Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

 “I’m a real Girl!”

 When I’m in a public place I feel like I’m looking at the Grand Canyon.  I can’t help but stare at all the human people.  They are so real. I never thought non-Mormons could lead happy normal lives. I was always told they were really miserable.  I find them so fascinating.  I feel like a spy. I can talk to anyone I want now.  I can make friends! It’s a terrifying exhilaration. 

I have lost about 5 LBS in the last three weeks. Coincidentally around the time I left the Mormon Church.  I’m so happy that I have on many occasion been caught dancing at the YMCA. I mean literally dancing on the treadmills. I’m dancing all the time. Shaking my bootie, Bobbing my head, and lip singing the words.  Even music sound sweeter.  I’m not a child anymore.  I’m 26 and I’m an adult now.  I’m a part of a beautiful world full of wonderful people. I can date whoever I want, drink whatever I feel, and work whenever I need.  I can wear clothing I like and someday maybe even enjoy the nether of a Man.  Would you believe me if I told you two months ago I was in a mental hospital?

The doctors had no idea what to do with me. I was in the hospital for severe depression.  They couldn’t figure out what kind of depression I had.  It was odd.  Every morning in group therapy people would share their tragic life stories.  I would start talking and the conversation always went back to the Mormon Church.  I told my therapist once how I bought a dress but it did not have a sleeve on one shoulder…

“I mean it’s for salsa dancing. It’s not slutty or anything.  It’s red.  It goes down to my knee actually.  I just love it! I look so good.  It’s a little tight but don’t worry no cleavage. I mean it’s not super revealing or anything. It is missing a sleeve on one side but I don’t feel super bad about that because it is a sport. Dancing is a sport.   I have had a few nightmares about it. It only has a sleeve on one side.  I swear it is not a slutty dress.”

 Here I am in a room full of seriously tragic souls and I’m freaking out about a dress missing one sleeve.  Even the therapist was I little taken back.

“Honey, You don’t need to justify anything. We won’t judge you for buying any dress.” Said my therapist

I was so shocked.  It never occurred to me that people might not judge me for wearing a dress without a sleeve.  It took me a few weeks but eventually I did ware that dress. It was liberating.

 I have been a recovering Mormon for three weeks now.  Last night I tried something very scary.  I found a website that advertised meeting new people.  They were all meeting at a bar with alcohol in it.  I cannot hold my liquor so I order a coke and tried very hard not to mention I was a Mormon.

“A Coke?,” said a clueless man, “What are ya a Mormon?”

Gosh Damn it! I just pretend I didn’t hear him. I was going to fit in tonight.  I had never been at a social event with so many people who were not Mormon.  I almost left after I got some rather unwanted attention from a Ex-Wife murder/drug dealer. I was going to call it quits went I noticed a group of seemingly normal people.  “Okay, I thought. Just go!”

They were all terribly nice. Of course I couldn’t hide the Mormon thing but I could tell they would not judge me.  In fact they were very interested in my journey. They all seemed to relate. I guess it is a common story.  Becoming who you are and not what is expected of you.  

Joseph Smith Jr.

The text message read “This is Joseph Smith Jr.”

How did he know?!  Is he talking to me from the afterlife? My heart started pounding.  Maybe it is true and this is Gods warning! AHH! After an insane moment I remember that last night I was looking through my magic mirror(internet) and a man on a dating site recognized I was from Mormon land. I let out a sigh of relief as I realized I was not being visited by Joe Smith Jr.   As I mentioned from my last post I really have a hard time going on dates because all I want to talk about the church. Luckily, all this man wanted to do was talk about the church!  He was an intellectual.  I grab my keys and ran to meet him for dinner.  Ah yes the perfect date.  Where I just sit and talk about Mormonism.  And did I talk.  You cannot even scratch the surface of Mormonism in two hours but I gave it my best shot.  

“So no one knows your leaving?  Your family?” He said

“Nope!” I said with pride

He looked down at his plate and shuffled rice, “You must feel so alone.”

I was not expecting that.  It took me a second to register what he had said.  I could tell from the way he spoke my story was affecting him.  I’m a strong woman.  I have literally fought for my life.  I was uncomfortable with where this conversation was going.

 “Let me ask you something. Do you know you are beautiful?”

“Yes. I have been told all my life I am beautiful.” I said chipperly

He looked Up. “No. I did not ask if people have told you. I asked if you knew.”

