He Is Calling

*Buzzz*Buzzz *Buzzz

I was paralyzed.  Total Shock.  My phone was ringing and it was a… guy

As you may have noticed from my Post about the ACIDENTAL bra incident I’m not smooth with guys.  The first time a guy told me he loved me I hid behind his couch for an hour.  Well I moved between the couch and table because he kept trying to talk to me about it.  I’ve been dumped by most of my boyfriend. Usually for being too loud, having too much energy, being a feminist, or not having enough of a testimony of Joseph Smith.(or maybe it’s the hiding under the table thing)  I decided to make the switch from Peter Priesthoods to Worldly Waldo.  I joined a few dating sites.  To my surprise many guys were contacting me.  Attractive guys.  See I’m a forward woman…Well at least I was for BYU standards.   I would give guys my number all the time at BYU.  They usually didn’t even ask.  They never actually called.  Or if they did it was to invite me to their mission farewell.  So when I started doing online dating sites I gave my number out to a lot of guys.  Attractive guy…funny thing…they all called me.

It’s really great I’m getting to know so many new people.  One guy has really caught my attention. I invited him into my rather messy apartment. (Smooth) Which I should note is also my parent’s basement(double Smooth)  He is attractive, and fun, and smart, and, he seemed to care a lot about me.  But of course I’m not used to being hunted.  I could see him plotting.   I was a mouse being circled by a hawk…a really sexy hawk.  He would try to kiss me but every time he pulled me in I pulled away.  What was wrong with me?  I really wanted to make out with him!  Oh well. If he never calls me again he must be gay right?

One guy I made the mistake of ordering me wine.  I drank two sips and my head got cloudy. He kept trying to ask me questions and I just said “yes” because it was easier then listening to him talk.  I will say this that guy must have been funny because I was laughing so much Jake my Bartendapist wouldn't let me drive home. 

Another guy I went out with seemed rather nice too.  He is strong and did I mention attractive.(hint: they are all ATTRACTIVE)  last night we had a great time.  Dinner and a show, salsa dancing.  I was flirting with him a lot.  Giving him kissy faces.  When he was giving me a piggy back ride out of the club he just straight up asked me what I was doing tomorrow?

I got freaked out because Salsa dancing guy sent me a text saying he thought I was sexy.  I think he is sexy too but I would never say that to him.  When my phone went off and I saw it was him I froze. I worried if I moved the phone would somehow answer itself.  Once the phone stopped ring I could breathe again.  Why are these men calling me?  Don’t they know I’m a crazy cat lady in the making?  I even told one guy that on the phone.  He just laughed like it was a joke!

Most woman would be thrilled to have attractive men want to meet her.  But I go all Laura Croft on them.  I’m not sure what it is that throw me into a panic.  Maybe it has something to do being a feminist in a slightly sexist religion my whole life? Is it my fear of penises? (I didn’t even know how to spell it. Had to use google) Is it my desire for independence?  Or is it most likely my fear of getting hurt. 

A Room of Mormons Go Silent

How do you make a room of 15 single Mormons go absolutely silent?  

Accidently blurt out,  “Oh that’s because I don’t believe the church is true anymore.” During General Conference.

I’ve been told many times I’m missing a “V Chip.”  If I think something I just say it.  I was sitting on the floor at my YSA GC party. I’m still in the Ex-Mormon closet.  These people have known me my entire life as a good old Mormon girl...I'm 26.  The topic of the Facebook Group came up.

   

“I tried to send you a message but you are not on the YSA Facebook page.” Said one sister

“Yeah what’s up with that?”Added a brother

Before I even remembered where I was I blurted out, “oh that’s because I don’t believe the church is true anymore.” Everyone’s faces went blank.  Dead stairs and open jaws. What the hell ME! That was not even the reason I didn't join.  I had been meaning to join.  I’m still planning on add the group.   Everyone was looking at me.  I had to think fast.  I took a cue from Fonzie. With a pair of thumbs up I just said, “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey”

A few people still looked puzzled and then they all started laughing.  “Oh crazy you! You are so strange. HA HA HA!”

“In jest, There is truth.”- Willham Shakespear. 

Jake my Bartenapist

Friday night and I was alone but in the spirit of changing my life for the better I grabbed my guitar and headed to an Open mic night.  When I got there the crowed was a healthy mix of 40 something’s and swamp people.  I quickly got a “Text” and ran!   Down the street was the bar where I lost my GINity(get it;)  I sat down alone trying not to feel out of place.  Sexy Jake was working. He was the one who fix me my first drink.  He got me a glass of white wine.  I just sat there at the bar alone lapping up the drink slowly; thinking about how much life sucks right now.  Jake my bartender/therapist or bartenapist noticed my obvious forlorn demeanor.  As he was cleaning glasses and taking orders he yelled to me, “How’s the church thing was going?”

“Terrible,” I yelled “I don’t fit in your world!  I don’t get it.”  Then I told him about a guy I kind of liked.  A really cool guy.  I wanted to date but thing were moving faster than I was used too.  “It was only the third date and I just couldn’t make out with him that fast.  Pulse I don’t know where it would take us or what it means.  Now he barley text me at all.  I don’t get it Jake. I don’t know if I can make the transition out.” 

