Drunk like No Ones Watching

Ten years ago my sister did something absolutely awful.  She auditioned for MTV's The Real World.  Where did she audition you ask?  LA?...NYC?...Nope. Try BYU.  She auditioned on BYU campus. Thats right! the same people who later scrutinized her and kicked her out.  It was painful as a young girl watching my sister deal with all the negative publicity. And the worst offenders were Mormons.  I remember one morning she left her E-mail open on the computer.  I thought it would be fun to read some of her fan mail.  Instead I found myself cringing and quickly hitting the X.  An 18 year old young woman president took on the responsibility of chastising my sister. One man said my sister deserved to stand over my fathers grave and know she killed him.  Why? because she was on MTV! Julie received a lot of flack over an article published in the New York Times.  The article stated that "Gordon B. Hinckley may hold the keys to the church but Julie holds the microphone".  It hurt me to see this religion I loved so much treat my sister with such distaste. 

    I recently spent three hours on a very popular radio station. I was on the show for my comedy and being a ex-Mormon woman in a not mormon world. We talked about drinking, drugs, sex, and banjos.  Thousands of people in my local city heard my show.  Including Mormons.   Luckily I have a sister who has a lot of experience with a fame and Mormons.  She advised me to "speak as if a Mormon was in the room."  I talked about myself as a non-Mormon and avoid touchy subjects but never denying how I perceived the religion. The DJ's were fascinated.  Part of the show was to go on a date with a non-mormon man...and get drunk. They recorded the date and played it on the air.  It was said to be one of the best dates they have ever had.  Mostly because I made it very entertaining with no intention of finding love.  I had a blast and practiced a little of my stand up. ( you can find my date under the cloud on Fish in the https://soundcloud.com/fishinthemorning/sets/the-3rd-wheel  )

After the show aired I got a few messages from my Mormon cohorts. Phrases like "disappointed in you" and "you will be sorry" swam in my Facebook inbox.  These notes gave me flashbacks to messages my sister Julie got after she did her show.   I remember being curled up on the couch crying.  I was so young and I could not understand why the church was being so mean to my her.  She didn't do anything wrong.  If anything she held fast to her "morals" in New Orleans.  I remember being at EFY and my friend told me that one of the counselors was talking bad about my sister. He was telling his kids how Julie was a bad influence and we should not look at her as a good Mormon.  

I was livid.  One thing Mormons do well is love our families. I would not let some stupid camp leader talk smack about sister.  I walked right over to him with the courage and furry of a Nephite.  I was going to give this jerk a peace of my mind. I planned a powerful speech, walked right up to him.  Once I there did the most vicious thing a 14yr old could do to this man.  I cried.  I was balling my eyes out yelling heaving for breath as I yelled "Hey! my sister is a good person..sniffle haaungg..and you should not..sniffil...You should not...YOU...snort ...YOU SHOULD NOT SAY MEAN THINGS ABOUT MY BIG SISTER!"  I was having a little meltdown right in the middle of class.  How wonderful this must have looked.  A 23 year old man making a 14yr old girl heave and shake.  Ha ha ha I showed him.

Like any truly brainwashed Mormon,  I have thought almost every day about going back to church. Not because I miss it, but because this new world I live in so strange. I miss the familiar. I am in a constant state of panic and guilt. Mormonism feel to me like The Real World.  No matter how many drinks I have had or how many boys dicks I have seen(see: V-card Punch) I still believed deep down that I'm on Rumspringer.  That it is only a matter of time before I'm safe sitting in the church pues again.  I did not realize how HUGE a step doing the radio would be.  Once the DJ Said "Her name is Lisa and she is an Ex-mormon!"  I knew that was it. No going back. Everyone had either heard the show or heard about it.  I sympathized with my sister.  My show was only a few days.  Her show was national and fallowed her for years. In many ways this radio show was the best thing that could have happened.  For a long time I have been playing on both sides of the fence.  I have pick a proverbial side. I have known where I stood for a long while and now so dose everyone else.

As I was filling out my “New Hire” paperwork Devin came into the room accompanied by tall handsome redhead.  

