Ten years ago my sister did something absolutely awful. She auditioned for MTV's The Real World. Where did she audition you ask? LA?...NYC?...Nope. Try BYU. She auditioned on BYU campus. Thats right! the same people who later scrutinized her and kicked her out. It was painful as a young girl watching my sister deal with all the negative publicity. And the worst offenders were Mormons. I remember one morning she left her E-mail open on the computer. I thought it would be fun to read some of her fan mail. Instead I found myself cringing and quickly hitting the X. An 18 year old young woman president took on the responsibility of chastising my sister. One man said my sister deserved to stand over my fathers grave and know she killed him. Why? because she was on MTV! Julie received a lot of flack over an article published in the New York Times. The article stated that "Gordon B. Hinckley may hold the keys to the church but Julie holds the microphone". It hurt me to see this religion I loved so much treat my sister with such distaste.
I recently spent three hours on a very popular radio station. I was on the show for my comedy and being a ex-Mormon woman in a not mormon world. We talked about drinking, drugs, sex, and banjos. Thousands of people in my local city heard my show. Including Mormons. Luckily I have a sister who has a lot of experience with a fame and Mormons. She advised me to "speak as if a Mormon was in the room." I talked about myself as a non-Mormon and avoid touchy subjects but never denying how I perceived the religion. The DJ's were fascinated. Part of the show was to go on a date with a non-mormon man...and get drunk. They recorded the date and played it on the air. It was said to be one of the best dates they have ever had. Mostly because I made it very entertaining with no intention of finding love. I had a blast and practiced a little of my stand up. ( you can find my date under the cloud on Fish in the https://soundcloud.com/fishinthemorning/sets/the-3rd-wheel )
After the show aired I got a few messages from my Mormon cohorts. Phrases like "disappointed in you" and "you will be sorry" swam in my Facebook inbox. These notes gave me flashbacks to messages my sister Julie got after she did her show. I remember being curled up on the couch crying. I was so young and I could not understand why the church was being so mean to my her. She didn't do anything wrong. If anything she held fast to her "morals" in New Orleans. I remember being at EFY and my friend told me that one of the counselors was talking bad about my sister. He was telling his kids how Julie was a bad influence and we should not look at her as a good Mormon.
I was livid. One thing Mormons do well is love our families. I would not let some stupid camp leader talk smack about sister. I walked right over to him with the courage and furry of a Nephite. I was going to give this jerk a peace of my mind. I planned a powerful speech, walked right up to him. Once I there did the most vicious thing a 14yr old could do to this man. I cried. I was balling my eyes out yelling heaving for breath as I yelled "Hey! my sister is a good person..sniffle haaungg..and you should not..sniffil...You should not...YOU...snort ...YOU SHOULD NOT SAY MEAN THINGS ABOUT MY BIG SISTER!" I was having a little meltdown right in the middle of class. How wonderful this must have looked. A 23 year old man making a 14yr old girl heave and shake. Ha ha ha I showed him.
Like any truly brainwashed Mormon, I have thought almost every day about going back to church. Not because I miss it, but because this new world I live in so strange. I miss the familiar. I am in a constant state of panic and guilt. Mormonism feel to me like The Real World. No matter how many drinks I have had or how many boys dicks I have seen(see: V-card Punch) I still believed deep down that I'm on Rumspringer. That it is only a matter of time before I'm safe sitting in the church pues again. I did not realize how HUGE a step doing the radio would be. Once the DJ Said "Her name is Lisa and she is an Ex-mormon!" I knew that was it. No going back. Everyone had either heard the show or heard about it. I sympathized with my sister. My show was only a few days. Her show was national and fallowed her for years. In many ways this radio show was the best thing that could have happened. For a long time I have been playing on both sides of the fence. I have pick a proverbial side. I have known where I stood for a long while and now so dose everyone else.
As I was filling out my “New Hire” paperwork Devin came into the room accompanied by tall handsome redhead.
“Zach would like to ask you something?” said Devin
Shuffling his feet Zach said, “Would you like to accompany me to the Christmas work party?”
“Oh sure!” I said. Rather excited to get to know this new attractive man.
“Great!” said Devin, “I’ll be picking you up around 7. Dress nice, this is a fancy affair. I’ll be wearing pink so if you can, match it.”
