XXX-Mass

It's that time of year again.  Christmas trees all lit up,  family togetherness and a little time off work!  That is what Christmas means to me anyway.  Of course that is not always how I felt.   I forgot about the whole celebrating of the virgin who gave birth to the son of God thing.  I find it funny how many Christians have selfishly decided that only christian have the right to enjoy this holiday.  That it's wrong for people to focus on the joy they get from giving and receiving gifts.   Don't forget how important it is to God that you sit in his church and learn the purity of some woman who was TOTALLY a virgin....Riiiiight. We live in a world that revolves around work and money.  Well fine, I'll thank God I'm getting a few vacation days.  

PHEWWW.....Okay okay I'm calm....But before I turn this post into a bitter diatribe about the religious grip of the X-Mass season I'm going to stop myself.  This is not a post about God or Christmas.  This is about family and how to navigate the crashing of worlds...and of course sex.

This is my first Christmas as a non-christian.  My family has not even been in town for 24 hours and I have already been interrogated about my belief in Jesus and my sexual status.  Here is where I had to take a breath and look back at THIS post from when I was first learning how to place boundaries.

Yesterday I walked into a Mormon church for the first time in a year. My family was all going to sacrament meeting.  Just sacrament.  I did not wish to go to church, but being the only non-Mormon home for the holidays I decided one hour would be doable.   I wore pants and a purple sweater.  Not as a protest but as a convenience.  How liberating it feels to walk into a sacrament meeting with no concern for the opinions of other.   I must say I'm very proud of myself.  I didn't really pay attention to the speakers. Not out of defiance but rather out of boardom. It felt nice not to feel about the church.
 
Then I had a tiny moment of victory.  A moment that warmed my heart only way being yourself can.
Sitting there next to my brother sacrament plate appeared.  There was all that torn up bread.  This is the first time a sacrament plate had been placed in front to me since my de-virginizing. Naturally I thought, "Oh I should not take this."  My hand jerked away from the plate. Then almost as fast I snatched up the biggest piece of bread I could see.  "Fuck that!"  I thought, "I'm not a bad person and also... I'm hungry."  That bread felt good going down.  Almost as good as it felt going down on my boyfriend the night before.  mmmm....yummy.... dressed up like and Elf with a green a red panties.  Striped knee socks and a Elf Hat.  "Santa baby, I'm very good at making toys, would you like to see my wood working skills."  HAHAHA! LOVE SEX PUN.  They were flying like Santa's sleigh last night.

  Alex and I did have a wonderfully fun and sexy night together. I made is snow and he plowed my driveway.  We talked a lot and shared our love.   I like dressing up for him.  I'm lucky that I was able to leave the faith without being permanently scared by the Mormon chastity belt.   I enjoyed all of my naughty thoughts as the deacons continued passing sacrament.  

When the tray of sacrament water cups arrived I grab one and like a jello shot.  I threw it back and slammed it. "Ah! That's good stuff " I said to my Mormon brother.

He pused a little shocked. Then he said, "That is weak, I could down a whole tray."

It's nice to see my brother join in the fun.  Even if its just for a moment. I would say it was my best sacrament meeting ever.

Suicide Awareness

I recently read an article posted by one of my Mormon Facebook friends about suicide in Utah.  As you may know suicide in Utah is a real problem.  The percentage of deaths due to suicide is 30% higher then the national average. The article was trying to claim Utah higher depression rate was due to the high altitudes.  A nice theory but I think anyone who has lived in Utah knows the real reason. 

 Whether you are gay or straight the pressure to live your life by the churches standards is a heavy burden.  One that many people choose not to endure by leavening.   However, the stress of trying to leave sends many into a spiraling depression.  When I was in collage I suffered greatly with the cognitive dissonances of the church.  I made an attempt on my life to escape the reality of a Mormon life.  That event has stayed with me.  You can read my story Here.

I recently became aware of a group who are trying to help.  They are hoping to spread the word far and wide -- even if its among exmos because they can reach out to their family and friends who may still be active.

I really support this Idea.  Luckily I do not live in Utah but that dose not mean I can't participate.  Here's a link to the facebook event: https://www.facebook.com/events/1717769221782323/  If you know anyone personally affected, maybe write up a tribute to them.

As far as participating in the event, a lot of the people are exmormon, so they won't be attending church, but we're trying to group people by local area so they can do candle light vigils, feed the homeless youth, etc... in their own community.

Porn and Potato; The Secrets of Love

I have sat here for about 20 minutes trying to find a clever way to start this post. I've considered Shakespearean quotes and flowery poems.  I wanted my intro to reflect the sentiment of the topic but clearly it's falling short.  From cliches to come on's nothing feels right. This post is about love. Plain and simple.  Not dating, not sex, and not the awkward in-between of forced laughter and fake organisms.  I have talked a LOT about dating on this blog.  I have experimented, and hypothesized what it would be like to date a person who was not Mormon. But I have not really discussed love.    

Well I must confess something to you my friends...I'm slight uncomfortable with the topic of love.  Maybe it's the expectation of heighten emotion, or maybe its the vulnerability required to maintain it. Never the less, I love my never-mormon boyfriend Alex.  

"Emma!" You say, "Why did you keep this from us, your loyal BreakingMormon cronies?"

     

I guess I just wanted to make sure it was real.  I held on to the idea that all men outside the church were immoral sexual predators. After all that is what I have been told all my life.  Alex is nothing like the monster the church has made him out to be.  He is a sweet and caring person.  He is honest...sometimes a little too honest, but that's one of the things I love about him.   