“Zach would like to ask you something?” said Devin

Shuffling his feet  Zach said, “Would you like to accompany me to the Christmas work party?” 

“Oh sure!” I said.  Rather excited to get to know this new attractive man.

“Great!” said Devin, “I’ll be picking you up around 7.  Dress nice, this is a fancy affair. I’ll be wearing pink so if you can, match it.”

“Wait what?  What just happened?” Apparently Devin had already begun training me in sales.  This was known as Bait and Switch.  

I was so excited I could barely see straight.  But a fancy dress?  Mormons don’t own fancy dresses.  At least not ones like Non-mormons.   I didn’t want to look like a school teacher again. (See:Boobs)  Then I remembered my Maid of Honor Dress for my sister wedding.  This dress had been a spot of contention because my sister made us ware modesty shields. (Not to mention I was not allowed to attend the wedding. See: Off White Wedding)   It was liberating snipping away that extra heavy fabric.  Even my mother, who had fought me removing it, had to admit the dress looked a lot better without.

Acrobats hung from the ceiling.  The  room swimming with thousands of people.  None of them knew or gave a shit about Mormonism.  Even more shocking none of them seemed miserable.  People were happy with their life’s weather they were single, married, or living with someone.   It was as if marriage was not the only thing in the world that mattered.  It Utah marriage is all anyone ever talks about.

 I set aside my curiosity on modern love and pick up a glass of Pink wine.  Devin was driving and gave me the go ahead to drink.  Though I left the church months ago I had never been drunk.  I had no idea what to expect but was excited to find out. 

“So are you going to sleep with Devin tonight?” Asked a co-workers.

I almost spit my pick wine all over her. Why would I ever do such a thing?  How could they think that?  Apparently Devin was getting the same questions.  He did not seem as appalled.

After the party Devin and I and few co-workers went to what is known as a “Dive Bar”. You could barely see the other side of the room there was so much smoke.   I continued sipping away at whatever the bartender gave me.   And everyone was still asking if were going to “hook up”.  It was much like that romantic scene from The Little Mermaid.  You know, they are floating in the pool and magic fish friends are singing “Kiss Da Girl”.  Except instead of a pool of water it was a grimy pool table, instead of fish friends it was deathly skinny dunk woman yelling “yewu tuoo should FUCK!”   Thank goodness for the alcohol.  I’m fairly sure without it I would have had a panic attack. 

Devin and I left our fairy tale dive bar and met up with a few of his friends.  Here the alcohol caught up to me.  Wow!  I get it.  What a great feeling!  27 years of religious anxiety melted off me as I sipped away.  I wanted more and more. I could barely walk, my speech was a mess, and I was seeing double.  Any yet my body still craved more.  I was chasing the feeling one sloppy drink at a time.   The funny thing is I kept trying desperately to sound intelligent.  Spouting off random facts “Did yew knew that Louie the 15^th invensted..ed  Hi… high heels!”  

A woman was talking me.  She said “My boyfriend and I had sex after our first date.”  I gasped and fell off my stool.  I’m not sure what shocked me more.  That she had sex after one date, or that that same man was now her boyfriend.  I was told that if you have sex with a man he will no-longer want you. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” I always resented being liked unto a cow, but that is the role given to us Mormon woman.  From the herds of wives Brigham Young owned to our famous Mormon movie “Jonny Lingo and the 8 Cow Wife”. 

After my stunt off the stool Devin carouled me back to his apartment to sober me up.  I regained my ability to constructed sentences and we started talking.  I realized something as I was sitting on the couch.  This Devin fellow was a good guy.  He let me get drunk and be super annoying and even took care of me after… Did he look at porn? Yes. Did he have sex with woman? Yes. Was he Mormon? No. As we sat watching “Always Sunny in Philadelphia” I had a hopeful thought. “I wonder if there are other men in the world who would sit and watch naughty shows with me”.  Devin sympathized with my situation with the church.  He shared some of his own life experiences.  I was not afraid of him.  Unlike Dahana who was just a Sex buddy I actually enjoyed his company.  I sort of thought that was impossible given my phobia (See: Monsters of men)  

At one point Devin diplomatically addressed the sex issue.   He joked how it might be fun to have an office “hook up”.  As soon as he mentioned it I was ready to feel violated and discussed…but I didn’t.  It was weird.  Obviously we both knew that was never going to happen but why I wasn’t angry.  Why didn’t I judge him or slap.  Did I maybe on some subconscious level agree with him?  Perhaps I enjoyed the discussing sex in a mature way?

