When I first left the church I started this blog. I shared it with my good friend Roberta(see: peek out the Mormon Closet). She really enjoyed the stories but…
“You make us sound Amish.” Roberta said
About a month later she hit her own breaking point. She was living in Paris and felt like she was
missing out. She decided it was time to take a peek outside the Bubble.
“OH MY GOSH WE ARE AMISH!” She said.
“I know,” I said.
You don’t know how much you don’t know until you leave. When I was in Paris I went to a lovely Crêpe
restaurant with a man. Sebastian was
not Mormon but was fascinated with the culture. We talked a lot about the church. I told him how I was not sure I believed it,
but I was fairly sure I couldn't leave.
Honestly I’m not sure how people outside the church live. His eye fell
on me with pity.
“Yoou are so disarmed
from ze world. Life iz beautiful but I fear zat you will nevera see zat,” Seabass said
This stuck with me long after the egg fromage. I couldn't stop wondering what he meant. Disarmed?
I get the world. I have been a
part of the world my whole life. Haven’t
I? I pondered my life, friends, work,
schooling and everything…It all went back to the church. Still I was happy… wasn't I? My stomach
turned as I contemplated. There were dark times too. Disarmed?
As my trip continued I had many more eye opening experiences
(see: To the Vatican). When I got
home from the trip I pulled back the certain on the history of Joseph Smith. I could never go back. When you decided to
leave the church your moral spine is ripped out of your body. Suddenly all the things you never dared to do
are an expectation. Drinking, Sex,
Relationships, Love, Coffee, Clothing, Underwear, Music, Movies, Sundays, they
all take on new meaning.
I’m learning what he meant by disarmed. What you don’t know
CAN hurt you. When I first decided to drink alcohol I found a guy online who
said he would gladly help me learn how to drink. Oh how nice of him. NOO! I learned. Some
people use alcohol to try and make woman sleep with them. Men can be very sneaky. I’m not used to the seduction patterns of sexually
active men. I have had many guys try to
emotional sneak attack me into the sack.
There are no rules anymore.
No reason for me to be a good person. When I watch a movie and there is nudity I
don’t look away. I borrowed two books
from the hospital and did not give them back.
I swear all the time now. I only
ware revealing clothing. I used to be nice to everyone even if they were weird.
NOW I avoid the awkward people. I used
to go on a date with any boy that asks. NOW I say NO to dates with guys if I
don’t like them. Every time I go to the store I see Cosmo girl and I read the
cover. I even contemplated doing a one night stand. tho I just barely learned
how to take my clothes off. Maybe I should
go buy a sex magazine. Ha Ha! If I got pregnant maybe I would get an abortion. My
moral compass feels so out of whack. Funny that I consider these things to be evidence
of my degradation. I have this new responsibility to decide what I think is
right and wrong. My CTR ring can’t help
me anymore.
Heya sweetie!! I'm so excited for you to begin figuring out what your moral compass is and why. It's such an exciting, revealing, and wonderful journey! The best part is that you will discover what it means to truly act on your own, without being told what is good and bad.
ReplyDeleteIf I may share some words I once read that had a huge impact on me: "You are a conduit through which all that has been, flows toward all that will be." Your actions do matter in the grand scheme of things, whether they are good or bad, they will make a difference.
The website I found this on was www.reasoned.org. It was very intereseting to read all of the parts. The full quote goes like this:
“Humanity, as a whole, is the result of the actions of every person that has ever lived; and is in a state of constant, gradual transition…”
“A person, as a physical entity, exists for only a moment in the dynamic organism that is humanity; but as a part of human existence, you are a conduit through which all that has been, flows toward all that will be. Your actions, no matter how insignificant they may seem to you, contribute toward determining the destiny of mankind; you alone decide whether your influence is positive or negative.”
Love you babe.
My grandma died last summer and left me her CTR ring to remember her by. I wear it daily, and have changed the letters to mean "Continue to Resist."
ReplyDeleteIf you ever come across it again, think of those words instead :)
It's exiting isn't it, to really discover the true self. However when moving forward, and although it sometimes sounds tempting, it's not mandatory to do everything unlike you did in your morg days. Now you really have the option to choose how you want to live and take care of your relationships. Choosing to keep some of the old ways is also an option, but the fact that it's your personal choice rather than imposed on you by an abusive organization makes all the difference. The responsibility is yours and yours alone so make the choices count and remember it's you who has to live with those choices for the rest of your life.
ReplyDelete