   

 I think the most penurious weapon the church uses is the way they paint Love. "Love is wonderful and eternal", says the church "but also that love is dangerous. Do not let yourself fall in love with a non-Mormon. Love must be controlled. Do not express love with your bodies.  Love is conditional. If your spouse leave the church he dose not love God and can't love you." The list of expectations goes on and on and it is tragic to watch two people lose love over it.  

Here I flashback to my youth.  Sitting in church staring at poor Sister Anderson.  She is married but her husband has left the church. Teachers in class would use her life as a warning to the dangers of love.  So alone she sits. "How sad", I think "Her husband must be such a bad and lazy person. A fat slovenly man with potato chips strewn a crossed his pot beer belly."  

Ladies and gentleman you must not let the church use love as a weapon.  You must escape the fear surrounding non-mormon love. I know you are scared because dating in the modern world is frighting.  You have been told many lies about sex.  You are afraid, I know, I was too.  You are imagining that potbellied man sitting on your couch eating potato chips and watching porn.  and I will tell you he exists!  but you do not have to date that man.  You are smart enough to see the wolf in sheep's clothing.  Will men use lies to get you to sleep with them.  Well, they will try.  But I will let you in on a little secret. Those same men will be lazy.  If you proceed with caution and only do things when you have established trust in the relationship that porn and potatoes man will get bored. He move on and leave you alone. The man(or woman) who will truly love and care for you will be there.  Even after the 17th make out session.  Will he want to have sex with you.  Yes!  dose that make him bad.  No!   Will he watch porn? Yes!  Will that make him bad?  Not really.  That makes him human. 

In short you must trust your own judgment and move slowly.  Love is out there my friends.  I found it and it's amazing!  Now it's your turn.        

Ordain Woman

What would happen if Woman were given the priesthood? This woman has a pretty good idea. She has figured out 4 simple step to survive Woman in the church work place.  She my be a Mormon but she get it and she has a since of humor.  I got to give her props for this.  Though she is probably brainwashed she has enough of a mind left to recognize how the church leaders are better at controlling people then trusting them to think for themselves.  The church leaders are just stupid old men who wish we all would stop using all this new fangled technology and go back to a simpler time where TV had 3 channels and only a white male property holders could vote.  Ahhhh yes the good old days.

http://www.the-exponent.com/but-what-if-everybody-has-sex/




I'll admit when I hear about all this Ordain Woman nonsense I just think "Ladies LEAVE!  How can you be so close to freedom and yet stop short!  Keep going, freedom is just one ex-communication away!"

I understand how the relief society president with her perfectly modest skirt can fall into the "role of a woman" crap.  But how can there be so many wonderfully beautiful woman who recognize the sexism of the church still attend?  Not only to they recognize it, but they want more. More sexism!  I'm sure if woman got the priesthood the next step would be letting us get our own planet in the after life.  Or maybe the enjoy a monogamous afterlife with our husband.   On rare occasion I attempt to understand the Mormon woman perspective. I'll admit it is a nice community but besides that...

If you have any idea how these half robot woman exist in the the church feel free to enlighten me...Please leave a comment...  Because I'm stumped.

Moving Out

We all know how hard it is to tell your friends and siblings you are letting go of the Iron rod.  You know what they are saying behind your back.  You notice they distance themselves.  I have even heard stories of people being shunned and ostracized. It is a sticky wicket.  But nothing compares to the challenge of telling your parents.  

I spent months hiding from my parents. I was living with Mom and Dads home trying to get my life together.  Being recently dumped, unemployed and on suicide watch I decided not to add heathen to my list of failures.  It was a tough act.  Every Sunday morning I would put on a dress and "drive to church".  Luckily we had a
Singles Ward I could "attend" so my parents never suspected.  I usually stopped at a gas station and changed into my street clothing.  I usually sat in my car and drove around for a while.  Maybe stop in a bar and watch people living normal lives.  Occasionally I would drop in on the Singles Ward.  Like a moth to the flame.  I actually enjoyed seeing all my old friends and getting all that attention. Many of them knew I was questioning.  Having been a staple in the ward they all worried about me. "I'm Just really busy" I would say with a smile.  I usually ended the service hiding in the bathroom fighting tears.

This went on for months.  It was hard enough leaving my friends. The idea of telling my parents was terrifying.    I worried if they knew I would be throw out of the house.  Left to fend for myself.  I figured I would wait until I moved out. But the game of Church Hide and Seek was getting harder and harder to play.  I started dropping hint.  Saying I had doubts.  Asking inappropriate questions to the home teachers. Then my  mother discovered my copy of "No Man Knows My History" (See: http://breakingmormon.blogspot.com/2013/05/mother-may-i-so-mom-i-was-making-out.html  )  She became more and more defensive of the church.  Insisting on nightly prayer and Family Home Evening. It was time for the truth to come out. 

It was a Sunday evening and I was still in my Sunday dress.  My parents started asking me about my job search trying to give me advice.  How could I interview for jobs when I was such an emotional wreck? I had no idea where my life was headed.  I was still silently suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I was not sleeping and felt so alone. 

"Maybe if you just spent more time at church you could clear your head," My Mother said. 

Suddenly I just blurted it out "I'm not going to church!" There was a moment of silence.  I took a deep breath. "Mom, Dad I need to tell you something.  Can we sit down?"

I told them I did not believe Joseph Smith was a prophet and that I would no longer be a Mormon.  It was a short conversation and my parent were relatively understanding. Of course more long winded and frustrating conversation were yet to come but for the time being it was okay.  My parents respond with love and understanding. They still supported me and did not kick me out.  That felt nice. The important part was I held my ground.  I did not allow them the fantastic idea  that I would come back.  

