When I first left the church I started this blog. I shared it with my good friend Roberta(see: peek out the Mormon Closet). She really enjoyed the stories but…
“You make us sound Amish.” Roberta said
About a month later she hit her own breaking point. She was living in Paris and felt like she was missing out. She decided it was time to take a peek outside the Bubble.
“OH MY GOSH WE ARE AMISH!” She said.
“I know,” I said.
You don’t know how much you don’t know until you leave. When I was in Paris I went to a lovely Crêpe restaurant with a man. Sebastian was not Mormon but was fascinated with the culture. We talked a lot about the church. I told him how I was not sure I believed it, but I was fairly sure I couldn't leave. Honestly I’m not sure how people outside the church live. His eye fell on me with pity.
“Yoou are so disarmed from ze world. Life iz beautiful but I fear zat you will nevera see zat,” Seabass said
This stuck with me long after the egg fromage. I couldn't stop wondering what he meant. Disarmed? I get the world. I have been a part of the world my whole life. Haven’t I? I pondered my life, friends, work, schooling and everything…It all went back to the church. Still I was happy… wasn't I? My stomach turned as I contemplated. There were dark times too. Disarmed?
As my trip continued I had many more eye opening experiences (see: To the Vatican). When I got home from the trip I pulled back the certain on the history of Joseph Smith. I could never go back. When you decided to leave the church your moral spine is ripped out of your body. Suddenly all the things you never dared to do are an expectation. Drinking, Sex, Relationships, Love, Coffee, Clothing, Underwear, Music, Movies, Sundays, they all take on new meaning.
I’m learning what he meant by disarmed. What you don’t know CAN hurt you. When I first decided to drink alcohol I found a guy online who said he would gladly help me learn how to drink. Oh how nice of him. NOO! I learned. Some people use alcohol to try and make woman sleep with them. Men can be very sneaky. I’m not used to the seduction patterns of sexually active men. I have had many guys try to emotional sneak attack me into the sack.
There are no rules anymore. No reason for me to be a good person. When I watch a movie and there is nudity I don’t look away. I borrowed two books from the hospital and did not give them back. I swear all the time now. I only ware revealing clothing. I used to be nice to everyone even if they were weird. NOW I avoid the awkward people. I used to go on a date with any boy that asks. NOW I say NO to dates with guys if I don’t like them. Every time I go to the store I see Cosmo girl and I read the cover. I even contemplated doing a one night stand. tho I just barely learned how to take my clothes off. Maybe I should go buy a sex magazine. Ha Ha! If I got pregnant maybe I would get an abortion. My moral compass feels so out of whack. Funny that I consider these things to be evidence of my degradation. I have this new responsibility to decide what I think is right and wrong. My CTR ring can’t help me anymore.