Pink Pedestal

It all started when I punched Seth in the arm and called him my friend. This shouldn’t be a big deal.  He is my friend but I also think he is way hot.  As I was talking to him I became aware of the Berlin Friendship Wall I was erecting. I try to appear unattractive to him and point out all the reasons I should not like him to myself.  This wall is one of many invisible barriers I put between myself and potential relationships. I started seeing a therapist to help me deal with the church.  She has been pushing me to talk about my last relationship with a man named Pillsbury(see:  Princess and the Penis).  I’m learning it was not the end of that relationship that was tormenting me.  It is the beginning. 

His name was David.  We spent everyday together skipping down the silver streets of New York.  We had what is known as a connection. Connection.  A while ago Seth reintroduced me to this term. (see: Great Sexpectations) This word has been ringing in my ear ever since.   I have used it many times before but only now am I starting to understand. See, Pillsbury and I had a relationship.  David and I had a connection. Cue massive regrets.

How many times did I punch David in the arm and call him friend?  How many times did I convince myself to just be friends with this dashingly handsome man.  I loved him.  I have never met a man I cared for them the way I cared for David.  I thought about him all the time.  Everyone in the ward thought we were dating.  We might as well have been.  We were inseparable...well except for my wall.  I told him all about my Skype relationship with Pillsbury.   David soon became angry every time I brought up Pillsbury.  So I stopped talking to him about it.  He did everything he could to show me he liked me.  Just shy of tying me down and screaming "I like you!" What happened you ask?  Nothing. Every hint he dropped, I gave him the old "We are such good friends".  I liked him so instead of playing dumb why I didn’t just say something.  When I told him Pillsbury was flying out to see me he was irrational.  His face dropped and he ignored me.

"Come on." I said with an innocent smile "arnt you going to check him out for me and make sure he is good enough?"

He just looked away, "I’m really busy that week" he said...I never said what week he was coming...and David was unemployed. 

The whole thing blew up in my big play dumb face. I was insensitive and afraid. I blew off one of the most meaningful relationships I ever had so I wouldn't risk losing it. I was afraid to be loved.  And I have done this countless times.  I saw David a few weeks ago.  My wall was still up, still in denial. But as we were surfing on carts through the wal-mart parking lot my feelings for him began to surface again. I thought to myself “He is truly an amazing man. I would go back to church if I could find a man like him.”  I snuffed those thoughts out but thanks to my therapist I must face the truth.
  
By trying to protect myself from being vulnerable I have ended up wondering “what if?” Pillsbury was easy to date.  I was not attracted to him so I thought he couldn’t hurt me(wrong!) We was the model Mormon man. He pursued me the way I expected to be pursued. He put me on a lovely pedestal.  Many of the Mormon boys I have dated have done this.  But I don’t want the pedestal.  I want to be an equal. I remember being told so many times by boys at BYU how unattractive a woman is, who pursues a man.  They want to win you with gifts and acts of valor.  Who doesn't want that?  It sounds fun but to truly play this game you might as well be an apple on a tree waiting to be picked. 

The churches expectation invites sexisum. A single mormon man is at fault for being alone but a woman.  We are told it is not our fault our husband must be in heaven.  I want to be down on earth with my unemployed lover running through central park. I want to take responsibility for my relationships. I want to accept that I have a choice on who and how I love.  Who know what would have happened if I allowed myself to open up to David. Maybe nothing would have changed.  I have been replaying the events over and over in my head but about a year too late. 

I’m coming off my pedestal.  I don’t want to be spoiled anymore.  I want to find a connection.  The stigma of a "DTR"(mormon term for Define The Relationship) is so negative.  I did everything I could to avoid it.  Like many Mormon men and woman who suffered years of reinforce stereotypes I became silent to my own thoughts. As I move forward in my personal relationship I will remember David. I would be fine dating a guy who’s only gift to me was his heart.