Drive In

I got in my car after a night and day of doing “it” for the first time.  I let out a loud sigh leaned back in my seat and mentally gave myself a Top Gun High Five.  I blasted my radio singing, smiling all the way home.  It felt so good to take that step.  And it was even more rewarding to join the “I had Sex” club. I learned so much.  Sex is not like they show in the movies.  It’s not all slow-motion and dark, and mystical with an orchestra playing in the background.  A lot of it is just back and forth repetition.  Also I understand why there is so much pressure on men to perform.  Dahan was a stallion.  We played the Hokey Pokey for over an hour and I liked it.  We talked dirty to each other, and he showed me many fun positions.  It was all in good fun. 

“Now,” I thought “Who should I call to tell first?” slowly the smirk fell from my face.  All of my girlfriends are Mormon.  I’ll bet girls in high school who lose their virginity have friends they could brag to.  I bet they geeked out and celebrate the occasion.  But I had no girlfriends.  I tried but I was living at home still.  I’m not sure it would be totally appropriate for me to try and befriend my local tweens to talk about Sex.  I could feel that dark Mormon cloud creeping up on me again. The one that says, “Here is another thing we have stolen from you. Just like your sister’s wedding.”(see: Off White Wedding)  NO!  I thought and I started to drive faster.  I refused to be sad about this.  I will geek out about sex! 

After all that “doing it” I found myself craving some Arbys. It was late at night an no one was in line. As I was pulling through the drive thru I had a thought.  I’m going to tell the lady at the window that I lost my virginity.

Wanda opened her window.  “Hi, how we doin' tonight?” She said with the enthusiasm of a dying sloth.

“Great!”, I said, “Lost my virginity tonight!” Wanda gave an awkward smile, took my money and closed the window.  “Damn” I thought, “I just made an Ass of myself in front of Wanda at Arbys.”  The window opened again and Wanda’s floppy arm haphazardly delivered my roast beef.  She stopped for a moment looked around.  Then out of nowhere…

“I lost mine on my weddin’ night!  My husbands a Mexican and, let me tell ya girl he ain’t lazy!”  I busted up laughing.  Wanda and I gushed over our sexual misconceptions.  She told me all about her husband and I told her about the church and how big of a step this was.  “Well congrats girl!"  she said.  Honestly that was all I wanted to hear.

It felt so good to connect to people in this way!  The next day I decided to try two for two.  The lady at the bank was also very excited for me…and wondering if I had my account number.  I was glad I got to have my Sex and The City gush.  Even if it was with complete strangers.   I think it is important to celebrate great accomplishments and getting over my fear was huge. 

I had to call Roberta.  She is trapped in the church emotionally but she is still my best friend.  Her reaction was what I expected.  Faint excitement but mostly concern. “Well I’m glad you are happy.” She said.  I mostly called her to warn her.  Sex really is not a big deal.  Not a reason to get married.  Not the end of the world.  It’s an action.  I remember when people would say this to me back in my virgin days.  I never believed them, and sort of resented them.   I’ve come a long way from that small tortured girl.  I’ve had sex and it was wonderful.   So ladies when you finally decided to challenge the church and activate your sexuality. The next day when you are on your Stride of Pride(AKA Walk of Shame) knowing you have no one to brag to, remember ….I’m thinking Arbys.

V-Card Punched!

Well my friends I did it.  I did the deed.  The horizontal Mambo. The cat scratch meow.  I had SEXual relations!  It was ABSOLUTLY, UNDENIABLY, INDECSCIBABLY… an action. What?  Were you expecting me to tell you it completed me? That I am now a woman?  That I am one with this man?  That I am riddled with pain and guilt?  Of course you were because you were raised a Mormon. 

The expectation put on sex grows exponentially with age.  So as a 27 year old virgin I had placed sex on the same unattainable playing field as singing Scotland’s national anthem for the 3014 Mars Olympics.   It’s not just the action but the mystery behind sex that creates an unhealthy obsession for Mormons. So in this post I will be going into detail about my first experience having sex.  (EEEEEEUUUWWWWW!)

The first step when you decided to activate your sexuality is to decide how.  I don’t mean you should practice humping a pillow (though it couldn’t hurt).  You need to sit down and decided under what context you would like you V-card to be punched.  I decided I did not want my first time to be with a person I was romantic with.  The church had filled my head with many confusing rules and fears about sex (See: Couch Surfing Shame.)  I needed to separate the romantic and vulnerable component temporarily.  I was looking for someone I sort of liked who was patient, kind, and maybe Indian.  After all they did write the book on neat ways to have sex. 

