Sunday, August 4, 2013

Great Sexpectations

When I was at BYU I fancied myself a sexpert minus the sex.  I was not shy, timid, or afraid of the topic of sex.  I knew I would be a tiger on my wedding night. I had many different ways to please a man while making out.  I would talk about my technique openly. My friends looked to me for wisdom, like a make out guru. I scandalously made out in a spaghetti strap shirt, and short shorts.  I would lay on top of them, suck their fingers, Kiss their necks until I found their sweet spot. I was Samantha from Sex and The City.  “How are you so good at this?” one guy asked me “seriously. I want to know.”

 “Kissing 101,” I would say, “I’m the TA.”

How the tables have turned my friends. I went from a sexual predator to the prey. It’s not my fault!  They introduced all this new equipment I’m not familiar with. As you recall the first time a man took of his pants off I ran for the hills. (see: the “S” Talk) The first time I touched a dick I just held it and looked at the guy.

“um…what should I do?”, I said sheepishly

“Put your mouth on it.” He said

“WHAT! Gross. I’m not putting my mouth on that.” I said

“Why not?” He said

“Well… That’s where the pee comes out!” I asserted then I proceeded to lick it briskly one time.

I’m a good performer. I have spent my life on stage in front of thousands of people.  Yet get me alone in a room with a sexual active man and stage fright. I’m rather embarrassed that I thought I understood this.  I recently found myself in a situation where I was alone with an attractive man in his bedroom. Seth was much more patient than Rob. He constantly asked me if I was comfortable with what was happening.  As we were kissing I was thinking about all my old tricks I used on Mormon boys.  “Maybe I should suck on his finger” I thought, “No…he would just wonder why I wasn’t sucking on his Dick.”  As a result I felt lost and uncreative.  I didn’t know how to please him and even if I did I’m not sure I could. According to Cosmo Magazine there are at least 3,521 different ways to please a man.  I could not think of 1.

At one point I did get up the courage put my hands down his boxer shorts.  At first I thought, “his junk is small.” Then I realized it was not erected. I have never seen a penis in its shell. (I like to think it’s because I’m just too sizzling)  What was I doing wrong?  Where was my salute to being sexy? I was naked after all. What more could it want.  Seth assured me that men don’t just pop out.  Humph! Fail.

Seth took off his boxer and I did NOT run into the bathroom. Winning!  I was a dear in the headlights.  Seth gave me a quick tutorial of how it works. He coaxed it out, (It was not small) showed me a few of its favorite places to be tickled and explained how to give it a hand job.  You milk it.  See penis have clear liquid that comes out of them before they go off.  I was too scared to milk it.  I tried but I was slightly overwhelmed.  This was a lot to take in.  What if I did it wrong?  He saw I was in shock so he asked if I would like to watch him jerk off.  “Yes please!”  He jerked off and I just watched.  He said I was helping by watching. I couldn't help but wonder if my “helping” him was similar to when a child “helps” you sweep by throwing Cheerios on the floor.  I figured this time would be my practice round and next time I would try out what I learned.  

There was not a next time with Seth and this was probable the most valuable lesson of all.  After we made out things got weird.  He didn’t seem to want to see me and when he did he spent most of his time talking to other girls.  He even asked another girl out in front of me. Ouch my feelings! He said he was joking and I thought “Yeah, like when you were joking about seeing me naked later?” I’m not upset but slightly bummed I lost my Sex Ed instructor. Although I have learned many men are willing to take on that responsibility.
One such man is named Max.  I met him at a event. (I’ve realized that on-line dating is not a good way to make friends. More on that soon) Every time I see Max he is the perfect gentleman.  We went on one date and he tried several times for a second.  A few nights ago I went with him and a group of people to dinner. I started to panic. I was sitting in this booth with about 10 guys and 3 girls. I have been trying very hard not to over think but my mind was free falling into a pit of booze, and condoms. I told everyone it was late and I had to go. It was 10:00pm. Coincidentally Max decided he wanted to leave too. He said he would walk me to my car. I ran into the bathroom and stood there hoping he would leave without me.  I knew he wouldn’t. I did my best not to say a word to him as we walked.  As we got to the car...

"I’m just wondering when I’m going to see this woman again with her beautiful hair, beautiful eyes, fantastic ass, sexy lips, gorgeous legs--"

“Stop!”, I screamed in my head.  "Mormon men are not this forward, and sex is on the table now, and I don’t understand what you want from me!" I had to talk.  I told how I’m so confused about who I am. I’m still trying to reconcile my past, present, and future. Honestly, it felt good to tell him. I’m not sure he really understood.  He asked me to give him a chance and not to shut him out.

