Boobs

You know what I realized today?  I have really great Boobs. I do! I like to play with them.  Different shirts make um pop.  I don’t understand why woman feel violated when a man looks at their Boobs.  To any woman that feels that way I say spend a day at BYU Mormon University.  Men never looked at my Boobs out there.  I sort of forgot I had them.

When I was in high school I was in the pool with one of my best friends.  He and I were wrestling and he "accidentally" grabbed my Boob.  He did not let go right away.  Oh I felt so guilty!  I wondered if I needed to talk to my bishop.  I gave him a stern talking to about his getting fresh with me.  But secretly like it.  Probably why I felt so guilty.  That was the last time a man touch my Boobs. Now I would very much like a man to touch my Boobs.  They are very nice and I think we would both enjoy it. 

Right after I learned the truth of Joseph Smith I started spending time with a man.  My hands on Sex ED teacher.  It took about three sessions of making out before I let him see and touch my Boobs.  It was so fun.  I liked it.  I ended things with him after that.  He wanted to show me his penis and we all know what happens when I see a penis. (see: The “S” Talk)  It was just going too fast and I need time to heal…but I still like my Boobs.

To celebrate my Boobs losing their boobginity I went to Victory Secrets to buy two new bras.  I realized I will always get to ware fun underwear!   Mormons ware a T-Shirt and Bike Shorts under all their clothing to help them not have sex.  I get to ware sexy underwear and bounce around in it forever! I want to get fun colors and lacey and strappy and sexy. I want to wear them in front of a man.  Scandaliouse! It’s a whole new underwear world I live in!  

I just wish I could figure out a way to get a guy to play with my Boobs.  It is a real predicament.  I mean I can’t just walk up to some bloke on the street and say “Come on! Give um a squeeze won’t you?”  I could start by updating my wardrobe.  The other night I went to a bar alone(as usual) and I wore my slutiest outfit.  High heels, a swoop neck shirt, and a skirt that went above my knee.  I thought I was all set.  In-fact I worried I was giving of the wrong impression.  Gosh Damn It!  You should have seen these girls.  They knew how to treat there Boobs. They looked so good that I wanted to cup a feel.  They are all prancing around while I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘No. I’m not a flight attendant who just got off work.’  

So here I am.  26 with one fantastic rack and no one is shopping.  I don’t want a Boyfriend and I am certainly not ready to have sex.  I just want to enjoy the Boobalish-rights that have been denied of me all my life.  Is that too much to ask guys? I was unable to convince people I was not a flight attendant, or a school teacher, or a nun. I left the bar and walked around the city.  I poked my head into a few bars just to watch the people in their natural habitat.  At 12:01 I decided to stop in a bar and order one shot. 

“Hey honey where is your Boyfriend?,” said a greasy inebriate

“Oh ha…don’t have one” I said

“Where your girlfriends?”, Said greasy

“I’m just out by myself tonight. Thought I stop in a get a shot because it’s my birthday!” I said proudly

“You’re by yourself on your birthday?” Said Greasy

“Yeah… It’s okay. See I got a shot to celebrate. My girlfriends and I used to do shots to celebrate but we would use orange juice. They don’t drink… I don’t see them much anymore.”

I suddenly awoke to my sad situation and left.  It is strange leaving Mormonism.  I often wonder if I will be able too. I certainly can’t imagine going back and singing Praise to the Man.  It takes real courage to walk away.  There is so much pain when you discover the truth.  To stay happy you must focuses on the little things… or in my case the two big things.