Elna Baker

Today I was planing on writing a chipper piece about the finality of life and how all things eventually come to a terrifying end.  But as I was trolling Youtube I came a crossed this...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0uL_CKL9wg

  ...and was deeply deeply saddened.  I'm not sure why I clicked on this link. Was it because I have always had a fondness for the storytelling art form?  No of course not.  God wanted me to click on this link and remember how I used to be...a sad and lonely Mormon girl, completely isolated from the world. 

The link is a funny story from Moth Storytellers about a Mormon Girl. She describes what is is like being a Mormon in the big apple. In the story she tells the  story of buying a sexy lacy slip and only imaging some day she could ware this in front of a boy. She meets an amazing man who she clearly has a strong connection too.  However, he is an atheist. As you can imagine the relationship falls apart.  She insists he turn to God and he can't. 

There is a part in the story where she recognizes the end is coming. She comically described her wearing the lacy slip in front of him.  The mental battle of wanting love and wanting Mormonism was supposed to be funny but just made my stomach turn.  I was a 25 yr old virgin living in the NYC.  I used to think I was saying "yes" by saying 'no".  I used to settle for men I sort of like so I could keep my standards.  I used to buy sexy underwear thinking no one would ever see them.  I used to identify myself as "A Mormon".  Everything in my life revolved around my sister of Zion identity.  Joseph Smith was a bad man and it was painful learning about the filthy roots of the church.  But the most damaging part of the Mormon faith was how the church infused itself into the fabric of what makes you YOU.  I could see as she spoke how her love of the church was sustained by her fear of living without it.    

Her story of trying to seduces her Boyfriend, and failing miserably, reminded me of the first times I attempted to have sex...and failed miserably...

Her story has reminded me how lucky I was to get out when I did. I saw my own cognitive dissonance and had the presence of mind to leave the Mormon Faith. Yes! There are still single sad Mormon woman out there.  but they are not me. I got out. They have a choice to leave and they choose not to.   I need to just forget people like her.  Blindly giving up every-hang on...Wait a Minute...Hold please...

BREAKING NEWS!  Elna Baker left the church. A woman I just barely learned about saw her own cognitive dissonance and has had the presence of mind to leave the Mormon Faith. Phew!

 So apparently this girl is living her dream.  After a little Facebook stalking I found out she still lives in NYC and works in the arts AND we have six mutual friends! Now that i think of it I'm pretty sure I met her briefly at a church activity.  I remember her telling me the story of getting matching black eyes with a boy on a movie set. 

She made it out.  I guess there is hope for Sisters of Zion living outside the temple box.    

Here is a link to her story...
http://www.rookiemag.com/2012/04/losing-my-religio/

Loooong Term Love

One year ago I walked into a bar alone.  I had just moved out of my parents basement and out of the Mormon church. I was starting my new life, new job, my whole new world!  Mentally my mind was still a mess of Mormon phobias.  But determined not to fall back into the "loving" arms of the Mormon cult I pushed myself to participate in non-Mormon activities. This bar was doing a musical open mic night.  I was to nervous to actually get up in front anyone so I had planned to just sit and listen.  Thats when I met Alex.  The rest is history....History?....HISTORY....AHHHHH!

  Alex and I have history. One whole year of history!  I am freaking out.  When I was Mormon I was always very judgmental of the non-Mormon tradition of dating for multiple years before getting married.  I really thought less of the women who allowed this to happen.  In Mormon culture 6 months is really all you need to know if he is the one.  Maybe one year if you are "taking your time".  God!  I'm hunted by the numerous condemning conversations I have had with Molly Mormons about this. One story in particular pops out.  

Mandy is getting married?  But she has been living with her boyfriend for like 3 years...So then what are we celebrating?  She has already had sex with him. They are acting married. Honestly I thought less of her for "giving it up" without a ring on it. What an idiot she was.  Its so funny how she is excited to get married. As if it even matters.  

Well now I'm a little Mandy in the making.  I feel a tightness in my chest Just saying that.  I can't help remember my one year rule. If I didn't know I wanted to marry a guy after one year I would be done.  Engaged or it's over.  

When you leave the church you have to replace so many old thought with new one. But some of the ideas you held on to subconsciously don't spring up until you are smacked in the face with them. Alex and I have been dating a year and I don't have a 100% idea of what our future holds. I simply can not comprehend a relationship past a year.  

