Hi read you whole ,blog I am too trying to leave the Mormonism, I was never raised in the church but I feel so alone and I am so unhappy in it. You are an inspiration to me, my husband isn't or never has any plans on becoming Mormon. I am 28 yrs old and look to be free, I live in Ut also I really need more friends with or without being married.
Your welcome! Things are hard but they will get better for you. Just remember to take it slow. It gets better. i wish i lived in UT. There are so many people who i have met through this blog i would love to meet.
It's fun watching other mormons coming out who also are discovering their footing sexually. My problem is being sexually awkward, at 28 now. Being a 28 year old guy that hardly knows what he's doing is awful. I'm sure it must be just as confusing for a woman, but at least it's cute for a woman if she's a little uneducated sexually. As a man, not so much lol.
The one night stand I had I just want to forget. It was so awkward we haven't talked or texted since except that we won't talk about it (we work together too lol). Most guys would get excited about getting lucky, especially with a co-worker. I don't, makes me think I'm not wired for this kind of non-mormon life.
I'm happier and feel more confident and peaceful outside mormonism, but it is lonely as sh*t! If it weren't for the loneliness, leaving mormonism would be so easy everyone that's not crazy would have done it.
I'm not sure if I should get thicker skin and more practice sexually and hope I can settle down with someone where we make each other happy, or just go back and meet someone that's mormon. The second one has always sounded like a much safer bet.
I feel for you. But know you are not alone. Know that there are woman out there who will like that about you. Actually they will really like that! Back in my Mormon days I had no problem dating guys who were bad kissers because I figured I could teach them. You are not bad at sex you are just new. You need to tell the woman you are with this when you feel you can trust them. Avoid one night stands. Maybe talk to the coworker and say “look here is my deal…” She might be more understanding and even think it is cute. Trust me you are fine. My biggest problem is Every Single Man I go out with want to have sex with me. Like right now! No matter how much they don’t like me or care or anything. I know I could have sex tomorrow but I think it would just end up hurting me emotionally. I would LOVE to go on a date with a guy who is not so Down to Do It tonight. But at our age people are more “cool” about sex. I have a post coming up about this. Don’t beat yourself up about this. It takes courage to leave. Think about what you just said. “ I'm not sure if I should get thicker skin and more practice sexually and hope I can settle down with someone where we make each other happy, or just go back and meet someone that's mormon. The second one has always sounded like a much safer bet.” Right there are the words of a brainwashed man. Don’t fall for it. You have to look around but there are TONs of woman dyeing to be with a sexually conservative man. I’m one of them. Going back because you gave up just mean the church won. If you go back, Go back because you Want too, not because you can’t make the transition.
It's complicated. You have to admit for some people going back will provide the more fulfilled life. If mormonism was just negative and a rotten cult for everyone, it wouldn't be around and growing. It does genuinely provide something a growing number of people crave in life, oftentimes at the price of sanity- but really what's the difference?
Some people have lots of great opportunity waiting for them outside mormonism, and it sounds like from your blog posts you've got a LOT of great things going for you. Really happy and can't begin to say how jealous I am. But I'm not built for being able to fit in and thrive outside mormonism and need to go back in.
Brainwashed I can deal with, shutting up and being agreeable when people say idiotic things from the pulpit for an hour is no biggie. But being lonely is no way to live. 99% of mormons who leave can stay out and never think or talk about it which is great, but when you don't have much waiting for you outside eden, it's crazy not to go back.
Like Emma said some of what you say sounds like the old church warnings about the outside world.
I realise its hard, saying no to my father was very difficult.
Doing something you don't enjoy won't make you happy or any less lonely, you don't have to go to church to have social life, and ultimately we make the value in our life.
I have gone through the same issues and come out the other side, get use to some solitude, you will go through it more than once, if you ever get married and it breaks down you will think this loneliness was as nothing in comparison.
When your children grow up if you eventually have them and move on you are going to go through the same, I could go on.
