Sunday, January 20, 2019

Perspective Illness

Picking up from 2016

"I wish you would eat with your mouth closed.", Said Alex, "Its discussing."

My left eye was burning and dripping constant tears. My head had been pounding for over a month.  I was not enjoying this brunch, I was enduring it.  Why?  I only left the church a little over a year ago.   Alex and I had been seeing each other for almost a year.  Maybe that was long enough.  He was handsome and I did tell him I loved him but right now I love my spinach omelet more.  Alex dropped me off at my messy apartment.  Of course he had to comment on it.  Yes, my apartment is messy but I'm also in agonizing pain, not that you give a shit.

I closed the door and thanked Eloham he was gone.  I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Hey! I'm young,  I'm hot, besides my leaking eye, but that will heal.   It's time to end it with Alex.  Time to find a new exciting never Mormon adventure.  Time to unwrap a few more Penises!  Once I get these weird attacks under control I'll send him packing".   I had been dealing with these debilitating migraines for over a month.  They should get better soon, right?

I was thriving in my new reality.  I was killing it at my sales job as the top sales person.  I was losing weight.   I went from being a 27 year old Mormon spinster to a sexy young ex-mo temptress.  Being desired is not part of Mormonism.  Yet even with a boyfriend men were throwing themselves at me.  Well... more of an awkward drunken stumble, but I liked the attention! All my mormon life I was never what men wanted.  In the never-Mormon world I was the dream. I was naive and new.  Alex was starting to feel old.  Alex was not a bad guy.  He is the first guy I slept with who I liked.  It was settled.  As soon as I felt better Alex was history.

I did not get better.  I got much worse.  The subtle burning in my eye turned into a volcano of never ending pain flooding over my face.  As the doctor visits became more frequent Alex became more concerned.  One day I was at the doctors again.  He shot me up with the medicine that would give me a few hours of peace.  Only this time it was much stronger then I could handle.  The pain melted away but so did my ability to function.  Alex left work to come save me from my loopyness.

"It could be a brain tumor. I'm going to schedule an MRI." Said Doctor Killmenow.

There is nothing like facing your own death to really put a damper on the evening.  Alex put me to bed and started cleaning my apartment.  He made me some dinner.  Though eating was painful, I slowly chewed.  I worked so hard to be independent of my parents and the church and here I was curled up in Alexs arms.  Funny only a few weeks ago I was going to dump this guy.  Now it looks like he will be the one dumping me.  I wanted to save him the guilt of being the bad guy.

"Your really quiet. Say something.", Alex Said.

This was it.  Be nice and give him the out.

"Alex I know this has been a lot.  I want you to know that it's okay if you can't do this anymore.  I wont blame you if you want to go your own way."

There was a sharp pause.

"Don't even talk like that!"  He said.  Alex pulled me in tighter.  "Come on! Talk about something else.  You can chew with your mouth open,  just keep talking."

In all my years taking about the importance of marriage with church firesides, etiquette night, singles mixers, marriage prep and temple prep classes, I was not prepared for this.  This was love.  Not the flowers he got me on valentines, not the dinners he made me, or the orgasms he gave me.  This was something else and it had nothing to do with weather or not I had a temple recommend.

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Radio Silence Broken


You may have noticed my blog has been silent for a while and you probably thought I was dead.  Well I very nearly was!  I got a horrible Migraine that was unrelenting. It lasted a day... then a month...then five months then a year.   The word Tumor was throw around by my doctors.  Every day of my life was agonizing pain.  I fell into a suicide depression. I almost lost my job and my life.   Luckily with the help of Web MD I was able to correctly diagnose myself with Cluster Headache also knows as "suicide Headaches".  Can you guess why?

Luckily the treatment is working.  My eye sight has returned and I am ready to take on life again.  Much like our fabled father I have raisin. 

Once I found myself healed I decided  to focus on writing my play. About 2 years ago I embarked on making this blog into a play.  I spent over 1,000 hours writing this show.  I produced it with a local theater company and played the lead role bases on myself.  This was a life goal to take my story and put it on a platform everyone could enjoy.  The show ran for a month and sold out most nights.  It is the most important thing I have ever done.  You can watch the recording HERE.

 So now I'm really back to give my Blog an ending.  So so much has happened.  So much healing.  I will be rewinding the clock to fill in the blanks.

The most interesting development was that of a man I thought I hated...