For those of you who have yet to tell your parents I recommend you break it to them over time. Maybe a few weeks.  Maybe a few months. But tell them and when you do do not leave them any room for hope.  In the long run you will just hurt them more.  Live your new life with excitement and pride.  I know you probably feel you are disappointing them.  Well let me ask you this...do you plan on living in your parents basement for the rest of your life?  No. You want to move out and they want you to too.  They would be disappointed if you never moved out and built a life for yourself.   Letting your parents believe you may one day come back to church is like emotionally sleeping on a futon in their basement. Your parents had you so they could watch you grow and become your own person. You may not get the job they think you should have, or date the boys they pick but they can take pride in the fact that they raised someone who could think for themselves. 

If you are struggling with coming out I highly recommend you watch this TED talk.  My sister sent me this link as I was leaving and gave me a lot of courage! 

  http://www.ted.com/talks/ash_beckham_we_re_all_hiding_something_let_s_find_the_courage_to_open_up

An Unexpected Rant

I was recently sent a survey from my old Ward in NYC.  They explained they were going to do a series of lessons on marriage and they wanted to get an idea of the general feeling towards relationship from the NYC Mormons.  

I decided to fill out the survey for mostly for my own masochistic reasons.  Most of the question were typical Mormon stereotypes.  There was a multiple choice question I found indicative of their true purpose in sending out this questionnaire, the question is very telling of the attitude of those in the Mormon faith towards marriage. 

What answer below best reflects your feelings on dating and marriage?

•  I’m ready to be married now, get me out of this dating game now
•  I’ll get around to dating when I have time, but for now I’m chasing my dreams
•  Dating is fun, but the idea of getting married is terrifying
•  I feel like my dating life is in balance with the other aspects in my life

 #1 is a statement I heard countless times while in the church.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the most frequent response from their young, single adult audience.  There is an idea brewed in the minds of the young and sexually frustrated that the moment they say "I do" everything in your relationship is all taken care of, and that you will always be perfectly in love and happy.  

Alex, my Never-Mo boyfriend, and I have been together for almost a year and we are in no rush to seal the deal. This is the first relationship I have been in where time is no issue.  We’re already having sex and we both have independent lives. This is also the first time I have been dating someone where relationship milestones are not reached every week like clockwork. The romantic comedy element adds a lot of excitement to Mormon relationships.  I have noticed that it feels like our relationship is lacking in excitement merely because he is not shouting "Marry me!" But that is simply a reaction to developing a healthy relationship based on common Interests not getting into heaven. By taking our time and removing the threat of unrealistic expectation, we are able to develop a healthy, loving and honest relationship. So when I reached the final question on the survey I could not resist answering honestly.

•  Is there anything you would like the bishop to know?

Here is what I wrote…

"When I was Mormon the pressure to get married was horrible and I was unhappy.  It's not the Bishop’s fault.  The church as a whole has an idea of relationships that is unhealthy.  Getting married is a choice some make. Not getting married is also a choice.  When I was a Mormon the men were all under sexed and over-stressed about the idea of getting married. They had unrealistic and, frankly, childish ideas of relationships.  The relationship was less about love and more about what their wife was going to do for them. Now, as a Non-mormon, I have learned a lot about what makes a healthy relationship.  It’s not about finding the most church going, reverent,  a-sexual person you can find. It is about opening yourself up to loving yourself and owning that.  If you are a Mormon who drinks and does not attend church find someone else who lives life this way.  Don't try and change who you are for the hope that you will get married and have sex.   Be yourself...not what the church tells you to be.  I filled out this survey as if I was still Mormon.  But then I thought it would be better to be honest and tell you the truth.  To show you that love outside religious expectations is real true and awesome love!"

My "Thing"

When I was in college I was very active. I was consistently involved in projects, theatrical plays, movie making, open mics, dating, dancing, exercising, skiing, long boarding, classes and Divine Comedy.  I had so many "Things" going on and I loved it. My activities were a great distraction from the occasional spat with depression, suicidal thoughts, or sexual frustration.  I had a full and mostly happy life.  

Since leaving the church I feel like my "Thing" is Mormonism.  I find it ironic that it took me leaving the church to identify myself by it. My stand-up comedy is all about Mormonism.  This blog...obviously is all about Mormonism. My life story is Mormonism.  Every person I meet wants to know how, why and what Mormonism is. The church’s isolation tactic makes socializing outside the cult very difficult.   

    

My boyfriend Alex is a very talented guitar player. He is in a Van Halen Tribute band. Music is his "Thing." My roommate loves to read and talk about reading. That's her "Thing".  My co-worker is all into yoga and he loves buying stones and mediating with them. It may sound goofy to some but it is his "Thing." 

I used to have so many "Things" but lately I feel I have nothing. 

"Oh Emma, that's not true." I tell myself.  "You love your job! Car sales are really fun and fascinating and perfect for your personality." 

And it's true. I do love my job, but some days my job does not love me back.  My job can’t be my only love in life. Some days at my job people will ask me about my past and Mormonism will come up.  I don't love those days.  

I have spent the last few weeks contemplating this loss of personal development.  I had a bad day at work and the walls of self-loathing started closing in.  I'm ashamed to say I started falling back into my old habits.  Depression, and suicide idealization.   I tried to snap out of it.  I went for a run but as I ran my eyes were scanning the city skyline for tall buildings to jump off of. I began to shut down.  I began to cry in broad daylight, nervously pulling at my hair.  I was having what felt like the beginning of a nervous breakdown.  It was frightening.   I called a few people but no one picked up and when they tried to call me back it was too late.  I had fallen so deep into depression that I hid from everyone.  That night I drank a few beers to try and knock myself out.  At work I was barely present.  My managers noticed I was not my normal happy go lucky self. But I just kept quiet.

