Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The "S" Talk

While living in New York City I met the most fascinating Mormon woman.  She was a brilliant, hard working, fashionista wanabe. Well traveled. Studying journalism.  She did a slave labor “internship” for Marie Claire. Devil wares Prada too a tee.   She was also was quite possibly the most sheltered Mormon I have ever known.  I loved her but frequently wanted to tie her down and force her to watch a 70’s Sex ED tape.  She knew nothing about sex.  She would not even say the word.  She called it “S”. I made it my duty to educate her. Blind leading the blind but if I didn’t do it who would? I taught her about erections, ejaculation, masturbation, clitoris and hot flashes. She always covered her ears.

The less you know about sex the better a Mormon you are. A woman’s best virtue is her virginity.  Abstain until you’re married, and then it’s a commandment.  Mormon babies!  Even then a part of me knew there was something wrong with sex in the church. I once had a young man confide in me that he had Pornography “Addiction”. He looked at it once every year or 6 months.  Inside I was like “I don’t care.”   However, I knew if I didn’t chastise him I would not be a good Mormon so I put him through hell.  I dated this young man for quite a while.  He had one girlfriend before me.  They were together for 4 years but they never kissed any more than a peck.  The first time we made out I blew his mind.  He was so amazed it was really all he wanted to do and that made me feel just fine.

My little sister is getting married soon.  Wedding nights are notoriously awkward for Mormon brides.  I can’t tell you how many stories I have heard about woman crying in the bathroom before or after sex.  One girl actually called her mom from the shower screaming about how terrible it was.  I always knew I would be different…right?

About a week ago I started getting some hands on Sex ED lessons from an attractive man from down the street.  I realized I really don’t understand "S".  He was very patient with me but he promptly stopped texting me after our last date.  Might have had something to do with me running into the bathroom when he took off my underwear. I was grateful for the experience. however, He deserves a woman who can pull of more advance sex moves like being completely naked.  One day when I was supposed to be at church he took me to a sex shop.  I wanted get a gift for my little sister who is the world to me.  If you read my post Life or Death you will remember I owe her my life. I just hate that she is embarking on something that I know nothing about.  I have always tried to protect my little sister. She is the Primrose to my Katniss.  

The night before my sister wedding in the temple I gave her my sexy gift.   I bought it to embarrass her yes, but also to help educate her as I’m still a virgin.(and apparently will be for life) It’s was fun.  We all enjoyed making her blush.  Then there came an uncomfortable moment.  My parents wanted to give her a blessing.  I was still teasing her about the honeymoon.  I don’t remember how it happened, but yet again I turned into the bad guy. Story of my life.  I was chastised and I had to leave the room while they gave her the blessing.  My eyes filled with tears.  Sex is not a bad thing.  I just want her I know what I can’t teach her. She came out and saw me crying.  She gave me a hug and privately thanked me for the gift.

 With tears in my eyes I cried innocently,“I just want you to have good Sex.”  

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

 “I’m a real Girl!”

 When I’m in a public place I feel like I’m looking at the Grand Canyon.  I can’t help but stare at all the human people.  They are so real. I never thought non-Mormons could lead happy normal lives. I was always told they were really miserable.  I find them so fascinating.  I feel like a spy. I can talk to anyone I want now.  I can make friends! It’s a terrifying exhilaration. 

I have lost about 5 LBS in the last three weeks. Coincidentally around the time I left the Mormon Church.  I’m so happy that I have on many occasion been caught dancing at the YMCA. I mean literally dancing on the treadmills. I’m dancing all the time. Shaking my bootie, Bobbing my head, and lip singing the words.  Even music sound sweeter.  I’m not a child anymore.  I’m 26 and I’m an adult now.  I’m a part of a beautiful world full of wonderful people. I can date whoever I want, drink whatever I feel, and work whenever I need.  I can wear clothing I like and someday maybe even enjoy the nether of a Man.  Would you believe me if I told you two months ago I was in a mental hospital?

The doctors had no idea what to do with me. I was in the hospital for severe depression.  They couldn’t figure out what kind of depression I had.  It was odd.  Every morning in group therapy people would share their tragic life stories.  I would start talking and the conversation always went back to the Mormon Church.  I told my therapist once how I bought a dress but it did not have a sleeve on one shoulder…

“I mean it’s for salsa dancing. It’s not slutty or anything.  It’s red.  It goes down to my knee actually.  I just love it! I look so good.  It’s a little tight but don’t worry no cleavage. I mean it’s not super revealing or anything. It is missing a sleeve on one side but I don’t feel super bad about that because it is a sport. Dancing is a sport.   I have had a few nightmares about it. It only has a sleeve on one side.  I swear it is not a slutty dress.”

 Here I am in a room full of seriously tragic souls and I’m freaking out about a dress missing one sleeve.  Even the therapist was I little taken back.

