“are you okay? You sound bad.”
“yeah…. but I think… I… can’t stop shaking or crying cuz guess what?! I spun out on the highway again and almost crashed. Hahaha!”
“You what!? Are you in shock!”
“I’m coming right now!”
My sister and I always look out for each other. I had just experience the worst week of my life. I had gotten in a car wreck a week earlier. A bad one where I really could have been killed. The next night my “Good Mormon” boyfriend who after a 3 months of manipulation, mind games, got the balls(or barrowed them) to tell me the truth. He had asks me to move out to Utah from NYC. Then two days later I was fired from my sketching “Marketing Manager”, Job by a man who spent most of his time playing pin-pong with his Junk in his office.
A week later I was driving on the freeway. I was panicking. I was trying to find my friends Singles ward. I needed people. I needed the distraction. I needed to walk into a church and cry in the bathroom as was norm for me. Then I need to clean off the tears smile my ass off and make friends. Just fit in. It was hard because I was always acting at church. I was doing everything I was supposed too. It just felt wrong. Friends! You can’t make friends in the real world but you can make friends at church. I need to just distract myself from this nagging feeling. Something is wrong. Yeah, so what I didn’t feel anything in the temple. I’m just depressed. So what if I don’t understand the Book of Mormon. This is my life and I love it. I love being Mormon. I can be goofy. Board games, innocents, dances where people just dance for fun and not to get laid. Why do I have to live in UTAH? Well, I have to get married. I can’t get into heaven without it. Or I will have to share with like 10 other woman. I’m safe in a church. I can’t leave. I won’t survive out there alone. Even if it’s not true I must stay. I don’t understand non-Mormons. Where the hell is this God Damn Church building!?
I don’t know how it happened but the next moment I was spinning on the freeway. Around and around. As I spun my body relaxed. I instantly accepted my impending doom. It seemed like a good time to go. For the second time in a week the sting of burnt rubber filled my lungs. My car stopped an inch away from the cement bearer. I sat there and stared at the wall that was to save me from myself. I would have rather died in that moment then have faced life again under the pressures of a Mormon.