Monday, October 21, 2013

Cosmo Girl

Her dark smoky eyes always find mine.  Her hair is being blown back she gives me the “come hither.”  Whether it’s a Walgreens, Wal-mart or even a 7 Eleven she is waiting for me, tempting me with her mysteries untold. In big, block, pink letters the words Cosmopolitan are scrolled across the cover. 

I’ll admit it.  I want to know her “25 secret sex tricks to make him sweat.”  I don’t plan to use them tonight, I’m just curious.  I used to look at this magazine and think “some day before I get married I will buy one.”   Oh God!  What a disaster that would have been if my entire sex education came from one issue that read “S&M, make him want it!” A month ago I thought S&M was a knock-off hard candy.

Luckily I don’t need to make that embarrassing purchase yet.  I met a girl named Jen who is really nice and fun.  I had been trying desperately to make friends with a non-Mormon girl with absolutely no luck. (see: Pick up chick)  I wasn’t really trying to befriend Jen.  It just happened one night when I planned what she thought was a casual girl’s night. Ha ha!  She didn’t realize it but she was walking into a trap!

I bombarded her with questions.  She didn’t realize she would be giving a lecture on adult sexual relationships but was a fantastic sport about it.   I asked, “What can you do with a penis to make it happy?” She demonstrated, quite emphatically, on a bottle of mustard.  I asked about vibrators, I asked her about how sex works in a relationship. I could tell she was enjoying my naivety on the subject. Not just sex but dating and relationships, expectations and break-ups, moving in with a guy as opposed to just dating. I asked about things that no magazine can really give you an honest perspective on. 

 I asked about bedroom topics - including what to do about the cobwebs in the basement. “Of  course!” I exclaimed, “an electric Razor! Why didn’t I think of that? Have you ever tried using a Bic down there?  It’s like hacking your way through the Amazon jungle!”

Jen was trying to explain something about Vaginas but I had NO IDEA what she was talking about. It was like she was speaking chinese.  As she was explaining shaving your little lady I realized something…well awful…I had never really looked at my own. It has literally been feet away from my face my entire life and I had never seen it.  Rob and Seth had seen it before I had.  Why hadn’t I looked at it before?  Let me say that this is not a Mormon girl thing…well at least I hope it is not.  I hope I am the ONLY 27 year old who has never inspected her own grand canyon.

I noticed something rather beautiful.   Though we grew up in different environments we both were looking for the same thing.   Someone to connect with.  We both had experience love and heart break.  We both have the same dream and fear of love.  We both struggled with finding and keeping true to yourself.   Sex is, from what I have surmised, an extension of emotion.  Not always love but, depending on the person, it can mean something.  That has been my biggest fear.  I don’t want to sleep with a guy and then find myself following him around like a sheep dog.  But I also don’t want to sleep with a guy and then when he asks to see me again I ask “Why?”

Looking back on this data I thought of the three men whose company I had enjoyed beyond the “Strength of Youth” Packet.  Of the three men, two were very easily dismissed from my life.  Rob and Rodrigo were nice, but what we had done didn’t mean anything.  Seth however…hmmm.  He is Ex-mormon.  That did mean something.  I liked when Seth held me.  There was comfort there. Seth and I are not exactly compatible but he understand stood better than anyone what I’m going through.   I wish there were more Post-mo boys out here. But then I remember that I did not leave the Mormon faith to join an even smaller sub-culture of relationships. 

Jen continues to be a very valuable resource as well as a friend.  After my *ha ha* road trip with Rodrigo I called her the next day to make sure I was not a bad person. 

“Do you think Jake will be mad at me?” I said

“Why would he be mad at you?” said Jen

“I mean Rodrigo was his friend and I made out with him!” I exclaimed

“Right. It’s okay. He won’t be mad,” she said

“but…um…did I tell you that…we were naked.” I confessed

Thunderous laughter echoed from the other line, “If anything, Jake would be egging you on. He would be rooting for you to go for it. It’s called getting lucky.” She said.

“Oh. Okay but I feel like I should tell you-“

“Whoa!  Honestly you don’t have to confess anything.  You’re fine.” She interrupted

“Oh. Okay.  Cool. Well I got to go.  I have to date a lawyer from the Bahamas!”

Jen is one awesome lady.  Every lady who leaves the church needs to get her one of her!  


  1. I love reading your blog. I am also a newly ex-mormon 26 yr old female! What do you think has helped you the most as you were leaving mormonism? Since college, I have mainly made friends through church, and now that the social outlet is gone, I am trying to find other things to do. What do you recommend? I tried online dating: hated it! Also, I went to a UU church one time, which was okay I guess, but I am still not interested in ANY religion. I am singing with a Presbyterian choir some because I like singing and its low commitment, but it is mostly old people! Also I am in grad school, so I meet a few people there. How do people like us meet more people like us? I wanna date non-mormons and make more non-mormon friends!


  2. Well Jen these questions have been running through my mind ever since I left the church. But I do feel I have made a lot of head way. I want to address all of your questions. So my next blog post will be directed to you and others like you who are struggling with this same question. It’s about more than just fitting in. It’s also about finding way to feel like you fit in.

  3. Thanks! Love it! I don't particularly like the bar scene; its okay, so I want to branch out in different ways.