Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Best Worst Year

One year ago this weekend my life changed forever.  A break up, a car wreck and a complete mental break down.  This course of events set the stage for the Best Worst Year of My Life.  I believe in life we are allotted a certain number of days where we are allowed to be fantastically miserable.  I used all of them this past year.  I have decided to honor these last 365 days by taking a good hard look into the past. 

Leaving the church is knocking over the first Domino.  I can’t believe how many of my old beliefs are falling to the ground.  I’m a better, happier person. The weight of the church is still heavy on me. Yesterday I spent 8 hours building an online Domino Effect Mind Map.  I have decided to share it with you.    The center is the first Domino.  The red words were my old beliefs and under them are my new beliefs.  I used prezi which is a free Power Point. 

(I can send you the prezi if you would like. Just E-mail me and put in the subject line PREZI)

 This exercise was very helpful and painful.  You may notice that Dating, Sex, Relationships have a large presents in my brain.  Under Goals, Dreams, and Expectation’s... I’m drawing major blanks.  I was not always boy crazy and insecure.   It snuck up on me.  I had a love hate relationship with BYU.  I loved how I was the edgy different girl who spoke her mind. However, it made me sad how often I was judged for it.  I became submissive.  Something happened to me in NYC.  My super Mormon roomies rubbed off on me.  My molly Mormon admirer gave me an offer I felt I was too old to refuse (I was 26)

After making this graph I have realized that I have let dating distract me from my real problems.  I’m not great at being vulnerable.  I have completely lost touch with the career driven, NYC bitch I wanted to be.  I think the biggest thing I learned is I don’t love myself.  This makes me sad… why would I want some guy to love me, if I don’t love me.   I have decided to put a halt on my cereal dating.  It feels unnatural saying No.  At BYU I was so different I had to trick boys into asking me out.  A weird combination of desperate and hard to get.  Non-mo boys don’t size up my testimony.  It’s nice.  I was supposed to go out with Vick this week.  A super accomplish Engineer with all sorts of dreams and goals.  I don’t want to live vicariously through his mater program and his horseback riding.  I need to revisit my dreams.  Maybe make a few adjustments to my pen-house in New York.  

We the questioning brothers and sisters have an extraordinary journey.  Enjoy this unique experience tho it will get the better of you at times.   Leaving the church is a huge accomplishment. Take this Gold Star!  None of your friends are likely to throw you a party.  Just remind yourself that you were brave enough to say “I don’t think the earth is flat”.   I recommend seeing a therapist.   If that is not an option for you feel free to barrow my Mind Map.  It helps you pinpoint where your schemas and automatic thoughts are coming from.
 I know this world is true. 
There are people who will love you for you. 

But if you don’t love you then it won’t matter…boohoo.


  1. Let me start off by saying that I love your blog and hearing about your experiences with leaving the church. It's interesting reading about the experiences of woman in my age group leaving the church, much like I did. I had no idea how differently women are taught in church than men.

    But I have to say, your spelling and grammar is atrocious and at times forces me to re-read a paragraph 3-4 times before I can comprehend what you're trying to say.

  2. I agree. But I have no one to spell check as it's anonymous. I'm more of a story teller in person.

  3. Hey but thanks for reading! I'll try and do a few more look backs my fellow runaway!

  4. Wow! Better atrocious spelling/grammar than bad manners...

    1. I don't think that constructive criticism equates to bad manners.

    2. Hey it's all good. I'm really glad so many people are reading despite my creative grammar. I'm a story teller and i want people to know they are not alone. thanks to this post a super fan has offered to read my work before I post it!

  5. I always like typing things up in Word, which has a spell/grammar check and then pasting them into Blogger.

    But anyway I love hearing your story because it helps me realize I'm not the only one going through this. Being raised in the church we somehow end up associating our self worth with our "temple worthiness," when that's simply not the case. We all have intrinsic value, and the road to realizing it is tough.