Sunday, April 27, 2014

Dinner and a Show

What do you do when you are sitting in a crowded restaurant with your parents, who are probing you for information about your sex life, and suddenly you father yells at the top of his lungs, “What if you get pregnant?” I’ll tell you what you don’t do.  You don’t do nothing.  You stand your ground and yell, “Dad it is none of your Goddamn business!”  Then you grab your coat and get out of there before security shows up.  

Yes!  That did happen to me last night. How did you guess?  I have spent a day and a half absolutely disgusted with my father.  I’m learning in the real world it is considered rude to ask someone, “when are you getting married?”, “Why don’t you have kids”, and “Tell me about you sex life.” Not so in the Mormon community.  These are all perfectly acceptable question of any person at any stage in their life.   Mormons are always nosing around in each other’s business.

“Did you see Brother Badapple not take sacrament this week?  They better send him on a mission fast.”

“I saw Sister Totesguilty come out of the bishops office crying. Looks like she is not going on the temple trip.”

MIND YOU OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS…*Cough*…excuse me.  I remember one time, while I was in the gooey transition between Mormon and not so Mormon, sitting in the back seat of a car with one of these judgment sweethearts. She was ranking which men in the ward were “steller” priesthood holders and which were lazy and unworthy priesthood holders. 
“Brother Kissass and Brother Noseynice are stellar worthy priesthood holders but Brother Latetochurch and Brother Forgotatie are not.  They just don’t have enough good stuff, you know?”

Here are men giving 10% of their money, 40% percent of their time, and 100% of their sexuality to the church and they are still sub-par priesthood holders.  The sad truth is, no one is ever good enough in church and you will be told this for the rest of your life.

This is where boundaries are so important.  (See: Coming out the IKEA Mormon closet) Your family and many of your friends will judge you. They will ask you those inappropriate questions and will be shocked if you tell them to nose out.  They will even tell you that YOU are the one being crazy.  My parent looked at me like my outburst came out of nowhere.  Granted there are better ways to handle yourself then resorting to a shouting match.   They cannot understand how prying into their daughter’s sex life in the middle of a Chilis is inappropriate.  You have to look at them like you would children.  They are socially inbred and don’t know what they are saying.  In the church’s eyes, sex outside marriage and murder are the same level of sin.  So, in my parent’s minds they are the homicide detective for God…yeah…and I’m the crazy one.

I’m unsure how to deal with my mother and father’s complete lack of propriety.  I think it may be time for me to write The Letter.  Every Ex-Mormon has to write a “The Letter” at some point explaining why they are no longer mormon. I thought I had a good enough relationship with my parent to avoid “The Letter.”  Apparently not.  I have no idea where began with writing “The Letter.”  Any advice in the comment section is welcome.  

One thing that is hard to remember in all this confusion is you’re out and you are going to be okay.  People will try to suck you back into the Mormon drama.  Don’t let them do it. 


  1. I remember having a dinner like that with my folks. They were prying into my personal life, so I let them have it. I told them how the previous weekend I had an amazing romantic dinner, followed by watching a sexy movie while all snuggled up on my couch. From there I had a great time in the bath tub followed by marathon, chandelier swinging, spider monkey sex. Their jaws hit the table, but I wasn't done. I finished by saying, "Imagine how great it would have been if I had a partner!!".
    Ever since they regained consciousness...they have never asked me again.
    Love your blog. Thanks for posting.

    1. Spider Monkey sex? Need more info, please.

    2. LMFAO - I love it!

  2. I know your pain. Since telling my parents that I don't believe in Mormonism, it seems all they ever ask about is my sex life. Because they know I don't share their standards, my mother thinks I'm some filthy, porn addicted, misogynist. I decided early on that, because I am not at all ashamed of being sexually active, I would be straightforward about it they ever asked. To my parents, having sex with more than one woman somehow translates to a total lack of respect for women. They also seem overly concerned about my media consumption. Any time I go to an R-rated movie or read a book they've never heard of, they warn me about sexual content. They seem to think I'm seeking out sexual content to get off, or something. A story I now live to share was a product of their paranoia about my sexual activity. A few months ago, I began reading Betty Friedan's book "The Feminine Mystique." My mother had never heard of it, and when she saw it on my bed she immediately called me to give me a lecture on how pornography isn't always images and can be in books and I shouldn't read such filthy things and... imagine her surprise when I explained to her what the book is actually about. I cannot wait to move out

  3. My only advice for "the letter" is to make sure and use YOU words, that don't make them defensive. You can let them know you respect their life choices, even if you don't agree with them, and you would appreciate the same from them.
    Set boundaries, let them know your sex life, your underwear, whatever that mormons think is totally appropriate to confront others on that totally isn't, are off limits. They are your parents, so they may worry, but you are a grown woman and their invasive questions are not acceptable.

  4. I couldn't agree more. Chili's is no place for sexual inquiry, that's what Olive Garden is for.

  5. This is one time I'm glad my parents do the typical mormon mindset of "If I don't talk about it, everything is fine." Or maybe it's because I'm divorced with kids already so the single daughter with no kids isn't an issue. If they only knew my sex life post divorce....oh wait, I'm glad they don't know. I'll just leave them to think my ex husband is the reason I left the church.

  6. I went through the same thing as a teenager. If I knew what I know now, I would have done things differently. I can't say the outcome will be pleasant. However, it feels less painful. First I would google what you can about cults. Because this is what you are dealing with. Cult mind control otherwise known as thought reform. Your parents are not acting on their behalf. They are merely instruments of the cult and no longer even have their own identity. If you choose to tell them they are in a cult, it will be a huge distraction for them. Nothing is worse to them than being told they are in a cult. It trumps everything including a sexually active daughter. I guarantee it will take the focus off of your sexuality if you follow up with encouraging them to think about what a cult is and point out all the details of what constitutes a cult. They may pretend to listen or go to the other extreme and get extremely angry. Both are tools they have been taught to block out any doubt they may have about their faith. What you are really dealing with here is cult behavior and my advice is to read up on it.

  7. No-one can, obviously, put words in your mouth when it comes to writing the Letter. However, if I were you, I would probably start by saying that I love them, but I just can't believe like they do, and then tell why. I'd continue by explaining that there are people who are different from them, but they're still not evil as long as they don't hurt anyone by the choices they make (and hurt pride/common butt hurt "just because" isn't exactly harming other people, as it's not my responsibility to take care of other people's feelings and if someone doesn't like my choices, they are free to leave the situation because no one is forcing anything on anyone there), also stating that I cannot tell them to believe this - like they cannot tell me what to believe, because that is simply no-one's business. I'd then thank them for the good things they taught me and the good things I learned from the bad and suffocating things as well, and would tell them that I am an adult who asks my loved ones to either respect my choices and love me as I am, or take their distance. I'd tell them they have behaved inappropriately and that I feel bad because of it. I'd say am not sorry for mistakes I don't feel to be mistakes or which I never made, and I just want to be happy. I'd tell them I hold no grudges (supposing I actually didn't - if I did, I'd tell them that), and hope that they won't do that either, but in the end, it's their choice, as this is mine.

    That's what I would say. Your Letter probably would be different. But feel free to use anything I've said here if it applies to your situation.

    1. * I'd say I am not sorry

      typo day, whee