Fairy Tale Ending

"Okay," I said, sitting in the hallway.  Then I began putting my boots on.  I wasn't going to cry and this was not going to be one of those 5 hour break-ups. He wasn't worth it.  When he dropped me off at my apartment I told him to wait, I ran into my apartment and grabbed our book.  It was our fairy tale. The book he had driven 10 hours to deliver to me.  It held the story of our relationship spelled out in hand-drawn pictures and inside jokes. I had continued the story with pictures of of my own and together we built our enchanted romance. It was the cutest thing anyone had ever done for me. I had felt like a princess and he had been my prince charming.

"Take this.  I don't want it." I said, throwing it at him. He protested but I gave him no choice.

As I turned to leave, a thought struck me, "You know what Aaron?  I'm so glad that this is done because I don't have to pretend anymore.  I'm so tired of always acting. So tired of hiding"  

I don't think I even knew what I was saying on that very late October night.  Only months later did I realize how dedicated I had been to the role of Molly Mormon. So much of me was an act to impress these priesthood holders. That was the last time I saw Aaron and I have not missed him once.  

Now here we are, about 70 blog posts later, and I'm living in a different world. A newly minted Ex-mormon!  I have a steady job and a stable self-reliant life.  My life is my own.  I'm not the slave wife to my “prince.” But I have played the part of a Mormon princess for so long it is hard for me step off my pedestal. As I mentioned my previous Mormon love stories were whirlwind romance.  When you have post Mormon romantic epiphanies they hit hard and fast.  

Alex and I have been dating for a while….and guess what? We just keep dating.  How can we still be dating you ask? It's been 6 months, you say?  By Mormon logic we should either be broken up or engaged…right?  Strangely enough, I don’t want either. This concept of dating someone longer than 6 months was in conflict with everything I've ever experienced.  I still can’t quite comprehend it. It is kind of like trying to understand how the universe is infinite and it is also expanding. 

Eventually my uncomfortableness of our situation started to show, and my inexperience in non-mormon dating started to bubble to the surface.  I started thinking irrationally, trying to find problems in our relationship and exploding them in my mind.  One night, Alex sent me a smilie face emoticon :) instead of a winky smilie face ;) I used this textual symbol as fuel to exacerbate our clearly failed relationship. Unfortunately Alex is way to cool, collected and sweet to let me imagine problems. We talk and I soon realized I was just freaked out. Scared that i was prolonging something only to watch it burn in a year or three years. How can anyone take such a big gamble on love. 

Love isn't a fairy tale anymore. Now I realize that you can't just marry someone and be done. Even after you get married you have to still work at it. What "it" is I’m not entirely sure. I'm frustrated and disappointed. I don't want dating to be a slow and carefully thought out process. I want it to be fast and exciting…What happened to my whirlwind romance where you meet and you just know?  I have been dating Alex for over 6 months and I feel like there is so much I don't know about him.  When I look at him I don't just see a perfect man with no flaws.  Where is my prince charming? Where are those rose-colored glasses the church gave me?  My fairy tale life is ending.  I've lost the ability to mindlessly go through a romance with only the end goal in sight.

OR… Maybe I’m coming to the harsh reality that love is a journey not a fairy tale. :( 

Romantic Diarrhea

It was late at night and I was sound asleep in Alex's bed. After a decadent dinner of leftover ribs and gas station pizza, Alex and I had drifted to a cozy sleep. What a breakthrough. I usually hated sleeping in a bed with a man, but Alex was different. I didn't feel trapped. I didn't get the knot of guilt in my stomach that normally accompanied my sexy sleepovers. It just felt nice to be close to him. Around 4:00 in the morning I awoke to that sick feeling again.  I tossed and turned, my mind racing, and I began to sweat. Was this another panic attack?  Alex could feel how distraught I was. He wrapped his strong arm around my stomach and held me close. Although it was a nice gesture, it did not help. I threw his arm from my stomach. although he’s a sweet man, I couldn’t shake the nasty sick feeling I had woken up with. Suddenly, without warning I found myself running down the hall of his apartment. Right into the bathroom, where I threw up the contents of my stomach.  

It turned out I was not experiencing a panic attack, I was simply food poisoned. And it wasn't long until Alex joined me in my misery.  Here we were practically strangers, taking turns vomiting into the toilet…and nether one of us knew what to do.  We googled food poisoning and I even called my mother from his bed for advice. Of course I did not tell her Alex was there. 

"Well do you have diarrhea?" She asked over the speaker phone,

"yes" I admitted, embarrassed as Hell.

My mother recommended that I drink Sprite and lots of water. But Alex didn’t have any Sprite. I would have to walk down to the corner gas station. I began to get out of bed when Alex stopped me.  