 For whatever reason felt like I had taken two giant leaps into adulthood.  One: I had gotten drunk and loved it.  Two:  Talking to a Non-mormon man as if he was a real person.  Trusting him with my thoughts and not judging him for his own.   He is not perfect.  He  is better than that.  He is himself.  

Radio interview with ME!

I’m radio star! As I’ve mentioned I am a stand-up comedian.  It’s very easy for me because all I really do is talk about being Mormon, and how nothing makes since, and I’m afraid of everyone.  I tell the crowed being a virgin at my age is like being a unicorn.  We don’t exist but everyone thinks they want one. 

One of my fellow comedians works for 93.1 JAMS.  A huge radio station here where I live.  My friend is intrigued by my comedy and my life story.  So much that he pulled a few strings and got me on the radio!  I’m doing a three segment piece where they interview me and then set me up with three guys.  NON-Mormon guys!   Then after the date I come back into the studio and talk about how it went.  They also record the date and try to get me drunk (that won’t be hard).   

I’m throwing aside my anonymous name by sharing this, but it’s just too cool not to share!  Much like my older sister i'm opening the door to my personal life.  Scary!

https://soundcloud.com/fishinthemorning/sets/the-3rd-wheel 

Here is a short clip show of it.  Only 5 Min

http://www.madtownjamz.com/pages/12930474.php?pid=378149

The interview was a ton of fun.  FISH(Who is not religious in anyway) the DJ had loads of questions for me. The questions did not stop after the interview was over.  FISH said “Wow, that is the best it’s ever gone. I’m so glad we found you. You are a crazy fun girl!”  I still have two more segments.  The “Dating Game” where I ask questions. The questions I have written for the game are pretty dang sexual and funny.  FISH asked me if he could use the questions in the future. Here are just a few I wrote:

I'm princess Leia and you are Jabba the Hutt?  What would you have me do?

I'm rubber your glue, how would you get me to stick to you?

At the end of our first date how will you get me to come (small pause) to your apartment?

You want seduce me but you only have three CD's you can play? John Phillip Susa Marching Bands, Kidz Bop, or Catcher and the Rye narrated by Gilbert Godfray.

I was not nervous.  I have grown up around TV, Radio, and have performed in front of thousands of people. The only thing I worried about was how to delicately handle the Mormon issue.  My sister, who we talked about on the interview, has spent the majority of her life in the public eye for being Mormon.  (See: Parent Trap)  Jacky gave me the advice to speak as if Mormons were in the room.  I did just that.  I bent the truth and tried to lighten the topic of what it means to be a Mormon. Most importantly I talk about MYSELF and not just my mormon-isums.  Someday I intend to write a book about this experience but, for now I just want to have fun. 

 The full interview they aired was about 20 min but they cut it down to 7 for the website. I was glad they did.  My mother called me so excited but she did have a thought.  “You should have mentioned that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. That way we don’t sound so weird.”  Ha ha ha. I’m not in the business of making the church sound normal anymore.  I have opinions and I politely share them.   At some point my family will find this blog.  I already have had many people I know contact me through this.  I do love a lot of things about my life, and my upbringing, and even the church.  It had molded me into the person I am today and I love me!   I hope they recognize that this blog is meant to help people who feel lost and alone. It's my biggest and most reveling service project.  I guess if I have to come out I might as well do it in front of everyone!  My name is Lisa and I was a Mormon. 