“Wait what? What just happened?” Apparently Devin had already begun training me in sales. This was known as Bait and Switch.
I was so excited I could barely see straight. But a fancy dress? Mormons don’t own fancy dresses. At least not ones like Non-mormons. I didn’t want to look like a school teacher again. (See:Boobs) Then I remembered my Maid of Honor Dress for my sister wedding. This dress had been a spot of contention because my sister made us ware modesty shields. (Not to mention I was not allowed to attend the wedding. See: Off White Wedding) It was liberating snipping away that extra heavy fabric. Even my mother, who had fought me removing it, had to admit the dress looked a lot better without.
Acrobats hung from the ceiling. The room swimming with thousands of people. None of them knew or gave a shit about Mormonism. Even more shocking none of them seemed miserable. People were happy with their life’s weather they were single, married, or living with someone. It was as if marriage was not the only thing in the world that mattered. It Utah marriage is all anyone ever talks about.
I set aside my curiosity on modern love and pick up a glass of Pink wine. Devin was driving and gave me the go ahead to drink. Though I left the church months ago I had never been drunk. I had no idea what to expect but was excited to find out.
“So are you going to sleep with Devin tonight?” Asked a co-workers.
I almost spit my pick wine all over her. Why would I ever do such a thing? How could they think that? Apparently Devin was getting the same questions. He did not seem as appalled.
After the party Devin and I and few co-workers went to what is known as a “Dive Bar”. You could barely see the other side of the room there was so much smoke. I continued sipping away at whatever the bartender gave me. And everyone was still asking if were going to “hook up”. It was much like that romantic scene from The Little Mermaid. You know, they are floating in the pool and magic fish friends are singing “Kiss Da Girl”. Except instead of a pool of water it was a grimy pool table, instead of fish friends it was deathly skinny dunk woman yelling “yewu tuoo should FUCK!” Thank goodness for the alcohol. I’m fairly sure without it I would have had a panic attack.
Devin and I left our fairy tale dive bar and met up with a few of his friends. Here the alcohol caught up to me. Wow! I get it. What a great feeling! 27 years of religious anxiety melted off me as I sipped away. I wanted more and more. I could barely walk, my speech was a mess, and I was seeing double. Any yet my body still craved more. I was chasing the feeling one sloppy drink at a time. The funny thing is I kept trying desperately to sound intelligent. Spouting off random facts “Did yew knew that Louie the 15th invensted..ed Hi… high heels!”
A woman was talking me. She said “My boyfriend and I had sex after our first date.” I gasped and fell off my stool. I’m not sure what shocked me more. That she had sex after one date, or that that same man was now her boyfriend. I was told that if you have sex with a man he will no-longer want you. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” I always resented being liked unto a cow, but that is the role given to us Mormon woman. From the herds of wives Brigham Young owned to our famous Mormon movie “Jonny Lingo and the 8 Cow Wife”.
After my stunt off the stool Devin carouled me back to his apartment to sober me up. I regained my ability to constructed sentences and we started talking. I realized something as I was sitting on the couch. This Devin fellow was a good guy. He let me get drunk and be super annoying and even took care of me after… Did he look at porn? Yes. Did he have sex with woman? Yes. Was he Mormon? No. As we sat watching “Always Sunny in Philadelphia” I had a hopeful thought. “I wonder if there are other men in the world who would sit and watch naughty shows with me”. Devin sympathized with my situation with the church. He shared some of his own life experiences. I was not afraid of him. Unlike Dahana who was just a Sex buddy I actually enjoyed his company. I sort of thought that was impossible given my phobia (See: Monsters of men)
At one point Devin diplomatically addressed the sex issue. He joked how it might be fun to have an office “hook up”. As soon as he mentioned it I was ready to feel violated and discussed…but I didn’t. It was weird. Obviously we both knew that was never going to happen but why I wasn’t angry. Why didn’t I judge him or slap. Did I maybe on some subconscious level agree with him? Perhaps I enjoyed the discussing sex in a mature way?
For whatever reason felt like I had taken two giant leaps into adulthood. One: I had gotten drunk and loved it. Two: Talking to a Non-mormon man as if he was a real person. Trusting him with my thoughts and not judging him for his own. He is not perfect. He is better than that. He is himself.