“Honey, You don’t need to justify anything. We won’t judge you for buying any dress.” Said my therapist

I was so shocked.  It never occurred to me that people might not judge me for wearing a dress without a sleeve.  It took me a few weeks but eventually I did ware that dress. It was liberating.

 I have been a recovering Mormon for three weeks now.  Last night I tried something very scary.  I found a website that advertised meeting new people.  They were all meeting at a bar with alcohol in it.  I cannot hold my liquor so I order a coke and tried very hard not to mention I was a Mormon.

“A Coke?,” said a clueless man, “What are ya a Mormon?”

Gosh Damn it! I just pretend I didn’t hear him. I was going to fit in tonight.  I had never been at a social event with so many people who were not Mormon.  I almost left after I got some rather unwanted attention from a Ex-Wife murder/drug dealer. I was going to call it quits went I noticed a group of seemingly normal people.  “Okay, I thought. Just go!”

They were all terribly nice. Of course I couldn’t hide the Mormon thing but I could tell they would not judge me.  In fact they were very interested in my journey. They all seemed to relate. I guess it is a common story.  Becoming who you are and not what is expected of you.  

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Joseph Smith Jr.

The text message read “This is Joseph Smith Jr.”

How did he know?!  Is he talking to me from the afterlife? My heart started pounding.  Maybe it is true and this is Gods warning! AHH! After an insane moment I remember that last night I was looking through my magic mirror(internet) and a man on a dating site recognized I was from Mormon land. I let out a sigh of relief as I realized I was not being visited by Joe Smith Jr.   As I mentioned from my last post I really have a hard time going on dates because all I want to talk about the church. Luckily, all this man wanted to do was talk about the church!  He was an intellectual.  I grab my keys and ran to meet him for dinner.  Ah yes the perfect date.  Where I just sit and talk about Mormonism.  And did I talk.  You cannot even scratch the surface of Mormonism in two hours but I gave it my best shot.  

“So no one knows your leaving?  Your family?” He said

“Nope!” I said with pride

He looked down at his plate and shuffled rice, “You must feel so alone.”

I was not expecting that.  It took me a second to register what he had said.  I could tell from the way he spoke my story was affecting him.  I’m a strong woman.  I have literally fought for my life.  I was uncomfortable with where this conversation was going.

 “Let me ask you something. Do you know you are beautiful?”

“Yes. I have been told all my life I am beautiful.” I said chipperly

He looked Up. “No. I did not ask if people have told you. I asked if you knew.”

“Well. Yeah, I mean I think I am beautiful,” still fighting to maintain my composer

“But you don’t know,” he said. “You know nothing about Men.  You say you don’t understand these guys you have been seeing.  I will tell you this.  Every man you meet wants to sleep with you because you are gorgeous. You do not need to put up with Shit.  This guy that bootie sexted you, or the guy who was hitting on your waitress. You know ‘Good’ is ‘Greats’ ach enemy. Don’t settle for someone who doesn't want to know you. Wait here!” He jumped from his seat and ran to his car. In a moment he returned with a book.  Inside was a note for me. “When I talked to you on the phone I knew you needed this.”

The book is called The Icarus Deception and the note read

 “let me give you some advice. You are entering a very exciting time.  This will be the year of firsts for you. You need to get some people in your corner before you start. The world out there is-“

“I know” I said, “It’s a horrible awful place.”

“No.” he said, “It’s wonderful.  You will see. It is incredible!   People are amazing and are more understanding than you think. You only get one life but if you do it right you really only need one.”

Monday, April 15, 2013

The Last Unicorn

As I have mentioned before on-line dating is my only window to the outside world.  I make a bet with myself on every date.  How long can I go without mentioning that I was raised Mormon?  My record right now is seven minutes.   One night I sat down to dinner with Mr. Talldarkanhandsome.   In my head I’m thinking “don’t mention the church. Don’t mention the church....” Conversation is going well. Although I was constantly stepping over landmines.

“can I get you a drink?” Says  Mr. Talldarkanhandsome

“Water,” I say instinctively.

“oh?…okay…So tell me something about yourself?” He says

Mind draws a blank.  Don’t mention Church. “I like theater,” I spit out

“Oh yeah my buddy and his wife went down to see that Book of Mormon Musical. You seen it?”

“Nope.” I say.  Must change subject.  “So what do you like to do for fun?”

“Well my buddies and I like to play poker every Sunday night.  Maybe one of these nights you should play a hand?” He says

Wrong way! “I never played.” I say

“What! Really?  Oh I bet you have a good poker face?”

“oh. ha ha ha…” Awkward Silence…  Don’t mention the church.

“You said your little sister is getting married.  That nice. How old is she?”

“20. 20 years old.” I say coldly. Don’t mention Temple

“Wow that is young!  Your parents okay with that?” He says.  I just take a drink. “I saw you have a Utah area Code?” He says

“Yup.” More Silence

“Cool. Did you go to school out there?”

“Yes.  Where did you go to school?” I say deflecting back.

