Pool Game? Wait... no. There are no balls. What is this? On closer inspection I saw the pool table was covered. At both ends were cups filled half way with alcohol. One man had a small white ball that he threw at the other end. It bounced off the rim and rolled onto the floor. Oh my goodness…this must be BEER PONG! I have heard of this game before. A common drinking game for the non-chosen people. Would you believe that I live in the beer drinking capital of the world and had never seen a game of beer pong? I felt somewhat privileged to be witnessing it. I wonder how many Mormons have ever seen this. It was fascinating. I found it odd that this little white ball would roll around on the grimy dirty floor and then land in a cup of beer… and then they would drink it! They fooled themselves by placing it in a cup of water that probably has more germs then the floor.
I was not at this bar to point out the obvious hygienic flaws of beer pong. My goal was to have a conversation with someone. Preferably a girl. I need a girl friend who is not Mormon to show me the ropes. In Mormon land I had tons of girlfriends. I have nothing to offer a woman of the world. Men seem to like to talk to me because of the whole sex thing. I had been using online dating to meet people(or should I say ceeple). In Mormon world I am really outgoing and popular. I knew the rules in Mormon land. I was in the outer darkness now and all the woman travel in packs. I had heard that it is okay for woman to go to a bar alone and talk to people. But it did not seem to work for me. This was the fifth bar I had been to that night standing alone. (Later someone pointed out to me it works best if I actually sit at the bar and order a drink. How was I supposed to know that!) A really pretty Asian woman walked by me. In my head I shouted “Be my friend. Talk to me!” But she didn't even notice me.
I was about to try my luck elsewhere when a very bearded man started drunkenly flirting with me. Great. Just what I need. Another creeper. He was playing beer pong and he suggested to me that I talk to his opponents to distract them. Okay here is my opening. I walked up to the men at the other end of the table. Just act natural.
“Hi” I said, “That guy told me to flirt with you.”
It worked! I started having a conversation with one of the young men.
“You have never seen beer pong before!?”, He said
“ha ha.” Don’t mention your Mormon, “What are you doing in the city?” Nice cover, me
“I’m getting my degree. Where did you go to school?” he said
“Ah…” Don’t mention your Mormon. “Out west. It was fun. I also lived in New York City. I’m new in town.”(lies! I grew up here. But I grew up on the other side of the Vail)
“Oh well you’re in the beer capital of the world now so you have a lot to learn. Hey we are about to start the next game but my friends over there are cool. You should go talk to them. That’s Mattie. She is new in town too.”
A girl! A real non-Mormon Woman! Gosh how is my hair? Okay relax and just strike up a conversation. About what? She is sitting alone texting on her phone. I just need an opening line. How do men do it? Um… hey baby…or you look familiar…or did you fall from Heaven? Golly! In Mormon land I would just talk to her about anything but I was so tong tied. I sat next to her for about 5 min drumming my finger nails and biting my lip. What to say? Hello, have you read the Book of Mormon? AH! No. How about something about her clothing?
As I was fidgeting trying to find the courage to talk she got up and left. Well I blew it. There goes my one chance at a woman friend. She went over and started talking to the Beer Pong Guy. He pointed at me and she came back.
“Hi. I’m Mattie.”
What I wanted to say, “Mattie! Thank God! I have so many questions. Do all men just want sex? Should I watch Porn? How do you drink beer? How do I use a dildo? Will I get an STD if I touch a guy’s dick? Should I take birth control now? Are all men mean? I met a guy on line who told me if I want a nice boyfriend I should go back to the Mormon Church. Have you ever had a boyfriend? What happens when you get drunk? I drank coffee last week. Ha! Do you like Sex? I’ve never had it, but I know a guy who would have sex with me if I wanted. Is a guy hitting on you if he says he wants to make you scream? What if he says, ‘I want to put your feet in his mouth?’ Why would he want to put my feet in his mouth? Should I let him put my feet in his mouth?”
But instead I just said “Hi”, Smooth move me.