Friday, August 9, 2013

Gift of Tongues

I decided to give religion another try.  It had only been a month since I had sworn off Mormonism. God and I were not on speaking term but I missed the community.  I walked into a non-denominational church.  Huge crucifix on the wall, huge coffee shop, huge gift shop, and even a guest services counter.

 “Excuse me.” I said to the jolly woman at the desk, “When is your service for young single adults?”

“Our youth programs are listed in this pamphlet-“

“oh… I’m sorry. I was looking for activities for unmarried people in their 20’s.” I corrected

Jolly looked at me a little confused. “Are you an expecting mother?”

“What? no!” I said, immediately checking my stomach for a taco baby. “No I’m not pregnant. Unless you believe in immaculate conception. Ha ha.” She gave an un-amused smile.

“Well we have an expecting mother’s class or a small Bible study for adults of all ages.”  

“Christ no!” I thought, “Sounds like seminary all over again(See: Seminary Buff). And no offence to expecting mothers, but I relate to better to women who don’t have little people inside them telling them when to pee.” I leaned over the desk searching for a pamphlet with activities for 20’s singles.  At Mormon Church there were loads of fun activities every week.  I went home and scoured the internet.  I finally found one service for people in their 20’s and 30’s. Jackpot!

 I walked into a dark room with a smoke machines and laser beams. I enjoyed watching the rock bad play and the pastor’s enthusiasm.  People were shouting and having fun. I couldn’t quite get into the raise the roof style of worship but I had just spent the last 26 years baptizing dead people so who am I to judge. I cringed every time he said the words sinner or saved.  What do those words even mean?  Afterword I met a cute girl with a nose ring and she invited me to her house for a pizza party. I was excited to make some new friends.  I had loads of questions for them.  “You don’t believe you have to be baptized to go to heaven?”,  “Marriage is not required?”,  “You don’t have a problem with drinking?”

“Well, we don’t believe in getting drunk?”, Said nose ring.

“Oh…okay” I failed to see the difference. “What about clothing?  Can you ware tank tops? ” I said, assuming they would say “Yes!”

There was a slight pause. “We believe in dressing modestly,” said another girl.  I suddenly felt very self-concusses about my strappy polka dot dress.   As we continued talking I realized how similar these people were to Mormons.  One guy swore and was chastised for it.  Yeah they had tattoos and nose rings but they also had specific ideas about how life was to be lived.  Soon they started asking me questions about the Mormon Church.  I used to know how to answer these questions.  Not anymore.  I told them what I perceived the church to be, and I did not hold back.  One man was very interested in what I had to say. He was a youth minister.

“So how does it feel now that God finally hears your prayers?” Said the minister.

“um… I think God has always listened to my prayers…  What are you saying? You don’t believe God hears the prayers of Mormons?” I asked. Everyone laughed.

“Well of course not. Mormons aren’t really with God.”He said

“hang on! hang on!” A knot formed in my stomach, “You are telling me that of the millions of Mormons out there God is just plugging his ears.  Sure I don’t agree with how it started but I doubt God would punish these people.  I mean they pray, ‘in the name of Jesus Christ Amen!’  What about my brothers and sisters who go to church every Sunday for three hours?”

He launched into a story about how he knew a man who was blind and sick.  So he prayed and the guy got better.  I didn’t see how God answering his prayer negated God answering a Mormons prayer. I told him about some Mormon miracle prayers.

“Well that’s just a coincidence.”  He said. Then the minister jumped up on the couch.  He threw a coat over his head and started dancing.  Everyone began laughing as he sang…

Look at me I’m joseph Smith I have a magic hat.
 My golden plates have never been seen
 but God wrote them and that’s a fact.
  So join me a my lovely wife and all her lovely friends
And we will start a new planet where the sex never ends”

You know that friend you have who is really really fat. And even though she makes jokes all the time about how big she is you don’t ever join in.  Well I kind of felt like that.  I can make fun of Joe Smith because I lived it.  It is the heavy weight that shaped me.  When this little show tune started I had no respect for the Mormon Church. I should have jumped up on the table with him.  Something in me knew this was wrong.  For the first time I sympathized with the church.  I was still angry.  Angry that I had lived my life around what I now believed to be a lie.  But I wasn’t going to become a better, happier person by tearing it apart.  I left that night and I never went back. I guess you could say I received the gift of tongues. I learned to bite it. 


