Porn and Potato; The Secrets of Love

I have sat here for about 20 minutes trying to find a clever way to start this post. I've considered Shakespearean quotes and flowery poems.  I wanted my intro to reflect the sentiment of the topic but clearly it's falling short.  From cliches to come on's nothing feels right. This post is about love. Plain and simple.  Not dating, not sex, and not the awkward in-between of forced laughter and fake organisms.  I have talked a LOT about dating on this blog.  I have experimented, and hypothesized what it would be like to date a person who was not Mormon. But I have not really discussed love.    

Well I must confess something to you my friends...I'm slight uncomfortable with the topic of love.  Maybe it's the expectation of heighten emotion, or maybe its the vulnerability required to maintain it. Never the less, I love my never-mormon boyfriend Alex.  

"Emma!" You say, "Why did you keep this from us, your loyal BreakingMormon cronies?"

     

I guess I just wanted to make sure it was real.  I held on to the idea that all men outside the church were immoral sexual predators. After all that is what I have been told all my life.  Alex is nothing like the monster the church has made him out to be.  He is a sweet and caring person.  He is honest...sometimes a little too honest, but that's one of the things I love about him.   

   

 I think the most penurious weapon the church uses is the way they paint Love. "Love is wonderful and eternal", says the church "but also that love is dangerous. Do not let yourself fall in love with a non-Mormon. Love must be controlled. Do not express love with your bodies.  Love is conditional. If your spouse leave the church he dose not love God and can't love you." The list of expectations goes on and on and it is tragic to watch two people lose love over it.  

Here I flashback to my youth.  Sitting in church staring at poor Sister Anderson.  She is married but her husband has left the church. Teachers in class would use her life as a warning to the dangers of love.  So alone she sits. "How sad", I think "Her husband must be such a bad and lazy person. A fat slovenly man with potato chips strewn a crossed his pot beer belly."  

Ladies and gentleman you must not let the church use love as a weapon.  You must escape the fear surrounding non-mormon love. I know you are scared because dating in the modern world is frighting.  You have been told many lies about sex.  You are afraid, I know, I was too.  You are imagining that potbellied man sitting on your couch eating potato chips and watching porn.  and I will tell you he exists!  but you do not have to date that man.  You are smart enough to see the wolf in sheep's clothing.  Will men use lies to get you to sleep with them.  Well, they will try.  But I will let you in on a little secret. Those same men will be lazy.  If you proceed with caution and only do things when you have established trust in the relationship that porn and potatoes man will get bored. He move on and leave you alone. The man(or woman) who will truly love and care for you will be there.  Even after the 17th make out session.  Will he want to have sex with you.  Yes!  dose that make him bad.  No!   Will he watch porn? Yes!  Will that make him bad?  Not really.  That makes him human. 

In short you must trust your own judgment and move slowly.  Love is out there my friends.  I found it and it's amazing!  Now it's your turn.        

Ordain Woman

What would happen if Woman were given the priesthood? This woman has a pretty good idea. She has figured out 4 simple step to survive Woman in the church work place.  She my be a Mormon but she get it and she has a since of humor.  I got to give her props for this.  Though she is probably brainwashed she has enough of a mind left to recognize how the church leaders are better at controlling people then trusting them to think for themselves.  The church leaders are just stupid old men who wish we all would stop using all this new fangled technology and go back to a simpler time where TV had 3 channels and only a white male property holders could vote.  Ahhhh yes the good old days.

http://www.the-exponent.com/but-what-if-everybody-has-sex/




I'll admit when I hear about all this Ordain Woman nonsense I just think "Ladies LEAVE!  How can you be so close to freedom and yet stop short!  Keep going, freedom is just one ex-communication away!"

I understand how the relief society president with her perfectly modest skirt can fall into the "role of a woman" crap.  But how can there be so many wonderfully beautiful woman who recognize the sexism of the church still attend?  Not only to they recognize it, but they want more. More sexism!  I'm sure if woman got the priesthood the next step would be letting us get our own planet in the after life.  Or maybe the enjoy a monogamous afterlife with our husband.   On rare occasion I attempt to understand the Mormon woman perspective. I'll admit it is a nice community but besides that...

If you have any idea how these half robot woman exist in the the church feel free to enlighten me...Please leave a comment...  Because I'm stumped.