"I'll get it", he moaned.  

The next 24 hours was spent puking, and trying to distract ourselves from puking. We learned a lot about each other from this experience. When I think about the important moments in our relationship it would be fair to say this one is at the top of the list. Alex and I have been dating for almost 5 months now. At this point I would even call him my boyfriend. 

When I visit the ghost of relationships passed I am reminded of the exciting and dramatic turning points in our relationships.  In Mormon land the process of finding your eternal lover happens very quickly.  Romantic milestones are constantly being reached. It is like falling in love in a movie. You ignore the communication problems, and just focusing on the fun of the journey. Before you know it, the movie is over and you havent even finished your pop corn! In 

Mormon land Alex and I would be engaged by now!  It was hard for me to decelerate into a more healthy relationship pattern. I was used to seeing my boyfriend every single day. When you only have 6 month to decide if he is "the one" you take every second you can get. One day after hanging around at his place all day Alex said something very strange to me.  

"You know…sometimes I just need some time to myself." I could tell he was trying very hard not to hurt my feelings.  

I, of course, was hurt. I took the hint and hopped in my car. I spent the next few days processing what he said. Clearly he didn't like me anymore.  I figured it was time to cut ties and start over. There were plenty of guys out there who would actually want to spend every waking second with me. But before I put the EX on our relationship I thought I might want to do some Non-Mormon dating research. 

I sought advice from my modern female friends.  Mindy had been dating my co-worker and she explained it best.  "Oh yeah, I really like Devin but I don't need to see him every day.  That would drive me nuts.  So I usually just let him play video games while I get my stuff done." 

Hum...I thought back to how many times I had gotten in my car and drove down to Alex’s place even when I sort of didn't want to. Don't get me wrong I always enjoy spending time with Alex but sometimes I felt obligated by an outside force to forget my own needs and focus on "US."  

The church is so focused on paring off. Singles are discriminated against and made to feel guilty. Unmarried men and woman are not “whole.”  It’s strange to come to the realization that I'm a whole person all on my own. I have a job, a savings account, and I can decide how I spend my free time.  I rent movies I know he won’t like and watch them by myself. I go swing dancing, and do comedy. Basically I have my own life besides just him, and that is okay. 

I no longer feel obligated to spend every waking minute with Alex. It is actually quite empowering. In the church single men and woman put all of their love and devotion and free time into the relationship.  They cling to each other from the moment they meet. And that's great if you are a parasite fish that feeds on a great white shark and you hope it never eats you. But in the real world normal relationship are composed of mixed emotions, complicated agendas and the occasional romantic night out.

The meaning of it ALL

Ah here it is. Another post attempting to tackle the ever present question we all ask ourselves, “What is the meaning of life?” I'm here sitting at my desk completely angry, frustrated and stressed. Maybe it’s the newly started birth control I’m on because, according to my sister, being "pro-choice" is not a sufficient form of contraception. Perhaps I am blinded by the light at the end of this long-ass tunnel. Whatever the reason, I keep trying to catch the meaning of my existence. After a perfect storm of stressful downfalls from work I found myself too upset to cry. That coupled with a very stressful moving process and a woman who decided to just be mean to me for no reason, I have become a stoic and un-feeling representation of myself.  I guess it’s a lot to expect I will always be happy.  But when I am in an emotional tailspin it is good to not only get out of it but also figure out why I have fallen so fast from being happy. In times like this I am reminded of my favorite inspirational thought. If you have not seen this video please watch it.  It's a comedic poem that so perfectly illustrates "the meaning of life". 

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhGuXCuDb1U

"Isn't this enough?  Just this world, beautiful...complex...wonderfully unfathomable natural world.  How does it so fail to hold our attention that we have to diminish it with cheap man made myths and monsters."

I truly have had an extraordinary life. I was raised in a ‘ma and pa’ Ice-cream shop with the most amazing family a gal could want. I was able to experience the fame of Hollywood through my sister Julie on the “Real World.”  I have played major roles in massive musical productions.  I have traveled all over the states, lived in the city that never sleeps. I've backpacked through Europe and stood in awe of the never ending wonders. I have loved, lost loves and repeated the process time and again. And now, in the wake of the earth shattering discovery about the church being wrong, I'm able to start again. It’s almost as though I get to try two lifetimes.  Not only that, but I have more appreciation for the freedom I have than most Americans have had all their lives. Why just this morning I spilled coffee on my paycheck. The paper turned that foggy brown color of coffee-soaked paper and I realized it was the first time I have ever spilled coffee on something.  