      

Every day closer to the one year mark brought me more anxiety.  I felt I was supposed to do something.  But then I had a moment of clarity.    This is a problem I can not think my way out of.  20+ years of conditioning does not fade away. How did I undo my fear of Non-mormon men.  I got to know them.  How did I get over my fear of sex...I had sex.  How did I learn to break out of everything.  I tried new things everyday.  Dating someone for a year is a new thing.  

So I guess I have to lean into it.  I'll admit the thought of dating someone for a year sounds like death.  I hate the feeling.  But I love Alex.  

XXX-Mass

It's that time of year again.  Christmas trees all lit up,  family togetherness and a little time off work!  That is what Christmas means to me anyway.  Of course that is not always how I felt.   I forgot about the whole celebrating of the virgin who gave birth to the son of God thing.  I find it funny how many Christians have selfishly decided that only christian have the right to enjoy this holiday.  That it's wrong for people to focus on the joy they get from giving and receiving gifts.   Don't forget how important it is to God that you sit in his church and learn the purity of some woman who was TOTALLY a virgin....Riiiiight. We live in a world that revolves around work and money.  Well fine, I'll thank God I'm getting a few vacation days.  

PHEWWW.....Okay okay I'm calm....But before I turn this post into a bitter diatribe about the religious grip of the X-Mass season I'm going to stop myself.  This is not a post about God or Christmas.  This is about family and how to navigate the crashing of worlds...and of course sex.

This is my first Christmas as a non-christian.  My family has not even been in town for 24 hours and I have already been interrogated about my belief in Jesus and my sexual status.  Here is where I had to take a breath and look back at THIS post from when I was first learning how to place boundaries.

Yesterday I walked into a Mormon church for the first time in a year. My family was all going to sacrament meeting.  Just sacrament.  I did not wish to go to church, but being the only non-Mormon home for the holidays I decided one hour would be doable.   I wore pants and a purple sweater.  Not as a protest but as a convenience.  How liberating it feels to walk into a sacrament meeting with no concern for the opinions of other.   I must say I'm very proud of myself.  I didn't really pay attention to the speakers. Not out of defiance but rather out of boardom. It felt nice not to feel about the church.
 
Then I had a tiny moment of victory.  A moment that warmed my heart only way being yourself can.
Sitting there next to my brother sacrament plate appeared.  There was all that torn up bread.  This is the first time a sacrament plate had been placed in front to me since my de-virginizing. Naturally I thought, "Oh I should not take this."  My hand jerked away from the plate. Then almost as fast I snatched up the biggest piece of bread I could see.  "Fuck that!"  I thought, "I'm not a bad person and also... I'm hungry."  That bread felt good going down.  Almost as good as it felt going down on my boyfriend the night before.  mmmm....yummy.... dressed up like and Elf with a green a red panties.  Striped knee socks and a Elf Hat.  "Santa baby, I'm very good at making toys, would you like to see my wood working skills."  HAHAHA! LOVE SEX PUN.  They were flying like Santa's sleigh last night.

  Alex and I did have a wonderfully fun and sexy night together. I made is snow and he plowed my driveway.  We talked a lot and shared our love.   I like dressing up for him.  I'm lucky that I was able to leave the faith without being permanently scared by the Mormon chastity belt.   I enjoyed all of my naughty thoughts as the deacons continued passing sacrament.  

When the tray of sacrament water cups arrived I grab one and like a jello shot.  I threw it back and slammed it. "Ah! That's good stuff " I said to my Mormon brother.

He pused a little shocked. Then he said, "That is weak, I could down a whole tray."

It's nice to see my brother join in the fun.  Even if its just for a moment. I would say it was my best sacrament meeting ever.

Suicide Awareness

I recently read an article posted by one of my Mormon Facebook friends about suicide in Utah.  As you may know suicide in Utah is a real problem.  The percentage of deaths due to suicide is 30% higher then the national average. The article was trying to claim Utah higher depression rate was due to the high altitudes.  A nice theory but I think anyone who has lived in Utah knows the real reason. 

 Whether you are gay or straight the pressure to live your life by the churches standards is a heavy burden.  One that many people choose not to endure by leavening.   However, the stress of trying to leave sends many into a spiraling depression.  When I was in collage I suffered greatly with the cognitive dissonances of the church.  I made an attempt on my life to escape the reality of a Mormon life.  That event has stayed with me.  You can read my story Here.

