Friday, March 11, 2016

Blessing in Disguise

So hear is a question for you. What would you do if you got very ill...and not just a flu or an upset truly awful "do I need to make a will?" ill.  Your parents arrange for you to get a priesthood blessing.  What do you do?  

When my mother told me she had contacted some Mormons in my town to give a blessing there was a large part of me that wanted to say "No thanks.  I already rubbed a magic onion on my head."  But when the word tumor is floating around Doctors offices you tend to back off form biting remarks.  Did I believe that a priesthood blessing would stop whatever was happening in my head?  No, tho I really wished it would. I admit I  wanted to get back to God simply so I would not feel sick. I wished I had drowns of Mormons to come over and make me dinner, and talk to me, and tell me some dude in the sky was going to make everything okay.

I decided to let my parent arrange a blessing for me.  My sister came over with her husband and an old family friend.  It was really nice to see how much my family cared about me. I felt a little awkward participating in a blessing.  They asked me who I wanted to say the main blessing and I wanted to say "My Sister!"  How cool would that be for me to totally shake the establishment and have a woman give the main--Ouch oh i'm in pain!...  It's hard to be rebellious and desperate at the same time.  

I did really enjoy the comfort that came with the laying on of hands. People visiting me and asking me how I was feeling.  Knowing my family was doing everything they could to keep me together. Helping me with food, cleaning, Doctor appointments, and anything else I needed.  They were there fighting with me God or no God. 

Thankfully the white light at the end of the tunnel was just a tiny doctor flashlight.  I did not die of a brain tumor and after 7 months of doctors and drugs I'm back. 
I think there is nothing wrong with letting your family support you in their own way. However, it did open a door.  Yesterday some ass stole my guitar out of my car.  The guitar I have had since I was a teen.  My most sentimental possession. I called my Mother crying.  I was a mess.  Right there over the phone my mother insisted we pray that it is found.  She stared praying while I frantically ran around my apartment.  I was really annoyed. Like I was a 5 year old being told to say a prayer.   

Turns out the "ass" who stole my guitar found it outside a bar and figured out my name, and gave it to the bar manager who was holding it for me...soooo yeah.  I am the ass who forgot to put it in my car.  My boyfriend Alex was the one who recommend I retrace my steps and call the bar.  When I called my mom relived the Guitar had been found my mom said "Well it's a good thing we prayed". That annoyed me more.

 I said it was a good thing JJ told me to call. My mom and I went back and for trying to figure out who really found my guitar?  Was it me? Was it JJ?  Was it God? Deep in my heart I know who found it.  The credit goes to a mysterious man I have never seen before. He might have a beard, and might even ware sandals.  One thing I know for sure... he likes Christie's Bar and Grill.   

So hear is my question.  Can you allow yourself to get a blessing one day and then argue that God doesn't exist the next?  I don't regret letting my parents get me a blessing, but have I opened an annoying God door I can not close?  I know thinking you are going to die and losing a guitar has a slightly different elements of urgency.  How do you balance sticking to your beliefs against keeping the peace? 

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Back From the Dead

You may have noticed my blog has been silent for a while and you probably thought I was dead.  Well I very nearly was!  7 months ago I got a horrible Migraine that was unrelenting. It lasted a day... then a month...then five months.   The word Tumor was throw around by my doctors.  Every day of my life was agonizing pain.  I fell into a suicide depression. I almost lost my job and my life.   Luckily with the help of Web MD I was able to correctly diagnose myself with Cluster Headache also knows as "suicide Headaches".  Can you guess why?

Luckily the treatment is working.  My eye sight has returned and I am ready to take on life again.  Much like our fabled father I have raisin. So much has happens in the last 7 month. I will bring you back up too speed.

The most interesting development was that of a man I thought I hated...

Something happened and only one person would have the info I Mormon Ex-boyfriend.  A man who I have resented for about 3 years.  I have called him a lot of names on this blog but now I will call him Alec.  Alec was the guy I moved out to Utah for in a desperate attempt to find eternal bliss. Like many 26 year old single Mormons I sadly made my trek to the breeding ground.  If I didn't marry Alec I was going to find another Mormon to marry. I had too. My Mormon life depended on it.  

The thing I hated most about Alec was that he saw through my bull shit. He called me out for swearing.  He judged me for not serving a mission or wanting too.  When he dumped me he told me it was in part because he worried I might drink Alcohol someday.  I was not living up to the churches standard for me and deep down I liked it that way. 

When I unblocked Alec on Facebook I was expecting to see him in a white shirt and tie. I pictured him standing by his lovely Mormon wife holding their lovely new born baby. I imagined his page riddled with Elder Bednar quotes.  What I was not expecting to see was Alec wearing ladies makeup covered in rainbows with purple hair. Turns out my Mormon-Ex is now an Ex-Mormon.  All these years I resented Alec because he got to live the Mormon life. I loved being Mormon. The choice to leave I felt was forced on me. The "shit or get off the pot" mentality. Either get married and be Mormon, or question everything.

Reconnecting with Alec helped me let go of the jealously. The frustration that I could not blindly kneel at the alter and let the prophet tell me everything I need. Apparently Alec and I were both fighting the same fight.  Alec now live in Portland Oregon and is exploring who he is.  He luckily married a beautiful woman who saw through the bull shit and they left together. Alec is now one of my favorite people to talk to when the church pisses me off. He is a really great guy.  My anger toward the church was made into an Alec effigy burning with hatred. Sorry Alec, you were actually the perfect last Mormon boyfriend.