Monday, December 16, 2013

Lady Masturbatetor

Every woman who has left the church should buy herself a vibrator. Period.   I know it is fighting to walk into a Pornography Store but what is more frightening is how very little you know about your body.  It wasn’t until I was a Jr. in collage at BYU that I even knew what an orgasm was.   I had heard the term and loosely associated it with a man’s ding dong.  Then one night I was making out with my boyfriend and something happened.  All my clothes were on.  No inappropriate touching but he was kissing my ear.  My "EAR G-spot" I called it.  I later learned that you can’t just call any place you like being kissed a G-spot.  It’s a real spot downstairs. This feeling kept coming…up…and up…and up…and OH MY GOODNESS!
The next day I told my best friend Roberta what had happened.  Perplexed we decided to call my sister Jacky who was married and also left the church.  We explained what happened.  My sister almost blew the speaker out of my phone

“Are you telling me you do not know what an orgasm is?!” She bellowed.

“I know!” I said, “it’s when a guys penis gets hard…Wait do woman have orgasms? I thought you needed a penis? ”

“Oh my God!  Are you joking. Please tell me that my 24 yr old sis is joking…YES! Yes woman have orgasms! How do you not know this?  You need to masturbate!  Do you even know how to masturbate?  Okay watch some porn.  I’m sending you a link.”

Roberta and I laughed at how ridiculous Jacky sounded on the phone.  Telling us to masturbate and watch porn.  Oh crazy Hollywood Jacky!  

Fast forward three years, and one nervous breakdown, and I am Lobster faced giggling in a sex shop. I felt like Indiana Jones adventuring into cave of ancient artifacts.  You would not believe the strange objects they had in there.  Special pillows, jelly’s, and handcuffs.  They had strappy gizmos a plenty.  Naked pictures. Dildos, vibrates, and something called “anal beads”.  The odd thing to me was seeing cute little animals fastened to each vibrator.  They had butterflies, bunnies, and dolphins all ready and waiting to nibble at your G-spot.  I’m sorry, but I’m not sure putting a mangy rabbits on my clit is going to help me relax?!  I was laughing and hiding my face behind my hands.  Needless to say I left that store know less about sex then when I walked in. 

I bought one  6 dollar vibrator.  And, let me tell you, I got my money’s worth.   Over the next 4 months I went through 5 vibrators.  Some nights I just could not sleep until I got off.  One I had found  fully packaged in my mother’s room.  Someone at her work had given her a gag gift knowing she was a Mormon.  I stole it and burnt that sucker out in less than a month.  When it died I was so sad.  I went to look it up online for a replacement.  Turned out it was a 100 bucks!  No wonder it was such a good fuck!

  Okay Okay I’m not trying to be crass or gross you out.  My point is orgasms are fun, and an important part of growing up.  If you are like me and have decided not to wait till you say “I do”(…er I guess Mormons just say “Yes Joseph smith”)  you need to understand how your own body works.  Then you will know what to expect.  And ladies, level the playing field!  See men can jack off with their hands, but for us woman it is a little more complicated.  It took me a month WITH a vibrator to understand my body.  How to relax and where I liked it best.  Sometimes I felt like I was just mowing the lawn down there.  Knowledge is power, and boy does it feel good.  


  1. That's funny that you think only guys can jack off with their hands. When I was a young lad, I thought it was so unfair that GIRLS could masturbate with their hand, but that guys couldn't. And then I found out...

  2. Thanks for sharing! I remember I first had an orgasm while doing fully clothed activities with my mormon boyfriend, and it wasn't long after that until I figured how to please myself too. took me a while to get the hang of it, especially since I was convinced for the longest time that I was a horrible sinner for daring to explore my own body. life is much better now that I've left the church :)

  3. You spelled Masturbate wrong in the title.

    Sounds like your a master at it now though!

  4. What's your favorite one and where can you get them reasonably priced? I've known how to take care of business my whole life, but I think I'd like to move beyond the hand method.

    1. I think it's best to start with something smaller that vibrate on different levels. I have the butterfly. I like it.

    2. I think it's best to start with something smaller that vibrate on different levels. I have the butterfly. I like it.

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