Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Waiting For Godot

As we all know God has a plan for us.  Gods plan for me was to give up my dream of living in NYC,  move to Utah for my now ex-boyfriend, have no money left, move home to live in my parents basement, and to spend the 4th of July dancing around in a cow suit to sell Ice-cream.  I need a real job. I have been working for my parents in their Ice-Cream shop. I decided to go to a single ward activity to net-work.  I was driving down an unfamiliar driveway when SMASH. My windshield shattered. I hit a low hanging tree branch.  God was punishing me.

 “This is satin trying to pull you away. God can’t protect you if you don’t go to church.” My father reminded me

I am trying to pull my life together but I feel like I’m swimming in a giant casserole dish of green Jello.  My mom let me barrow her car.  My mind was racing as I drove. I could not think of one good thing in my life.  Why God do you hate me so much?  Why did you break my windshield?  Maybe my parents were right.  God is upset with me for leaving the church.  Maybe he does have a plan for me and I’m disappointing him?  Just as I was entering the city Seth called.(See: Cliff diving delusions)  I begged him to come with me to the activity even though I knew he had tons of homework to do. When I went to pick him up I vomited all of my feelings on him. How God was punishing me. Maybe I should stay Mormon. talked me down and reminded me that these things happen.

At the party I turned off my crazy lady ramble and turned on my charming charismatic I’m-not-a-crazy-person banter.  I need these people to like me so I can get a job.  It worked. One boy offered to pass on my resume and even give me a tour of his amazing company. I told him I would think about it.

“Think about it?”  Seth said

“Well, yeah.  I’m just not sure if it is where I’m supposed to be.” I told him

“I don’t understand.  He is offering to help you.  Isn't that why you drove all the way out here?  Why won’t just look into it?”, said Seth

I was waiting for a sign.  That feeling that would tell me this was my next move.

The next night I was sitting alone my parent’s basement.  Sad that God had shattered my windshield.  Pondering why God told me move to Utah. Confused by Gods choice to lead me to my situation. Then I remember something Seth had said to me.

“It is really empowering when you can take credit for the good things you have done in your life.”

Something clicked in me. I floated to the ceiling and was looking down at my pathetic body.  Sitting alone on a Friday night.  Oh I don’t have a real Job, Oh I crashed my car again, Oh I gave up everything for a man who broke my heart.  Wake up! Did God earn you the money to go to Europe? No! Did God help you move to NYC and find an apt for only 300 bucks a month in Manhattan? NO! You did that.  Did God give you the grades to get into BYU and the talent to be in all those shows?  No, you worked your ass off in school. I have spent my entire life giving God all the credit.  I had not even applied for one job in a month. There was someone who I found who was willing to help me.  I put myself out there and something good happened! Why was I was hesitating. I have been paralyzed, waiting for Godot to tell me my next move.

Isn’t it possible that all those “feelings” I have had that guided me to a successful life really came from me? And all those bad things that happened in my life came from choices I made. Choices to trust people who I shouldn’t have.  The trials I face are not designed to make me stronger.  They are just things that happen and I have to choose how I deal with them.  Instead of worrying about Choosing the Right I need to just Choose and take responsibility for my actions. Maybe Gods hands are not in ALL things? Maybe we are the masters of our fate? Maybe I just didn’t see that tree branch?


  1. Ahhhhhrg! This post REALLY hits home. Thank you for posting, writing, and sharing. I need to learn to take a stand. I keep waiting for some magic warm-fuzzy-ness. Maybe I should just.. live my life? Take charge? Choose, and be okay with my choices? We can DO that?
    You've given me a lot to think about. Thanks.
    -- soon-to-be-exmo

  2. Here is something I wrote that is related to your thoughts here. Did You Get Your Answer?"

  3. I can totally relate to this, back in January of '12 I began graduate school and one of the first classes I had discussed the whole idea of cognitive dissonance, basically I was feeling uncomfortable in my current environment because I knew that I didn't believe what those around me were telling me. Anyway I put this to the test, I told my wife at the time that I didn't believe in the church and I didn't actively "pray" to God about any of my tests, I figured if I got bad grades that I would have my answer, but lo and behold I got the best GPA of my life, because I studied my butt off and didn't rely on anyone other than myself.

  4. Thats amazing! It's cool when you can finally take responsibility for the good you do. Not always giving God the credit is one of the frist steps of leaving. It's hard when you have to take responsibility for your life.

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