Moving Out

We all know how hard it is to tell your friends and siblings you are letting go of the Iron rod.  You know what they are saying behind your back.  You notice they distance themselves.  I have even heard stories of people being shunned and ostracized. It is a sticky wicket.  But nothing compares to the challenge of telling your parents.  

I spent months hiding from my parents. I was living with Mom and Dads home trying to get my life together.  Being recently dumped, unemployed and on suicide watch I decided not to add heathen to my list of failures.  It was a tough act.  Every Sunday morning I would put on a dress and "drive to church".  Luckily we had a
Singles Ward I could "attend" so my parents never suspected.  I usually stopped at a gas station and changed into my street clothing.  I usually sat in my car and drove around for a while.  Maybe stop in a bar and watch people living normal lives.  Occasionally I would drop in on the Singles Ward.  Like a moth to the flame.  I actually enjoyed seeing all my old friends and getting all that attention. Many of them knew I was questioning.  Having been a staple in the ward they all worried about me. "I'm Just really busy" I would say with a smile.  I usually ended the service hiding in the bathroom fighting tears.

This went on for months.  It was hard enough leaving my friends. The idea of telling my parents was terrifying.    I worried if they knew I would be throw out of the house.  Left to fend for myself.  I figured I would wait until I moved out. But the game of Church Hide and Seek was getting harder and harder to play.  I started dropping hint.  Saying I had doubts.  Asking inappropriate questions to the home teachers. Then my  mother discovered my copy of "No Man Knows My History" (See: http://breakingmormon.blogspot.com/2013/05/mother-may-i-so-mom-i-was-making-out.html  )  She became more and more defensive of the church.  Insisting on nightly prayer and Family Home Evening. It was time for the truth to come out. 

It was a Sunday evening and I was still in my Sunday dress.  My parents started asking me about my job search trying to give me advice.  How could I interview for jobs when I was such an emotional wreck? I had no idea where my life was headed.  I was still silently suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I was not sleeping and felt so alone. 

"Maybe if you just spent more time at church you could clear your head," My Mother said. 

Suddenly I just blurted it out "I'm not going to church!" There was a moment of silence.  I took a deep breath. "Mom, Dad I need to tell you something.  Can we sit down?"

I told them I did not believe Joseph Smith was a prophet and that I would no longer be a Mormon.  It was a short conversation and my parent were relatively understanding. Of course more long winded and frustrating conversation were yet to come but for the time being it was okay.  My parents respond with love and understanding. They still supported me and did not kick me out.  That felt nice. The important part was I held my ground.  I did not allow them the fantastic idea  that I would come back.  

For those of you who have yet to tell your parents I recommend you break it to them over time. Maybe a few weeks.  Maybe a few months. But tell them and when you do do not leave them any room for hope.  In the long run you will just hurt them more.  Live your new life with excitement and pride.  I know you probably feel you are disappointing them.  Well let me ask you this...do you plan on living in your parents basement for the rest of your life?  No. You want to move out and they want you to too.  They would be disappointed if you never moved out and built a life for yourself.   Letting your parents believe you may one day come back to church is like emotionally sleeping on a futon in their basement. Your parents had you so they could watch you grow and become your own person. You may not get the job they think you should have, or date the boys they pick but they can take pride in the fact that they raised someone who could think for themselves. 

If you are struggling with coming out I highly recommend you watch this TED talk.  My sister sent me this link as I was leaving and gave me a lot of courage! 

  http://www.ted.com/talks/ash_beckham_we_re_all_hiding_something_let_s_find_the_courage_to_open_up

An Unexpected Rant

I was recently sent a survey from my old Ward in NYC.  They explained they were going to do a series of lessons on marriage and they wanted to get an idea of the general feeling towards relationship from the NYC Mormons.  

I decided to fill out the survey for mostly for my own masochistic reasons.  Most of the question were typical Mormon stereotypes.  There was a multiple choice question I found indicative of their true purpose in sending out this questionnaire, the question is very telling of the attitude of those in the Mormon faith towards marriage. 

What answer below best reflects your feelings on dating and marriage?

•  I’m ready to be married now, get me out of this dating game now
•  I’ll get around to dating when I have time, but for now I’m chasing my dreams
•  Dating is fun, but the idea of getting married is terrifying
•  I feel like my dating life is in balance with the other aspects in my life

 #1 is a statement I heard countless times while in the church.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the most frequent response from their young, single adult audience.  There is an idea brewed in the minds of the young and sexually frustrated that the moment they say "I do" everything in your relationship is all taken care of, and that you will always be perfectly in love and happy.  

