Thursday, April 11, 2013

Life or Death

I’m Brave you know.  I know what people will say when I leave.  The crap that they say about everyone who leaves.  “Oh she just didn’t try to understand,” or  “Someone offended her”  Or my personal favorite “she thinks she is smarter than God.”  Maybe they think I just really want to have sex.  FINE! Go ahead and tell yourself whatever you need to be happy where you are.  Here is the truth.  I apologize this post is going to get rather raw.

“Excuse me,” said a voice
I did not want to talk to anyone.  I felt him following me.  I ran out the BYU library doors, but he caught up.  
“oh hello.” I said with a big plastic smile pretending I had not tried to outrun him. I saw instantly in his face he knew.  It must have taken courage for this nerdy looking boy to approach me.  But I suppose it was a matter of Life or Death.

“Um…I heard you…in the study room. The walls are quite thin,” He said

My face dropped. I had checked all the rooms. I thought I was alone, “oh.” I said “what did you-“

“You can’t do that!  You are so pretty. Why would you want to…to..”

We stared at each other.  There really is no way to explain why you need a suicide Tape.  I guess you could say, “because I would rather be dead than standing here talking to you!”

The conversation was somewhat brief. I would not give him my name and I told him I would run if he tried to stop me.  This poor kid. Caught up in something so vile.  I basically told him life is hard but I would get help.  I told him I needed the tape just in case.   I was so far gone at this point.  Why? I was very popular on campus.  I had just written a brilliant comedy show and directed it.  I had everything. However, I never felt like I connected with people.  I could not be myself.  What was worse I could only be loved by pretending to be someone I was not.

Later that week I got in my car and drove.  I knew what I needed. A garden hose should do it.  I figured this would be the easiest.  Pills might not work. You wake up in a hospital bed.  Nothing cutting. Gross!  No I will just slink away in my car. God the idea of it was like a cool glass of water when your mouth turned dry.  I craved death.  I found a hose.  I picked it up.  I started to unravel it and then I thought of my dear little sister. My eyes yellowed, My lips gray.  She would never be able to drive this car again. How would she buy groceries.  My thoughts spiraled.  I couldn’t stop them. I threw the hose and jumped in the car. I forced myself to drive though the hose chased me for at least a mile. Do not look back.  This never happened.  

I escaped death that night but it hunted me.  Every Sunday when I had to hear testimony after testimony.  Every time I was seen as strange.  Everytime I was overlooked by men for the Shorter, Skinnier, Submissive, “Spiritual” Girl.  I was loud and outspoken.  I was goofy and would point out Bull S#!t.  And though I was always welcomed at church I never felt accepted. 

I tried to forget that night, but I kept that tape for years…Just in case


  1. No one has commented on this post, which makes sense because this is a sensitive issue and it is really personal. I hope you will allow me to say my peace about this.

    This experience (and all the others like it--I am sure you know now that you are not alone) is a HUGE part of why I am trying to help change the church from the inside.

    It is never okay to make people feel like suicide is a good idea--especially in the name of religion. I think the culture/society of Mormonism does this mostly accidentally/ignorantly, and I think people are starting to wake up and realize that something is not okay. But the awareness has to keep growing; as humans we have to learn to support and protect and love and help each other--for real, not just think/feel that we do.

    I am sorry that this happened to you.

  2. I did it to my self. I'm Ashamed that i ever let myself feel this way. BYU is a wonderful school but it is not for everyone. I was very successful there and I LOVED my time there...I spent too much time pretending to be something i wasn't and feeling guilty for the person i was.

    I'm such a stronger person now. I know i never would have gone though with it. and i hope that anyone who ever finds themselves here knows "IT GETS BETTER." Get help. Take time. This will never be a problem for me again. I know now that i can be loved and watch rated "R" movies

    suicide is a Permanent solution to a temporary problem.

  3. I'm glad you're still around. :)