“Well I grew up going to catholic school.  I tell you what.  If you want to turn a kid off religion just make him go to church 3 times a week. Ha ha”

Damn! I was doing so well.   Slamming my hand on the table “oh yeah! Try 6 days!  Every Morning I had to wake up at 5 am.  I drove my ass down to church so I could get in to Brigham Young University.  I mean the education is good but you have to take all these religion classes.”  The flood gates are open now, “If I didn’t get into BYU, I mean, Game Over!  Can you imagine trying to be a Mormon at any other school.  And you get graded on how much you believe there is a magical man in the sky.  I mean, I don’t know if there is a God but if there is I doubt he has a secret handshake to get you into heaven!” 

  There is a tiny pause as I catch my breath.  Mr. Talldarkanhandsome blinks
“So...  Do you like sports?”

You know how dating on-line has a reputation for Crazyies.  Well I am starting to realize I am one of those Crazyies. People never really understand why leaving the church is such a big deal.  They do like to ask questions.  One is absolutely unavoidable.

“Hold on. Hold on.  Have you ever had sex?”

Their jaws drop to the floor and the questions never end. “You have never even taken off your shirt?  Have you ever seen a naked man?  You don’t know how to masturbate?” At this point they are usually sitting back in their seat, huge eyes just frozen to your face.  They are looking at a unicorn.  A 26 year old virgin mythical creature.  “Wait wait…have you ever even had an orgasm? ”
 For some reason these men are very egger to help you with your orgasm dilemma.

“I can teach you.  I mean, if you want we could…you know… ,“they say.

 I like to toy with them, “Oh gosh. I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

“No really! It is not a problem!”

“Are you sure….well…No that’s just weird.”

“It’s not weird!   I do it all the time. Well not all the time… I mean, can I get you another drink?”

I never realized how easily never-mormon men are aroused.  One time I said something to a guy about how I straddled a motorcycle and he practically passed out.  Mormon men seemed asexual.  They hide their Lobito’s under a confused suffocating blanket. I guess they are afraid of being seen as a pervert.  Honestly, I like feeling that men are attracted to me sexually.   I only understand Sex it in theory.   But I’m Glad I don’t have to lose my virginity all in one night.  I can ease into it. ;) 

Sunday, April 14, 2013

To the Vatican

Paris France! About a month before my life changed forever I was on a trip to Europe.  My friend Anna and I went to visit Roberta in Paris. I did not keep my doubts about the church a secret.

Sacre Coeur is a beautiful cathedral on a hill.  The center is reserved for prayer.  I entered the prayer section hoping to receive any guidance I could. The second my butt hit the bench a thought screamed out of my head “DON’T LEAVE THE CHURCH!”  I hadn’t even had a chance to start praying. This voice I heard in my head was harsh and angry. “Do Not Leave.  Bad things will happen.” I was choking inside. I could almost feel a physical pain shoot up my spine.  I got up from my seat confused. What was that? I told my friend Anna.

“Well, don’t ignore the promptings from the spirit.” Said Anna

 “Yes,” I said, “But I thought God worked with love.  I was told satin works in fear and anger. I only felt fear. Cold unloving Fear.”

My comment fell on deaf ears.  I remember thinking “Was that really God? It sounded a lot more like me panicked and frightened.  How do I know that was not the reaction of 26 yrs of conditioning?

A week later I was in Rome. The Catholic Church is a mystery to me. It was Magical.  I entered this big open space filled with pillars.  I saw this big church.  There was what looked like turn styles to get in, but there was no one in line.  I figured I would poke my head in.  When I walked in a saw something.

“Wow! That is a really nice replica of the Michelangelo pieta” I thought, “Hold on…that is the pieta!”, I was in the Vatican! My heart swelled.  I had walked into the most famous church in the world without even knowing it.  I spent hours soaking it in.  It was like a dream.  I decided to give prayer another shot. If there is a God the Vatican has to one of his favorite stomping grounds. I sat in one of the prayer sections and poured my heart out.  I told him I loved him. I asked for guidance. I was broken, humbled, and lost. I heard a voice again.

“Just stop. Stop worrying about what people will think of you if you leave.  I know you will find your way.  Do what you know in your heart is right.  Do not do things to spite the church, but don’t let it control you the way it has. Just follow kindness and love. Be a light in world by being your best self.”

I wrote this down and will never forget it.  I felt love and peace.  Was Joseph Smith a prophet? Well…he is if his teachings are uplifting you.  But if not, don’t be afraid you are not alone.

The next day I met a beautiful Roman Man.  After some convincing I agreed to let him buy me gelato. He told me he was a tour guide and offered me a free tour on his Vespa scooter. "YES PLEASE!" I was living the Lizzy Maguire Dream!  He showed me all of Rome. Secret places no one knows about.  Later he made it clear that there were some things of mine he would love to explore.  I thought about it. It would be nice to explore those places but I remembered the words I heard in the Vatican. “Do what you know in your heart is right.  Don’t do things to spite the church.” I knew that for me Sex with a man I just met was not something I wanted. We held hands and kissed all in good fun.  I didn’t let it go any further.  Not for the churches sake but for mine. 

