Saturday, April 20, 2013

Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

 “I’m a real Girl!”

 When I’m in a public place I feel like I’m looking at the Grand Canyon.  I can’t help but stare at all the human people.  They are so real. I never thought non-Mormons could lead happy normal lives. I was always told they were really miserable.  I find them so fascinating.  I feel like a spy. I can talk to anyone I want now.  I can make friends! It’s a terrifying exhilaration. 

I have lost about 5 LBS in the last three weeks. Coincidentally around the time I left the Mormon Church.  I’m so happy that I have on many occasion been caught dancing at the YMCA. I mean literally dancing on the treadmills. I’m dancing all the time. Shaking my bootie, Bobbing my head, and lip singing the words.  Even music sound sweeter.  I’m not a child anymore.  I’m 26 and I’m an adult now.  I’m a part of a beautiful world full of wonderful people. I can date whoever I want, drink whatever I feel, and work whenever I need.  I can wear clothing I like and someday maybe even enjoy the nether of a Man.  Would you believe me if I told you two months ago I was in a mental hospital?

The doctors had no idea what to do with me. I was in the hospital for severe depression.  They couldn’t figure out what kind of depression I had.  It was odd.  Every morning in group therapy people would share their tragic life stories.  I would start talking and the conversation always went back to the Mormon Church.  I told my therapist once how I bought a dress but it did not have a sleeve on one shoulder…

“I mean it’s for salsa dancing. It’s not slutty or anything.  It’s red.  It goes down to my knee actually.  I just love it! I look so good.  It’s a little tight but don’t worry no cleavage. I mean it’s not super revealing or anything. It is missing a sleeve on one side but I don’t feel super bad about that because it is a sport. Dancing is a sport.   I have had a few nightmares about it. It only has a sleeve on one side.  I swear it is not a slutty dress.”

 Here I am in a room full of seriously tragic souls and I’m freaking out about a dress missing one sleeve.  Even the therapist was I little taken back.

“Honey, You don’t need to justify anything. We won’t judge you for buying any dress.” Said my therapist

I was so shocked.  It never occurred to me that people might not judge me for wearing a dress without a sleeve.  It took me a few weeks but eventually I did ware that dress. It was liberating.

 I have been a recovering Mormon for three weeks now.  Last night I tried something very scary.  I found a website that advertised meeting new people.  They were all meeting at a bar with alcohol in it.  I cannot hold my liquor so I order a coke and tried very hard not to mention I was a Mormon.

“A Coke?,” said a clueless man, “What are ya a Mormon?”

Gosh Damn it! I just pretend I didn’t hear him. I was going to fit in tonight.  I had never been at a social event with so many people who were not Mormon.  I almost left after I got some rather unwanted attention from a Ex-Wife murder/drug dealer. I was going to call it quits went I noticed a group of seemingly normal people.  “Okay, I thought. Just go!”

They were all terribly nice. Of course I couldn’t hide the Mormon thing but I could tell they would not judge me.  In fact they were very interested in my journey. They all seemed to relate. I guess it is a common story.  Becoming who you are and not what is expected of you.  


  1. I remember this very well - feeling guilty about my clothing and then, once I was out, feeling very confused about what was normal.

    It'll all sort itself out - and best of luck. There are a lot of good times ahead of you. :)

  2. Give it time! I once was told by my mother to NEVER wear tank tops because it tempts men....and fast forward to now {10 years later} she bought me a *GASP* strapless wedding dress to my my heathen fiance so we can get married not in The Temple!! I kept asking her if it looked "funny" and she said, "PEOPLE WEAR STRAPLESS DRESSES ALL THE TIME." I guess she figures I'm just going to tempt my fiance all the time anyways since we live together. :D Hang in there. It gets so. much. better!!!

  3. Bah. I don't know what I was trying to get at there. She bought me a strapless wedding dress so I can get married to my never-mo fiance!

    This from the woman who said she would never, ever, ever pay for a wedding that wasn't in the temple.

  4. I am currently on my own quest of leaving the mormon world. I went to try on sun dresses at the mall. I was so happy about wearing the dress that I told and showed (pictures of the dress) to all my co-workers. And told them how the shopping made for an awesome a weekend. They looked at me with blank faces! Buying a sun dress is nothing new to them. Yet for me it meant that I was comfortable enough with my body to show my shoulders and that I didn't have to cover it up anymore! Oh yeah, and thhe fact that I knew I was pretty in the dress, that helped too.

  5. I Love all of these comments! Thank you for reading. please stalk me as much as you want. This blog is my therapist and the feed back is soo reassuring that i'm not alone. Oh how i love to write on here!

  6. Congrats to you for beginning this journey! There are a lot of fun moments ahead--best of luck navigating the weird process of leaving. You're totally not alone in this experience. :)


  7. I wrote this about Utah. (Note: that is a link).

    Where I grew up, we talked about not wanting to raise our children in Utah, not because of the Jack Mormons but because of the Utah Mormons. Mormons in all places probably have certain social problems, but the "holier than thou" and "if you're not Mormon, you're evil" mentality seems much worse in Utah (it sounds like it may be EVEN WORSE at your home). I assure you that this mentality is not a prerequisite for being Mormon--where I am from, Mormons have Non-Mormon friends and we like it.

  8. My family is actually less up tight then most Mormon family i know. But the mentality has still been had to deal with. I'm not looking forward to dealing with there questions.