So, when I find myself down, I ask myself "Isn't this enough?"  Whatever stresses I experience at my job or unpleasant people who cross my path I've created a life for myself, full of caring people who will help me move on from my past (or in some cases, just move.)  From one apartment to the next.  One job to the next. From one friend to the next. From one adventure to the next.  One life filled with nexts. Maybe the meaning in life is just to see what will happen next.

Bedtime Story

Congratulations to me!  I have been sexual active for about 5 months.  I recently crossed into a new realm of sexual enjoyment, and I’m going to tell you all about it…aww yeah! 

Alex and I clicked. (See: Outliers) Finding a guy who understood my ex-religious turmoil was rare. Since he was still in the closet as an ex-catholic, he related well to me. Not only do I find him fiendishly attractive, but I also really like his personality. He genuinely makes me laugh, we have many common interests and he seems like an all-around good guy. But there was a tiny road block standing between us. Sex. You see, at this point I have had sex with two men. Both Dahan and Brian were nice enough guys, however, the only part about them I really cared for was the part between their legs. Though I was having sex with them, I kept both men at arm’s length. I wouldn't spend the night and purposely had an air mattress so an overnight guest would be impossible. Our “dates” usually started as a movie but would quickly turn to banging, and then going home.  And that just fine with me.

So, needless to say, my walls shot straight up with Alex. We didn’t even kiss for about a week. One night we stayed up till about 3:00 in the morning just talking. 

“Well I better get going.” I said.

“If you want you could stay the night?” replied Alex, and although there was no expectation in his voice, I knew what overnight meant and grabbed my keys.

Later that week I stopped by again. Alex made the first move by putting his arm around me.  Then, when the sexual tension was too much to bear, Alex went in for the kill. We began making out hard. But then Alex’s hands migrated down to the zipper on my blue jeans. I jumped off the couch and left Alex in the push up stance.

“You okay?” he asked,

“Yeah, I just think I had better get going.” I said.  His face was complete confusion so I figured I had better explain. “Sorry I really want to…you know…do all that….stuff, but it’s just that I actually find you really attractive.” I said apologetically.

Alex's head fell with disappointment for a moment and then looked back at me even more confused than before.  “Wait, what?”

“Yeah is just that I like you so I don’t think we should do anything…you know…”  I said

“I’m sorry I just don’t understand…you like me? You find me attractive? And for that reason you don’t want to have sex?”

“Right.”  I affirmed, relived he understood. “Whelp!  I better get going.” And with that I yet again left him sitting alone on his couch. 

A few days later Alex came over.  It did not take long for me to jump on top of him and force my mouth on his mouth. He smelled so good and his short, sexy beard grazed the tender skin of my neck.  I was digging my lips into his and thrusting my pelvis. Back and forth and back and -Suddenly Alex slapped his hand to his forehead, “I don’t understand how this is any different from having sex.” He said (almost to himself.)

I instantly curled up into a ball at one end of the couch. I didn't know what to say. I was scared. We talked about it and I guess I said something that sort of made sense.  Alex seemed okay with my reason for not popping out my ta tas.  But…as I was sitting looking at him a phrase from my good friend Devin came to mind.

“Look, you are going to make mistakes, but that’s how you learn.  You can’t live your life afraid that you’ll screw up.  If you do that, you might as well go back to church.”

I took a moment to collect my thoughts.  I did like this guy. I wanted to have sex with him for the enjoyment of it. I guess I was just worried that I would instantly fall in love with him, and I knew I couldn’t control if he was one of those guys who just want to bang me and then never talk to me again. I knew it was highly likely he would be this way due to the fact that he was not a Mormon and we all know how “devious” any non-Mormon man is when it comes to sex!  But, if he was willing to stick around this long, maybe he actually wasn’t an evil sex fiend.  With the conclusion of that thought I popped my shirt off and he chased me into the bedroom where we, eventually, had really great sex. It actually didn't take too long. Just about a half an hour of me lying face down on my air mattress in my underwear scared shitless and then another half hour where I learned that not all penises are created equal.

Some are much… much…bigger.

Alex and I are, to my surprise, still seeing each other.  He is not bored with me just because he fucked me.  I did not “fall in love” with him.  In fact, the next morning I almost felt indifferent to him.  Sure, I still liked him, but if he never called again I knew would move on.   The sex was good and I was glad I at least got to...how you say..."tap that.”

So what have I learned from all this you may ask?  I learned that waiting to have sex until your wedding night is a gamble.  You are giving your hormones too much power in the situation.  It’s better to get the sex straightened out so you can focus on the more important aspects of your relationship.  Maybe if it gets really serious you’ll deflate the small air mattress and get a real queen size bed for two. 

