The Perfect Problem

Dating in the Mormon community is a blood bath of high heels, bleached hair, and eating disorders.  

Utah has some funny statistics despite being nicknamed “Happy Valley”.  This state has one of the highest teen suicide rates.  Women pop anti-depressant pills like Pac Man. Plastic surgery is what gets you into heaven! I remember my brother telling me the reason Mormon men usually date stick-skinny women. They are terrified of an eternity of bad sex. 

 Mormons have a lot to live up to. People have callings that take up at least 20 hours a week.  More if you get a really “good” one.  Everyone is just perfect so to fit in you must be perfect too or else you can expect to die alone. The expectations put on Mormons are insane.  I don’t blame most Mormon men for being male chauvinists.  They don’t know any better.  Just like how most women have a laundry list of expectations for their men. (See: Poop Monsters) There is not a ton of respect on either side if you ask me.  People can't be loved for who they are, they are only loved for how much they believe in Joseph Smith.  If you are a single Mormon with a doubts about the church…better get a cat and name her Emily Dickinson.

The other night I was on one of my online creeper dates.  We went to see the movie “Silver Linings Playbook”.  At the end of the movie Pat declares his love for Tiffany.  They were far from perfect.  He was in a mental hospital and she slept around. Something happened in me. Uncontrollable tears began shooting out of my eyes. My date obviously noticed. (Yet again proving to myself that I’m the weird one on these dates.)  I realized that of all the relationships I have had, I was never loved for who I was. I have had men break things off with me for reasons like, “I would love you more if you had served a mission,” or “How often do you read your scriptures...not enough” or,  “I’m worried because your great grandparents are not pioneers.” or  “I need a woman who will raise our children to memorize the articles of faith,” or “I’m worried some day you might drink alcohol.”  Well, they were right about the alcohol. 

 I was a dating ninja at BYU.  My older sister had given me some really great marital advice. “If you want to get married you need to just pretend to have a perfect testimony. Then later after you get married you can question the church.” So I tried. Toting my scriptures around, wearing the full-sleeve dresses, attending all THREE hours of church, and hiding the fact that I was NOT a full-tithing payer. (Thank God because the Church don't give refunds.) Gosh, I was acting so hard I even fooled myself. I tried so hard to have a testimony but I always knew deep down it was not true. 

 Every year that I was at BYU, I would move to a new apartment complex because I had to “start over”.  I moved in with the perfect Mormon attitude.  I smiled, sat quietly, and talked about how badly I wanted to be a mommy...like right now.  Someone please put a baby in me. Inevitably my true independent, sarcastic and sacrilegious side would come out. Time to move again.  Time to pretend to be what you want.  Be submissive. I was not submissive. I was not in love with Joseph Smith. I was not perfect.  Therefore I was not a good person.  Though I did good for friends and family, I was not good enough where it counted.  In every relationship there would come a moment where I got tired of acting and just wanted to be myself.   My beautiful, loving, caring, compassionate, less-concerned-with-Mormonism self.   Hold on! Did you say less-concerned-with Mormonism?? …

I know—I’ll go get the cat.

In a way my stubborn desire to be loved for myself saved my life.  80% of married Mormons who have a partner who leave the church get divorced.  That means 80% of Mormons woman are more in love with a man who lives on another planet than the one they have on Earth.  

I still get choked-up at the thought of being loved by someone and never hiding from them.  How strange that must be.  It never even occurred to me that that was possible.  No more ninja moves. No more on the spot testimony bearing. No more lying to myself.  I could be with a man who won’t interrogate me about what I learned in church.  I will tell you this, when I get married, everyone will be invited, no underwear check at the door (see: Off-white Wedding).  Well everyone except Elohim…he knows what he did.