Alex, my Never-Mo boyfriend, and I have been together for almost a year and we are in no rush to seal the deal. This is the first relationship I have been in where time is no issue.  We’re already having sex and we both have independent lives. This is also the first time I have been dating someone where relationship milestones are not reached every week like clockwork. The romantic comedy element adds a lot of excitement to Mormon relationships.  I have noticed that it feels like our relationship is lacking in excitement merely because he is not shouting "Marry me!" But that is simply a reaction to developing a healthy relationship based on common Interests not getting into heaven. By taking our time and removing the threat of unrealistic expectation, we are able to develop a healthy, loving and honest relationship. So when I reached the final question on the survey I could not resist answering honestly.

•  Is there anything you would like the bishop to know?

Here is what I wrote…

"When I was Mormon the pressure to get married was horrible and I was unhappy.  It's not the Bishop’s fault.  The church as a whole has an idea of relationships that is unhealthy.  Getting married is a choice some make. Not getting married is also a choice.  When I was a Mormon the men were all under sexed and over-stressed about the idea of getting married. They had unrealistic and, frankly, childish ideas of relationships.  The relationship was less about love and more about what their wife was going to do for them. Now, as a Non-mormon, I have learned a lot about what makes a healthy relationship.  It’s not about finding the most church going, reverent,  a-sexual person you can find. It is about opening yourself up to loving yourself and owning that.  If you are a Mormon who drinks and does not attend church find someone else who lives life this way.  Don't try and change who you are for the hope that you will get married and have sex.   Be yourself...not what the church tells you to be.  I filled out this survey as if I was still Mormon.  But then I thought it would be better to be honest and tell you the truth.  To show you that love outside religious expectations is real true and awesome love!"

My "Thing"

When I was in college I was very active. I was consistently involved in projects, theatrical plays, movie making, open mics, dating, dancing, exercising, skiing, long boarding, classes and Divine Comedy.  I had so many "Things" going on and I loved it. My activities were a great distraction from the occasional spat with depression, suicidal thoughts, or sexual frustration.  I had a full and mostly happy life.  

Since leaving the church I feel like my "Thing" is Mormonism.  I find it ironic that it took me leaving the church to identify myself by it. My stand-up comedy is all about Mormonism.  This blog...obviously is all about Mormonism. My life story is Mormonism.  Every person I meet wants to know how, why and what Mormonism is. The church’s isolation tactic makes socializing outside the cult very difficult.   

    

My boyfriend Alex is a very talented guitar player. He is in a Van Halen Tribute band. Music is his "Thing." My roommate loves to read and talk about reading. That's her "Thing".  My co-worker is all into yoga and he loves buying stones and mediating with them. It may sound goofy to some but it is his "Thing." 

I used to have so many "Things" but lately I feel I have nothing. 

"Oh Emma, that's not true." I tell myself.  "You love your job! Car sales are really fun and fascinating and perfect for your personality." 

And it's true. I do love my job, but some days my job does not love me back.  My job can’t be my only love in life. Some days at my job people will ask me about my past and Mormonism will come up.  I don't love those days.  

I have spent the last few weeks contemplating this loss of personal development.  I had a bad day at work and the walls of self-loathing started closing in.  I'm ashamed to say I started falling back into my old habits.  Depression, and suicide idealization.   I tried to snap out of it.  I went for a run but as I ran my eyes were scanning the city skyline for tall buildings to jump off of. I began to shut down.  I began to cry in broad daylight, nervously pulling at my hair.  I was having what felt like the beginning of a nervous breakdown.  It was frightening.   I called a few people but no one picked up and when they tried to call me back it was too late.  I had fallen so deep into depression that I hid from everyone.  That night I drank a few beers to try and knock myself out.  At work I was barely present.  My managers noticed I was not my normal happy go lucky self. But I just kept quiet.

When I was Mormon I felt this way often.  I spent many nights in solitude crying and hating myself. I did not want to talk about it but desperately needed to.  After a particularly bad night of negative thinking I decided it was time to talk to someone.  I opened up to one of my managers at work who I trusted would understand.  Talking about my struggle made a big difference and I was able to get back to functioning at work. 