Drive In

I got in my car after a night and day of doing “it” for the first time.  I let out a loud sigh leaned back in my seat and mentally gave myself a Top Gun High Five.  I blasted my radio singing, smiling all the way home.  It felt so good to take that step.  And it was even more rewarding to join the “I had Sex” club. I learned so much.  Sex is not like they show in the movies.  It’s not all slow-motion and dark, and mystical with an orchestra playing in the background.  A lot of it is just back and forth repetition.  Also I understand why there is so much pressure on men to perform.  Dahan was a stallion.  We played the Hokey Pokey for over an hour and I liked it.  We talked dirty to each other, and he showed me many fun positions.  It was all in good fun. 

“Now,” I thought “Who should I call to tell first?” slowly the smirk fell from my face.  All of my girlfriends are Mormon.  I’ll bet girls in high school who lose their virginity have friends they could brag to.  I bet they geeked out and celebrate the occasion.  But I had no girlfriends.  I tried but I was living at home still.  I’m not sure it would be totally appropriate for me to try and befriend my local tweens to talk about Sex.  I could feel that dark Mormon cloud creeping up on me again. The one that says, “Here is another thing we have stolen from you. Just like your sister’s wedding.”(see: Off White Wedding)  NO!  I thought and I started to drive faster.  I refused to be sad about this.  I will geek out about sex! 

After all that “doing it” I found myself craving some Arbys. It was late at night an no one was in line. As I was pulling through the drive thru I had a thought.  I’m going to tell the lady at the window that I lost my virginity.

Wanda opened her window.  “Hi, how we doin' tonight?” She said with the enthusiasm of a dying sloth.

“Great!”, I said, “Lost my virginity tonight!” Wanda gave an awkward smile, took my money and closed the window.  “Damn” I thought, “I just made an Ass of myself in front of Wanda at Arbys.”  The window opened again and Wanda’s floppy arm haphazardly delivered my roast beef.  She stopped for a moment looked around.  Then out of nowhere…

“I lost mine on my weddin’ night!  My husbands a Mexican and, let me tell ya girl he ain’t lazy!”  I busted up laughing.  Wanda and I gushed over our sexual misconceptions.  She told me all about her husband and I told her about the church and how big of a step this was.  “Well congrats girl!"  she said.  Honestly that was all I wanted to hear.

It felt so good to connect to people in this way!  The next day I decided to try two for two.  The lady at the bank was also very excited for me…and wondering if I had my account number.  I was glad I got to have my Sex and The City gush.  Even if it was with complete strangers.   I think it is important to celebrate great accomplishments and getting over my fear was huge. 

I had to call Roberta.  She is trapped in the church emotionally but she is still my best friend.  Her reaction was what I expected.  Faint excitement but mostly concern. “Well I’m glad you are happy.” She said.  I mostly called her to warn her.  Sex really is not a big deal.  Not a reason to get married.  Not the end of the world.  It’s an action.  I remember when people would say this to me back in my virgin days.  I never believed them, and sort of resented them.   I’ve come a long way from that small tortured girl.  I’ve had sex and it was wonderful.   So ladies when you finally decided to challenge the church and activate your sexuality. The next day when you are on your Stride of Pride(AKA Walk of Shame) knowing you have no one to brag to, remember ….I’m thinking Arbys.

V-Card Punched!

Well my friends I did it.  I did the deed.  The horizontal Mambo. The cat scratch meow.  I had SEXual relations!  It was ABSOLUTLY, UNDENIABLY, INDECSCIBABLY… an action. What?  Were you expecting me to tell you it completed me? That I am now a woman?  That I am one with this man?  That I am riddled with pain and guilt?  Of course you were because you were raised a Mormon. 

The expectation put on sex grows exponentially with age.  So as a 27 year old virgin I had placed sex on the same unattainable playing field as singing Scotland’s national anthem for the 3014 Mars Olympics.   It’s not just the action but the mystery behind sex that creates an unhealthy obsession for Mormons. So in this post I will be going into detail about my first experience having sex.  (EEEEEEUUUWWWWW!)

The first step when you decided to activate your sexuality is to decide how.  I don’t mean you should practice humping a pillow (though it couldn’t hurt).  You need to sit down and decided under what context you would like you V-card to be punched.  I decided I did not want my first time to be with a person I was romantic with.  The church had filled my head with many confusing rules and fears about sex (See: Couch Surfing Shame.)  I needed to separate the romantic and vulnerable component temporarily.  I was looking for someone I sort of liked who was patient, kind, and maybe Indian.  After all they did write the book on neat ways to have sex. 

