Sunday, January 20, 2019

Perspective Illness

Picking up from 2016

"I wish you would eat with your mouth closed.", Said Alex, "Its discussing."

My left eye was burning and dripping constant tears. My head had been pounding for over a month.  I was not enjoying this brunch, I was enduring it.  Why?  I only left the church a little over a year ago.   Alex and I had been seeing each other for almost a year.  Maybe that was long enough.  He was handsome and I did tell him I loved him but right now I love my spinach omelet more.  Alex dropped me off at my messy apartment.  Of course he had to comment on it.  Yes, my apartment is messy but I'm also in agonizing pain, not that you give a shit.

I closed the door and thanked Eloham he was gone.  I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Hey! I'm young,  I'm hot, besides my leaking eye, but that will heal.   It's time to end it with Alex.  Time to find a new exciting never Mormon adventure.  Time to unwrap a few more Penises!  Once I get these weird attacks under control I'll send him packing".   I had been dealing with these debilitating migraines for over a month.  They should get better soon, right?

I was thriving in my new reality.  I was killing it at my sales job as the top sales person.  I was losing weight.   I went from being a 27 year old Mormon spinster to a sexy young ex-mo temptress.  Being desired is not part of Mormonism.  Yet even with a boyfriend men were throwing themselves at me.  Well... more of an awkward drunken stumble, but I liked the attention! All my mormon life I was never what men wanted.  In the never-Mormon world I was the dream. I was naive and new.  Alex was starting to feel old.  Alex was not a bad guy.  He is the first guy I slept with who I liked.  It was settled.  As soon as I felt better Alex was history.

I did not get better.  I got much worse.  The subtle burning in my eye turned into a volcano of never ending pain flooding over my face.  As the doctor visits became more frequent Alex became more concerned.  One day I was at the doctors again.  He shot me up with the medicine that would give me a few hours of peace.  Only this time it was much stronger then I could handle.  The pain melted away but so did my ability to function.  Alex left work to come save me from my loopyness.

"It could be a brain tumor. I'm going to schedule an MRI." Said Doctor Killmenow.

There is nothing like facing your own death to really put a damper on the evening.  Alex put me to bed and started cleaning my apartment.  He made me some dinner.  Though eating was painful, I slowly chewed.  I worked so hard to be independent of my parents and the church and here I was curled up in Alexs arms.  Funny only a few weeks ago I was going to dump this guy.  Now it looks like he will be the one dumping me.  I wanted to save him the guilt of being the bad guy.

"Your really quiet. Say something.", Alex Said.

This was it.  Be nice and give him the out.

"Alex I know this has been a lot.  I want you to know that it's okay if you can't do this anymore.  I wont blame you if you want to go your own way."

There was a sharp pause.

"Don't even talk like that!"  He said.  Alex pulled me in tighter.  "Come on! Talk about something else.  You can chew with your mouth open,  just keep talking."

In all my years taking about the importance of marriage with church firesides, etiquette night, singles mixers, marriage prep and temple prep classes, I was not prepared for this.  This was love.  Not the flowers he got me on valentines, not the dinners he made me, or the orgasms he gave me.  This was something else and it had nothing to do with weather or not I had a temple recommend.

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