Jake served the last shot to what looked like a 21 year olds birthday party and then leaned over the counter,  “You got to stop thinking you are so different from everyone else.  You are not! Yes, your experience growing up was different”

“Yeah different as in I know nothing. ” I said

“Different but that is who you are.  He knows your situation and if he can’t handle it..meh. You can only be you.” He said

“But it’s hard.  Maybe I should just go back to being a Mormon.” I said

“Look! you will be miserable if you go back, you will be miserable leaving.  But you have to do what is right for you.  You can’t just drown yourself in despair.  You’re a big girl so take care of yourself. Oh, go easy on the wine tiger”

He was absolutely right.  If anyone thinks I’m leaving the church because I WANT to live in the worldly world, they are WRONG.  I’m afraid of these people! But I have to leave.  I know in my heart that I don’t believe the teachings of Joseph Smith.    I can’t raise my daughters in a church where marriage is her ultimate goal.  I can’t raise my sons in a church that will expect him to spend two years on a mission. I can’t go back to church and pretended. It would do no good.  Looks like I better learn how to swim. 

Dating with a capital D

When I first realized Mormonism was no longer a part of my future the first thing that came to mind was Dating with a capital D.  How on earth would I make it in the real dating world?  I can’t relate?  It is just not possible.  Mormon Dating and Real World dating are so different aren’t they?  I guess I have never tried it before.  I had in my head this idea that men outside the church are sex crazed, unfeeling, snot wielding, non-committal two bit looser who NEVER even served a mission! However, I knew I did not want to marry a Mormon and so the only guys left were(dun! Dun! DUN!) Non-Mormons.

As I contemplated this idea, I remember the saying, “The common denominator in all you bad relationships is you.”  I've had bad luck dating… Mormon guys.  I've always been loving, supporting, honest, sensitive, and the best partner I could be.   I lacked the Testimony.  I believed with a lower case b.  I didn't pretend I knew anything about the church.  I never had that warm fuzzy feeling. I talked the talk but I couldn’t walk the walk.  My older sister, who later left the church, often told me I had to just pretend I had a testimony to get a husband.  That was what she did.  She went to all the meetings, and played nice with the institute teacher, and lugged her quad everywhere.   I may be an actress but I can’t do that.  Acting is about being genuine and yourself.  So no parading around my Young Womans Medallion for me.  

As for sex well....Yes. I have made the decisions to have sex before I get married.  I will tell you why my friends.  When I was briefly in Utah being dumped for not having a strong enough testimony I made an online dating account.  I noticed many of the men were divorced after about 5 years of marriage.  When I moved to where I am now I notice, at least online, most men were just single. They had two or three year’s relationships behind them.  Now I’m no expert but it seems to me that we are all just trying to find love.  Some people nail love down a lot faster than others but in the end if it is real it will stay.  Why should I let my sex drive pick my companion for me?    Why not live and let live…pick my partners carefully.  Get all the evidence before.  I need to be careful. I won’t sleep with anyone until I know I’m ready.  Maybe I won’t at all.  I can’t imagine letting a guy see me…naked. … gross! Anyways I will keep you posted. 

Oh SNAP!

I came home and saw a letter addressed to my little sweet sister who I love so much.  She is 20 and is getting married in the temple.  I think she is too young but I did my sisterly duty of being the overbearing fear monger.  I do believe her and her fiancé will make it.  I know a little bit about the temple marriage ceremony and even tho I think it is weird...I am happy for my sister.  The letter was addressed from The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  A logo that used to bring me comfort now only brought me anger and resentment.  Many thing contributed to me leaving the biggest reason was I felt lied too.  So I snatched it and opened it.  I was going to find the clue.  Another reason to fuel my anger. I never would have expected what happened next. 

The letter was about her getting her endowments out.  They congratulated her.  Told her how wonderful this day would be.  Telling her the time, and date, and what to wear. It was written with love.  They called the temple The House of The Lord.  I had forgotten how much the temple means to Mormons. It is a special place.  Then I really lost it.  On the next page was a map to the temple and there was a road that was highlighted. It was highlighted by hand.  I instantly thought of the sweet old lady who was highlighting all the maps by hand because she loves the temple so much. I could see her pail face and the slight hunch she had developed highlighting map after map after map. 

That slightly crooked yellow line was the end of the line for me.  I had not cried until now. In my room silently sobbing so my parents wouldn't hear.  “I will never be married in the temple.” I thought.  The only one in my family not to kneel at the alter and look at those eternal mirrors. 

Mormonism was something that set my family apart.  We were not better we were different. There is good in the community of the church.  I am so close to my family and even tho my extended family thinks we are all nuts(parents converted) Mormonism had brought us together. No, I don't agree with the teaching. Sure it isolates me from the world, but I love my family more than the world. How can I leave all this behind?  

A Peek Out the Mormon Closet

“Well what about the whole Sex thing?”