 Dahan was sexy and fun to be with.  We had gone on 6 dates.  He had already made it clear he would like to have sex but was not looking for a relationship.  JACKPOT!  After a minor freak out (see: Couch Surfing Shame) I realized that this was exactly what I was looking for.  It is important to note, my readers, that this is what I needed in a first time.  But everyone is different.  And more importantly it’s okay to be different.

The night I was de-flowered I had NO intention of having sex with him…sort of. I felt guilty admitting what I really wanted.  I told him we could make out and that was it.  I said this but I also wore my sexiest underwear.  It has been a fantasy of mine to wear sexy underwear in front of a man and dance around really sexy for him.  We made out for a good 30 min before I informed him that I had on sexy underwear.

“oooh can I see it?”, He said

I stood up in front of him and unzipped my jeans.  I slowly pulled down one side of my paints so you could just see the lace from my panties.  Then I yanked my jeans back up, fell onto his bed and started laughing uncontrollably. 

“Ohhhhkay.” He said with a smile.

I repeated this about 3 times.  Eventually he asked me if maybe I would actually show him my underwear.  “I must be doing something right!” I thought.   I took a big breath and slowly removed everything but my bra and unders.  He told me I looked sexy and that gave me quite the confidence boost.   I then proceed to dance…I started with the Macarena, then moved to the Sprinkler and finished off with the ever popular Mormon Shopping Cart. (a dance where you mime walking down the aisle of a grocery store)  He laughed and then grabbed me and pulled me to the bed.  We made out for quite a while.  Then eventually he began pulling at the panties. 

“Okay” I said, “but remember our deal.  No sex.”

As soon as he tried to take off my bra I once again collapsed in on myself.  Suddenly his touch was too sensual.  And I did what I do best… laugh uncontrollably.  I was so overwhelmed by the experience I could not relax.  The poor man could not touch me without my body spasming.  Dahan went to his desk and grabbed a blindfold.  That helped a little but not much as I still was in a state of pleasant shock.  Eventually the underwear came off and I had accomplished nudity!   He began to do what boys do down there and the more he did it the less I cared about wearing clothing.  He asked if he could grab a condom.  I said it was fine as long as he did not go inside.  As we were going I changed my mind.  It's important to note I communicated to him that I was ready to go all the way. I wanted it all along but felt a ting of guilt for my "free thinking".   I wanted him inside me and so there went my virginity! 

I was a little worried about the ejaculation.  For those who don’t know that’s when a man’s penis is so happy it spits on you.  Of course he had a condom on but I still was frightened by this icky thing that can pregnantize you.   It was not that weird. When he was done um…poking me… the sperm was just in the condom.  I could see it.  His little Indian had shrunk down but you could see clearly no spermies had escaped because the condom was holding it all.   FEW!

*SIDE NOTE:  due to the sheltered nature of Mormon sex ED there is a common misconception that to be double sure you don’t get pregnant use two condoms. Or "dubble bag it".  WRONG!  Two condoms are more likely to break because the latex rubs together.  Use one good condom. 

 I was still nervous I got pregnant but I tried to calm that fear by reminding myself that EVERYONE, not just woman, worry about that after their first time.   You worry that maybe one sperm escaped and now you are with child.  Ask your doctor about contraception option.  Also it would be helpful to try and research sex and how it really works and STDs.  I never did this because I was too scared, but I should have(see: Cosmo Girl).  

I was surprised at how simple the act was.  It was just natural.  I did not fall in love with him as the church professed.  I felt no guilt.  But it was not the most sensational thing I have ever experienced as many Mormons build it up to be. Here is the funny thing.  I realized how very little I understand sex.  I thought once I had it I would just know EVERYTHING about it.  Sex jokes still go over my head. I still flinch if I see a naked man on TV.   I feel like I know even less about sex now than I did when I was a virgin. Luckily I have plenty of time to figure it out.