Sometimes the intimacy you crave is not worth the emotional cost of getting it, you need to choose very wisely and work at it all the time and it is folly to think that Mormon women have a monopoly on the qualities you are after.
There are just as many neurotic people in the church as there are out of it, probably more because of the frustration of trying to be what you aren't. Just look at all the problems Catholic Priests get themselves in because of a very stupid self imposed celibacy.
Its also not surprising that your one night stand was somebody you work with, most of our waking hours are spent at work and we meet a hell of a lot of people at work and we usually have more time to get to know them better then in a cheesy bar or nightclub.
I'm a fan of doing what makes you happy. How long ago did you leave? I'll tell ya this. It took me about 6 months to find happiness outside of the church. Honestly i'm happier now then i was in it. for a long time i was sad and lonely because the world felt so different. I put myself out there a lot. It was work. You have a choice on whatever you do. All i'm saying is give the world a good hard try before you go back. You don't want to get married in the temple and then peace out after you have a few kids. Find yourself and what makes you happy.
I overwhelmingly agree with Emma. It takes a while once you admit to yourself and others that it's not working for you the way you've been told it should. If it was easy to leave the church I have the feeling that a LOT more people would do it. The fact is, it takes courage to leave...especially if you're in Utah and the whole culture and your family is overwhelmingly biased against the path you've chosen to take. I think it boils down to whether or not you can pretend to believe for the rest of your life. For me, I decided that I couldn't sit there in Sacrament meeting every Sunday and nod my head while saying "amen" after every testimony and talk that I didn't agree with and I wouldn't be the submissive wife with five kids who stayed at home at the expense of a career. Give being out a chance before you give up and go back. Find a peer group who understands where you're coming from, either online or in your community. The process of leaving isn't easy but it's worth it once it all works out.
Tough surname to live down for a start if your trying to stop being a Mormon.
I was bought up in it from Birth until I turned 19 and realised I really didn't beleive and going on a mission was just about the worst thing I could do to myself and anybody out there. If you think being a Mormon is the US is hard try it in Australia.
Its been 34 years now so yes you can do it. Half my family did half didn't but the world didn't end and no bolts lightning have hit me yet.
I wonder given genetics and all the advances of modern science when they will finally have to drop their major tennant of faith, after all Lamenites as they would refer to them clearly are not Jews or Hebrews.
Has your family given you a hard time, my mother still kept trying right up until the day she died, it certainly didn't help my marriage with her pestering my ex which was silly because I left 4 years before I met her.
There are parts of the upbringing you can't totally shake (and parts of it didn't totally damage you), I don't smoke and find I don't need the alcohol but on the plus side I have a killer singing voice (from all the hymns), helps when your in a band.
I just really want to say I really appreciate this blog. My famiy has grown up in the Church for generations and I was always surrounded by all of it. It does not help that I have to make everyone else happy so doubting the Church was out of the question. My fiance has distanced himself from the church long before I have and I'm still struggling with it. Your blog makes me feel better because finally someone (specifically a female in her twenties), is talking about her experience with all of this. Thank you so much for doing this.
I wish the best for you. I've been in, out, and back in, and now I suppose I've hit my stride. I think most have doubts, I certainly do, but for me, the pros outweigh the cons for my life. I can relate to a lot of what you've said and some of your feelings... but the most important thing I've read from you is that you are doing what feels right to you. That's astoundingly important. Stay true to yourself.
I really enjoy your blog. Your stories, experiences and viewpoint are spot on. I am hoping that you are able to help others see how CULTISH the Church is. I have a blog as well and have shared posts that I have written. I have received some great private responses and many negative ones from friends and family, Church leaders, lurkers who condemn me. Keep up the great work.
Hi read you whole ,blog I am too trying to leave the Mormonism, I was never raised in the church but I feel so alone and I am so unhappy in it. You are an inspiration to me, my husband isn't or never has any plans on becoming Mormon. I am 28 yrs old and look to be free, I live in Ut also I really need more friends with or without being married.
