Great Sexpectations

When I was at BYU I fancied myself a sexpert minus the sex.  I was not shy, timid, or afraid of the topic of sex.  I knew I would be a tiger on my wedding night. I had many different ways to please a man while making out.  I would talk about my technique openly. My friends looked to me for wisdom, like a make out guru. I scandalously made out in a spaghetti strap shirt, and short shorts.  I would lay on top of them, suck their fingers, Kiss their necks until I found their sweet spot. I was Samantha from Sex and The City.  “How are you so good at this?” one guy asked me “seriously. I want to know.”

 “Kissing 101,” I would say, “I’m the TA.”

How the tables have turned my friends. I went from a sexual predator to the prey. It’s not my fault!  They introduced all this new equipment I’m not familiar with. As you recall the first time a man took of his pants off I ran for the hills. (see: the “S” Talk) The first time I touched a dick I just held it and looked at the guy.

“um…what should I do?”, I said sheepishly

“Put your mouth on it.” He said

“WHAT! Gross. I’m not putting my mouth on that.” I said

“Why not?” He said

“Well… That’s where the pee comes out!” I asserted then I proceeded to lick it briskly one time.

I’m a good performer. I have spent my life on stage in front of thousands of people.  Yet get me alone in a room with a sexual active man and stage fright. I’m rather embarrassed that I thought I understood this.  I recently found myself in a situation where I was alone with an attractive man in his bedroom. Seth was much more patient than Rob. He constantly asked me if I was comfortable with what was happening.  As we were kissing I was thinking about all my old tricks I used on Mormon boys.  “Maybe I should suck on his finger” I thought, “No…he would just wonder why I wasn’t sucking on his Dick.”  As a result I felt lost and uncreative.  I didn’t know how to please him and even if I did I’m not sure I could. According to Cosmo Magazine there are at least 3,521 different ways to please a man.  I could not think of 1.

At one point I did get up the courage put my hands down his boxer shorts.  At first I thought, “his junk is small.” Then I realized it was not erected. I have never seen a penis in its shell. (I like to think it’s because I’m just too sizzling)  What was I doing wrong?  Where was my salute to being sexy? I was naked after all. What more could it want.  Seth assured me that men don’t just pop out.  Humph! Fail.

Seth took off his boxer and I did NOT run into the bathroom. Winning!  I was a dear in the headlights.  Seth gave me a quick tutorial of how it works. He coaxed it out, (It was not small) showed me a few of its favorite places to be tickled and explained how to give it a hand job.  You milk it.  See penis have clear liquid that comes out of them before they go off.  I was too scared to milk it.  I tried but I was slightly overwhelmed.  This was a lot to take in.  What if I did it wrong?  He saw I was in shock so he asked if I would like to watch him jerk off.  “Yes please!”  He jerked off and I just watched.  He said I was helping by watching. I couldn't help but wonder if my “helping” him was similar to when a child “helps” you sweep by throwing Cheerios on the floor.  I figured this time would be my practice round and next time I would try out what I learned.  

There was not a next time with Seth and this was probable the most valuable lesson of all.  After we made out things got weird.  He didn’t seem to want to see me and when he did he spent most of his time talking to other girls.  He even asked another girl out in front of me. Ouch my feelings! He said he was joking and I thought “Yeah, like when you were joking about seeing me naked later?” I’m not upset but slightly bummed I lost my Sex Ed instructor. Although I have learned many men are willing to take on that responsibility.
One such man is named Max.  I met him at a Meetup.com event. (I’ve realized that on-line dating is not a good way to make friends. More on that soon) Every time I see Max he is the perfect gentleman.  We went on one date and he tried several times for a second.  A few nights ago I went with him and a group of people to dinner. I started to panic. I was sitting in this booth with about 10 guys and 3 girls. I have been trying very hard not to over think but my mind was free falling into a pit of booze, and condoms. I told everyone it was late and I had to go. It was 10:00pm. Coincidentally Max decided he wanted to leave too. He said he would walk me to my car. I ran into the bathroom and stood there hoping he would leave without me.  I knew he wouldn’t. I did my best not to say a word to him as we walked.  As we got to the car...

"I’m just wondering when I’m going to see this woman again with her beautiful hair, beautiful eyes, fantastic ass, sexy lips, gorgeous legs--"

“Stop!”, I screamed in my head.  "Mormon men are not this forward, and sex is on the table now, and I don’t understand what you want from me!" I had to talk.  I told how I’m so confused about who I am. I’m still trying to reconcile my past, present, and future. Honestly, it felt good to tell him. I’m not sure he really understood.  He asked me to give him a chance and not to shut him out.

I jumped in my car and called Seth.  I told him how freaked out I was and emotionally vomited on him again.  I sort of felt bad calling him but I figured we were just friends now, and I needed to talk to someone who gets it.  Seth said that sex is just natural, like kissing.  Really everyone is just trying to find a connection. Someone to be close too.  I never thought of sex that way. It was always this huge unattainable magic spell that was used to…gosh I don’t know… reward for getting married…or to trick people into having babies.   Once I got it into my head that Max was just looking for someone to connect with I was able to relax.  I’m not sure I’m ready to let someone in but if I do I’ll start with my heart.