Sex is just sex.  It is what you make of it. It is not worth getting married for.  It is not better when God is involved. (Or as I call it “the holy trinity”)  It is not something to fear.  Approach sex responsibly.  It is not making out. It is not smart to have sex with a stranger.  STD and pregnancy change your life forever.  Have safe sex.  Have it as often as you are comfortable.  Most importantly have fun. 

CRAZY GIRL?

I wanted to take a moment and an address a tiny issue that many Mormons face.  Suicide…or suicide ideation, and mental health.  I come from a well-adjusted loving family, I have had a very successful life, I have hit speed bumps, but I have always found my way to my feet...eventually.   I’m out going, life of the party, fairly attractive, and full of energy.   I’m a lucky girl…and as a mormon I still craved death.

The attempt I made on my life (see: Life or Death) has hunted me for years.   After that I had the suicide hot-line on speed dial.  I wish I had not destroyed my suicide tape.  I want to know what I was thinking.  How could I believe that at age 23 I had passed my expiration date?   It’s not fair to completely blame BYU and Mormons. I had tons of fun and really learned a lot.  It is just hard for me to find another explanation for my behavior.  The guilt and shame of never being good enough (see: The PerfectProblem).  I was unloved by men because I did not fit the “mold” and was ostracized for my wit and independence.(see: Pink Pedestal)  Even being a campuses celebrity for my comedy did not stop the stares in church when I wore a dress that hugged my curves.  I saw a church therapist regularly.  I would cry and tell them how I felt so trapped and conflicted.  I was doing everything right and still struggled with my testimony. I remember one therapist who completely ignored my shameful struggle with sexual frustration.

“’I’m just worried Dr.”, I said sheepishly, “that I will marry men just so I can have sex.  I really want to have sex.”

“Nope!  Don’t even think about it.” She said, “It’s not good.  Marriage is very important.  Let me tell you a story.  My son may be getting a divorce.  Tragic! But I already have 5 woman lined up for him. God wants us to be married so just forget about sex…take a pottery class.”

Looking back I can honestly say… WTF! But at the time I didn’t know any better.   Trying to live your life according to someone else is destructive.  The constant judgment facilitated by the church and BYU kept me in a cycle of self-loathing.  It was only when my parents enrolled me into a non-mormon mental hospital that things got better. They worried what these therapist would say but knew without proper help I may try to "trip" off a tall building.  My father warned me not to discuss church while I was in therapy.  That they might try and pull me away.  They didn’t  try and pull me away, but they showed me that it was okay to wear a red dress (See: Spooky Mormon Hell Dream)

Even now as I have loosened the chains of Mormonism I still find myself thinking “I’m such a horrible person”.  This week I decide I was a horrible person because I let a man see my boobs.  Last week I was a horrible person because I did not let this same nice man see my boobs. (Here is where I slap myself on the forehead) I feel guilt but it is displaced.  I do not feel guilty engaging in sexual activities.  However, I do feel guilty educating myself on sexual activities.  

I only see non-Mormon therapists now.  I here tails of poor struggling souls running to their bishop to cash in on the free therapy program the church provides.  A fine program in many respects I’m sure.  Unfortunately, not the place to go when you want to leave the church.  That’s like breaking up with your boyfriend and then driving over to his house when you feel sad about it…IT DOESN'T WORK.   With the help of my non-mormon therapist I have been able to unclog many emotional drains.  Most recently my therapist has helped me come to grips with the terrifying notion that I can decide what sex means to me.  Going against everything the church has taught me I have decided that sex is an activity I would like to participate in with a friend.  I don’t want a lover, just someone patient who I trust.  And I’m fairly sure I have found him.  

In conclusion my friend YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  The pressure to have the perfect life sends many into a downward spiral.  No wonder UT has the highest rate for teen suicide and self-medicating.  If you are one of the many people who suffer from suicide ideation, depression, PTSD  I recommend you seek help.  All health plans cover mental health in some regard.   But mental health is not as simply taking a pill.  You have to want it.  Fight the negative thoughts, the pressure form church ideas, and the people who will try to “fix” you.  Meditate; get a massage; LEAVE YOUR ROOM!  Don’t be afraid of the world.  That is just playing into the churches hands.

