A Plan of Salvation?

Since leaving the Mormon faith I have driven up a winding road of unnatural events.  I have sat in bars and drank till I was drunk,  I have made friends with people I used to fear,  I have had sex, and now I even find myself (Spoiler Alert!) entering some sort of actual romantic relationship with a man who is not at all a “Mormon”.   I will be expanding on the interesting dynamic of NON-Mormon love making, but for now I find myself somewhat bothered.   There is a tiny thought nagging my brain.  Nothing huge...just,“What is the meaning life?”  Up until now I always knew what the meaning of life was.  It is a test to find out what planet you will live on for eternity.  If you are good you get your very own planet like Jesus….long pause….

So it looks like my old system of understanding life has expired.  Something feels lost in my physique.  It’s not God and I’m not at all cheesy enough to say it is love. So what is it?  What is it that keeps me up at night staring the ceiling feeling… blank?  In many ways you miss the simplicity’s of Mormon living.  I knew the meaning of life.  Every day I knew why I was here and where I was going.  Now I’m driving in loops.  

This week I believe I experienced my first midlife crisis.  And like any good midlife crisis it manifested it’s self in a car.  This car to be precise.  

For some reason I was enamored with the thought of owning this very expensive sports car.  I imagined myself driving it to my family reunion looking accomplished.  I imagined driving down the road catching everyone’s eye.  I even imagined driving it to the singles ward and showing off what not paying tithing can do.  For about a week I stared at this photo thinking how my life would be better with this car.  If day dreaming felt this good imagine how amazing it would feel to have my foot clenching its gas pedal.  I have the money…or I could find it somehow.  I don’t have kids, so no need for 4 doors.  This thought almost felt sad but then I remembered how lucky I am NOT to be married to Pillsbury (See: Princess and the Penis). Perhaps buying this car would be a middle figure to the churches “live well within your means” and “get married ” mentality.   The car is not practical and is not a family car.  I can do what I want with my money now and more importantly my life.  Maybe what I want to do is drive. 

I didn’t hit me until I started cleaning out my boring old Toyota Corolla to sell it.   The strange thing is I can’t say what it was that hit me.  IT I guess was the realization that my life is empty and I am filling it with a Spice Orange bumper and white sport strips.  The car is beautiful.  No denying it.  It is 25 thousand dollars of fun.   But this car is not going to make up for a lifetime of purpose.   

I decided to do something I have not done in a long time.  I dug through some old boxes and found my patriarchtical blessing. (The Mormon blessing that tells you your future)  I used to read it all the time and it would give me comfort.  I have not looked at it in a year. 

“Well that was a mistake” I thought as my eyes filling with tears.  All that I accomplished was to awaken a deep longing to retrieve my old mindset.  I honestly miss it.  IT of course being that feeling of purpose. 

My friends who read this blog I’m stumped.  Every post I like to find some resolution.  Some sort of thought to tie up all the confusion.   I’m an active and engaging person.  My job is rewarding, my friends are fun, and my hobbies are extensive.  I am a writer and performer who feels alive and empty at the same time.  What am I doing here?  Why do I get up and go to work?  How do you find a reason for your existence and what keeps you moving forward?