Thursday, April 4, 2013

Start Here

 I’ve been a “good Mormon” all my life.   I have honestly held a temple re
commend for the majority of my life. Everyone of my friends is Mormon so no temptation’s to do what I was not supposed to do.  I attended BYU the “Mormon meet up and Marry” school.  I never drank alcohol or coffee. Never smoked a thing.  Never.  I’ve never look at anything pornographic, never masturbated(not sure I even know how too), never taken my cloth off when I was kissing a guy.  Never dated a guy who was not Mormon.  Never dated a guy who did not serve a mission. Never let a guy touch my anywhere private (bathing suit area), I have never even seen a Man’s Wing-wong. (not even a good hard look at a photo) Never read Ant-Mormon literature.  Never Never Never.  

You see when you lived your whole life this way you are rather disarmed to the world.  “Live in the world but not of the world.” I've only seen the world from behind glass. You can’t leave, or you try to leave and it over whelms you and you come back.  It wasn't until about 1 month ago that something clicked in me.  I experience something that lead me to wonder Why...?   I finally, after 26 years, did my homework about the church.  

This blog starts here and moves up.  The next post can be found on the side bar.  It is called "my First Attempt at Alcoholism". It is under the month of April.  


  1. What started this new path for me came when I received a book from my missionary trainer, titled, "an insiders view on mormon origins." My trainer and I had reconnected on FB and he said he had a book I should read that would bring me closer to true internal integrity than I could imagine. So he sent me a copy and committed me to read it all the way through. I did. Wam, sledge hammer.

  2. Hang on was he trying to get you to leave? If so Barvo! It's hard to crack the Mormon programming. I don't have a problem with people who stay in if they know the truth. For me it was the feeling of being lied too that sent me over the edge. If I knew then what I know now

  3. I just stumbled across your blog. I don't know how much you want/appreciate feedback from total strangers (though I lived in Utah for years and went to BYU, so maybe I DO know you...who knows?), but I am very glad that you have made this blog.

    Some quick background: I am Mormon but not from Utah. From the outside, I probably appear pretty stereotypical Mormon; I served a mission, married in temple, have two kids, etc. And I do have a deep belief in the Mormon faith (I have a strong testimony). However, I also recognize some major flaws in the culture of the Mormon church. These flaws are strongest in Utah, but they are present everywhere.

    I have had the opportunity to hear from many people who seem like you in that they grew up with Mormonism, but never felt it was true. The biggest heartbreak for me is that these people do not have anyone to talk to. I hate that people make you believe that "Good Mormons" all think/feel the same way. They do not. It is okay to doubt. It is okay to not believe. Most importantly, dishonesty is NOT an effective tool for seeking truth (over-sheltering is a form of dishonesty, but so is just faking it).

    I admittedly do believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet of Jesus Christ, and I believe that everyone in the world can find the most happiness with the Gospel of Jesus Christ and LDS ordinances. But I also recognize that a majority of people in the church are the type of person that do not need to question things to believe, and when someone comes along that does need to question everything (which is awesome!) it breaks my heart that they feel like they don't belong.

    The problem is that people think it has to be one way or the other: 1) it is true and I know it, or 2) it is all a big hoax and you're better for getting out. I do not believe this is true. I hope that your blog inspires dialogue. I hope that people who grow up in the church but do not believe it are able to feel loved and accepted enough by someone/anyone to talk about their doubts.

  4. Fantastic! I'm Thrilled you found my blog. I often wonder what a Mormon who do if/when they found it. I wish more Mormons would read it so they could understand why people leave. I try not to hammer on the negative history so that Mormons can enjoy it.

    as you know it is slightly insulting to post-mos when people asume you were "offend" so you left. For me leaving had been hard. My personal belief structure can not support the church I am very happy that you have found happiness with the LDS church. I have been struggling with my feelings with the church. Like you said there is a feeling of betrayal that comes when you discover the hidden stories of Joseph Smith.

    For me I can never believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet. I always had problems with the culture of Mormonism but I never let it bother me. I love the community and the people. I was rather successful at BYU as a comedian and my humor was based off my love for the Mormon culture(and poking a bit of fun) Once I finally got the courage to study Mormonism outside the church perspective I was shock at the…stuff I found. I try very very hard not to make this blog a religious debate but more a celebration of finding yourself.

    When I think of Mormonism now I focus on currant day. What is the church doing now to make this world a better place? I have seen many friends lives changed for the better thanks to the church. Friends dealing with a death in the family, Hardship, illness. I have also seen many people whose life struggles because of their convictions to the church. Divorce, shunning,money problems, unmarried people who are waiting for the afterlife to find love.

    I disagree that everyone could be most happy as a practicing Mormon. But I think anyone can benefit from the wonderful community of the church as long as they remember who they are and what they believe.

    Thank you for finding me. I LOVE feed back

  5. I just found your blog a few minutes ago. I think I'm going to read the whole thing. I can't say when I left was a long process. It's been about 8 years though, and for me it's still hard. I never felt like I belonged in the church, and I don't feel like I fit outside the church either. I moved to NYC to figure out what the rest of the world is like, and after 5 years I came back to try and switch careers. I won't bore you with the whole story, but I feel a strong affinity for your story. I understand and sympathize.

  6. I just found your blog. So far I love reading your thoughts. I too have recently learned about some of the true history of the Church. Some of it is very perplexing in it of itself and some it I think 'Why is it that I was almost 30 before I learned that Joseph Smith used a rock and a hat to translate the Book of Mormon? Why is it that after a life-time of activity, taking many religion classes, reading the BoM over 40 times and diligently reading the Ensign for my adult life, no one felt a need to tell me the truth about how the keystone of our religion came into existence? Why is South Park more historically accurate than what I have been taught in church?' I definitely hear you about the discomfort of being lied to (and having having an illogical brother who gets upset when you dare to ask questions about the Church) Best of luck to you!