I recently became aware of a group who are trying to help.  They are hoping to spread the word far and wide -- even if its among exmos because they can reach out to their family and friends who may still be active.

I really support this Idea.  Luckily I do not live in Utah but that dose not mean I can't participate.  Here's a link to the facebook event: https://www.facebook.com/events/1717769221782323/  If you know anyone personally affected, maybe write up a tribute to them.

As far as participating in the event, a lot of the people are exmormon, so they won't be attending church, but we're trying to group people by local area so they can do candle light vigils, feed the homeless youth, etc... in their own community.

Porn and Potato; The Secrets of Love

I have sat here for about 20 minutes trying to find a clever way to start this post. I've considered Shakespearean quotes and flowery poems.  I wanted my intro to reflect the sentiment of the topic but clearly it's falling short.  From cliches to come on's nothing feels right. This post is about love. Plain and simple.  Not dating, not sex, and not the awkward in-between of forced laughter and fake organisms.  I have talked a LOT about dating on this blog.  I have experimented, and hypothesized what it would be like to date a person who was not Mormon. But I have not really discussed love.    

Well I must confess something to you my friends...I'm slight uncomfortable with the topic of love.  Maybe it's the expectation of heighten emotion, or maybe its the vulnerability required to maintain it. Never the less, I love my never-mormon boyfriend Alex.  

"Emma!" You say, "Why did you keep this from us, your loyal BreakingMormon cronies?"

     

I guess I just wanted to make sure it was real.  I held on to the idea that all men outside the church were immoral sexual predators. After all that is what I have been told all my life.  Alex is nothing like the monster the church has made him out to be.  He is a sweet and caring person.  He is honest...sometimes a little too honest, but that's one of the things I love about him.   

   

 I think the most penurious weapon the church uses is the way they paint Love. "Love is wonderful and eternal", says the church "but also that love is dangerous. Do not let yourself fall in love with a non-Mormon. Love must be controlled. Do not express love with your bodies.  Love is conditional. If your spouse leave the church he dose not love God and can't love you." The list of expectations goes on and on and it is tragic to watch two people lose love over it.  

Here I flashback to my youth.  Sitting in church staring at poor Sister Anderson.  She is married but her husband has left the church. Teachers in class would use her life as a warning to the dangers of love.  So alone she sits. "How sad", I think "Her husband must be such a bad and lazy person. A fat slovenly man with potato chips strewn a crossed his pot beer belly."  

Ladies and gentleman you must not let the church use love as a weapon.  You must escape the fear surrounding non-mormon love. I know you are scared because dating in the modern world is frighting.  You have been told many lies about sex.  You are afraid, I know, I was too.  You are imagining that potbellied man sitting on your couch eating potato chips and watching porn.  and I will tell you he exists!  but you do not have to date that man.  You are smart enough to see the wolf in sheep's clothing.  Will men use lies to get you to sleep with them.  Well, they will try.  But I will let you in on a little secret. Those same men will be lazy.  If you proceed with caution and only do things when you have established trust in the relationship that porn and potatoes man will get bored. He move on and leave you alone. The man(or woman) who will truly love and care for you will be there.  Even after the 17th make out session.  Will he want to have sex with you.  Yes!  dose that make him bad.  No!   Will he watch porn? Yes!  Will that make him bad?  Not really.  That makes him human. 

In short you must trust your own judgment and move slowly.  Love is out there my friends.  I found it and it's amazing!  Now it's your turn.        

Ordain Woman

What would happen if Woman were given the priesthood? This woman has a pretty good idea. She has figured out 4 simple step to survive Woman in the church work place.  She my be a Mormon but she get it and she has a since of humor.  I got to give her props for this.  Though she is probably brainwashed she has enough of a mind left to recognize how the church leaders are better at controlling people then trusting them to think for themselves.  The church leaders are just stupid old men who wish we all would stop using all this new fangled technology and go back to a simpler time where TV had 3 channels and only a white male property holders could vote.  Ahhhh yes the good old days.

http://www.the-exponent.com/but-what-if-everybody-has-sex/




I'll admit when I hear about all this Ordain Woman nonsense I just think "Ladies LEAVE!  How can you be so close to freedom and yet stop short!  Keep going, freedom is just one ex-communication away!"