 Dahan was sexy and fun to be with.  We had gone on 6 dates.  He had already made it clear he would like to have sex but was not looking for a relationship.  JACKPOT!  After a minor freak out (see: Couch Surfing Shame) I realized that this was exactly what I was looking for.  It is important to note, my readers, that this is what I needed in a first time.  But everyone is different.  And more importantly it’s okay to be different.

The night I was de-flowered I had NO intention of having sex with him…sort of. I felt guilty admitting what I really wanted.  I told him we could make out and that was it.  I said this but I also wore my sexiest underwear.  It has been a fantasy of mine to wear sexy underwear in front of a man and dance around really sexy for him.  We made out for a good 30 min before I informed him that I had on sexy underwear.

“oooh can I see it?”, He said

I stood up in front of him and unzipped my jeans.  I slowly pulled down one side of my paints so you could just see the lace from my panties.  Then I yanked my jeans back up, fell onto his bed and started laughing uncontrollably. 

“Ohhhhkay.” He said with a smile.

I repeated this about 3 times.  Eventually he asked me if maybe I would actually show him my underwear.  “I must be doing something right!” I thought.   I took a big breath and slowly removed everything but my bra and unders.  He told me I looked sexy and that gave me quite the confidence boost.   I then proceed to dance…I started with the Macarena, then moved to the Sprinkler and finished off with the ever popular Mormon Shopping Cart. (a dance where you mime walking down the aisle of a grocery store)  He laughed and then grabbed me and pulled me to the bed.  We made out for quite a while.  Then eventually he began pulling at the panties. 

“Okay” I said, “but remember our deal.  No sex.”

As soon as he tried to take off my bra I once again collapsed in on myself.  Suddenly his touch was too sensual.  And I did what I do best… laugh uncontrollably.  I was so overwhelmed by the experience I could not relax.  The poor man could not touch me without my body spasming.  Dahan went to his desk and grabbed a blindfold.  That helped a little but not much as I still was in a state of pleasant shock.  Eventually the underwear came off and I had accomplished nudity!   He began to do what boys do down there and the more he did it the less I cared about wearing clothing.  He asked if he could grab a condom.  I said it was fine as long as he did not go inside.  As we were going I changed my mind.  It's important to note I communicated to him that I was ready to go all the way. I wanted it all along but felt a ting of guilt for my "free thinking".   I wanted him inside me and so there went my virginity! 

I was a little worried about the ejaculation.  For those who don’t know that’s when a man’s penis is so happy it spits on you.  Of course he had a condom on but I still was frightened by this icky thing that can pregnantize you.   It was not that weird. When he was done um…poking me… the sperm was just in the condom.  I could see it.  His little Indian had shrunk down but you could see clearly no spermies had escaped because the condom was holding it all.   FEW!

*SIDE NOTE:  due to the sheltered nature of Mormon sex ED there is a common misconception that to be double sure you don’t get pregnant use two condoms. Or "dubble bag it".  WRONG!  Two condoms are more likely to break because the latex rubs together.  Use one good condom. 

 I was still nervous I got pregnant but I tried to calm that fear by reminding myself that EVERYONE, not just woman, worry about that after their first time.   You worry that maybe one sperm escaped and now you are with child.  Ask your doctor about contraception option.  Also it would be helpful to try and research sex and how it really works and STDs.  I never did this because I was too scared, but I should have(see: Cosmo Girl).  

I was surprised at how simple the act was.  It was just natural.  I did not fall in love with him as the church professed.  I felt no guilt.  But it was not the most sensational thing I have ever experienced as many Mormons build it up to be. Here is the funny thing.  I realized how very little I understand sex.  I thought once I had it I would just know EVERYTHING about it.  Sex jokes still go over my head. I still flinch if I see a naked man on TV.   I feel like I know even less about sex now than I did when I was a virgin. Luckily I have plenty of time to figure it out.

Sex is just sex.  It is what you make of it. It is not worth getting married for.  It is not better when God is involved. (Or as I call it “the holy trinity”)  It is not something to fear.  Approach sex responsibly.  It is not making out. It is not smart to have sex with a stranger.  STD and pregnancy change your life forever.  Have safe sex.  Have it as often as you are comfortable.  Most importantly have fun. 