When I was Mormon I felt this way often.  I spent many nights in solitude crying and hating myself. I did not want to talk about it but desperately needed to.  After a particularly bad night of negative thinking I decided it was time to talk to someone.  I opened up to one of my managers at work who I trusted would understand.  Talking about my struggle made a big difference and I was able to get back to functioning at work. 

I think the biggest advice I can give at this point is be patients with yourself.  It's not my only "Thing" in my life but it is a big part and that's okay.  I do have other interests and it's important to continue looking for new adventures and hobbies. Yes, leaving Mormonism is hard but look and the progress you have made. There was a time where I thought about killing myself on a daily basis.  Now when I do feel suicidal it’s an abnormal feeling, and one that is easily dismissed. That's called progress my friends and if progress is my "Thing", well...I’ll take it!

MBA or MRS?

Gather ‘round friends and I will tell you a terrible tale. A true ghost story. It all started at the BYU’s Women and MBAs introduction dinner.  The events you are about to read actually happened. MUAHAHAHAHA! 

I was fresh out of an engagement.  An unmarried 26 year old.  The possibility were endless?   Ha! I was sexually frustrated and lacking any real skills to get me a job.  This boy was supposed to take me to the next level.  Married Ward.  I could be married and enter a new phase of life.  That was when I saw the invitation.  

"Welcome ladies,” said a cheerful woman in a business suit, “My name is Bethany and I am here to tell you a little bit about what BYU's MBA program has to offer you.   We are so glad all of you have taken an interest in forwarding your career at this blessed University. So sit back, enjoy your Christmas sparkling grape juice while we tell you why BYU's MBA program is right for you. "   

The dinner started out great. Different professors from the program all stood up and talked about the different classes and tests you would be required to take to apply for the program. at first I felt hope.  Maybe I could take care of myself without a husband?  But something felt off, the room seemed sad. It didn't become apparent just how sad until later in the evening.

  

"Ladies," said Bethany, "We have a special treat for you. Tonight we have with us three women who graduated from BYU’s MBA program. They are going to come up here and tell you a little about themselves and their experience."  

What happened next was the most horrifying display of self-loathing I have ever witnessed. The first woman took the stage. She had long stringy  hair and and was wearing what looked like a funeral dress.

"Hello, my name is Tiffany," She said  "I decided to get my MBA because I realized I was turning 30 and I wasn't married. I never planned on having to make a living for myself but I figured if I had to work, I should further my education."  I almost did a spit take as the other zombie women were all shaking their heads in agreement. Tiffany continued to tell of her menial job and how she hoped it would someday help her find a husband. She also commented that God may not have wanted her to get married and she will have to except that. What a rousing way to conclude your motivational MBA speech.

The next woman took the podium. She was very smiley and very pregnant. 

“Hello everyone, I’m Melony.  I was so excited when BYU asked me to speak today.  I had great success getting my MBA.  Much like Tiffany I was a little worried about my future because I wasn't married yet.  So I decided to get my MBA, and it’s actually where I met my husband.” Melony then proceeded to tell us all about how she met her husband and just how wonderful he was and how wonderful being married was. She concluded with, “Well…as you can see, I’m not actually using my MBA but my husband has a great job.  We just bought a house!”    

Melony Waddled off the stage. Finally the most terrifying speaker was announced.  The woman sitting next to me was called to the stage. She was absolutely beautiful and seemed very collected.  But her tale was the most tragic…

“Hi my name is Suzanna.  After I got my MBA I was offered a job at Google.” Wow! I was impressed! “…but I turned it down because my boyfriend at the time said he wanted us to get married and I would have to choose between him and Google.  After we broke up I spent two years working for a company in Africa. I spent some time in DC where I…” and here she listed quite a few accomplishments.  Though I was impressed, I could not quite get past her irrational turning down GOOGLE for a boy who clearly was not that into her. She now works for a company in DC but confusingly she lives in Salt Lake City. “I do spread sheets for a company all the way out in DC. I can work from home in my PJ’s.” she said with a laugh. 

"Hmmm like a hobo" I thought. Things got more awkward when she returned to the table.

 “Good job.”  I said, “That’s really impressive that you lived in Africa.” 

“Ha yeah!” She said bitterly, “It was great but you do feel the pressure.  I mean I’m 35 now and I just got dumped again.  I could have been dating for those two years you know…” 

“Um yeah I guess”, I said.

“I mean I just don’t get what I’m doing wrong.  Dave and I have been together for 6 months.  And about a month ago we were in the temple and he said he was praying for a sign…you know, like, if I was the one…and I guess right when he prayed is when I got done in the bathroom. So I came out and he saw me.  He told me it was a sign we should get married!  But then last week he said he felt the spirit tell him maybe not…but I’m like, what about the sign at the temple bathroom, you know?”  

Suzanne spent the rest of the night analyzing every man she had ever dated. All the other young woman at the table chimed in with similar concerns.  All of them were single too.  All of these woman were recently dumped...all of these woman sounded like...

 I then had a hair raising sensation. As if I was being watched by someone who knew my fate....  IT WAS ME!  Everything she was saying and had said sounded like my life.  I was sitting next to my Ghost of Christmas Future. Some pathetic girl, unsatisfied with all the good she had done because she was still single. Including, but not limited to, giving up her dream for a man.  The reason I was at this dinner is I had been dumped after moving from NYC to Utah for a man.   If I continued down this path I would become Suzanne.  My tombstone would read 

Here lies a chick who 

has seen the world but 

she never got married.  

What a shame.   

I felt sick for days after that dinner and I wish I could say it was the food.  I decided against the BYU MBA program.  I figured there are many better ways to deal with being single. 