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Life or Death

I’m Brave you know.  I know what people will say when I leave.  The crap that they say about everyone who leaves.  “Oh she just didn’t try to understand,” or  “Someone offended her”  Or my personal favorite “she thinks she is smarter than God.”  Maybe they think I just really want to have sex.  FINE! Go ahead and tell yourself whatever you need to be happy where you are.  Here is the truth.  I apologize this post is going to get rather raw.

“Excuse me,” said a voice
I did not want to talk to anyone.  I felt him following me.  I ran out the BYU library doors, but he caught up.  
“oh hello.” I said with a big plastic smile pretending I had not tried to outrun him. I saw instantly in his face he knew.  It must have taken courage for this nerdy looking boy to approach me.  But I suppose it was a matter of Life or Death.

“Um…I heard you…in the study room. The walls are quite thin,” He said

My face dropped. I had checked all the rooms. I thought I was alone, “oh.” I said “what did you-“

“You can’t do that!  You are so pretty. Why would you want to…to..”

We stared at each other.  There really is no way to explain why you need a suicide Tape.  I guess you could say, “because I would rather be dead than standing here talking to you!”

The conversation was somewhat brief. I would not give him my name and I told him I would run if he tried to stop me.  This poor kid. Caught up in something so vile.  I basically told him life is hard but I would get help.  I told him I needed the tape just in case.   I was so far gone at this point.  Why? I was very popular on campus.  I had just written a brilliant comedy show and directed it.  I had everything. However, I never felt like I connected with people.  I could not be myself.  What was worse I could only be loved by pretending to be someone I was not.

Later that week I got in my car and drove.  I knew what I needed. A garden hose should do it.  I figured this would be the easiest.  Pills might not work. You wake up in a hospital bed.  Nothing cutting. Gross!  No I will just slink away in my car. God the idea of it was like a cool glass of water when your mouth turned dry.  I craved death.  I found a hose.  I picked it up.  I started to unravel it and then I thought of my dear little sister. My eyes yellowed, My lips gray.  She would never be able to drive this car again. How would she buy groceries.  My thoughts spiraled.  I couldn’t stop them. I threw the hose and jumped in the car. I forced myself to drive though the hose chased me for at least a mile. Do not look back.  This never happened.  

I escaped death that night but it hunted me.  Every Sunday when I had to hear testimony after testimony.  Every time I was seen as strange.  Everytime I was overlooked by men for the Shorter, Skinnier, Submissive, “Spiritual” Girl.  I was loud and outspoken.  I was goofy and would point out Bull S#!t.  And though I was always welcomed at church I never felt accepted. 

I tried to forget that night, but I kept that tape for years…Just in case

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Magic Carpet Ride

It was St. Patrick’s Day!  Whaooo! I was heading out like any 26 year old woman, for a wild night of…Catch Phrase.  Yes you herd me.  I live in the beer drinking capital of the USA and I was going to spend St. Patrick’s Day in the basement of an LDS church.  But I had a secret plan.  At this point I was still very Mormon.  I had not done my homework yet.  I was so tired of hanging out with the same people who I really felt no connection too.  I saw online that there was a karaoke bar downtown so I got dressed up and after the 8th round of physiatrist(a mormon must game)  I excused myself and headed for the bar. 

I was going to do it! I was going to make friends! Friends with people who I have things in common with.  Maybe we would talk about travel, politics, theater, art, Heck I would even talk about sports teams.  I reached downtown. I could not find the bar.  There were other bars so I parked my car.  I could see from where I sat people coming and going. Every bar was packed.  Everyone was laughing and smiling. I saw a group of girls standing outside a Comedy Club. They were together talking a mile a minute and giggling.  One girl dropped her…something and darted into the street to get it. They all mocked her as she ran in front of a car forcing the car to a stop. Some men poked their heads out to say hi and drove off.  At this moment the glass on my windshield felt 12 inches thick.  I wanted so badly to be those girls. I wanted to feel free to mingle and flirt with exciting different people.  I wanted to go to the comedy club but instead I put my key in the ignition and drove home.

Three weeks later I was driving again to downtown. This time it was for a date! A hot one! Online dating has been my only means of meeting people. This was my third date with a non-member. As I pulled into the restaurant parking lot I felt like I had been there before. Dinner was great. He had gotten us tickets to a show and we were late so we had to run. We got there barely in time and took our seat. The show was so funny and he was so excited.  We were walking out of the theater when Deja-vu stuck. I was standing at the very place where I saw those girls three weeks earlier. Warmth bubbled up from inside me.  Maybe I don’t have a bunch of girlfriends but this smoldering bearded fellow would do.  My date reached for my hand and offered to give me a tour of the area.  I felt like I was in Disneyland. I was doing it! I just wanted to be a part of their world and for the first time it felt possible.  