CRAZY GIRL?

I wanted to take a moment and an address a tiny issue that many Mormons face.  Suicide…or suicide ideation, and mental health.  I come from a well-adjusted loving family, I have had a very successful life, I have hit speed bumps, but I have always found my way to my feet...eventually.   I’m out going, life of the party, fairly attractive, and full of energy.   I’m a lucky girl…and as a mormon I still craved death.

The attempt I made on my life (see: Life or Death) has hunted me for years.   After that I had the suicide hot-line on speed dial.  I wish I had not destroyed my suicide tape.  I want to know what I was thinking.  How could I believe that at age 23 I had passed my expiration date?   It’s not fair to completely blame BYU and Mormons. I had tons of fun and really learned a lot.  It is just hard for me to find another explanation for my behavior.  The guilt and shame of never being good enough (see: The PerfectProblem).  I was unloved by men because I did not fit the “mold” and was ostracized for my wit and independence.(see: Pink Pedestal)  Even being a campuses celebrity for my comedy did not stop the stares in church when I wore a dress that hugged my curves.  I saw a church therapist regularly.  I would cry and tell them how I felt so trapped and conflicted.  I was doing everything right and still struggled with my testimony. I remember one therapist who completely ignored my shameful struggle with sexual frustration.

“’I’m just worried Dr.”, I said sheepishly, “that I will marry men just so I can have sex.  I really want to have sex.”

“Nope!  Don’t even think about it.” She said, “It’s not good.  Marriage is very important.  Let me tell you a story.  My son may be getting a divorce.  Tragic! But I already have 5 woman lined up for him. God wants us to be married so just forget about sex…take a pottery class.”

Looking back I can honestly say… WTF! But at the time I didn’t know any better.   Trying to live your life according to someone else is destructive.  The constant judgment facilitated by the church and BYU kept me in a cycle of self-loathing.  It was only when my parents enrolled me into a non-mormon mental hospital that things got better. They worried what these therapist would say but knew without proper help I may try to "trip" off a tall building.  My father warned me not to discuss church while I was in therapy.  That they might try and pull me away.  They didn’t  try and pull me away, but they showed me that it was okay to wear a red dress (See: Spooky Mormon Hell Dream)

Even now as I have loosened the chains of Mormonism I still find myself thinking “I’m such a horrible person”.  This week I decide I was a horrible person because I let a man see my boobs.  Last week I was a horrible person because I did not let this same nice man see my boobs. (Here is where I slap myself on the forehead) I feel guilt but it is displaced.  I do not feel guilty engaging in sexual activities.  However, I do feel guilty educating myself on sexual activities.  

I only see non-Mormon therapists now.  I here tails of poor struggling souls running to their bishop to cash in on the free therapy program the church provides.  A fine program in many respects I’m sure.  Unfortunately, not the place to go when you want to leave the church.  That’s like breaking up with your boyfriend and then driving over to his house when you feel sad about it…IT DOESN'T WORK.   With the help of my non-mormon therapist I have been able to unclog many emotional drains.  Most recently my therapist has helped me come to grips with the terrifying notion that I can decide what sex means to me.  Going against everything the church has taught me I have decided that sex is an activity I would like to participate in with a friend.  I don’t want a lover, just someone patient who I trust.  And I’m fairly sure I have found him.  

In conclusion my friend YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  The pressure to have the perfect life sends many into a downward spiral.  No wonder UT has the highest rate for teen suicide and self-medicating.  If you are one of the many people who suffer from suicide ideation, depression, PTSD  I recommend you seek help.  All health plans cover mental health in some regard.   But mental health is not as simply taking a pill.  You have to want it.  Fight the negative thoughts, the pressure form church ideas, and the people who will try to “fix” you.  Meditate; get a massage; LEAVE YOUR ROOM!  Don’t be afraid of the world.  That is just playing into the churches hands.

I am now almost 8 months sober from the church.  I removed the noose from my neck and I’m shocked by how much air there is out here.  I thought I would die without the church.  Now I don’t know how I survived in it.  

Couch Surfing Shame

I came rushing to Seth’s door eager to talk but trying to play it cool.  Seth is the only ex-Mormon around, the only person who I felt would understand.(See: Waiting for Godot)  I came in, sat down and tried to carry on a normal conversation.  Nodding my head, fake laughing, the works. Hahaha. I was not going to tell him about what happened.  I needed to act cool, and mature and most importantly, I needed to not freak out.  But then he said, “How have you been?” My resolve left me.