I think the biggest advice I can give at this point is be patients with yourself.  It's not my only "Thing" in my life but it is a big part and that's okay.  I do have other interests and it's important to continue looking for new adventures and hobbies. Yes, leaving Mormonism is hard but look and the progress you have made. There was a time where I thought about killing myself on a daily basis.  Now when I do feel suicidal it’s an abnormal feeling, and one that is easily dismissed. That's called progress my friends and if progress is my "Thing", well...I’ll take it!

MBA or MRS?

Gather ‘round friends and I will tell you a terrible tale. A true ghost story. It all started at the BYU’s Women and MBAs introduction dinner.  The events you are about to read actually happened. MUAHAHAHAHA! 

I was fresh out of an engagement.  An unmarried 26 year old.  The possibility were endless?   Ha! I was sexually frustrated and lacking any real skills to get me a job.  This boy was supposed to take me to the next level.  Married Ward.  I could be married and enter a new phase of life.  That was when I saw the invitation.  

"Welcome ladies,” said a cheerful woman in a business suit, “My name is Bethany and I am here to tell you a little bit about what BYU's MBA program has to offer you.   We are so glad all of you have taken an interest in forwarding your career at this blessed University. So sit back, enjoy your Christmas sparkling grape juice while we tell you why BYU's MBA program is right for you. "   

The dinner started out great. Different professors from the program all stood up and talked about the different classes and tests you would be required to take to apply for the program. at first I felt hope.  Maybe I could take care of myself without a husband?  But something felt off, the room seemed sad. It didn't become apparent just how sad until later in the evening.

  

"Ladies," said Bethany, "We have a special treat for you. Tonight we have with us three women who graduated from BYU’s MBA program. They are going to come up here and tell you a little about themselves and their experience."  

What happened next was the most horrifying display of self-loathing I have ever witnessed. The first woman took the stage. She had long stringy  hair and and was wearing what looked like a funeral dress.

"Hello, my name is Tiffany," She said  "I decided to get my MBA because I realized I was turning 30 and I wasn't married. I never planned on having to make a living for myself but I figured if I had to work, I should further my education."  I almost did a spit take as the other zombie women were all shaking their heads in agreement. Tiffany continued to tell of her menial job and how she hoped it would someday help her find a husband. She also commented that God may not have wanted her to get married and she will have to except that. What a rousing way to conclude your motivational MBA speech.

The next woman took the podium. She was very smiley and very pregnant. 

“Hello everyone, I’m Melony.  I was so excited when BYU asked me to speak today.  I had great success getting my MBA.  Much like Tiffany I was a little worried about my future because I wasn't married yet.  So I decided to get my MBA, and it’s actually where I met my husband.” Melony then proceeded to tell us all about how she met her husband and just how wonderful he was and how wonderful being married was. She concluded with, “Well…as you can see, I’m not actually using my MBA but my husband has a great job.  We just bought a house!”    

Melony Waddled off the stage. Finally the most terrifying speaker was announced.  The woman sitting next to me was called to the stage. She was absolutely beautiful and seemed very collected.  But her tale was the most tragic…

“Hi my name is Suzanna.  After I got my MBA I was offered a job at Google.” Wow! I was impressed! “…but I turned it down because my boyfriend at the time said he wanted us to get married and I would have to choose between him and Google.  After we broke up I spent two years working for a company in Africa. I spent some time in DC where I…” and here she listed quite a few accomplishments.  Though I was impressed, I could not quite get past her irrational turning down GOOGLE for a boy who clearly was not that into her. She now works for a company in DC but confusingly she lives in Salt Lake City. “I do spread sheets for a company all the way out in DC. I can work from home in my PJ’s.” she said with a laugh. 

"Hmmm like a hobo" I thought. Things got more awkward when she returned to the table.

 “Good job.”  I said, “That’s really impressive that you lived in Africa.” 

“Ha yeah!” She said bitterly, “It was great but you do feel the pressure.  I mean I’m 35 now and I just got dumped again.  I could have been dating for those two years you know…” 

“Um yeah I guess”, I said.