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Poop Mosters

I was a Hell raiser and the class clown at church growing up.  I had opinions. I remember when I turned 12 going to my first young woman’s activities.  The activity was making a list of all the quality’s you wanted in your future husband.  Remember the part where I said I WAS 12!  So all the girls around me were writing things like, served a mission, temple worthy, hold the priesthood. I was stumped.  Absolutely mind blow.  My list had one thing. That he loves me and I love him.  The young woman’s leader keep pressuring me to write other stuff but I couldn't. I was not going to lie. Those other things didn't matter to me.  Eventually I slipped out to spy on the boys who were learning how to change a tire. 

It got worse as I got older.  I remember coming in late to a mutual activity where the “activity” was getting lectured about marriage. I made sure to ware my authentic Cub Scout Shirt I got at Good Will. It had merit badges and everything.  Ha Ha Ha. That always pisst off my Bishop.  I loudly took a seat in the back and tried to find a way to not pay attention. Then I heard something I couldn't ignore.

“Young ladies you all should want to have children.  It should be your main purpose in life to have kids”

My hand shot up like a rocket.

“Yes sister,” said Brother Old-man

“Yeah, what if we don’t want to have kids? I personally want to have a career,” I said.

“Well sister let me tell you a story. My son was dating a young lady and they were thinking about getting married. But he discovered that she didn't want to have kids so he broke it off with her-“

“GOOOOD!” I interrupted.  “They shouldn’t be together. That would be a teeeerrible match!”, Old man was stunned.  He really didn't know how to reply. So I continued, “I mean why should a woman give up her dreams to clean up after some Poop Monster?  And why can’t the husband stay at home? Am I right ladies?”  Everyone is just staring now. Just staring. My biggest fan Military Bishop piped in.

“It is our job to multiply and replenish the earth. Genesis 1:28.”

Well that shut me up. I learned you can’t win against someone who quotes scriptures unless you can quote back. But I sat back in my chair beaming.  I knew I had spoken truth.  

Monday, April 8, 2013

He Is Calling

*Buzzz*Buzzz *Buzzz

I was paralyzed.  Total Shock.  My phone was ringing and it was a… guy

As you may have noticed from my Post about the ACIDENTAL bra incident I’m not smooth with guys.  The first time a guy told me he loved me I hid behind his couch for an hour.  Well I moved between the couch and table because he kept trying to talk to me about it.  I’ve been dumped by most of my boyfriend. Usually for being too loud, having too much energy, being a feminist, or not having enough of a testimony of Joseph Smith.(or maybe it’s the hiding under the table thing)  I decided to make the switch from Peter Priesthoods to Worldly Waldo.  I joined a few dating sites.  To my surprise many guys were contacting me.  Attractive guys.  See I’m a forward woman…Well at least I was for BYU standards.   I would give guys my number all the time at BYU.  They usually didn’t even ask.  They never actually called.  Or if they did it was to invite me to their mission farewell.  So when I started doing online dating sites I gave my number out to a lot of guys.  Attractive guy…funny thing…they all called me.

It’s really great I’m getting to know so many new people.  One guy has really caught my attention. I invited him into my rather messy apartment. (Smooth) Which I should note is also my parent’s basement(double Smooth)  He is attractive, and fun, and smart, and, he seemed to care a lot about me.  But of course I’m not used to being hunted.  I could see him plotting.   I was a mouse being circled by a hawk…a really sexy hawk.  He would try to kiss me but every time he pulled me in I pulled away.  What was wrong with me?  I really wanted to make out with him!  Oh well. If he never calls me again he must be gay right?

One guy I made the mistake of ordering me wine.  I drank two sips and my head got cloudy. He kept trying to ask me questions and I just said “yes” because it was easier then listening to him talk.  I will say this that guy must have been funny because I was laughing so much Jake my Bartendapist wouldn't let me drive home. 

Another guy I went out with seemed rather nice too.  He is strong and did I mention attractive.(hint: they are all ATTRACTIVE)  last night we had a great time.  Dinner and a show, salsa dancing.  I was flirting with him a lot.  Giving him kissy faces.  When he was giving me a piggy back ride out of the club he just straight up asked me what I was doing tomorrow?

I got freaked out because Salsa dancing guy sent me a text saying he thought I was sexy.  I think he is sexy too but I would never say that to him.  When my phone went off and I saw it was him I froze. I worried if I moved the phone would somehow answer itself.  Once the phone stopped ring I could breathe again.  Why are these men calling me?  Don’t they know I’m a crazy cat lady in the making?  I even told one guy that on the phone.  He just laughed like it was a joke!

