Saturday, August 17, 2013

The Douchebag Hunter

Ga Dae Ladies!  Welcome ta the first installment of The Douchebag Hunter.  Now the douchebag is a frisky creature. He comes in all shapes and sizes.  It is important for any woman who has newly discovered her sexuality to understand the douchebag.  The douchebag can be found of course in his natural habitat the gym or the club.  But do not feel a false sense of security because you are riding the #12 bus.  He could very well be at church, a Lumineers concert, Wal-mart, even standing behind you….Boo!  Ha ha. Only jokeing! It’s just me! You friendly Douchebag Hunter. Let’s get started!

Today we will be focusing on the very common douchebag scenario. The booty call.  I will attempt to wart off the textual advances of a certain douchebag I kissed and promptly dropped.(See: Sleeping with the Enemy) I must remind you ladies I am a professional.  I have encountered every kind of douchebag you can imagine.  For your own safety please DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.  I’m going to enter into a rather dangerous conversation with a skilled douchebag in order to understand him better and there for defend against him.  You MUST penetrate his psyche before he penetrates you.

The booty texts always starts friendly but unexpectedly.  A truly skilled douchebag will fain interest in you.  Though he will be quick to innuendo. Now as an Ex-mormon I expect this innuendo will go over your head. Don’t worry he will be sure you caught it.

Douchebag: I’m jealous.  I love odder pops. I can defiantly see you putting your mouth all over that.

Myself: I like the orange ones the best.

Douchebag: Yeah the blue ones make such a sickly mess all over your face.

Myself: No blue is good too.  They are just as sticky as orange. How are you?

Douchebag: I always enjoy making sicky messes.

Myself: Not me. My niece is so cute.  Guess what she just did?

Douchebag: I want to cum on your face.

And We’re Off!  The douchebag has made his first move.  Now watch as I bait this douchebag.  I like to use the “I’m a naïve virgin technique”. Just watch…

Myself: Ah what a mess I am. Ex-Mormon girls can't have sex. They don't know how. Ha ha

Douchebag:  If you want to fool around again I would be game...

Myself:  hmmmmm... I’m not sure that’s a good idea.

Douchebag: So you'll think about it? Like in the ten minutes I could be driving over there?

Myself: Oh gosh. You know how weird I am about this. I haven't gotten much better.
You will just get annoyed with my silliness and leave all pisst off again.

Douchbag: Hey, I'm willing to get over it, and if it get too much I'll just say I'm leaving and we'll call it a night

Ladies I want you to notice his phrasing here… “I'm willing to get over it.” Let’s continue. Shhhhh…

Myself: I don't see why you would want to come over just to watch me hide under blankets again :p

Douchebag: I could get under the blankets with you?

Myself:  I already know what will happen. You will come over. We make out. You play with me. Then I run in the bathroom like a tweenager and you never get off. I’m a horrible hook up.

Douchebag: I don't care, I would settle for some make out right now, but if you want to come out of the bathroom we can do more. You're never going to get over it unless you work on it. You're just lucky that I'm willing to work on it with you.

Ding Ding Ding!  Did you see that ladies. If you missed it go back and read it again.  See, the skilled douchebag will not come right out and say “Hi! I’m a Douchbag”.  On the contrary, he will be very nice until he fears he will not get what he wants.  You will only see a sliver of his true color.  The trick is NOT to ignore it. Also it is good to take note that the douchebag never said he was concerned with my feelings.  He said if it got weird he would just leave. Now this is where things get fun.  Watch as the Douchbag correct his obvious blunder.

Myself: Wow.

Douchbag: (long pause) I'm kidding, you realize that, right? I'm not that much of a condescending dick.

Myself: you know I’m a cool person. I'm not desperate. If I fool around with a guy it's going to be because I want too. I don’t need you to teach me because there are plenty of nice guys who will enjoy watching me run into the bathroom.

Douchbag: I enjoy fooling around with you, and I just would like to f*ck you proper.  Did you read the part that I said I was kidding?

Myself: I read it after you realized you put you dick in your mouth.

 Like any snake you pick up, make sure you know exactly what he is and don’t let him bite you.  I don’t recommend inviting the douchbag over.  As you are newly leaving the fold I must warn you, the stakes have been raised in the douchbag department. Sex is not making out.  Provoites like to tell themselves it is about the same but that is simply not true.  I should not even have engaged in conversation with this man. Men you must know that many women can be douchbags as well. There is no need to settle for a douchebooty. Thanks for joining me taday, and remember it doesn’t take a sexually active person to spot a Dick!


  1. Well done, Emma, very well done. Were I you, I'd keep those text messages. May come in handy some day.

    Watch out for those douchebags!