I am now almost 8 months sober from the church.  I removed the noose from my neck and I’m shocked by how much air there is out here.  I thought I would die without the church.  Now I don’t know how I survived in it.  

Couch Surfing Shame

I came rushing to Seth’s door eager to talk but trying to play it cool.  Seth is the only ex-Mormon around, the only person who I felt would understand.(See: Waiting for Godot)  I came in, sat down and tried to carry on a normal conversation.  Nodding my head, fake laughing, the works. Hahaha. I was not going to tell him about what happened.  I needed to act cool, and mature and most importantly, I needed to not freak out.  But then he said, “How have you been?” My resolve left me.

“Seth!  I have to tell you something. It’s terrible.” I admitted.

“What’s wrong?” He said

“Well,” My face turned beet red.  I collapsed into myself and started to examine the insides of my elbows. “This guy wants to have SEX with ME!”

“Okay…” he said. I could feel his eyes fighting not to roll back into his head.

“Well isn’t that just awful?  What kind of guy tells a girl that?” I said, utterly appalled.

 “Back up.  Who is this guy?”  Seth asked.

“His name is Thomas.  We have gone on like 5 dates.  Last night he was acting like he wanted me to spend the night!  My friend told me not to tell any boys I’m a virgin because they might go crazy and chase me.  But I had to tell him.  He was saying stuff like ‘you should come over’ and ‘I would like to spend the night with you’ and ‘I would like to have sex with you.’ I can’t believe it.”   I said running out of breath.

“Alright and so what did you do?” He said, rubbing his forehead in distress

“Well I had to tell him that I was a virgin, and that I have never had sex before, and that I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m scared of his penis.”  At this point my face was plastered into the side of Seth’s couch.  Seth, who was now dripping with my emotional vomit, looked at me yet again at a loss for words.

“Emma, why are you acting like a child about this?” He asked.

“EXCUSE ME!  I am not.  He is the one who is talking about doing dirty stuff,” I exclaimed!

 “Did he force himself on you?”

“No.”

“Did whip his dick out and demand you to suck it?”

“Ewww gross.” I started giggling uncontrollably. Seth was unamused.

“Sex is not dirty. If a guy says he wants to sleep with you it does not make him bad guy.  If anything he is a really decent guy because he is communicating to you how he feels.  It is vulnerable asking a girl to spend the night.  You are putting yourself out there.  Do you like him?  Would you like to sleep with him?”

There was a long pause.  I did enjoy Thomas’s company and I found him to be very attractive.  “Well… I kind of do want to sleep with him” I admitted “but I don’t want to be his girlfriend.”

“Great! Good for you.” He said, his face at ease.

“But I don’t think I should because he said he is not looking for a commitment.”

His face distorted again, “But didn’t you just say you were not sure you wanted a relationship?”

“Well no…yeah.  I just want him to really like me… you know… I just don’t want to like him.  I really don’t want to get attached to a guy AND have sex with him too.”

“Well that’s not fair,” said Seth. “You can’t put that kind of backward expectation on someone…Alright…you obviously have a lot on your mind.  I need to get ready for class but I want you to ask yourself something.  You ready?”

“Okay” I answered nervously.

“You have never had sex before but you want to date men outside the church and you want to actually have sex with them right?”

“Yes.” I said like a good student.

“So ask yourself this:  What does sex mean to you?” Then Seth went into his room to get ready for class.

My forehead crumpled.  In all my years of sexual misfortune and frustration I never once thought about what sex meant to me.  I always just believed what the church told me sex meant.  That it is a powerful connection only reserved for those who were married.  That it was only enjoyable with God and that sex outside of marriage tears apart your soul.  And that your soul can only be healed after a full year of shaming from your bishop.  I know that the church has lied a lot about its history…perhaps they were lying about sex.  I have been naked in front of men and not felt guilty. So now it was time to re-evaluate what sex meant to me.