The Seven Stages Out of Mormonism

Everyone who leaves the church has an extraordinary journey.  The kind of journey that should be made into a Focus Feature Film with slow emo music and contrasting dark and bright lighting.  Although all of our stories are different there are a few common experiences.  So without further ado I wanted to introduce the 7 stages of leaving the Mormon church.    

#1  The Big Bang:  You’re on the threshold of a nervous breakdown. You have done everything right.  You are trying to "feel" the spirit but the pressure to satisfy your innocuous curiosity finally gets the better of you.  You want to know (definitively) why you must live this way. The fear of the bishop is just not strong enough to stop you.

#2   The Never Ending Story:  Your head is spinning as your eyes scan page after page of history.  You cross reference everything you have ever learned at church with the facts you have now discovered. You spend hours reading and neglect your responsibilities. You keep going over it again and again. How could they do this? How could you be so blind? 

#3   The Experiments:  Eventually you toss the books aside and, like a maimed corpse, you just can't look at it anymore. Though it takes time, you eventually start getting your life back together. You can't get the thoughts out of your head.  You try and bite your tongue but you can't help it.  Everything you say is laced with bitterness about the church. You can't even look at a temple without putting one finger in the air.    

#4  Survivors Guilt: You wake up and look at all of your Mormon friends. Your heart breaks as you watch them struggling with all these "problems" put on them by church culture.  Dating and marriage seem to be the only things they can think about. You wonder what made you so special that you got out, and perhaps even try desperately to help them.  Send them links to website or post things on Facebook. It won’t matter though, they won’t listen. Your life is still a mess of cognitive dissonance but at least you see the light at the end.   

#5  Hey I'm Normal!:  You start to meet other people.  Many of whom have never heard of Mormonism. You mouth runs wild with stories of your crazy cult up-bringing.  You enjoy the attention but feel alone.  These people really can't understand you. You may start to miss your old Mormon community.  But soon realize going back is not an option for you. You go out of your way to meet other Ex-Mormons like yourself.  They are the only people who can understand what you have been though...at least that's what you think.  

#6  Oh I'm Normal: You have learned to control your motor mouth about the church.  Slowly a night drinking at the bar does not feel so out of place. You realize that though many people won’t understand the constraints of Mormonism they do know what it is like breaking away from expectations. You still have much to learn about the real world but at least you feel like you belong. 

#7  Somewhat Freedom The dust is settling in your life.  You have begun to think of Mormonism as something in your past.  It will occasionally creep in but you are learning to pacify your anger towards the church.  You still feel bad for those who are still trapped but you have so many new friends that it lessens the pain.  You remind yourself you were smart enough to question.  You were strong enough to fight back. You were brave enough to stand tall.  Not everyone can be as brave as you

Dinner and a Show

What do you do when you are sitting in a crowded restaurant with your parents, who are probing you for information about your sex life, and suddenly you father yells at the top of his lungs, “What if you get pregnant?” I’ll tell you what you don’t do.  You don’t do nothing.  You stand your ground and yell, “Dad it is none of your Goddamn business!”  Then you grab your coat and get out of there before security shows up.  

Yes!  That did happen to me last night. How did you guess?  I have spent a day and a half absolutely disgusted with my father.  I’m learning in the real world it is considered rude to ask someone, “when are you getting married?”, “Why don’t you have kids”, and “Tell me about you sex life.” Not so in the Mormon community.  These are all perfectly acceptable question of any person at any stage in their life.   Mormons are always nosing around in each other’s business.

“Did you see Brother Badapple not take sacrament this week?  They better send him on a mission fast.”

“I saw Sister Totesguilty come out of the bishops office crying. Looks like she is not going on the temple trip.”

MIND YOU OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS…*Cough*…excuse me.  I remember one time, while I was in the gooey transition between Mormon and not so Mormon, sitting in the back seat of a car with one of these judgment sweethearts. She was ranking which men in the ward were “steller” priesthood holders and which were lazy and unworthy priesthood holders. 

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“Brother Kissass and Brother Noseynice are stellar worthy priesthood holders but Brother Latetochurch and Brother Forgotatie are not.  They just don’t have enough good stuff, you know?”

Here are men giving 10% of their money, 40% percent of their time, and 100% of their sexuality to the church and they are still sub-par priesthood holders.  The sad truth is, no one is ever good enough in church and you will be told this for the rest of your life.