I jumped in my car and called Seth.  I told him how freaked out I was and emotionally vomited on him again.  I sort of felt bad calling him but I figured we were just friends now, and I needed to talk to someone who gets it.  Seth said that sex is just natural, like kissing.  Really everyone is just trying to find a connection. Someone to be close too.  I never thought of sex that way. It was always this huge unattainable magic spell that was used to…gosh I don’t know… reward for getting married…or to trick people into having babies.   Once I got it into my head that Max was just looking for someone to connect with I was able to relax.  I’m not sure I’m ready to let someone in but if I do I’ll start with my heart.


  1. Not that you are asking for advice, but I agree with Max. I would like to say more, but maybe you aren't looking for advice. If you would like "big sister" like advice email me at mollycheckedout at gmail dot com. :)

    Molls :)

  2. I am very open to feed back. I think It is good to keep an open dialog about such things. Also I had NO IDEA my comments were only taken by people with G-mail profiles. lame. I'm anonymous and my readers should have the same right. This is a tender topic and I know I would never throw my name out there.

    For those who have commented thus far thank you. For those who have not feel free too. Sorry it took me over 10,000 hits to see the problem with the comments.

  3. K, well I'm an awesome big sister it goes.

    My expert (haha) opinion is that it freaks you out because you haven't found the right guy. I was the queen of NCMO back in the day, but I didn't want to touch anyone's thing, or heaven forbid put it in my mouth! When I was 15 and my mom told me what oral sex was, I said, "That's gross, I will NEVER do THAT!" And I never had the desire to until...I met my husband. I was just 17 when I met him. I knew it was "wrong" but I needed him. We pushed every boundary, we felt every part of each other. The only thing we didn't do was actual penis to vagina penetration. I wasn't scared because it was him.
    When he was on his mission and I was dating/waiting I have plenty NCMO's and levi lovin'. But there wasn't one person I dated that was worth touching in that way. Though I was looking for it cause waiting sucks!

    I get that you are, was it 26? And you feel way behind. You could just get it over with, you are well within your right. It's your body after all. But I have really been thinking about what I will tell my own children. I don't believe sex is bad. I always thought I would have the same expectation my parents did for me. "Sex is good, but only for married people." That is changing. I think I will tell my kids, sex is wonderful. But it is also powerful. It can connect you to someone else, like nothing else. Even if the sex stops, the connection will still be there. I will encourage them to not make lite of it, and the impact it will have on their partner. I just want them to respect themselves and their partner(s).

    I think in the end you have to do what makes YOU happy. If getting it over with really is the goal that you think will make you happier, then by all means go that route. I don't know you, and there is no judgment. But I do think from what I've read, that you are an incredible, smart, witty, perceptive, strong girl. Personally I think any guy who gets to experience all of you should see that and appreciate it. He should be fighting for the right to be yours and experience together or teach you the ropes.

    Much love and well wishes,

  4. I've thought a lot about what you have said. I'm a runner. I get freaked out and pull away sometimes. I think that is normal. Max is a nice guy. I'm impressed by how thoughtful he is but we don't have much in common. I'm not sure I like him. It would be nice if I just knew a guy was right but I have "known" I found the "one" three times. You can't ever know but you can try. I'm going to keep trying and I'm going to start by NOT running.

  5. I would echo what Molly said. My advice to you- and I mean this in the nicest way- is to calm yourself down and let things happen naturally.
    When it's right, you'll know what to do.

  6. I grew up in the church too and can relate to the trouble of dating outside it, although being a man things are bit different, like the part about how forward men are. For me it's hard to adjust to how forward, take charge, leader and knower of all the good sex I'm expected to be, like I am totally unprepared for the real world of dating and it is very intimidating! In my experience real world women are very demanding and show no mercy lol like laughing at you when your nervous/ ask questions or they will say stuff like: you had better make me cum. even tho they know before hand I haven't got a clue. All in All I'm very glad for the change but adjusting is difficult at times.

    anyway thanks for making this blog it's really great.

  7. No need to rush anything! Remember how it was when you were your former self. Knowing you should stop but wanting to go just a tiny bit farther - losing yourself in the time you were making out. It will be that way again. You really can just have sex with guys you love and are attracted to. This will happen to you eventually.

    I'm twice as old as you, I've been married nearly as long as you've been alive. I've spent the past 3 months in sexual counseling. It's taken me this long to realize I was still having issues from messages I got when I was younger. It's going well, though. It's a new chapter for my husband and I. A nice surprise to have in the 40's. In any case - no need to rush, when the time is right your body will lead.

  8. Wow! I love this Blog. After reading around I decided I want to be your friend in real life. Keep writing please and don't stop.