ReplyDeleteYour welcome! Things are hard but they will get better for you. Just remember to take it slow. It gets better. i wish i lived in UT. There are so many people who i have met through this blog i would love to meet.
ReplyDeleteHey "Emma", love Breaking Bad lol!
ReplyDeleteIt's fun watching other mormons coming out who also are discovering their footing sexually. My problem is being sexually awkward, at 28 now. Being a 28 year old guy that hardly knows what he's doing is awful. I'm sure it must be just as confusing for a woman, but at least it's cute for a woman if she's a little uneducated sexually. As a man, not so much lol.
The one night stand I had I just want to forget. It was so awkward we haven't talked or texted since except that we won't talk about it (we work together too lol). Most guys would get excited about getting lucky, especially with a co-worker. I don't, makes me think I'm not wired for this kind of non-mormon life.
I'm happier and feel more confident and peaceful outside mormonism, but it is lonely as sh*t! If it weren't for the loneliness, leaving mormonism would be so easy everyone that's not crazy would have done it.
I'm not sure if I should get thicker skin and more practice sexually and hope I can settle down with someone where we make each other happy, or just go back and meet someone that's mormon. The second one has always sounded like a much safer bet.
Hey "Anonymous"
ReplyDeleteI feel for you. But know you are not alone. Know that there are woman out there who will like that about you. Actually they will really like that! Back in my Mormon days I had no problem dating guys who were bad kissers because I figured I could teach them. You are not bad at sex you are just new. You need to tell the woman you are with this when you feel you can trust them. Avoid one night stands. Maybe talk to the coworker and say “look here is my deal…” She might be more understanding and even think it is cute.
Trust me you are fine. My biggest problem is Every Single Man I go out with want to have sex with me. Like right now! No matter how much they don’t like me or care or anything. I know I could have sex tomorrow but I think it would just end up hurting me emotionally. I would LOVE to go on a date with a guy who is not so Down to Do It tonight. But at our age people are more “cool” about sex. I have a post coming up about this.
Don’t beat yourself up about this. It takes courage to leave. Think about what you just said.
“ I'm not sure if I should get thicker skin and more practice sexually and hope I can settle down with someone where we make each other happy, or just go back and meet someone that's mormon. The second one has always sounded like a much safer bet.”
Right there are the words of a brainwashed man. Don’t fall for it. You have to look around but there are TONs of woman dyeing to be with a sexually conservative man. I’m one of them. Going back because you gave up just mean the church won. If you go back, Go back because you Want too, not because you can’t make the transition.
It's complicated. You have to admit for some people going back will provide the more fulfilled life. If mormonism was just negative and a rotten cult for everyone, it wouldn't be around and growing. It does genuinely provide something a growing number of people crave in life, oftentimes at the price of sanity- but really what's the difference?
ReplyDeleteSome people have lots of great opportunity waiting for them outside mormonism, and it sounds like from your blog posts you've got a LOT of great things going for you. Really happy and can't begin to say how jealous I am. But I'm not built for being able to fit in and thrive outside mormonism and need to go back in.
Brainwashed I can deal with, shutting up and being agreeable when people say idiotic things from the pulpit for an hour is no biggie. But being lonely is no way to live. 99% of mormons who leave can stay out and never think or talk about it which is great, but when you don't have much waiting for you outside eden, it's crazy not to go back.
Mate,
DeleteLike Emma said some of what you say sounds like the old church warnings about the outside world.
I realise its hard, saying no to my father was very difficult.
Doing something you don't enjoy won't make you happy or any less lonely, you don't have to go to church to have social life, and ultimately we make the value in our life.
I have gone through the same issues and come out the other side, get use to some solitude, you will go through it more than once, if you ever get married and it breaks down you will think this loneliness was as nothing in comparison.