“Well. Yeah, I mean I think I am beautiful,” still fighting to maintain my composer

“But you don’t know,” he said. “You know nothing about Men.  You say you don’t understand these guys you have been seeing.  I will tell you this.  Every man you meet wants to sleep with you because you are gorgeous. You do not need to put up with Shit.  This guy that bootie sexted you, or the guy who was hitting on your waitress. You know ‘Good’ is ‘Greats’ ach enemy. Don’t settle for someone who doesn't want to know you. Wait here!” He jumped from his seat and ran to his car. In a moment he returned with a book.  Inside was a note for me. “When I talked to you on the phone I knew you needed this.”

The book is called The Icarus Deception and the note read

                                                                                               

      

 “let me give you some advice. You are entering a very exciting time.  This will be the year of firsts for you. You need to get some people in your corner before you start. The world out there is-“

“I know” I said, “It’s a horrible awful place.”

“No.” he said, “It’s wonderful.  You will see. It is incredible!   People are amazing and are more understanding than you think. You only get one life but if you do it right you really only need one.”

The Last Unicorn

As I have mentioned before on-line dating is my only window to the outside world.  I make a bet with myself on every date.  How long can I go without mentioning that I was raised Mormon?  My record right now is seven minutes.   One night I sat down to dinner with Mr. Talldarkanhandsome.   In my head I’m thinking “don’t mention the church. Don’t mention the church....” Conversation is going well. Although I was constantly stepping over landmines.

“can I get you a drink?” Says  Mr. Talldarkanhandsome

“Water,” I say instinctively.

“oh?…okay…So tell me something about yourself?” He says

Mind draws a blank.  Don’t mention Church. “I like theater,” I spit out

“Oh yeah my buddy and his wife went down to see that Book of Mormon Musical. You seen it?”

“Nope.” I say.  Must change subject.  “So what do you like to do for fun?”

“Well my buddies and I like to play poker every Sunday night.  Maybe one of these nights you should play a hand?” He says

Wrong way! “I never played.” I say

“What! Really?  Oh I bet you have a good poker face?”

“oh. ha ha ha…” Awkward Silence…  Don’t mention the church.

“You said your little sister is getting married.  That nice. How old is she?”

“20. 20 years old.” I say coldly. Don’t mention Temple

“Wow that is young!  Your parents okay with that?” He says.  I just take a drink. “I saw you have a Utah area Code?” He says

“Yup.” More Silence

“Cool. Did you go to school out there?”

“Yes.  Where did you go to school?” I say deflecting back.

“Well I grew up going to catholic school.  I tell you what.  If you want to turn a kid off religion just make him go to church 3 times a week. Ha ha”

Damn! I was doing so well.   Slamming my hand on the table “oh yeah! Try 6 days!  Every Morning I had to wake up at 5 am.  I drove my ass down to church so I could get in to Brigham Young University.  I mean the education is good but you have to take all these religion classes.”  The flood gates are open now, “If I didn’t get into BYU, I mean, Game Over!  Can you imagine trying to be a Mormon at any other school.  And you get graded on how much you believe there is a magical man in the sky.  I mean, I don’t know if there is a God but if there is I doubt he has a secret handshake to get you into heaven!” 

  There is a tiny pause as I catch my breath.  Mr. Talldarkanhandsome blinks

“So...  Do you like sports?”

You know how dating on-line has a reputation for Crazyies.  Well I am starting to realize I am one of those Crazyies. People never really understand why leaving the church is such a big deal.  They do like to ask questions.  One is absolutely unavoidable.

“Hold on. Hold on.  Have you ever had sex?”

Their jaws drop to the floor and the questions never end. “You have never even taken off your shirt?  Have you ever seen a naked man?  You don’t know how to masturbate?” At this point they are usually sitting back in their seat, huge eyes just frozen to your face.  They are looking at a unicorn.  A 26 year old virgin mythical creature.  “Wait wait…have you ever even had an orgasm? ”

 For some reason these men are very egger to help you with your orgasm dilemma.

“I can teach you.  I mean, if you want we could…you know… ,“they say.

 I like to toy with them, “Oh gosh. I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

“No really! It is not a problem!”

“Are you sure….well…No that’s just weird.”

“It’s not weird!   I do it all the time. Well not all the time… I mean, can I get you another drink?”

I never realized how easily never-mormon men are aroused.  One time I said something to a guy about how I straddled a motorcycle and he practically passed out.  Mormon men seemed asexual.  They hide their Lobito’s under a confused suffocating blanket. I guess they are afraid of being seen as a pervert.  Honestly, I like feeling that men are attracted to me sexually.   I only understand Sex it in theory.   But I’m Glad I don’t have to lose my virginity all in one night.  I can ease into it. ;) 

To the Vatican

Paris France! About a month before my life changed forever I was on a trip to Europe.  My friend Anna and I went to visit Roberta in Paris. I did not keep my doubts about the church a secret.