  1. i've had a lot of similar experiences. people LOVE to talk shit about mormonism, recount the south park episode for me (even if i tell them i've seen it), and generally make a joke of my upbringing.
    then they get REALLY butthurt when you turn that ridicule onto a religion that's closer to home. not even a religion they're actually living, but the religion of their parents or of one of their friends. it just proves how hypocritical it is to be religious and say anything negative about another religion.
    the best is when someone's solution to my negative feelings about god is to join some church that's a carbon copy of a carbon copy of some other religion exactly like mormonism but spiced differently.

  2. That's one of the reasons I left christianity, too. They can be so offensive and disrespectful towards other people's faith even though their religion isn't any better...

  3. You may want to look at going to a Unitarian Universalist church. They are very accepting of all faiths (or no faiths at all) and are often very centered around fellowship and socializing with other members. Good luck!

  4. I love your blog so much. Really funny stuff, and also very insightful. I often wonder how much of it is real and how much is embelished.
    You sound like a great person :D and you're a terrific writer. Good luck with your future endeavours as you wander through this crazy world..
    From a TBM,
    keep up the blog! I'll read it untill they send me off on a mission

  5. hey Kai! I don't really embellish my stories. I'm just this nuts:P my friends actually tell me i need to chill and stop trying so hard to fit in. I did write the song in this one because i don't remember what he actually sang and i don't think it rhymed. Let me DouchBag Hunter that was the exact diloge I pulled from my FB chat. So I guess I lied when I said it was a Text. Oh and i don't actually talk or dress like Steve Erwin. Also i'm not a super skinny as my pictures show. I like to think of it as an artistic style. i have a figure nice figure and i'm not heavy but I have hips and Dun Dun Dun Love handles. But I love my bod and think i'm a hottie. also my hair is a little waiver. hmmmm....what else...honestly can't think of anything else. I will tell you one fun fact tho. My sister was a famous Mormon celeb. Famous for being Mormon basically. If you are over 26 you know her...I may have said to much. this blog is supposed to be anonymous. But thats the crazy family i'm from and i love it. Good luck on the Mission Kai. Do you want to go? Is it a family thing?

  6. Dang, I'm not over 26 so I don't know who your sister is. Your identity remains a mystery! And yes, haha, I do want to go on a mission. I left the church when I was 17, and although leaving was a really important step in my life (I actually wrote a novel about leaving the church! and your blog totally reminds me of the things I also experienced) I eventually found myself missing the wonderful magical world of Mormonism. Just last New Years I was drunk at my computer, softly singing along to Mormon hymns by myself after a long night of partying. So five years without stepping foot inside a church..I started coming back! The only sad thing is that now that I decided to serve a mission, I won't get to see my best friend's wedding. I was supposed to be the best man :( But I'm getting older.. I'll be 23-25 surrounded by 18-20 year olds as it is!

  7. Well that's great! There is room for all types of Mormons. Faith is such a personal choice and i'm glad you have found joy in it. But remember missions are hard work so don't feel bad if you feel the need to hop a plane and fly back to the "Real World"

  8. Emma- people are going to think that you're not too good at the secret identity thing if you keep dropping hints like that.

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  10. Good for you! By that I mean congratulations on three things- seeing through the lies and following your conscience out; realizing that doesn't mean God is a lie and seaking out another house of worship; and being indignant when you heard tscc thrown under the bus.
    Nondenoms tend to be much like the early LDS. Generally, they form around a charismatic "preacher" and therefore the members of that church are the only ones who "get it". Not only Mormons but any other denomination can be targeted for ridicule.
    This is a critical phase in your journey out. My advise is try a church in an established denomination, but if you walk into any church and hear something other than God's love, mercy and grace, walk away. I'll pray you find one where you can worship in spirit and truth.
    Other denominations don't believe in the necessity for temple marriage as the LDS does. Consequently, there isn't the same emphasis for young men and women to meet through the churches, and singles groups can have a lot of variation, ie. don't expect what you saw in meetinghouses.