Fairy Tale Ending

"Okay," I said, sitting in the hallway.  Then I began putting my boots on.  I wasn't going to cry and this was not going to be one of those 5 hour break-ups. He wasn't worth it.  When he dropped me off at my apartment I told him to wait, I ran into my apartment and grabbed our book.  It was our fairy tale. The book he had driven 10 hours to deliver to me.  It held the story of our relationship spelled out in hand-drawn pictures and inside jokes. I had continued the story with pictures of of my own and together we built our enchanted romance. It was the cutest thing anyone had ever done for me. I had felt like a princess and he had been my prince charming.

"Take this.  I don't want it." I said, throwing it at him. He protested but I gave him no choice.

As I turned to leave, a thought struck me, "You know what Aaron?  I'm so glad that this is done because I don't have to pretend anymore.  I'm so tired of always acting. So tired of hiding"  

I don't think I even knew what I was saying on that very late October night.  Only months later did I realize how dedicated I had been to the role of Molly Mormon. So much of me was an act to impress these priesthood holders. That was the last time I saw Aaron and I have not missed him once.  

Now here we are, about 70 blog posts later, and I'm living in a different world. A newly minted Ex-mormon!  I have a steady job and a stable self-reliant life.  My life is my own.  I'm not the slave wife to my “prince.” But I have played the part of a Mormon princess for so long it is hard for me step off my pedestal. As I mentioned my previous Mormon love stories were whirlwind romance.  When you have post Mormon romantic epiphanies they hit hard and fast.  

Alex and I have been dating for a while….and guess what? We just keep dating.  How can we still be dating you ask? It's been 6 months, you say?  By Mormon logic we should either be broken up or engaged…right?  Strangely enough, I don’t want either. This concept of dating someone longer than 6 months was in conflict with everything I've ever experienced.  I still can’t quite comprehend it. It is kind of like trying to understand how the universe is infinite and it is also expanding. 

Eventually my uncomfortableness of our situation started to show, and my inexperience in non-mormon dating started to bubble to the surface.  I started thinking irrationally, trying to find problems in our relationship and exploding them in my mind.  One night, Alex sent me a smilie face emoticon :) instead of a winky smilie face ;) I used this textual symbol as fuel to exacerbate our clearly failed relationship. Unfortunately Alex is way to cool, collected and sweet to let me imagine problems. We talk and I soon realized I was just freaked out. Scared that i was prolonging something only to watch it burn in a year or three years. How can anyone take such a big gamble on love. 

Love isn't a fairy tale anymore. Now I realize that you can't just marry someone and be done. Even after you get married you have to still work at it. What "it" is I’m not entirely sure. I'm frustrated and disappointed. I don't want dating to be a slow and carefully thought out process. I want it to be fast and exciting…What happened to my whirlwind romance where you meet and you just know?  I have been dating Alex for over 6 months and I feel like there is so much I don't know about him.  When I look at him I don't just see a perfect man with no flaws.  Where is my prince charming? Where are those rose-colored glasses the church gave me?  My fairy tale life is ending.  I've lost the ability to mindlessly go through a romance with only the end goal in sight.

OR… Maybe I’m coming to the harsh reality that love is a journey not a fairy tale. :( 

Romantic Diarrhea

It was late at night and I was sound asleep in Alex's bed. After a decadent dinner of leftover ribs and gas station pizza, Alex and I had drifted to a cozy sleep. What a breakthrough. I usually hated sleeping in a bed with a man, but Alex was different. I didn't feel trapped. I didn't get the knot of guilt in my stomach that normally accompanied my sexy sleepovers. It just felt nice to be close to him. Around 4:00 in the morning I awoke to that sick feeling again.  I tossed and turned, my mind racing, and I began to sweat. Was this another panic attack?  Alex could feel how distraught I was. He wrapped his strong arm around my stomach and held me close. Although it was a nice gesture, it did not help. I threw his arm from my stomach. although he’s a sweet man, I couldn’t shake the nasty sick feeling I had woken up with. Suddenly, without warning I found myself running down the hall of his apartment. Right into the bathroom, where I threw up the contents of my stomach.  

It turned out I was not experiencing a panic attack, I was simply food poisoned. And it wasn't long until Alex joined me in my misery.  Here we were practically strangers, taking turns vomiting into the toilet…and nether one of us knew what to do.  We googled food poisoning and I even called my mother from his bed for advice. Of course I did not tell her Alex was there. 

"Well do you have diarrhea?" She asked over the speaker phone,

"yes" I admitted, embarrassed as Hell.

My mother recommended that I drink Sprite and lots of water. But Alex didn’t have any Sprite. I would have to walk down to the corner gas station. I began to get out of bed when Alex stopped me.  

"I'll get it", he moaned.  

The next 24 hours was spent puking, and trying to distract ourselves from puking. We learned a lot about each other from this experience. When I think about the important moments in our relationship it would be fair to say this one is at the top of the list. Alex and I have been dating for almost 5 months now. At this point I would even call him my boyfriend. 

When I visit the ghost of relationships passed I am reminded of the exciting and dramatic turning points in our relationships.  In Mormon land the process of finding your eternal lover happens very quickly.  Romantic milestones are constantly being reached. It is like falling in love in a movie. You ignore the communication problems, and just focusing on the fun of the journey. Before you know it, the movie is over and you havent even finished your pop corn! In 

Mormon land Alex and I would be engaged by now!  It was hard for me to decelerate into a more healthy relationship pattern. I was used to seeing my boyfriend every single day. When you only have 6 month to decide if he is "the one" you take every second you can get. One day after hanging around at his place all day Alex said something very strange to me.  

"You know…sometimes I just need some time to myself." I could tell he was trying very hard not to hurt my feelings.  

I, of course, was hurt. I took the hint and hopped in my car. I spent the next few days processing what he said. Clearly he didn't like me anymore.  I figured it was time to cut ties and start over. There were plenty of guys out there who would actually want to spend every waking second with me. But before I put the EX on our relationship I thought I might want to do some Non-Mormon dating research. 