Most woman would be thrilled to have attractive men want to meet her.  But I go all Laura Croft on them.  I’m not sure what it is that throw me into a panic.  Maybe it has something to do being a feminist in a slightly sexist religion my whole life? Is it my fear of penises? (I didn’t even know how to spell it. Had to use google) Is it my desire for independence?  Or is it most likely my fear of getting hurt. 

Sunday, April 7, 2013

A Room of Mormons Go Silent

How do you make a room of 15 single Mormons go absolutely silent?  

Accidently blurt out,  “Oh that’s because I don’t believe the church is true anymore.” During General Conference.

I’ve been told many times I’m missing a “V Chip.”  If I think something I just say it.  I was sitting on the floor at my YSA GC party. I’m still in the Ex-Mormon closet.  These people have known me my entire life as a good old Mormon girl...I'm 26.  The topic of the Facebook Group came up.
“I tried to send you a message but you are not on the YSA Facebook page.” Said one sister

“Yeah what’s up with that?”Added a brother

Before I even remembered where I was I blurted out, “oh that’s because I don’t believe the church is true anymore.” Everyone’s faces went blank.  Dead stairs and open jaws. What the hell ME! That was not even the reason I didn't join.  I had been meaning to join.  I’m still planning on add the group.   Everyone was looking at me.  I had to think fast.  I took a cue from Fonzie. With a pair of thumbs up I just said, “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey”

A few people still looked puzzled and then they all started laughing.  “Oh crazy you! You are so strange. HA HA HA!”

“In jest, There is truth.”- Willham Shakespear. 

Jake my Bartenapist

Friday night and I was alone but in the spirit of changing my life for the better I grabbed my guitar and headed to an Open mic night.  When I got there the crowed was a healthy mix of 40 something’s and swamp people.  I quickly got a “Text” and ran!   Down the street was the bar where I lost my GINity(get it;)  I sat down alone trying not to feel out of place.  Sexy Jake was working. He was the one who fix me my first drink.  He got me a glass of white wine.  I just sat there at the bar alone lapping up the drink slowly; thinking about how much life sucks right now.  Jake my bartender/therapist or bartenapist noticed my obvious forlorn demeanor.  As he was cleaning glasses and taking orders he yelled to me, “How’s the church thing was going?”

“Terrible,” I yelled “I don’t fit in your world!  I don’t get it.”  Then I told him about a guy I kind of liked.  A really cool guy.  I wanted to date but thing were moving faster than I was used too.  “It was only the third date and I just couldn’t make out with him that fast.  Pulse I don’t know where it would take us or what it means.  Now he barley text me at all.  I don’t get it Jake. I don’t know if I can make the transition out.” 

Jake served the last shot to what looked like a 21 year olds birthday party and then leaned over the counter,  “You got to stop thinking you are so different from everyone else.  You are not! Yes, your experience growing up was different”

“Yeah different as in I know nothing. ” I said

“Different but that is who you are.  He knows your situation and if he can’t handle it..meh. You can only be you.” He said

“But it’s hard.  Maybe I should just go back to being a Mormon.” I said

“Look! you will be miserable if you go back, you will be miserable leaving.  But you have to do what is right for you.  You can’t just drown yourself in despair.  You’re a big girl so take care of yourself. Oh, go easy on the wine tiger”

He was absolutely right.  If anyone thinks I’m leaving the church because I WANT to live in the worldly world, they are WRONG.  I’m afraid of these people! But I have to leave.  I know in my heart that I don’t believe the teachings of Joseph Smith.    I can’t raise my daughters in a church where marriage is her ultimate goal.  I can’t raise my sons in a church that will expect him to spend two years on a mission. I can’t go back to church and pretended. It would do no good.  Looks like I better learn how to swim. 

Dating with a capital D

When I first realized Mormonism was no longer a part of my future the first thing that came to mind was Dating with a capital D.  How on earth would I make it in the real dating world?  I can’t relate?  It is just not possible.  Mormon Dating and Real World dating are so different aren’t they?  I guess I have never tried it before.  I had in my head this idea that men outside the church are sex crazed, unfeeling, snot wielding, non-committal two bit looser who NEVER even served a mission! However, I knew I did not want to marry a Mormon and so the only guys left were(dun! Dun! DUN!) Non-Mormons.

As I contemplated this idea, I remember the saying, “The common denominator in all you bad relationships is you.”  I've had bad luck dating… Mormon guys.  I've always been loving, supporting, honest, sensitive, and the best partner I could be.   I lacked the Testimony.  I believed with a lower case b.  I didn't pretend I knew anything about the church.  I never had that warm fuzzy feeling. I talked the talk but I couldn’t walk the walk.  My older sister, who later left the church, often told me I had to just pretend I had a testimony to get a husband.  That was what she did.  She went to all the meetings, and played nice with the institute teacher, and lugged her quad everywhere.   I may be an actress but I can’t do that.  Acting is about being genuine and yourself.  So no parading around my Young Womans Medallion for me.  

