured this time would be my practice round and next time I would try out what I learned.  

There was not a next time with Seth and this was probable the most valuable lesson of all.  After we made out things got weird.  He didn’t seem to want to see me and when he did he spent most of his time talking to other girls.  He even asked another girl out in front of me. Ouch my feelings! He said he was joking and I thought “Yeah, like when you were joking about seeing me naked later?” I’m not upset but slightly bummed I lost my Sex Ed instructor. Although I have learned many men are willing to take on that responsibility.
One such man is named Max.  I met him at a event. (I’ve realized that on-line dating is not a good way to make friends. More on that soon) Every time I see Max he is the perfect gentleman.  We went on one date and he tried several times for a second.  A few nights ago I went with him and a group of people to dinner. I started to panic. I was sitting in this booth with about 10 guys and 3 girls. I have been trying very hard not to over think but my mind was free falling into a pit of booze, and condoms. I told everyone it was late and I had to go. It was 10:00pm. Coincidentally Max decided he wanted to leave too. He said he would walk me to my car. I ran into the bathroom and stood there hoping he would leave without me.  I knew he wouldn’t. I did my best not to say a word to him as we walked.  As we got to the car...

"I’m just wondering when I’m going to see this woman again with her beautiful hair, beautiful eyes, fantastic ass, sexy lips, gorgeous legs--"

“Stop!”, I screamed in my head.  "Mormon men are not this forward, and sex is on the table now, and I don’t understand what you want from me!" I had to talk.  I told how I’m so confused about who I am. I’m still trying to reconcile my past, present, and future. Honestly, it felt good to tell him. I’m not sure he really understood.  He asked me to give him a chance and not to shut him out.

I jumped in my car and called Seth.  I told him how freaked out I was and emotionally vomited on him again.  I sort of felt bad calling him but I figured we were just friends now, and I needed to talk to someone who gets it.  Seth said that sex is just natural, like kissing.  Really everyone is just trying to find a connection. Someone to be close too.  I never thought of sex that way. It was always this huge unattainable magic spell that was used to…gosh I don’t know… reward for getting married…or to trick people into having babies.   Once I got it into my head that Max was just looking for someone to connect with I was able to relax.  I’m not sure I’m ready to let someone in but if I do I’ll start with my heart.