I understand how the relief society president with her perfectly modest skirt can fall into the "role of a woman" crap.  But how can there be so many wonderfully beautiful woman who recognize the sexism of the church still attend?  Not only to they recognize it, but they want more. More sexism!  I'm sure if woman got the priesthood the next step would be letting us get our own planet in the after life.  Or maybe the enjoy a monogamous afterlife with our husband.   On rare occasion I attempt to understand the Mormon woman perspective. I'll admit it is a nice community but besides that...

If you have any idea how these half robot woman exist in the the church feel free to enlighten me...Please leave a comment...  Because I'm stumped.

Moving Out

We all know how hard it is to tell your friends and siblings you are letting go of the Iron rod.  You know what they are saying behind your back.  You notice they distance themselves.  I have even heard stories of people being shunned and ostracized. It is a sticky wicket.  But nothing compares to the challenge of telling your parents.  

I spent months hiding from my parents. I was living with Mom and Dads home trying to get my life together.  Being recently dumped, unemployed and on suicide watch I decided not to add heathen to my list of failures.  It was a tough act.  Every Sunday morning I would put on a dress and "drive to church".  Luckily we had a
Singles Ward I could "attend" so my parents never suspected.  I usually stopped at a gas station and changed into my street clothing.  I usually sat in my car and drove around for a while.  Maybe stop in a bar and watch people living normal lives.  Occasionally I would drop in on the Singles Ward.  Like a moth to the flame.  I actually enjoyed seeing all my old friends and getting all that attention. Many of them knew I was questioning.  Having been a staple in the ward they all worried about me. "I'm Just really busy" I would say with a smile.  I usually ended the service hiding in the bathroom fighting tears.

This went on for months.  It was hard enough leaving my friends. The idea of telling my parents was terrifying.    I worried if they knew I would be throw out of the house.  Left to fend for myself.  I figured I would wait until I moved out. But the game of Church Hide and Seek was getting harder and harder to play.  I started dropping hint.  Saying I had doubts.  Asking inappropriate questions to the home teachers. Then my  mother discovered my copy of "No Man Knows My History" (See: http://breakingmormon.blogspot.com/2013/05/mother-may-i-so-mom-i-was-making-out.html  )  She became more and more defensive of the church.  Insisting on nightly prayer and Family Home Evening. It was time for the truth to come out. 

It was a Sunday evening and I was still in my Sunday dress.  My parents started asking me about my job search trying to give me advice.  How could I interview for jobs when I was such an emotional wreck? I had no idea where my life was headed.  I was still silently suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I was not sleeping and felt so alone. 

"Maybe if you just spent more time at church you could clear your head," My Mother said. 

Suddenly I just blurted it out "I'm not going to church!" There was a moment of silence.  I took a deep breath. "Mom, Dad I need to tell you something.  Can we sit down?"

I told them I did not believe Joseph Smith was a prophet and that I would no longer be a Mormon.  It was a short conversation and my parent were relatively understanding. Of course more long winded and frustrating conversation were yet to come but for the time being it was okay.  My parents respond with love and understanding. They still supported me and did not kick me out.  That felt nice. The important part was I held my ground.  I did not allow them the fantastic idea  that I would come back.  

For those of you who have yet to tell your parents I recommend you break it to them over time. Maybe a few weeks.  Maybe a few months. But tell them and when you do do not leave them any room for hope.  In the long run you will just hurt them more.  Live your new life with excitement and pride.  I know you probably feel you are disappointing them.  Well let me ask you this...do you plan on living in your parents basement for the rest of your life?  No. You want to move out and they want you to too.  They would be disappointed if you never moved out and built a life for yourself.   Letting your parents believe you may one day come back to church is like emotionally sleeping on a futon in their basement. Your parents had you so they could watch you grow and become your own person. You may not get the job they think you should have, or date the boys they pick but they can take pride in the fact that they raised someone who could think for themselves. 

If you are struggling with coming out I highly recommend you watch this TED talk.  My sister sent me this link as I was leaving and gave me a lot of courage! 

  http://www.ted.com/talks/ash_beckham_we_re_all_hiding_something_let_s_find_the_courage_to_open_up