As for sex well....Yes. I have made the decisions to have sex before I get married.  I will tell you why my friends.  When I was briefly in Utah being dumped for not having a strong enough testimony I made an online dating account.  I noticed many of the men were divorced after about 5 years of marriage.  When I moved to where I am now I notice, at least online, most men were just single. They had two or three year’s relationships behind them.  Now I’m no expert but it seems to me that we are all just trying to find love.  Some people nail love down a lot faster than others but in the end if it is real it will stay.  Why should I let my sex drive pick my companion for me?    Why not live and let live…pick my partners carefully.  Get all the evidence before.  I need to be careful. I won’t sleep with anyone until I know I’m ready.  Maybe I won’t at all.  I can’t imagine letting a guy see me…naked. … gross! Anyways I will keep you posted. 

Saturday, April 6, 2013


I came home and saw a letter addressed to my little sweet sister who I love so much.  She is 20 and is getting married in the temple.  I think she is too young but I did my sisterly duty of being the overbearing fear monger.  I do believe her and her fiancĂ© will make it.  I know a little bit about the temple marriage ceremony and even tho I think it is weird...I am happy for my sister.  The letter was addressed from The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  A logo that used to bring me comfort now only brought me anger and resentment.  Many thing contributed to me leaving the biggest reason was I felt lied too.  So I snatched it and opened it.  I was going to find the clue.  Another reason to fuel my anger. I never would have expected what happened next. 

The letter was about her getting her endowments out.  They congratulated her.  Told her how wonderful this day would be.  Telling her the time, and date, and what to wear. It was written with love.  They called the temple The House of The Lord.  I had forgotten how much the temple means to Mormons. It is a special place.  Then I really lost it.  On the next page was a map to the temple and there was a road that was highlighted. It was highlighted by hand.  I instantly thought of the sweet old lady who was highlighting all the maps by hand because she loves the temple so much. I could see her pail face and the slight hunch she had developed highlighting map after map after map. 

That slightly crooked yellow line was the end of the line for me.  I had not cried until now. In my room silently sobbing so my parents wouldn't hear.  “I will never be married in the temple.” I thought.  The only one in my family not to kneel at the alter and look at those eternal mirrors. 

Mormonism was something that set my family apart.  We were not better we were different. There is good in the community of the church.  I am so close to my family and even tho my extended family thinks we are all nuts(parents converted) Mormonism had brought us together. No, I don't agree with the teaching. Sure it isolates me from the world, but I love my family more than the world. How can I leave all this behind?  

Friday, April 5, 2013

A Peek Out the Mormon Closet

“Well what about the whole Sex thing?”

 This was it.  The question I dreaded.  It was unavoidable.  I was going on dates with a non-member.  Roberta (Nope, not even trying to hide it’s a fake name) had been my best friend for years.  I don’t have any childhood friends, but I grew up with Roberta. She was my supporter.  I had told her everything until now. 

 I met Roberta at Brigham Young University.  She was an art student and I had the very scandalous job as a model! That right, people would draw me, and my perfect body in… a bikini.  Meeeeow!   One of the art students asked me to tell them my most embarrassing moment.  I had a reputation for being one of the more entertain models as I really would reveal all.  I decided to tell them the story where I Accidently absent mildly wore my bra over my shirt and then promptly went to visit the Boy I had a huge crush on.  I Honest to God Had  NO IDEA MY BRA WAS ON THE OUTSIDE OF MY SHIRT. I went to his apartment and took off my coat having no clue I was exposing myself to a bunch of Mormon boys.  They gave me some soup and we talked about life and school.  I’m fairly sure at least two of them had never seen a Bra before. Finally after ten minutes of awkward conversation the boy who secretly made me blush raised his hand… “yes?” I asked him,

"Can I ask you a personal question?", Hottie said

"Yes Oprah?" I said

“Whats with the swimming suite top?”, Asked the love of my life.

“Well she said she was at the hot tub right?”, a nerd piped in.

“I don’t understand?  Whats the question?” I said confused,

“Look down!” said the only man in the room who knew what a Bra was.

“OH SHNOT!” I yelpt, Grabing my jacket and jumping over the table.  Spilling my soup on the nerd. “sorry" I yelled, "I’ll clean it later.”  And that was how I met my future never-boyfriend.

From that moment on Roberta and I were Best Friends Forever….well at least that’s what I hoped.  I had not told anyone at this point...

“I don’t know how you can date a Non-member." Roberta said,  "And atheist at that!  Did you tell him you won’t have sex until you are married?”

“Robo, I’m not going to wait till marriage.”  there was a pause. I filled the silence with a very well thought out ramble as I tried to find a reasonable excuse for still being Mormon but not fallowing the key commandment.  When I started in on the slimily of my life to the TV show Fraggle Rock I stopped… I had to come clean.  “Robo, I don’t  Believe Joseph Smith is a Prophet.”  The words felt like coffee from my mouth. Stale and unrepentantly Black.(note I have only had coffee once)  

There was a pause again.  I was waiting for it.  Would she yell at me for throwing my life away? Would she try shamelessly to change my mind?  Or would she do what I feared most…Hang up.  I didn’t want my last look at her to be through the picselated  screen on Skype but what could I do?  And then it happened.
“oh…well…that makes me sad.  It’s okay” She said

“really?” I said

“yeah, I have had friends leave before” she said. 