“Seth!  I have to tell you something. It’s terrible.” I admitted.

“What’s wrong?” He said

“Well,” My face turned beet red.  I collapsed into myself and started to examine the insides of my elbows. “This guy wants to have SEX with ME!”

“Okay…” he said. I could feel his eyes fighting not to roll back into his head.

“Well isn’t that just awful?  What kind of guy tells a girl that?” I said, utterly appalled.

 “Back up.  Who is this guy?”  Seth asked.

“His name is Thomas.  We have gone on like 5 dates.  Last night he was acting like he wanted me to spend the night!  My friend told me not to tell any boys I’m a virgin because they might go crazy and chase me.  But I had to tell him.  He was saying stuff like ‘you should come over’ and ‘I would like to spend the night with you’ and ‘I would like to have sex with you.’ I can’t believe it.”   I said running out of breath.

“Alright and so what did you do?” He said, rubbing his forehead in distress

“Well I had to tell him that I was a virgin, and that I have never had sex before, and that I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m scared of his penis.”  At this point my face was plastered into the side of Seth’s couch.  Seth, who was now dripping with my emotional vomit, looked at me yet again at a loss for words.

“Emma, why are you acting like a child about this?” He asked.

“EXCUSE ME!  I am not.  He is the one who is talking about doing dirty stuff,” I exclaimed!

 “Did he force himself on you?”

“No.”

“Did whip his dick out and demand you to suck it?”

“Ewww gross.” I started giggling uncontrollably. Seth was unamused.

“Sex is not dirty. If a guy says he wants to sleep with you it does not make him bad guy.  If anything he is a really decent guy because he is communicating to you how he feels.  It is vulnerable asking a girl to spend the night.  You are putting yourself out there.  Do you like him?  Would you like to sleep with him?”

There was a long pause.  I did enjoy Thomas’s company and I found him to be very attractive.  “Well… I kind of do want to sleep with him” I admitted “but I don’t want to be his girlfriend.”

“Great! Good for you.” He said, his face at ease.

“But I don’t think I should because he said he is not looking for a commitment.”

His face distorted again, “But didn’t you just say you were not sure you wanted a relationship?”

“Well no…yeah.  I just want him to really like me… you know… I just don’t want to like him.  I really don’t want to get attached to a guy AND have sex with him too.”

“Well that’s not fair,” said Seth. “You can’t put that kind of backward expectation on someone…Alright…you obviously have a lot on your mind.  I need to get ready for class but I want you to ask yourself something.  You ready?”

“Okay” I answered nervously.

“You have never had sex before but you want to date men outside the church and you want to actually have sex with them right?”

“Yes.” I said like a good student.

“So ask yourself this:  What does sex mean to you?” Then Seth went into his room to get ready for class.

My forehead crumpled.  In all my years of sexual misfortune and frustration I never once thought about what sex meant to me.  I always just believed what the church told me sex meant.  That it is a powerful connection only reserved for those who were married.  That it was only enjoyable with God and that sex outside of marriage tears apart your soul.  And that your soul can only be healed after a full year of shaming from your bishop.  I know that the church has lied a lot about its history…perhaps they were lying about sex.  I have been naked in front of men and not felt guilty. So now it was time to re-evaluate what sex meant to me.

Flashback sparked one right after another.   Sex was watching my friends leave me and join the married ward.  Sex was not being able to relate to them anymore because I was still a virgin. Sex was feeling inadequate and uneducated. Sex was a stream of secondhand secrets only discussed with those who were lucky enough to find love.  Sex was watching beautiful Mormon woman settle for gungy fat men who were “nice”.  Sex was hearing stories of woman crying in the bathroom on their honeymoon.  Sex was a competition to be the first wife in heaven. Sex was avoiding non-mormon men.   Sex was breaking up with a man I liked because I feared he watched porn.  Sex was almost marrying a judgmental man with greasy skin convincing yourself you’re in love.  Sex was forcing yourself to be someone you’re not.  Sex was confusing as shit!

“Hey, I got to get to class.” said Seth, snapping me back to reality. I grabbed my coat and slowly walked to the door.

“I know what I want sex to mean to me.” I said with  a vengeance.

“Oh yeah?” he said “what’s that?”

“I don’t want it to mean a damn thing.”

To be continued...