Flashback sparked one right after another.   Sex was watching my friends leave me and join the married ward.  Sex was not being able to relate to them anymore because I was still a virgin. Sex was feeling inadequate and uneducated. Sex was a stream of secondhand secrets only discussed with those who were lucky enough to find love.  Sex was watching beautiful Mormon woman settle for gungy fat men who were “nice”.  Sex was hearing stories of woman crying in the bathroom on their honeymoon.  Sex was a competition to be the first wife in heaven. Sex was avoiding non-mormon men.   Sex was breaking up with a man I liked because I feared he watched porn.  Sex was almost marrying a judgmental man with greasy skin convincing yourself you’re in love.  Sex was forcing yourself to be someone you’re not.  Sex was confusing as shit!

“Hey, I got to get to class.” said Seth, snapping me back to reality. I grabbed my coat and slowly walked to the door.

“I know what I want sex to mean to me.” I said with  a vengeance.

“Oh yeah?” he said “what’s that?”

“I don’t want it to mean a damn thing.”

To be continued... 

My Christmas Star

“YEE GAUT A GRET PAIR A TITTITYS THERE!” yelled an inebriated Scotsman, “MIND IF I GIVE UM A SQUEEZZZZZZ?”

What could be better than three men in kilts? They were bagpipers who had been kicked out of a wedding for getting in a fight with the bridesmaids.  Roberta and I were really getting the full Scotland experience. I could not stop laughing as Roberta awkwardly tried to maneuver away from their drunken hands.

It was on my trip to Europe that I first began to voice my doubts about the church. (See: To the Vatican) After exploring the castle that inspired Hogwarts in Harry Potter we decided to wander the enchanted streets of Edinburgh.  We happened upon a small vender selling necklaces.   One of them in particular caught my eye.  I loved the swooping design and how it exploded out of the center.   I asked the vender what it meant. “Parsonal groowth” he said.   SOLD!

And have I ever grown.  I wear that necklace almost every day.  It is my new CTR ring.  To me it stands for “You can do it!”  Leaving the church is not at all easy.  One day at work I made a comment about how difficult the past year had been, and my friendly tattooed co-worker said “This is the year you left the church.  Come on! This is the best year of your life!”   

I wanted to bust out laughing, but I settled for a sarcastic smile.  Those who have never left would think that.   The truth is the first year you leave the church is HELL. It’s like waking up one day in the body of a tiny Asian man and realizing you are on a Japanese game show.  You don’t know the rules and everyone is laughing at you while you are repeatedly being punched in the crotch.  

Over Christmas break I once again found myself heading back to the mothership…Salt Lake City.  I sort of look forward to being around my own kind, it’s somewhat relaxing.  It is tiring having to constantly explain yourself to people who are unfamiliar with the LDS culture.    “How have you never had wine?” “Wait…you’re a virgin?” “Coffee! You are kidding me!”  My most recent disconnect was when I told my co-worker how I felt uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed as a man.  He laughed at me, saying “Why? You just sleep. Put your head on the pillow.”

Seeing my family for Christmas was slightly stressful but mostly wonderful.   I’m out of the closet now.  And my older sister Jacky has finally started talking to me about her story of leaving the church. For the last 8 months she has been avoiding the conversation fearing she would get the blame for my leaving.  I was hurt but I understood.  Her circumstances were very *cough* public.  She did not want to relive it.  It was nice to talk openly with my sister about why she left.  We all assumed it had to do with her being on MTV.  Actually what really pushed her out of the church was having a daughter.  She did not want her daughter to grow up in a religion that is sexist.

I agree that the church has sexist ideas for both men and woman.  However, some people rise above it.   My darling little sister Steph is a BYU anomaly.  She dated her BF for over a year before she finally decided to marry him.  She did not worry when he was unable to finish his degree.  She is a physicist.  She just graduated with her undergrad and accepted a job making 60,000 a year.  That’s right! My little sister is the tits! But she is also the sweetest most loving little 21 year old I know.  I have often talked about my magic necklace from Scotland.  I told her how it symbolized my growing up and leaving the church.  I may even get a tattoo of it someday.   When I opened my Christmas present from Steph my eyes filled with tears.  She had ordered this box from Europe.  She told me she was proud of me for finding my way.