Sacre Coeur is a beautiful cathedral on a hill.  The center is reserved for prayer.  I entered the prayer section hoping to receive any guidance I could. The second my butt hit the bench a thought screamed out of my head “DON’T LEAVE THE CHURCH!”  I hadn’t even had a chance to start praying. This voice I heard in my head was harsh and angry. “Do Not Leave.  Bad things will happen.” I was choking inside. I could almost feel a physical pain shoot up my spine.  I got up from my seat confused. What was that? I told my friend Anna.

“Well, don’t ignore the promptings from the spirit.” Said Anna

 “Yes,” I said, “But I thought God worked with love.  I was told satin works in fear and anger. I only felt fear. Cold unloving Fear.”

My comment fell on deaf ears.  I remember thinking “Was that really God? It sounded a lot more like me panicked and frightened.  How do I know that was not the reaction of 26 yrs of conditioning?

A week later I was in Rome. The Catholic Church is a mystery to me. It was Magical.  I entered this big open space filled with pillars.  I saw this big church.  There was what looked like turn styles to get in, but there was no one in line.  I figured I would poke my head in.  When I walked in a saw something.

“Wow! That is a really nice replica of the Michelangelo pieta” I thought, “Hold on…that is the pieta!”, I was in the Vatican! My heart swelled.  I had walked into the most famous church in the world without even knowing it.  I spent hours soaking it in.  It was like a dream.  I decided to give prayer another shot. If there is a God the Vatican has to one of his favorite stomping grounds. I sat in one of the prayer sections and poured my heart out.  I told him I loved him. I asked for guidance. I was broken, humbled, and lost. I heard a voice again.

“Just stop. Stop worrying about what people will think of you if you leave.  I know you will find your way.  Do what you know in your heart is right.  Do not do things to spite the church, but don’t let it control you the way it has. Just follow kindness and love. Be a light in world by being your best self.”

I wrote this down and will never forget it.  I felt love and peace.  Was Joseph Smith a prophet? Well…he is if his teachings are uplifting you.  But if not, don’t be afraid you are not alone.

The next day I met a beautiful Roman Man.  After some convincing I agreed to let him buy me gelato. He told me he was a tour guide and offered me a free tour on his Vespa scooter. "YES PLEASE!" I was living the Lizzy Maguire Dream!  He showed me all of Rome. Secret places no one knows about.  Later he made it clear that there were some things of mine he would love to explore.  I thought about it. It would be nice to explore those places but I remembered the words I heard in the Vatican. “Do what you know in your heart is right.  Don’t do things to spite the church.” I knew that for me Sex with a man I just met was not something I wanted. We held hands and kissed all in good fun.  I didn’t let it go any further.  Not for the churches sake but for mine. 

Life or Death

I’m Brave you know.  I know what people will say when I leave.  The crap that they say about everyone who leaves.  “Oh she just didn’t try to understand,” or  “Someone offended her”  Or my personal favorite “she thinks she is smarter than God.”  Maybe they think I just really want to have sex.  FINE! Go ahead and tell yourself whatever you need to be happy where you are.  Here is the truth.  I apologize this post is going to get rather raw.

“Excuse me,” said a voice

   

I did not want to talk to anyone.  I felt him following me.  I ran out the BYU library doors, but he caught up.  

“oh hello.” I said with a big plastic smile pretending I had not tried to outrun him. I saw instantly in his face he knew.  It must have taken courage for this nerdy looking boy to approach me.  But I suppose it was a matter of Life or Death.

“Um…I heard you…in the study room. The walls are quite thin,” He said

My face dropped. I had checked all the rooms. I thought I was alone, “oh.” I said “what did you-“

“You can’t do that!  You are so pretty. Why would you want to…to..”

We stared at each other.  There really is no way to explain why you need a suicide Tape.  I guess you could say, “because I would rather be dead than standing here talking to you!”

The conversation was somewhat brief. I would not give him my name and I told him I would run if he tried to stop me.  This poor kid. Caught up in something so vile.  I basically told him life is hard but I would get help.  I told him I needed the tape just in case.   I was so far gone at this point.  Why? I was very popular on campus.  I had just written a brilliant comedy show and directed it.  I had everything. However, I never felt like I connected with people.  I could not be myself.  What was worse I could only be loved by pretending to be someone I was not.

Later that week I got in my car and drove.  I knew what I needed. A garden hose should do it.  I figured this would be the easiest.  Pills might not work. You wake up in a hospital bed.  Nothing cutting. Gross!  No I will just slink away in my car. God the idea of it was like a cool glass of water when your mouth turned dry.  I craved death.  I found a hose.  I picked it up.  I started to unravel it and then I thought of my dear little sister. My eyes yellowed, My lips gray.  She would never be able to drive this car again. How would she buy groceries.  My thoughts spiraled.  I couldn’t stop them. I threw the hose and jumped in the car. I forced myself to drive though the hose chased me for at least a mile. Do not look back.  This never happened.  

