Sunday, January 26, 2014

Drive In

I got in my car after a night and day of doing “it” for the first time.  I let out a loud sigh leaned back in my seat and mentally gave myself a Top Gun High Five.  I blasted my radio singing, smiling all the way home.  It felt so good to take that step.  And it was even more rewarding to join the “I had Sex” club. I learned so much.  Sex is not like they show in the movies.  It’s not all slow-motion and dark, and mystical with an orchestra playing in the background.  A lot of it is just back and forth repetition.  Also I understand why there is so much pressure on men to perform.  Dahan was a stallion.  We played the Hokey Pokey for over an hour and I liked it.  We talked dirty to each other, and he showed me many fun positions.  It was all in good fun. 

“Now,” I thought “Who should I call to tell first?” slowly the smirk fell from my face.  All of my girlfriends are Mormon.  I’ll bet girls in high school who lose their virginity have friends they could brag to.  I bet they geeked out and celebrate the occasion.  But I had no girlfriends.  I tried but I was living at home still.  I’m not sure it would be totally appropriate for me to try and befriend my local tweens to talk about Sex.  I could feel that dark Mormon cloud creeping up on me again. The one that says, “Here is another thing we have stolen from you. Just like your sister’s wedding.”(see: Off White Wedding)  NO!  I thought and I started to drive faster.  I refused to be sad about this.  I will geek out about sex! 

After all that “doing it” I found myself craving some Arbys. It was late at night an no one was in line. As I was pulling through the drive thru I had a thought.  I’m going to tell the lady at the window that I lost my virginity.

Wanda opened her window.  “Hi, how we doin' tonight?” She said with the enthusiasm of a dying sloth.

“Great!”, I said, “Lost my virginity tonight!” Wanda gave an awkward smile, took my money and closed the window.  “Damn” I thought, “I just made an Ass of myself in front of Wanda at Arbys.”  The window opened again and Wanda’s floppy arm haphazardly delivered my roast beef.  She stopped for a moment looked around.  Then out of nowhere…
“I lost mine on my weddin’ night!  My husbands a Mexican and, let me tell ya girl he ain’t lazy!”  I busted up laughing.  Wanda and I gushed over our sexual misconceptions.  She told me all about her husband and I told her about the church and how big of a step this was.  “Well congrats girl!"  she said.  Honestly that was all I wanted to hear.

It felt so good to connect to people in this way!  The next day I decided to try two for two.  The lady at the bank was also very excited for me…and wondering if I had my account number.  I was glad I got to have my Sex and The City gush.  Even if it was with complete strangers.   I think it is important to celebrate great accomplishments and getting over my fear was huge. 

I had to call Roberta.  She is trapped in the church emotionally but she is still my best friend.  Her reaction was what I expected.  Faint excitement but mostly concern. “Well I’m glad you are happy.” She said.  I mostly called her to warn her.  Sex really is not a big deal.  Not a reason to get married.  Not the end of the world.  It’s an action.  I remember when people would say this to me back in my virgin days.  I never believed them, and sort of resented them.   I’ve come a long way from that small tortured girl.  I’ve had sex and it was wonderful.   So ladies when you finally decided to challenge the church and activate your sexuality. The next day when you are on your Stride of Pride(AKA Walk of Shame) knowing you have no one to brag to, remember ….I’m thinking Arbys.


  1. Here you go, celebrate with Andy Samberg

  2. You are my spirit animal! I love your blog. You go girlfriend!!

  3. NV Freedom, thanks! That is awesome! lol Sometimes I feel like mormonism has screwed up my ability to relate to people because i still can't figure out what "normal" people talk about and what they don't. I have spent my whole life feeling like I had to hide - no, SUPPRESS my attitudes about many things because they were bad. And there are a lot of religious people in the world besides Mormons who have very conservative views about all kinds of things so finding people who see the world similarly can be a bit of a challenge. I guess the moral is that maybe I should start with fast food workers? Or that I should just have the courage to be real with people and the ones that are "live and let live" will relate and the others... meh.