Something happened and only one person would have the info I needed...my Mormon Ex-boyfriend.  A man who I have resented for about 3 years.  I have called him a lot of names on this blog but now I will call him Ron.  Ron was the guy I moved out to Utah for in a desperate attempt to find eternal bliss. Like many 26 year old single Mormons I sadly made my trek to the breeding ground.  If I didn't marry Ron I was going to find another Mormon to marry. I had too. My Mormon life depended on it.  

The thing I hated most about Ron was that he saw through my bull shit. He called me out for swearing.  He judged me for not serving a mission or wanting too.  When he dumped me he told me it was in part because he worried I might drink Alcohol someday.  I was not living up to the churches standard for me and deep down I liked it that way. 

When I unblocked Ron on Facebook I was expecting to see him in a white shirt and tie. I pictured him standing by his lovely Mormon wife holding their lovely new born baby. I imagined his page riddled with Elder Bednar quotes.  What I was not expecting to see was Ron wearing ladies makeup covered in rainbows with purple hair. Turns out my Mormon-Ex is now an Ex-Mormon.  All these years I resented Ron because he got to live the Mormon life. I loved being Mormon. The choice to leave I felt was forced on me. The "shit or get off the pot" mentality. Either get married and be Mormon, or question everything.

Reconnecting with Ron helped me let go of the jealously. The frustration that I could not blindly kneel at the alter and let the prophet tell me everything I need. Apparently Ron and I were both fighting the same fight.  Ron now live in Portland Oregon and is exploring who SHE is. Thats right, Ron is a she.  She is a pan sexual lesbian.   She luckily married a beautiful woman who saw through the bull shit and they left together. Ron is now one of my favorite people to talk to when the church pisses me off. She is a really great gal.  My anger toward the church was made into an Ron effigy burning with hatred. Sorry Ron, you were actually the perfect last Mormon boyfriend.      

Friday, January 18, 2019

Playing Catch Up


The purpose of this blog it to help people dealing with the trauma of leaving the Mormon Church. Specifically younger single woman or men sheltered by overbearing ideas of a controlling lifestyle.  Best to start with my first post and read your way back to front. Start here. My fist post was 2 days after I realized I could never be a Mormon.





Wednesday, January 9, 2019

WATCH MY PLAY HERE!


I have a professional recording of my play!  I would love to see another theater pick it up.  I have it copy written and would be thrilled to see it done on any scale.  The theater that produced my show is a not for profit.  The links are below

ACT 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Wz2Sv8t-Lc&t=310s

ACT 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsUhtBM7-pk&t=15s

Saturday, February 17, 2018

I WROTE A PLAY!!!


I must say I am extremely proud of this show I wrote.  It was picked up by a local theater and has been a huge hit.  I spent literally thousands of hours writing this show.  Lots of healing as well.   Almost sold out every night with tons of laughs.  And the best part is I wrote it, I play the lead AND it's about my true life experiences. 

Check out the Trailer for the show here.  And if you live in the Midwest make you way out!  














































Friday, March 11, 2016

Blessing in Disguise

So hear is a question for you. What would you do if you got very ill...and not just a flu or an upset tummy...like truly awful "do I need to make a will?" ill.  Your parents arrange for you to get a priesthood blessing.  What do you do?  

When my mother told me she had contacted some Mormons in my town to give a blessing there was a large part of me that wanted to say "No thanks.  I already rubbed a magic onion on my head."  But when the word tumor is floating around Doctors offices you tend to back off form biting remarks.  Did I believe that a priesthood blessing would stop whatever was happening in my head?  No, tho I really wished it would. I admit I  wanted to get back to God simply so I would not feel sick. I wished I had drowns of Mormons to come over and make me dinner, and talk to me, and tell me some dude in the sky was going to make everything okay.

I decided to let my parent arrange a blessing for me.  My sister came over with her husband and an old family friend.  It was really nice to see how much my family cared about me. I felt a little awkward participating in a blessing.  They asked me who I wanted to say the main blessing and I wanted to say "My Sister!"  How cool would that be for me to totally shake the establishment and have a woman give the main--Ouch oh i'm in pain!...  It's hard to be rebellious and desperate at the same time.  

I did really enjoy the comfort that came with the laying on of hands. People visiting me and asking me how I was feeling.  Knowing my family was doing everything they could to keep me together. Helping me with food, cleaning, Doctor appointments, and anything else I needed.  They were there fighting with me God or no God. 

Thankfully the white light at the end of the tunnel was just a tiny doctor flashlight.  I did not die of a brain tumor and after 7 months of doctors and drugs I'm back. 
   