I knew she had had friends leave before.  The other times had not been so pretty.  We talked openly for a while about how I came to the belief and about her beliefs.  I told her I was happy.  Truly unabatedly happy.  And the most beautiful thing was she was happy for me.   

 "I still love you", she said

"I love you too" I said

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Dinner With the Missionaries

I just wanted to know the truth.  I wanted to know what they had taught the missionary’s in the MTC.  Surely they can explain the Book of Abraham controversy   and Josephs wives, Blood sacrifice, Hilcamora, the Hat with the stone,  The Burning of the Nauvoo Expositor, The three men Joseph shot at Carthage and why there is no evidence today of anything that happened in the book of Mormon.  Just some of the facts of  Mormonism I missed.  Most likely I was flirting with some cute RM.   The church had to have explained this in the Missionary Training Center.  

“I just have a few really simple questions. I’m sure you get them all the time.  What is the churches stance on the whole Book of Abraham thing.” Two big beautiful eyes stared back at me. They had no idea what I was talking about.  I even tried to explain it to them to jog there memories."You Know the scroll that Joseph bought and translated into the Book of Abraham. It was later reviled not to be accurate at all."   Nothing.  "here! this is a picture of what he said and then what historians found it to be... nevermind, we will skip that one." They smiled

“Okay you know how Brigham young had the whole ‘blood sacrifice thing, you know where he said it was better to kill someone who sinned then let them keep sinning”, Blank stares “okay skip that one.  Polygamy!  How come the church never talks about all of Joseph Smiths 33 wives?”

“33 wives...I’ve never heard that. Are you sure? There are a lot of crazy things on the interweb.”, Said the Sister Missionary

 “ Yes.” I said stunned, “33 and ten were married and one was only…”  I couldn't finish.  These poor beautiful woman who loved the church so much that they gave up over a year of their life for it.  I could not take that away from them.  They had no freaking Idea!  The church had, I guess forgotten to teach about that.  I stopped asking them about the history of the church.  

That is the problem isn't it. Even after you leave you still want to protect the church.  I started trying to give them answers to these questions. “Oh well I think that, you know, it makes sense that the Book of Mormon was not actually translated from plates but from a hat with a rock in it.  He was inspired I’m sure.  The church just,  you know, doesn't share it because it’s so,  you know, hard to understand.”  If there were ever a Garden of Eden on earth today it is the Mormon Church and the Missionary Training Center was the mud that made Adam. 

My First Attempt at Alcoholism

“Grandma it is way past 8.  You should be a sleep,” I thought.  once the light clicked off I crept downstairs.  I didn't want a lot.  Just a taste.  The lights were all off downstairs but I knew where it was. My dad was asleep and my mother was not there.  It was the perfect crime. I had been planning it all day. Waiting for the right moment.   I was not sure exactly what Marlow was but I knew it was a forbidden fermented fruit.  I am slightly humiliated that at the age of 26 I had to break into my grandmas liquor cabinet.   Being Mormon you never even touch the stuff.  Like Indiana Jones I methodically made my way down the stairs.  Hopping over the stair that creaked. Tip toeing to the light switch.  Trying to avoid the dog.  There it was. Marlow. What is it?  I had no idea but it was red and there was a lot of it.  It towered over the counter like an ancient roman artifact. I quietly snatch the wine glass down from the ceiling. I poured myself a glass. Barely any really. I smelled it. It smelt fantastic! I had never smelled anything so sweet and biting. I poured a little more.  I drop spilled on the counter and I panicked!  Though it was the size of a nickel I imagined it would burn into the hard wood floor. The game would be up.   I could hear movement upstairs.  I raced for a paper towel. I couldn't leave any evidence.   Who knows what would have happened if my Dad caught me.  After I put the cap on I rushed to the stairs. I stopped suddenly. Two dead eyes pierced from a pale face. I knew it! I’m toast. It was the cat! She knew what I had done.  From where I stood she looked like one of the fallen devils.  "You don't understand cat!" I thought, " All your friends drink milk!"

 I flew up the stairs careful not to spill.  I know red wine stains because I have seen so in infomercials.  I sat on my bed and stared at the drink. It sat, and sat, and sat untouched.  I couldn't do it. I just couldn't bring myself too.  You see drinking that glass of wine was not just a glass of wine.  It was me turning my back on everything I have ever known. Drinking this would make me a sinner.  A lush in the Mormon world.   I am a good Mormon.  And good Mormons just believes. I took my glass of Marlow that I had worked so hard for and poured it down the drain.  One day at a time I thought. One day at a time.