I sought advice from my modern female friends.  Mindy had been dating my co-worker and she explained it best.  "Oh yeah, I really like Devin but I don't need to see him every day.  That would drive me nuts.  So I usually just let him play video games while I get my stuff done." 

Hum...I thought back to how many times I had gotten in my car and drove down to Alex’s place even when I sort of didn't want to. Don't get me wrong I always enjoy spending time with Alex but sometimes I felt obligated by an outside force to forget my own needs and focus on "US."  

The church is so focused on paring off. Singles are discriminated against and made to feel guilty. Unmarried men and woman are not “whole.”  It’s strange to come to the realization that I'm a whole person all on my own. I have a job, a savings account, and I can decide how I spend my free time.  I rent movies I know he won’t like and watch them by myself. I go swing dancing, and do comedy. Basically I have my own life besides just him, and that is okay. 

I no longer feel obligated to spend every waking minute with Alex. It is actually quite empowering. In the church single men and woman put all of their love and devotion and free time into the relationship.  They cling to each other from the moment they meet. And that's great if you are a parasite fish that feeds on a great white shark and you hope it never eats you. But in the real world normal relationship are composed of mixed emotions, complicated agendas and the occasional romantic night out.

The meaning of it ALL

Ah here it is. Another post attempting to tackle the ever present question we all ask ourselves, “What is the meaning of life?” I'm here sitting at my desk completely angry, frustrated and stressed. Maybe it’s the newly started birth control I’m on because, according to my sister, being "pro-choice" is not a sufficient form of contraception. Perhaps I am blinded by the light at the end of this long-ass tunnel. Whatever the reason, I keep trying to catch the meaning of my existence. After a perfect storm of stressful downfalls from work I found myself too upset to cry. That coupled with a very stressful moving process and a woman who decided to just be mean to me for no reason, I have become a stoic and un-feeling representation of myself.  I guess it’s a lot to expect I will always be happy.  But when I am in an emotional tailspin it is good to not only get out of it but also figure out why I have fallen so fast from being happy. In times like this I am reminded of my favorite inspirational thought. If you have not seen this video please watch it.  It's a comedic poem that so perfectly illustrates "the meaning of life". 

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhGuXCuDb1U

"Isn't this enough?  Just this world, beautiful...complex...wonderfully unfathomable natural world.  How does it so fail to hold our attention that we have to diminish it with cheap man made myths and monsters."

I truly have had an extraordinary life. I was raised in a ‘ma and pa’ Ice-cream shop with the most amazing family a gal could want. I was able to experience the fame of Hollywood through my sister Julie on the “Real World.”  I have played major roles in massive musical productions.  I have traveled all over the states, lived in the city that never sleeps. I've backpacked through Europe and stood in awe of the never ending wonders. I have loved, lost loves and repeated the process time and again. And now, in the wake of the earth shattering discovery about the church being wrong, I'm able to start again. It’s almost as though I get to try two lifetimes.  Not only that, but I have more appreciation for the freedom I have than most Americans have had all their lives. Why just this morning I spilled coffee on my paycheck. The paper turned that foggy brown color of coffee-soaked paper and I realized it was the first time I have ever spilled coffee on something.  

So, when I find myself down, I ask myself "Isn't this enough?"  Whatever stresses I experience at my job or unpleasant people who cross my path I've created a life for myself, full of caring people who will help me move on from my past (or in some cases, just move.)  From one apartment to the next.  One job to the next. From one friend to the next. From one adventure to the next.  One life filled with nexts. Maybe the meaning in life is just to see what will happen next.

Bedtime Story

Congratulations to me!  I have been sexual active for about 5 months.  I recently crossed into a new realm of sexual enjoyment, and I’m going to tell you all about it…aww yeah! 

Alex and I clicked. (See: Outliers) Finding a guy who understood my ex-religious turmoil was rare. Since he was still in the closet as an ex-catholic, he related well to me. Not only do I find him fiendishly attractive, but I also really like his personality. He genuinely makes me laugh, we have many common interests and he seems like an all-around good guy. But there was a tiny road block standing between us. Sex. You see, at this point I have had sex with two men. Both Dahan and Brian were nice enough guys, however, the only part about them I really cared for was the part between their legs. Though I was having sex with them, I kept both men at arm’s length. I wouldn't spend the night and purposely had an air mattress so an overnight guest would be impossible. Our “dates” usually started as a movie but would quickly turn to banging, and then going home.  And that just fine with me.

So, needless to say, my walls shot straight up with Alex. We didn’t even kiss for about a week. One night we stayed up till about 3:00 in the morning just talking. 

“Well I better get going.” I said.

“If you want you could stay the night?” replied Alex, and although there was no expectation in his voice, I knew what overnight meant and grabbed my keys.

Later that week I stopped by again. Alex made the first move by putting his arm around me.  Then, when the sexual tension was too much to bear, Alex went in for the kill. We began making out hard. But then Alex’s hands migrated down to the zipper on my blue jeans. I jumped off the couch and left Alex in the push up stance.

“You okay?” he asked,

“Yeah, I just think I had better get going.” I said.  His face was complete confusion so I figured I had better explain. “Sorry I really want to…you know…do all that….stuff, but it’s just that I actually find you really attractive.” I said apologetically.

Alex's head fell with disappointment for a moment and then looked back at me even more confused than before.  “Wait, what?”

“Yeah is just that I like you so I don’t think we should do anything…you know…”  I said

“I’m sorry I just don’t understand…you like me? You find me attractive? And for that reason you don’t want to have sex?”

