Saturday, June 1, 2013

Arrested Development

Remember when you were about 15 years old?  You started to wonder about life. What was right, or what was cool? You started making friends and developing your own perceptions of the world.  Maybe you drank beer for the first time.  Maybe you had sex.  Maybe you wore a strapless dress.  Or maybe you even read books about whatever you wanted.   If you don’t remember this, then you might have been raised a Mormon.  Growing up everything was planned for me.   No need to wonder about life; Church was life. What's cool? Doing your calling. What was right and wrong? Church was right. Not church = wrong.   Friends? At Church.  Your perception of the world? Do what Joseph Smith did, think as Joseph Smith thought. Beer? NO! Sex? no No NO!  For many, the church is a great way to extend your confused teenage years out into your late 20’s.

“I’ve made a huge mistake.”- Gob Bluth
I’m now realizing that I never went through that stage in life where you find yourself.   I was always too busy trying to fit into the church.  Most people slowly welcome in the world. They meet many different type of people.  They try different things.  Find out what ideas they like and don’t like. I find myself a 26-year-old woman with the  self-knowledge of a 12-year-old tweenager. I’m starting over.  Reinventing myself. I’m terrified.

Even little things like a drink stress me out.  I tried buying a beer tonight but the choices are overwhelming.  When I did finally pick one I based my choice on the one with the best logo.  I felt like such a bad-ass walking out of the store with six beers in a little box thing. When I tried to open it I did not have a bottle opener (of course) so I smashed the cap on the counter.  Then when I did get the lid off off it spilled all over.   All these bubbles.  Thick and foamy.  That's when I figured out I could have just screwed off the lid. Careful,  if I drink too much I don’t know what will happen.  

 There are little surprises along the way tho.  For instance: all my life I have been told how guilty I will feel if I break the law of chastity.  How awful the guilt will be because I’m doing something “wrong.”  After all my fun little make-outs with Mr. Mean I was expecting guilt to hit me like a mallet.  I did touch his penis and he touched me everywhere.  That guilt never came. I kept waiting but I never felt  ashamed even. Nothing.  It just feels natural to me. I have a Mormon friend who “messes up” with guys and constantly feels guilty.  I commented to one of my post-Mormon friends on-line about this.  She reminded me that the guilt comes from her belief structure.  I feel no guilt because I know I did not do anything wrong.  I know where and why these rules are put in place.  I recognize that they have little to do with God and more to do with creating sexual frustration to intice Mormons to get married young. Okay..okay... the church also recognizing sex it powerful and It is a good rule in life not to sleep around.  Sex is not something to mess around with.  If two people care about each other and want to have sex, who are they hurting?  I am glad I did not have sex with him- but that's only because  he was an ass. 


  1. You know when you find someone who is soooo much like you, and you want to befriend them because why not?! ... but can't just come out and say, "hey be my friend..." lol I love your blog. And maybe someday... we'll have a cup of coffee together haha! - xo, 25 year old female, Utah, exmo, TBM family.

  2. hey why the hell not! E-mail me. I love getting to know new people.