The Last Unicorn

As I have mentioned before on-line dating is my only window to the outside world.  I make a bet with myself on every date.  How long can I go without mentioning that I was raised Mormon?  My record right now is seven minutes.   One night I sat down to dinner with Mr. Talldarkanhandsome.   In my head I’m thinking “don’t mention the church. Don’t mention the church....” Conversation is going well. Although I was constantly stepping over landmines.

“can I get you a drink?” Says  Mr. Talldarkanhandsome

“Water,” I say instinctively.

“oh?…okay…So tell me something about yourself?” He says

Mind draws a blank.  Don’t mention Church. “I like theater,” I spit out

“Oh yeah my buddy and his wife went down to see that Book of Mormon Musical. You seen it?”

“Nope.” I say.  Must change subject.  “So what do you like to do for fun?”

“Well my buddies and I like to play poker every Sunday night.  Maybe one of these nights you should play a hand?” He says

Wrong way! “I never played.” I say

“What! Really?  Oh I bet you have a good poker face?”

“oh. ha ha ha…” Awkward Silence…  Don’t mention the church.

“You said your little sister is getting married.  That nice. How old is she?”

“20. 20 years old.” I say coldly. Don’t mention Temple

“Wow that is young!  Your parents okay with that?” He says.  I just take a drink. “I saw you have a Utah area Code?” He says

“Yup.” More Silence

“Cool. Did you go to school out there?”

“Yes.  Where did you go to school?” I say deflecting back.

“Well I grew up going to catholic school.  I tell you what.  If you want to turn a kid off religion just make him go to church 3 times a week. Ha ha”

Damn! I was doing so well.   Slamming my hand on the table “oh yeah! Try 6 days!  Every Morning I had to wake up at 5 am.  I drove my ass down to church so I could get in to Brigham Young University.  I mean the education is good but you have to take all these religion classes.”  The flood gates are open now, “If I didn’t get into BYU, I mean, Game Over!  Can you imagine trying to be a Mormon at any other school.  And you get graded on how much you believe there is a magical man in the sky.  I mean, I don’t know if there is a God but if there is I doubt he has a secret handshake to get you into heaven!” 

  There is a tiny pause as I catch my breath.  Mr. Talldarkanhandsome blinks

“So...  Do you like sports?”

You know how dating on-line has a reputation for Crazyies.  Well I am starting to realize I am one of those Crazyies. People never really understand why leaving the church is such a big deal.  They do like to ask questions.  One is absolutely unavoidable.

“Hold on. Hold on.  Have you ever had sex?”

Their jaws drop to the floor and the questions never end. “You have never even taken off your shirt?  Have you ever seen a naked man?  You don’t know how to masturbate?” At this point they are usually sitting back in their seat, huge eyes just frozen to your face.  They are looking at a unicorn.  A 26 year old virgin mythical creature.  “Wait wait…have you ever even had an orgasm? ”

 For some reason these men are very egger to help you with your orgasm dilemma.

“I can teach you.  I mean, if you want we could…you know… ,“they say.

 I like to toy with them, “Oh gosh. I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

“No really! It is not a problem!”

“Are you sure….well…No that’s just weird.”

“It’s not weird!   I do it all the time. Well not all the time… I mean, can I get you another drink?”

I never realized how easily never-mormon men are aroused.  One time I said something to a guy about how I straddled a motorcycle and he practically passed out.  Mormon men seemed asexual.  They hide their Lobito’s under a confused suffocating blanket. I guess they are afraid of being seen as a pervert.  Honestly, I like feeling that men are attracted to me sexually.   I only understand Sex it in theory.   But I’m Glad I don’t have to lose my virginity all in one night.  I can ease into it. ;)