“Right.”  I affirmed, relived he understood. “Whelp!  I better get going.” And with that I yet again left him sitting alone on his couch. 

A few days later Alex came over.  It did not take long for me to jump on top of him and force my mouth on his mouth. He smelled so good and his short, sexy beard grazed the tender skin of my neck.  I was digging my lips into his and thrusting my pelvis. Back and forth and back and -Suddenly Alex slapped his hand to his forehead, “I don’t understand how this is any different from having sex.” He said (almost to himself.)

I instantly curled up into a ball at one end of the couch. I didn't know what to say. I was scared. We talked about it and I guess I said something that sort of made sense.  Alex seemed okay with my reason for not popping out my ta tas.  But…as I was sitting looking at him a phrase from my good friend Devin came to mind.

“Look, you are going to make mistakes, but that’s how you learn.  You can’t live your life afraid that you’ll screw up.  If you do that, you might as well go back to church.”

I took a moment to collect my thoughts.  I did like this guy. I wanted to have sex with him for the enjoyment of it. I guess I was just worried that I would instantly fall in love with him, and I knew I couldn’t control if he was one of those guys who just want to bang me and then never talk to me again. I knew it was highly likely he would be this way due to the fact that he was not a Mormon and we all know how “devious” any non-Mormon man is when it comes to sex!  But, if he was willing to stick around this long, maybe he actually wasn’t an evil sex fiend.  With the conclusion of that thought I popped my shirt off and he chased me into the bedroom where we, eventually, had really great sex. It actually didn't take too long. Just about a half an hour of me lying face down on my air mattress in my underwear scared shitless and then another half hour where I learned that not all penises are created equal.

Some are much… much…bigger.

Alex and I are, to my surprise, still seeing each other.  He is not bored with me just because he fucked me.  I did not “fall in love” with him.  In fact, the next morning I almost felt indifferent to him.  Sure, I still liked him, but if he never called again I knew would move on.   The sex was good and I was glad I at least got to...how you say..."tap that.”

So what have I learned from all this you may ask?  I learned that waiting to have sex until your wedding night is a gamble.  You are giving your hormones too much power in the situation.  It’s better to get the sex straightened out so you can focus on the more important aspects of your relationship.  Maybe if it gets really serious you’ll deflate the small air mattress and get a real queen size bed for two. 

The Seven Stages Out of Mormonism

Everyone who leaves the church has an extraordinary journey.  The kind of journey that should be made into a Focus Feature Film with slow emo music and contrasting dark and bright lighting.  Although all of our stories are different there are a few common experiences.  So without further ado I wanted to introduce the 7 stages of leaving the Mormon church.    

#1  The Big Bang:  You’re on the threshold of a nervous breakdown. You have done everything right.  You are trying to "feel" the spirit but the pressure to satisfy your innocuous curiosity finally gets the better of you.  You want to know (definitively) why you must live this way. The fear of the bishop is just not strong enough to stop you.

#2   The Never Ending Story:  Your head is spinning as your eyes scan page after page of history.  You cross reference everything you have ever learned at church with the facts you have now discovered. You spend hours reading and neglect your responsibilities. You keep going over it again and again. How could they do this? How could you be so blind? 

#3   The Experiments:  Eventually you toss the books aside and, like a maimed corpse, you just can't look at it anymore. Though it takes time, you eventually start getting your life back together. You can't get the thoughts out of your head.  You try and bite your tongue but you can't help it.  Everything you say is laced with bitterness about the church. You can't even look at a temple without putting one finger in the air.    

#4  Survivors Guilt: You wake up and look at all of your Mormon friends. Your heart breaks as you watch them struggling with all these "problems" put on them by church culture.  Dating and marriage seem to be the only things they can think about. You wonder what made you so special that you got out, and perhaps even try desperately to help them.  Send them links to website or post things on Facebook. It won’t matter though, they won’t listen. Your life is still a mess of cognitive dissonance but at least you see the light at the end.   

#5  Hey I'm Normal!:  You start to meet other people.  Many of whom have never heard of Mormonism. You mouth runs wild with stories of your crazy cult up-bringing.  You enjoy the attention but feel alone.  These people really can't understand you. You may start to miss your old Mormon community.  But soon realize going back is not an option for you. You go out of your way to meet other Ex-Mormons like yourself.  They are the only people who can understand what you have been though...at least that's what you think.  

#6  Oh I'm Normal: You have learned to control your motor mouth about the church.  Slowly a night drinking at the bar does not feel so out of place. You realize that though many people won’t understand the constraints of Mormonism they do know what it is like breaking away from expectations. You still have much to learn about the real world but at least you feel like you belong. 

#7  Somewhat Freedom The dust is settling in your life.  You have begun to think of Mormonism as something in your past.  It will occasionally creep in but you are learning to pacify your anger towards the church.  You still feel bad for those who are still trapped but you have so many new friends that it lessens the pain.  You remind yourself you were smart enough to question.  You were strong enough to fight back. You were brave enough to stand tall.  Not everyone can be as brave as you

Dinner and a Show

What do you do when you are sitting in a crowded restaurant with your parents, who are probing you for information about your sex life, and suddenly you father yells at the top of his lungs, “What if you get pregnant?” I’ll tell you what you don’t do.  You don’t do nothing.  You stand your ground and yell, “Dad it is none of your Goddamn business!”  Then you grab your coat and get out of there before security shows up.  

Yes!  That did happen to me last night. How did you guess?  I have spent a day and a half absolutely disgusted with my father.  I’m learning in the real world it is considered rude to ask someone, “when are you getting married?”, “Why don’t you have kids”, and “Tell me about you sex life.” Not so in the Mormon community.  These are all perfectly acceptable question of any person at any stage in their life.   Mormons are always nosing around in each other’s business.