I escaped death that night but it hunted me.  Every Sunday when I had to hear testimony after testimony.  Every time I was seen as strange.  Everytime I was overlooked by men for the Shorter, Skinnier, Submissive, “Spiritual” Girl.  I was loud and outspoken.  I was goofy and would point out Bull S#!t.  And though I was always welcomed at church I never felt accepted. 

I tried to forget that night, but I kept that tape for years…Just in case

Magic Carpet Ride

It was St. Patrick’s Day!  Whaooo! I was heading out like any 26 year old woman, for a wild night of…Catch Phrase.  Yes you herd me.  I live in the beer drinking capital of the USA and I was going to spend St. Patrick’s Day in the basement of an LDS church.  But I had a secret plan.  At this point I was still very Mormon.  I had not done my homework yet.  I was so tired of hanging out with the same people who I really felt no connection too.  I saw online that there was a karaoke bar downtown so I got dressed up and after the 8^th round of physiatrist(a mormon must game)  I excused myself and headed for the bar. 

I was going to do it! I was going to make friends! Friends with people who I have things in common with.  Maybe we would talk about travel, politics, theater, art, Heck I would even talk about sports teams.  I reached downtown. I could not find the bar.  There were other bars so I parked my car.  I could see from where I sat people coming and going. Every bar was packed.  Everyone was laughing and smiling. I saw a group of girls standing outside a Comedy Club. They were together talking a mile a minute and giggling.  One girl dropped her…something and darted into the street to get it. They all mocked her as she ran in front of a car forcing the car to a stop. Some men poked their heads out to say hi and drove off.  At this moment the glass on my windshield felt 12 inches thick.  I wanted so badly to be those girls. I wanted to feel free to mingle and flirt with exciting different people.  I wanted to go to the comedy club but instead I put my key in the ignition and drove home.

Three weeks later I was driving again to downtown. This time it was for a date! A hot one! Online dating has been my only means of meeting people. This was my third date with a non-member. As I pulled into the restaurant parking lot I felt like I had been there before. Dinner was great. He had gotten us tickets to a show and we were late so we had to run. We got there barely in time and took our seat. The show was so funny and he was so excited.  We were walking out of the theater when Deja-vu stuck. I was standing at the very place where I saw those girls three weeks earlier. Warmth bubbled up from inside me.  Maybe I don’t have a bunch of girlfriends but this smoldering bearded fellow would do.  My date reached for my hand and offered to give me a tour of the area.  I felt like I was in Disneyland. I was doing it! I just wanted to be a part of their world and for the first time it felt possible.  

Poop Mosters

I was a Hell raiser and the class clown at church growing up.  I had opinions. I remember when I turned 12 going to my first young woman’s activities.  The activity was making a list of all the quality’s you wanted in your future husband.  Remember the part where I said I WAS 12!  So all the girls around me were writing things like, served a mission, temple worthy, hold the priesthood. I was stumped.  Absolutely mind blow.  My list had one thing. That he loves me and I love him.  The young woman’s leader keep pressuring me to write other stuff but I couldn't. I was not going to lie. Those other things didn't matter to me.  Eventually I slipped out to spy on the boys who were learning how to change a tire. 

It got worse as I got older.  I remember coming in late to a mutual activity where the “activity” was getting lectured about marriage. I made sure to ware my authentic Cub Scout Shirt I got at Good Will. It had merit badges and everything.  Ha Ha Ha. That always pisst off my Bishop.  I loudly took a seat in the back and tried to find a way to not pay attention. Then I heard something I couldn't ignore.

“Young ladies you all should want to have children.  It should be your main purpose in life to have kids”

My hand shot up like a rocket.

“Yes sister,” said Brother Old-man

“Yeah, what if we don’t want to have kids? I personally want to have a career,” I said.

“Well sister let me tell you a story. My son was dating a young lady and they were thinking about getting married. But he discovered that she didn't want to have kids so he broke it off with her-“

“GOOOOD!” I interrupted.  “They shouldn’t be together. That would be a teeeerrible match!”, Old man was stunned.  He really didn't know how to reply. So I continued, “I mean why should a woman give up her dreams to clean up after some Poop Monster?  And why can’t the husband stay at home? Am I right ladies?”  Everyone is just staring now. Just staring. My biggest fan Military Bishop piped in.

“It is our job to multiply and replenish the earth. Genesis 1:28.”

Well that shut me up. I learned you can’t win against someone who quotes scriptures unless you can quote back. But I sat back in my chair beaming.  I knew I had spoken truth.