This is where boundaries are so important.  (See: Coming out the IKEA Mormon closet) Your family and many of your friends will judge you. They will ask you those inappropriate questions and will be shocked if you tell them to nose out.  They will even tell you that YOU are the one being crazy.  My parent looked at me like my outburst came out of nowhere.  Granted there are better ways to handle yourself then resorting to a shouting match.   They cannot understand how prying into their daughter’s sex life in the middle of a Chilis is inappropriate.  You have to look at them like you would children.  They are socially inbred and don’t know what they are saying.  In the church’s eyes, sex outside marriage and murder are the same level of sin.  So, in my parent’s minds they are the homicide detective for God…yeah…and I’m the crazy one.

I’m unsure how to deal with my mother and father’s complete lack of propriety.  I think it may be time for me to write The Letter.  Every Ex-Mormon has to write a “The Letter” at some point explaining why they are no longer mormon. I thought I had a good enough relationship with my parent to avoid “The Letter.”  Apparently not.  I have no idea where began with writing “The Letter.”  Any advice in the comment section is welcome.  

One thing that is hard to remember in all this confusion is you’re out and you are going to be okay.  People will try to suck you back into the Mormon drama.  Don’t let them do it. 

Outliers

In my previous post I alluded to the fact I am somehow entangled in a sort of romantic relationship with a never-Mormon male.    And by “somehow entangled in a sort of romantic relationship” I mean…I’m dating someone.  I know, shocking!  How could a girl raised to believe her main purpose in life was to avoid fornication until marriage, then get married within 5 months to someone she sort of likes so she can go to the beautiful temple (which turned out to be a creepy cult temple,)  and spend the rest of her life caring for her 9 children… *Big Breath* ever date a guy who was not raised Mormon?  Well I’ll tell you how…by being herself.  Sound cliché? Yeah, like who else would I “be being”? 

I used to live a double life.   There was Emma the irreverent, loud, South Park watching, guitar playing, “move to NYC just because” Emma.  And then there was the Emma who would go to church because boys want me too, fake cry at testimony meeting so the RMs would see how obviously spiritual I was, and the “I want to have sex so I better lock one of these suckers down for eternity” Emma. Ay caramba!  I can’t believe I kept this act up for so long.  After being so completely confused about who I was it was impossible for me to find someone and like them for who they were.  Looking back, I get the feeling many of these men were fighting the same battles.

I met Alex at a guitar open mic. I was looking forward to an evening alone with my thoughts.  I even left my guitar in my car because I decided that night I would just observe.  While I was observing the music Alex was observing me... note I said observing me…not enchanted by me. 

 

“Wait you left your guitar in your car? You know it’s like -15 outside right now?” said Alex sort of amazed by my stupidity.  I then spent the better part of half an hour begging him to take a look at my guitar to make sure I hadn’t ruined it; after all, the thing had already been in a car wreck.(see: Car Wreck)  Alex knows a lot about guitar, and that is sexy.  We hung out quite a bit that week.  One night I realized I really like this guy…hold the applause.  Later that same night he told me he was still living with his Ex-Girlfriend.   Ouch….  Not only was I crushing on a never Mormon with a beard but I picked one that appeared to be taken.  Like any rational person I thought this would be the perfect place to bow out. 

But, my friends, there are two sides to every story.  Alex’s situation is weird especially to a Mormon girl who could not image sharing a stick of gum with a man much less an apartment. But after he explained how he was in the situation and I decided to treat it like a yellow light instead of a red light. I assure you, reader, the situation is not as bad as it sounds.

When I first met Alex he did not fit my “list.”  He is a year younger than me, quieter than me, knew nothing about Mormons, and drinks a fair amount of beer. (To be fair any amount of beer to me is a “fair amount.”)  May I just say something about the list.  It’s stupid!  Throw it away.  Relationships really can be fun without all of the DTRs. (Define the Relationships)  I can date Alex and I don’t have to know where it’s going.  I’m enjoying the ambiguity.   I’m learning to just relax and not put the cart before the horse…or should I say handcart before the exhausted dying pioneer. 

When you leave the church it is important to expect and accept outliers.  People outside the church not "normal". Relationships are not "normal".  They have kids with people they used to date, or live together for years, or have “open relationship.” Casual sex, and divorce is not as common as you think.  People outside the church take their time getting to know each other.  They live together and share everything before they share a last name.  When you are in the church that sounds so awful.  It’s actually wonderful because the pressure to get your rocks off is not there.  The relationship is really just about you two and not your need to fuck balanced with your need to please God.

If there is one piece of advice I can give to you, poor frightened Mormon girl or boy, on dating outside the cult it is this.  Focus on you.  Don’t prowl like you surely have been.  Go out and try new things.  Get involved in activities you like. Find that part of you that you have been ashamed of and test it out with people.  You will be surprised at just how likeable the natural man is.