“Did you see Brother Badapple not take sacrament this week?  They better send him on a mission fast.”

“I saw Sister Totesguilty come out of the bishops office crying. Looks like she is not going on the temple trip.”

MIND YOU OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS…*Cough*…excuse me.  I remember one time, while I was in the gooey transition between Mormon and not so Mormon, sitting in the back seat of a car with one of these judgment sweethearts. She was ranking which men in the ward were “steller” priesthood holders and which were lazy and unworthy priesthood holders. 

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“Brother Kissass and Brother Noseynice are stellar worthy priesthood holders but Brother Latetochurch and Brother Forgotatie are not.  They just don’t have enough good stuff, you know?”

Here are men giving 10% of their money, 40% percent of their time, and 100% of their sexuality to the church and they are still sub-par priesthood holders.  The sad truth is, no one is ever good enough in church and you will be told this for the rest of your life.

This is where boundaries are so important.  (See: Coming out the IKEA Mormon closet) Your family and many of your friends will judge you. They will ask you those inappropriate questions and will be shocked if you tell them to nose out.  They will even tell you that YOU are the one being crazy.  My parent looked at me like my outburst came out of nowhere.  Granted there are better ways to handle yourself then resorting to a shouting match.   They cannot understand how prying into their daughter’s sex life in the middle of a Chilis is inappropriate.  You have to look at them like you would children.  They are socially inbred and don’t know what they are saying.  In the church’s eyes, sex outside marriage and murder are the same level of sin.  So, in my parent’s minds they are the homicide detective for God…yeah…and I’m the crazy one.

I’m unsure how to deal with my mother and father’s complete lack of propriety.  I think it may be time for me to write The Letter.  Every Ex-Mormon has to write a “The Letter” at some point explaining why they are no longer mormon. I thought I had a good enough relationship with my parent to avoid “The Letter.”  Apparently not.  I have no idea where began with writing “The Letter.”  Any advice in the comment section is welcome.  

One thing that is hard to remember in all this confusion is you’re out and you are going to be okay.  People will try to suck you back into the Mormon drama.  Don’t let them do it. 

Outliers

In my previous post I alluded to the fact I am somehow entangled in a sort of romantic relationship with a never-Mormon male.    And by “somehow entangled in a sort of romantic relationship” I mean…I’m dating someone.  I know, shocking!  How could a girl raised to believe her main purpose in life was to avoid fornication until marriage, then get married within 5 months to someone she sort of likes so she can go to the beautiful temple (which turned out to be a creepy cult temple,)  and spend the rest of her life caring for her 9 children… *Big Breath* ever date a guy who was not raised Mormon?  Well I’ll tell you how…by being herself.  Sound cliché? Yeah, like who else would I “be being”? 

I used to live a double life.   There was Emma the irreverent, loud, South Park watching, guitar playing, “move to NYC just because” Emma.  And then there was the Emma who would go to church because boys want me too, fake cry at testimony meeting so the RMs would see how obviously spiritual I was, and the “I want to have sex so I better lock one of these suckers down for eternity” Emma. Ay caramba!  I can’t believe I kept this act up for so long.  After being so completely confused about who I was it was impossible for me to find someone and like them for who they were.  Looking back, I get the feeling many of these men were fighting the same battles.

I met Alex at a guitar open mic. I was looking forward to an evening alone with my thoughts.  I even left my guitar in my car because I decided that night I would just observe.  While I was observing the music Alex was observing me... note I said observing me…not enchanted by me. 

 

“Wait you left your guitar in your car? You know it’s like -15 outside right now?” said Alex sort of amazed by my stupidity.  I then spent the better part of half an hour begging him to take a look at my guitar to make sure I hadn’t ruined it; after all, the thing had already been in a car wreck.(see: Car Wreck)  Alex knows a lot about guitar, and that is sexy.  We hung out quite a bit that week.  One night I realized I really like this guy…hold the applause.  Later that same night he told me he was still living with his Ex-Girlfriend.   Ouch….  Not only was I crushing on a never Mormon with a beard but I picked one that appeared to be taken.  Like any rational person I thought this would be the perfect place to bow out. 

But, my friends, there are two sides to every story.  Alex’s situation is weird especially to a Mormon girl who could not image sharing a stick of gum with a man much less an apartment. But after he explained how he was in the situation and I decided to treat it like a yellow light instead of a red light. I assure you, reader, the situation is not as bad as it sounds.

When I first met Alex he did not fit my “list.”  He is a year younger than me, quieter than me, knew nothing about Mormons, and drinks a fair amount of beer. (To be fair any amount of beer to me is a “fair amount.”)  May I just say something about the list.  It’s stupid!  Throw it away.  Relationships really can be fun without all of the DTRs. (Define the Relationships)  I can date Alex and I don’t have to know where it’s going.  I’m enjoying the ambiguity.   I’m learning to just relax and not put the cart before the horse…or should I say handcart before the exhausted dying pioneer. 

When you leave the church it is important to expect and accept outliers.  People outside the church not "normal". Relationships are not "normal".  They have kids with people they used to date, or live together for years, or have “open relationship.” Casual sex, and divorce is not as common as you think.  People outside the church take their time getting to know each other.  They live together and share everything before they share a last name.  When you are in the church that sounds so awful.  It’s actually wonderful because the pressure to get your rocks off is not there.  The relationship is really just about you two and not your need to fuck balanced with your need to please God.

If there is one piece of advice I can give to you, poor frightened Mormon girl or boy, on dating outside the cult it is this.  Focus on you.  Don’t prowl like you surely have been.  Go out and try new things.  Get involved in activities you like. Find that part of you that you have been ashamed of and test it out with people.  You will be surprised at just how likeable the natural man is.