 This was it.  The question I dreaded.  It was unavoidable.  I was going on dates with a non-member.  Roberta (Nope, not even trying to hide it’s a fake name) had been my best friend for years.  I don’t have any childhood friends, but I grew up with Roberta. She was my supporter.  I had told her everything until now. 

 I met Roberta at Brigham Young University.  She was an art student and I had the very scandalous job as a model! That right, people would draw me, and my perfect body in… a bikini.  Meeeeow!   One of the art students asked me to tell them my most embarrassing moment.  I had a reputation for being one of the more entertain models as I really would reveal all.  I decided to tell them the story where I Accidently absent mildly wore my bra over my shirt and then promptly went to visit the Boy I had a huge crush on.  I Honest to God Had  NO IDEA MY BRA WAS ON THE OUTSIDE OF MY SHIRT. I went to his apartment and took off my coat having no clue I was exposing myself to a bunch of Mormon boys.  They gave me some soup and we talked about life and school.  I’m fairly sure at least two of them had never seen a Bra before. Finally after ten minutes of awkward conversation the boy who secretly made me blush raised his hand… “yes?” I asked him,

"Can I ask you a personal question?", Hottie said

"Yes Oprah?" I said

“Whats with the swimming suite top?”, Asked the love of my life.

“Well she said she was at the hot tub right?”, a nerd piped in.

“I don’t understand?  Whats the question?” I said confused,

“Look down!” said the only man in the room who knew what a Bra was.

“OH SHNOT!” I yelpt, Grabing my jacket and jumping over the table.  Spilling my soup on the nerd. “sorry" I yelled, "I’ll clean it later.”  And that was how I met my future never-boyfriend.

From that moment on Roberta and I were Best Friends Forever….well at least that’s what I hoped.  I had not told anyone at this point...

“I don’t know how you can date a Non-member." Roberta said,  "And atheist at that!  Did you tell him you won’t have sex until you are married?”

“Robo, I’m not going to wait till marriage.”  there was a pause. I filled the silence with a very well thought out ramble as I tried to find a reasonable excuse for still being Mormon but not fallowing the key commandment.  When I started in on the slimily of my life to the TV show Fraggle Rock I stopped… I had to come clean.  “Robo, I don’t  Believe Joseph Smith is a Prophet.”  The words felt like coffee from my mouth. Stale and unrepentantly Black.(note I have only had coffee once)  

There was a pause again.  I was waiting for it.  Would she yell at me for throwing my life away? Would she try shamelessly to change my mind?  Or would she do what I feared most…Hang up.  I didn’t want my last look at her to be through the picselated  screen on Skype but what could I do?  And then it happened.

“oh…well…that makes me sad.  It’s okay” She said

“really?” I said

“yeah, I have had friends leave before” she said. 

I knew she had had friends leave before.  The other times had not been so pretty.  We talked openly for a while about how I came to the belief and about her beliefs.  I told her I was happy.  Truly unabatedly happy.  And the most beautiful thing was she was happy for me.   

 "I still love you", she said

"I love you too" I said

Dinner With the Missionaries

I just wanted to know the truth.  I wanted to know what they had taught the missionary’s in the MTC.  Surely they can explain the Book of Abraham controversy   and Josephs wives, Blood sacrifice, Hilcamora, the Hat with the stone,  The Burning of the Nauvoo Expositor, The three men Joseph shot at Carthage and why there is no evidence today of anything that happened in the book of Mormon.  Just some of the facts of  Mormonism I missed.  Most likely I was flirting with some cute RM.   The church had to have explained this in the Missionary Training Center.  

“I just have a few really simple questions. I’m sure you get them all the time.  What is the churches stance on the whole Book of Abraham thing.” Two big beautiful eyes stared back at me. They had no idea what I was talking about.  I even tried to explain it to them to jog there memories."You Know the scroll that Joseph bought and translated into the Book of Abraham. It was later reviled not to be accurate at all."   Nothing.  "here! this is a picture of what he said and then what historians found it to be... nevermind, we will skip that one." They smiled

“Okay you know how Brigham young had the whole ‘blood sacrifice thing, you know where he said it was better to kill someone who sinned then let them keep sinning”, Blank stares “okay skip that one.  Polygamy!  How come the church never talks about all of Joseph Smiths 33 wives?”

“33 wives...I’ve never heard that. Are you sure? There are a lot of crazy things on the interweb.”, Said the Sister Missionary

 “ Yes.” I said stunned, “33 and ten were married and one was only…”  I couldn't finish.  These poor beautiful woman who loved the church so much that they gave up over a year of their life for it.  I could not take that away from them.  They had no freaking Idea!  The church had, I guess forgotten to teach about that.  I stopped asking them about the history of the church.  

That is the problem isn't it. Even after you leave you still want to protect the church.  I started trying to give them answers to these questions. “Oh well I think that, you know, it makes sense that the Book of Mormon was not actually translated from plates but from a hat with a rock in it.  He was inspired I’m sure.  The church just,  you know, doesn't share it because it’s so,  you know, hard to understand.”  If there were ever a Garden of Eden on earth today it is the Mormon Church and the Missionary Training Center was the mud that made Adam.