“I mean I just don’t get what I’m doing wrong.  Dave and I have been together for 6 months.  And about a month ago we were in the temple and he said he was praying for a sign…you know, like, if I was the one…and I guess right when he prayed is when I got done in the bathroom. So I came out and he saw me.  He told me it was a sign we should get married!  But then last week he said he felt the spirit tell him maybe not…but I’m like, what about the sign at the temple bathroom, you know?”  

Suzanne spent the rest of the night analyzing every man she had ever dated. All the other young woman at the table chimed in with similar concerns.  All of them were single too.  All of these woman were recently dumped...all of these woman sounded like...

 I then had a hair raising sensation. As if I was being watched by someone who knew my fate....  IT WAS ME!  Everything she was saying and had said sounded like my life.  I was sitting next to my Ghost of Christmas Future. Some pathetic girl, unsatisfied with all the good she had done because she was still single. Including, but not limited to, giving up her dream for a man.  The reason I was at this dinner is I had been dumped after moving from NYC to Utah for a man.   If I continued down this path I would become Suzanne.  My tombstone would read 

Here lies a chick who 

has seen the world but 

she never got married.  

What a shame.   

I felt sick for days after that dinner and I wish I could say it was the food.  I decided against the BYU MBA program.  I figured there are many better ways to deal with being single. 

Fairy Tale Ending

"Okay," I said, sitting in the hallway.  Then I began putting my boots on.  I wasn't going to cry and this was not going to be one of those 5 hour break-ups. He wasn't worth it.  When he dropped me off at my apartment I told him to wait, I ran into my apartment and grabbed our book.  It was our fairy tale. The book he had driven 10 hours to deliver to me.  It held the story of our relationship spelled out in hand-drawn pictures and inside jokes. I had continued the story with pictures of of my own and together we built our enchanted romance. It was the cutest thing anyone had ever done for me. I had felt like a princess and he had been my prince charming.

"Take this.  I don't want it." I said, throwing it at him. He protested but I gave him no choice.

As I turned to leave, a thought struck me, "You know what Aaron?  I'm so glad that this is done because I don't have to pretend anymore.  I'm so tired of always acting. So tired of hiding"  

I don't think I even knew what I was saying on that very late October night.  Only months later did I realize how dedicated I had been to the role of Molly Mormon. So much of me was an act to impress these priesthood holders. That was the last time I saw Aaron and I have not missed him once.  

Now here we are, about 70 blog posts later, and I'm living in a different world. A newly minted Ex-mormon!  I have a steady job and a stable self-reliant life.  My life is my own.  I'm not the slave wife to my “prince.” But I have played the part of a Mormon princess for so long it is hard for me step off my pedestal. As I mentioned my previous Mormon love stories were whirlwind romance.  When you have post Mormon romantic epiphanies they hit hard and fast.  

Alex and I have been dating for a while….and guess what? We just keep dating.  How can we still be dating you ask? It's been 6 months, you say?  By Mormon logic we should either be broken up or engaged…right?  Strangely enough, I don’t want either. This concept of dating someone longer than 6 months was in conflict with everything I've ever experienced.  I still can’t quite comprehend it. It is kind of like trying to understand how the universe is infinite and it is also expanding. 

Eventually my uncomfortableness of our situation started to show, and my inexperience in non-mormon dating started to bubble to the surface.  I started thinking irrationally, trying to find problems in our relationship and exploding them in my mind.  One night, Alex sent me a smilie face emoticon :) instead of a winky smilie face ;) I used this textual symbol as fuel to exacerbate our clearly failed relationship. Unfortunately Alex is way to cool, collected and sweet to let me imagine problems. We talk and I soon realized I was just freaked out. Scared that i was prolonging something only to watch it burn in a year or three years. How can anyone take such a big gamble on love. 

Love isn't a fairy tale anymore. Now I realize that you can't just marry someone and be done. Even after you get married you have to still work at it. What "it" is I’m not entirely sure. I'm frustrated and disappointed. I don't want dating to be a slow and carefully thought out process. I want it to be fast and exciting…What happened to my whirlwind romance where you meet and you just know?  I have been dating Alex for over 6 months and I feel like there is so much I don't know about him.  When I look at him I don't just see a perfect man with no flaws.  Where is my prince charming? Where are those rose-colored glasses the church gave me?  My fairy tale life is ending.  I've lost the ability to mindlessly go through a romance with only the end goal in sight.

OR… Maybe I’m coming to the harsh reality that love is a journey not a fairy tale. :(