I think there is nothing wrong with letting your family support you in their own way. However, it did open a door.  Yesterday some ass stole my guitar out of my car.  The guitar I have had since I was a teen.  My most sentimental possession. I called my Mother crying.  I was a mess.  Right there over the phone my mother insisted we pray that it is found.  She stared praying while I frantically ran around my apartment.  I was really annoyed. Like I was a 5 year old being told to say a prayer.   

Turns out the "ass" who stole my guitar found it outside a bar and figured out my name, and gave it to the bar manager who was holding it for me...soooo yeah.  I am the ass who forgot to put it in my car.  My boyfriend Alex was the one who recommend I retrace my steps and call the bar.  When I called my mom relived the Guitar had been found my mom said "Well it's a good thing we prayed". That annoyed me more.

 I said it was a good thing JJ told me to call. My mom and I went back and for trying to figure out who really found my guitar?  Was it me? Was it JJ?  Was it God? Deep in my heart I know who found it.  The credit goes to a mysterious man I have never seen before. He might have a beard, and might even ware sandals.  One thing I know for sure... he likes Christie's Bar and Grill.   

So hear is my question.  Can you allow yourself to get a blessing one day and then argue that God doesn't exist the next?  I don't regret letting my parents get me a blessing, but have I opened an annoying God door I can not close?  I know thinking you are going to die and losing a guitar has a slightly different elements of urgency.  How do you balance sticking to your beliefs against keeping the peace? 

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Perspective Illness


"I wish you would eat with your mouth closed.", Said Alex, "Its discussing."

My left eye was burning and dripping constant tears. My head had been pounding for over a month.  I was not enjoying this brunch, I was enduring it.  Why?  I only left the church a little over a year ago.   Alex and I had been seeing each other for almost a year.  Maybe that was long enough.  He was handsome and I did tell him I loved him but right now I love my spinach omelet more.  Alex dropped me off at my messy apartment.  Of course he had to comment on it.  Yes, my apartment is messy but I'm also in agonizing pain, not that you give a shit.

I closed the door and thanked Eloham he was gone.  I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Hey! I'm young,  I'm hot, besides my leaking eye, but that will heal.   It's time to end it with Alex.  Time to find a new exciting never Mormon adventure.  Time to unwrap a few more Penises!  Once I get these weird attacks under control I'll send him packing".   I had been dealing with these debilitating migraines for over a month.  They should get better soon, right?

I was thriving in my new reality.  I was killing it at my sales job as the top sales person.  I was losing weight.   I went from being a 27 year old Mormon spinster to a sexy young ex-mo temptress.  Being desired is not part of Mormonism.  Yet even with a boyfriend men were throwing themselves at me.  Well... more of an awkward drunken stumble, but I liked the attention! All my mormon life I was never what men wanted.  In the never-Mormon world I was the dream. I was naive and new.  Alex was starting to feel old.  Alex was not a bad guy.  He is the first guy I slept with who I liked.  It was settled.  As soon as I felt better Alex was history.

I did not get better.  I got much worse.  The subtle burning in my eye turned into a volcano of never ending pain flooding over my face.  As the doctor visits became more frequent Alex became more concerned.  One day I was at the doctors again.  He shot me up with the medicine that would give me a few hours of peace.  Only this time it was much stronger then I could handle.  The pain melted away but so did my ability to function.  Alex left work to come save me from my loopyness.

"It could be a brain tumor. I'm going to schedule an MRI." Said Doctor Killmenow.

There is nothing like facing your own death to really put a damper on the evening.  Alex put me to bed and started cleaning my apartment.  He made me some dinner.  Though eating was painful, I slowly chewed.  I worked so hard to be independent of my parents and the church and here I was curled up in Alexs arms.  Funny only a few weeks ago I was going to dump this guy.  Now it looks like he will be the one dumping me.  I wanted to save him the guilt of being the bad guy.

"Your really quiet. Say something.", Alex Said.

This was it.  Be nice and give him the out.

"Alex I know this has been a lot.  I want you to know that it's okay if you can't do this anymore.  I wont blame you if you want to go your own way."

There was a sharp pause.

"Don't even talk like that!"  He said.  Alex pulled me in tighter.  "Come on! Talk about something else.  You can chew with your mouth open,  just keep talking."

In all my years taking about the importance of marriage with church firesides, etiquette night, singles mixers, marriage prep and temple prep classes, I was not prepared for this.  This was love.  Not the flowers he got me on valentines, not the dinners he made me, or the orgasms he gave me.  This was something else and it had nothing to do with weather or not I had a temple recommend.