Bedtime Story

Congratulations to me!  I have been sexual active for about 5 months.  I recently crossed into a new realm of sexual enjoyment, and I’m going to tell you all about it…aww yeah! 

Alex and I clicked. (See: Outliers) Finding a guy who understood my ex-religious turmoil was rare. Since he was still in the closet as an ex-catholic, he related well to me. Not only do I find him fiendishly attractive, but I also really like his personality. He genuinely makes me laugh, we have many common interests and he seems like an all-around good guy. But there was a tiny road block standing between us. Sex. You see, at this point I have had sex with two men. Both Dahan and Brian were nice enough guys, however, the only part about them I really cared for was the part between their legs. Though I was having sex with them, I kept both men at arm’s length. I wouldn't spend the night and purposely had an air mattress so an overnight guest would be impossible. Our “dates” usually started as a movie but would quickly turn to banging, and then going home.  And that just fine with me.

So, needless to say, my walls shot straight up with Alex. We didn’t even kiss for about a week. One night we stayed up till about 3:00 in the morning just talking. 

“Well I better get going.” I said.

“If you want you could stay the night?” replied Alex, and although there was no expectation in his voice, I knew what overnight meant and grabbed my keys.

Later that week I stopped by again. Alex made the first move by putting his arm around me.  Then, when the sexual tension was too much to bear, Alex went in for the kill. We began making out hard. But then Alex’s hands migrated down to the zipper on my blue jeans. I jumped off the couch and left Alex in the push up stance.

“You okay?” he asked,

“Yeah, I just think I had better get going.” I said.  His face was complete confusion so I figured I had better explain. “Sorry I really want to…you know…do all that….stuff, but it’s just that I actually find you really attractive.” I said apologetically.

Alex's head fell with disappointment for a moment and then looked back at me even more confused than before.  “Wait, what?”

“Yeah is just that I like you so I don’t think we should do anything…you know…”  I said

“I’m sorry I just don’t understand…you like me? You find me attractive? And for that reason you don’t want to have sex?”

“Right.”  I affirmed, relived he understood. “Whelp!  I better get going.” And with that I yet again left him sitting alone on his couch. 

A few days later Alex came over.  It did not take long for me to jump on top of him and force my mouth on his mouth. He smelled so good and his short, sexy beard grazed the tender skin of my neck.  I was digging my lips into his and thrusting my pelvis. Back and forth and back and -Suddenly Alex slapped his hand to his forehead, “I don’t understand how this is any different from having sex.” He said (almost to himself.)

I instantly curled up into a ball at one end of the couch. I didn't know what to say. I was scared. We talked about it and I guess I said something that sort of made sense.  Alex seemed okay with my reason for not popping out my ta tas.  But…as I was sitting looking at him a phrase from my good friend Devin came to mind.

“Look, you are going to make mistakes, but that’s how you learn.  You can’t live your life afraid that you’ll screw up.  If you do that, you might as well go back to church.”

I took a moment to collect my thoughts.  I did like this guy. I wanted to have sex with him for the enjoyment of it. I guess I was just worried that I would instantly fall in love with him, and I knew I couldn’t control if he was one of those guys who just want to bang me and then never talk to me again. I knew it was highly likely he would be this way due to the fact that he was not a Mormon and we all know how “devious” any non-Mormon man is when it comes to sex!  But, if he was willing to stick around this long, maybe he actually wasn’t an evil sex fiend.  With the conclusion of that thought I popped my shirt off and he chased me into the bedroom where we, eventually, had really great sex. It actually didn't take too long. Just about a half an hour of me lying face down on my air mattress in my underwear scared shitless and then another half hour where I learned that not all penises are created equal.

Some are much… much…bigger.

Alex and I are, to my surprise, still seeing each other.  He is not bored with me just because he fucked me.  I did not “fall in love” with him.  In fact, the next morning I almost felt indifferent to him.  Sure, I still liked him, but if he never called again I knew would move on.   The sex was good and I was glad I at least got to...how you say..."tap that.”

So what have I learned from all this you may ask?  I learned that waiting to have sex until your wedding night is a gamble.  You are giving your hormones too much power in the situation.  It’s better to get the sex straightened out so you can focus on the more important aspects of your relationship.  Maybe if it gets really serious you’ll deflate the small air mattress and get a real queen size bed for two. 

The Seven Stages Out of Mormonism

Everyone who leaves the church has an extraordinary journey.  The kind of journey that should be made into a Focus Feature Film with slow emo music and contrasting dark and bright lighting.  Although all of our stories are different there are a few common experiences.  So without further ado I wanted to introduce the 7 stages of leaving the Mormon church.    

#1  The Big Bang:  You’re on the threshold of a nervous breakdown. You have done everything right.  You are trying to "feel" the spirit but the pressure to satisfy your innocuous curiosity finally gets the better of you.  You want to know (definitively) why you must live this way. The fear of the bishop is just not strong enough to stop you.

#2   The Never Ending Story:  Your head is spinning as your eyes scan page after page of history.  You cross reference everything you have ever learned at church with the facts you have now discovered. You spend hours reading and neglect your responsibilities. You keep going over it again and again. How could they do this? How could you be so blind? 

#3   The Experiments:  Eventually you toss the books aside and, like a maimed corpse, you just can't look at it anymore. Though it takes time, you eventually start getting your life back together. You can't get the thoughts out of your head.  You try and bite your tongue but you can't help it.  Everything you say is laced with bitterness about the church. You can't even look at a temple without putting one finger in the air.    

#4  Survivors Guilt: You wake up and look at all of your Mormon friends. Your heart breaks as you watch them struggling with all these "problems" put on them by church culture.  Dating and marriage seem to be the only things they can think about. You wonder what made you so special that you got out, and perhaps even try desperately to help them.  Send them links to website or post things on Facebook. It won’t matter though, they won’t listen. Your life is still a mess of cognitive dissonance but at least you see the light at the end.   

#5  Hey I'm Normal!:  You start to meet other people.  Many of whom have never heard of Mormonism. You mouth runs wild with stories of your crazy cult up-bringing.  You enjoy the attention but feel alone.  These people really can't understand you. You may start to miss your old Mormon community.  But soon realize going back is not an option for you. You go out of your way to meet other Ex-Mormons like yourself.  They are the only people who can understand what you have been though...at least that's what you think.  

#6  Oh I'm Normal: You have learned to control your motor mouth about the church.  Slowly a night drinking at the bar does not feel so out of place. You realize that though many people won’t understand the constraints of Mormonism they do know what it is like breaking away from expectations. You still have much to learn about the real world but at least you feel like you belong. 

#7  Somewhat Freedom The dust is settling in your life.  You have begun to think of Mormonism as something in your past.  It will occasionally creep in but you are learning to pacify your anger towards the church.  You still feel bad for those who are still trapped but you have so many new friends that it lessens the pain.  You remind yourself you were smart enough to question.  You were strong enough to fight back. You were brave enough to stand tall.  Not everyone can be as brave as you