When your children grow up if you eventually have them and move on you are going to go through the same, I could go on.
Sometimes the intimacy you crave is not worth the emotional cost of getting it, you need to choose very wisely and work at it all the time and it is folly to think that Mormon women have a monopoly on the qualities you are after.
There are just as many neurotic people in the church as there are out of it, probably more because of the frustration of trying to be what you aren't. Just look at all the problems Catholic Priests get themselves in because of a very stupid self imposed celibacy.
Its also not surprising that your one night stand was somebody you work with, most of our waking hours are spent at work and we meet a hell of a lot of people at work and we usually have more time to get to know them better then in a cheesy bar or nightclub.
I'm a fan of doing what makes you happy. How long ago did you leave? I'll tell ya this. It took me about 6 months to find happiness outside of the church. Honestly i'm happier now then i was in it. for a long time i was sad and lonely because the world felt so different. I put myself out there a lot. It was work. You have a choice on whatever you do. All i'm saying is give the world a good hard try before you go back. You don't want to get married in the temple and then peace out after you have a few kids. Find yourself and what makes you happy.
ReplyDeleteI overwhelmingly agree with Emma. It takes a while once you admit to yourself and others that it's not working for you the way you've been told it should. If it was easy to leave the church I have the feeling that a LOT more people would do it. The fact is, it takes courage to leave...especially if you're in Utah and the whole culture and your family is overwhelmingly biased against the path you've chosen to take.
ReplyDeleteI think it boils down to whether or not you can pretend to believe for the rest of your life. For me, I decided that I couldn't sit there in Sacrament meeting every Sunday and nod my head while saying "amen" after every testimony and talk that I didn't agree with and I wouldn't be the submissive wife with five kids who stayed at home at the expense of a career. Give being out a chance before you give up and go back. Find a peer group who understands where you're coming from, either online or in your community. The process of leaving isn't easy but it's worth it once it all works out.
AMEN! :)
ReplyDeleteGood Day Emma,
ReplyDeleteTough surname to live down for a start if your trying to stop being a Mormon.
I was bought up in it from Birth until I turned 19 and realised I really didn't beleive and going on a mission was just about the worst thing I could do to myself and anybody out there. If you think being a Mormon is the US is hard try it in Australia.
Its been 34 years now so yes you can do it. Half my family did half didn't but the world didn't end and no bolts lightning have hit me yet.
I wonder given genetics and all the advances of modern science when they will finally have to drop their major tennant of faith, after all Lamenites as they would refer to them clearly are not Jews or Hebrews.
Has your family given you a hard time, my mother still kept trying right up until the day she died, it certainly didn't help my marriage with her pestering my ex which was silly because I left 4 years before I met her.
There are parts of the upbringing you can't totally shake (and parts of it didn't totally damage you), I don't smoke and find I don't need the alcohol but on the plus side I have a killer singing voice (from all the hymns), helps when your in a band.
I just really want to say I really appreciate this blog. My famiy has grown up in the Church for generations and I was always surrounded by all of it. It does not help that I have to make everyone else happy so doubting the Church was out of the question. My fiance has distanced himself from the church long before I have and I'm still struggling with it. Your blog makes me feel better because finally someone (specifically a female in her twenties), is talking about her experience with all of this. Thank you so much for doing this.
ReplyDeleteI wish the best for you. I've been in, out, and back in, and now I suppose I've hit my stride. I think most have doubts, I certainly do, but for me, the pros outweigh the cons for my life. I can relate to a lot of what you've said and some of your feelings... but the most important thing I've read from you is that you are doing what feels right to you. That's astoundingly important. Stay true to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy your blog. Your stories, experiences and viewpoint are spot on. I am hoping that you are able to help others see how CULTISH the Church is. I have a blog as well and have shared posts that I have written. I have received some great private responses and many negative ones from friends and family, Church leaders, lurkers who condemn me. Keep up the great work.
ReplyDeleteJon Marshall